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blondiechika05 · Jul 2, 2007, 03:35 PM

I had a "thing" with this guy about 3 years ago, it only lasted a couple of months and then he "broke it off" with me by getting into a relationship with another girl. I currently have a boyfriend that I've been with for almost a year and I love him, but I can't seem to get this other guy out of my head. This other guy hurt me several times and it took my current boyfriend to put me back together. I absolutely can't stand the other guy and haven't really spoken to him in some time. How do I get this guy out of my head so I can get some semblance of sanity back and so I don't feel like I'm betraying my boyfriend?

I actually have talked to my boyfriend about this, though I didn't mention the name, though he knows the guy (it's not a friend of his), and my boyfriend just tells me to get over it and not to worry about it because he knows I won't cheat on him. This isn't about cheating, this is about just getting this guy out of my head.

Marzapan741 · Jul 2, 2007, 03:41 PM

You need to move on. If you are in love with him, no other guy should matter. I only think its on your mind because you wonder what could have happened if you lasted. If you can't stand him then just move on! Don't think about him, erase him out of your cell phone, email contacts, myspace, whatever it is, and live in the future. Dwelling in the past can sometimes hurt more and we shouldn't do that. Everything happens for a reason. :)
Hope I helped. I'm new to this.

blondiechika05 · Jul 2, 2007, 04:02 PM

The funny thing is, this guy DOESN'T matter to me, I don't want anything to do with him. That's why it's so weird that his name just keeps popping up. I just did take him off my buddy list. I've been trying to move on, but for some reason it hasn't worked.

Marzapan741 · Jul 2, 2007, 04:07 PM

That's odd.. you say you guys ended three years ago?
Did something happen that was left unfinished?

Pook_Myster · Jul 2, 2007, 04:21 PM

Every relationship has a lesson for us to learn... perhaps you need to have a think about this old relationship and understand what it is that you were meant to take from it? When you identify that, I am sure you will comfortably move on and your current relationship will proabably find a higher level of comfort and happiness!

blondiechika05 · Jul 2, 2007, 04:24 PM

Well, here's the problem. As I mentioned before, he "broke it off" with me by dating another girl. This guy and I were never actually together, I won't go into why we couldn't be, but everything was fine for about the first month and went downhill after that. Honestly, if it had lasted any longer than it had, I probably would have ended it myself anyway.

The other issue is, he had this tendency to shut me out whenever he was with someone. He started dating someone a few months after we met and we pretty much didn't talk again until that relationship ended. At that point, we were helping each other through issues we were both having, that was when we "happened," then he randomly started dating the new girl and shut me out again.

I just wish he knew how much he hurt me, I'm thinking maybe it's just the residual pain that won't go away.

Pook_Myster · Jul 2, 2007, 05:40 PM

Ok, so it doesn't sound like it was actually a 'relationship' in the sense that you were committed to each other physically, but you had a mental and emotional attachment more like a friendship?

When someone supports you emotionally through some form of turmoil in your life, you form an opinion of them based on trust, admiration, respect - because you are thankful to them for being there for you... Possibly what has happened is he has shattered that illusion or image that you held in regard to him being this wonderful person, and you have felt down on yourself for falling for him, or believing him to be something / someone that he wasn't? It is that you feel foolish - does it make you cringe to think about now?

Maybe you need to forgive yourself, and that is what makes your mind wander back to the relationship?

blondiechika05 · Jul 3, 2007, 04:44 PM

Well, I would say it was more than a friendship, but less than an actual relationship. I would also say he definitely shattered that trust. I was always there for him when he needed a friend and approached him when I thought something was wrong, but he never did the same for me. I think what I really want is for him to understand how much he hurt me. I do cringe to think about him because it doesn't make sense for me to be doing so.

Pook_Myster · Jul 3, 2007, 05:14 PM

My suggestion - write a letter - it's purpose is to say everything that you want to say to him, explain to him everything that he did to hurt you and let out all your anger on the paper.

When you have finished the letter, either put it away in a box and don't pull it out until you are feeling better about the whole situation, or burn it in a symobolic display of 'Letting Go'.

It is not worth having a discussion with him, and in the end, I'm not sure that he would care, certainly not to the same extent that you obviously do, so you may come out of the discussion even more hurt than when you went in. So with the letter, you get to say everything that you want to say, he isn't granted the satisfaction of a reply, and hopefully once it is written, you will decide to burn it and let the universe absorb it all so that you no longer feel it's necessary to hold on to anymore...

I hope that doesn't sound too crazy... I've done it before and if you really pay it the attention it requires it really works. I haven't looked back that's for sure... and as I mentioned earlier, it can improve your current relationship too because all of a sudden the energy that you were giving this guy with your mind can now be directed to those who really deserve it.

notcoolenough · Jul 3, 2007, 05:28 PM

I just want to say that I am in a very similar situation. After I broke up with my one love, I met this girl I will call 'A1'. She was great at that point in my life because I now had a best friend and it was a time in my life where I was in a lot of pain after breaking up with my girlfriend. 'A1' and I became very very close and we also had a sexual relationship. All of a sudden, after about a year of knowing her, she did a 360. She became this person I just didn't like and the person that all her past friends and bfs saw that they warned me about.

I shut her out of my life once before she managed to get me to give her another chance and she just blew it again. Getting her out of my mind is so hard because she is such a horrible person, but we were so close. I don't know if this helped. I just wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through.

I think you need to take the suggestion of deleting him from your phone , etc. Burn anything that reminds you of him. You current boyfriend seems very understanding and you may want to try role playing... if he is willing to pretend to be the bastard that you can't get out of your head, then you can write a letter to him or talk to him... but not really have to deal with the actual person... just your understandind boyfriend.

Pook_Myster · Jul 3, 2007, 06:35 PM

I wouldn't recommend getting your current boyfriend to role play the 'bastard' and write the letter to him - he has nothing to do with the situation and you are only going to cause him hurt & confusion as to why it is necessary for him to be trodden on for you to feel better about this past relationship. Write the letter for your own benefits and under no circumstances role play with your boyfriend - it will achieve nothing - that is a ridiculous suggestion in my opinion - always think about the role in reverse - would you want to role play the person that hurt him bad enough for him to now need to role play with you? This isn't his issue or lesson to deal with, it is yours and I strongly feel that you need to deal with it your own way... involving your boyfriend to that extent is not healthy for your relationship - and it's the point of this exercise to let go of past baggage in order to improve your life and current relationship?

I;m not suggesting that you keep this from your partner - by all means tell him what you are doing, but don't involve him in depths that are not really fair to him.

justinl1234 · Jul 3, 2007, 08:35 PM

The best way to solve a problem with another person is by confronting him. If you can't find the courage to do this, I suggest you have a talk with a psychiatrist. After all, they are professionals in these 'human mind' things.

Pook_Myster · Jul 3, 2007, 08:39 PM

Not always true justinl1234... there are no hard and fast rules on these types of things. Psychologist maybe... but probably not required in this instance - it's not a big deal, blondichicka just has to find a way to let go... it could be by talking, or writing or some other form - but it doesn't necessarily have to be a trained pro - and certainly not as drastic as a psychiatrist - at most a psychologist... there is a big difference there =)

blondiechika05 · Jul 4, 2007, 08:36 AM

Well I deleted him out of EVERYTHING, AIM, phone, MySpace, Facebook, email. I tried writing a letter (that I think I actually planned to give him) but never finished it because I just didn't want to think about it (that was before my boyfriend though, I think). To notcoolenough, thanks, I think I needed to know that someone else is going through this. However, I wouldn't role play with my boyfriend like that. Not only do I not think he would do it, that would just be way too weird. Besides, he knows pretty much the whole story anyway.

nata76 · Feb 15, 2010, 03:43 PM

Thank you Pook_Myster I'm in a very similar situation and it's been a year I've deleted that person from everywhere, but my head... so I think I'll try the letter and use methods from the movie "The Secret"... I hope universe will help me...

happygirlX10x · Aug 23, 2011, 05:03 PM

Your in love with I'm I am having the same problem I have this one person in my head tat won't go away I'm nt with them but they are stuck in my head and I know I like them but I cnt say and they like me but its my friends brother what do I do