You kind of beat yourself up for all that you've done but I think you missed the bigger picture. You learned from it. Maybe not the easy way, certainly not the way you would have liked but you did learn from it. Now next time you'll have some idea what your doing and not make the same mistakes. I spent years making the same mistakes over and over. You won't do that, and yes it came at a cost of deep pain, but most real life lessons do. I think you've gained far more than you lost and in the future I think you'll see that.