Today was mothers day. I got my mom a very nice card and my sister and I bought her a barbecue, she said thank you to my sister but not me. Then my mom bought all the mothers a card and present... except me. She even gave my sister one, who isn't even a mother, in the card she talked about how my sister has basically raised my son. SHE DID NOT. I just don't undertstand it. She is so mean to me all the time, telling me to lose wieght, be nicer to bay, etc. She puts my sister up on a pedistal, and puts me in the ground. She never tells me she is proud of me for everything I am doing, and I thought this mothers day she would. My brother who is a drug attict is moving up here and she is bending over backwards for him, but I ask her to watch my son and she acts like I am asking for the world. I am just never going to be accepted by her and it hurts so much. She has said in the past that her favortie children are jenny and Chuckie. What mother does that? I have never felt adeguate and now it is bringing down myself esteem. My husband wants to do something about how she treats me... should I let him? I have tried talking to her about it she tells me that I am overexateraing. I am sick of being last all the time. The only time she wants me around is when I have Bay, otherwise she acts like I am a burden. She hates my husband, who has been nothing but supportive and loving. I am just so confused. What would you guys do in this situation?

I am trying to walk in your shoes. Don't know anything about your past with your mother over many years. Maybe there was something that you did a long time ago for which your mother has never forgiven you? Please forgive me for saying that. But, your situation does make me wonder. Some parents have great difficulty in forgiving their children, especially if they have been perfectionists in the way that they raised them.

So many times with family, we end up playing the same old tapes in our heads, especially if there have been some serious issues and hurts. I grew up in a nearly totally dysfunctional family. Tried many times with another sibling to try to make things right and to get along. Finally, just had to admit that I had done all that I could and just move on with my life. "Senders okay. Receiver needs some work." You may just need a fresh look at an old problem armed with some new strategies and ideas.

In yet another attempt to speak with your mother, I would suggest trying the following.

Tell her how you feel without putting any blame on her. I know that sounds really tough. But, it can be done.

I would say to her, that you have a problem and would she help you to solve it? When you state it as being your problem without blaming her in the question, then that will put her defenses down and she will be more likely to help. It puts the "ball in her court." And, makes her feel important because she will think that she is valuable and in charge because she is helping you to solve your problem. This is called winning without intimidation. It is taught in an excellent book that I recommend for anyone to read. Winning Without Intimidation The fact that you have stated that she says that you are overexagerating, makes me think that you might have come on to her by blaming her.

Tell her, "I love you, mom!" I once knew a secretary at a school who, even though she did love her mom, her mom died suddenly, and the secretary deeply regretted the fact that she had never told her mom that she had loved her. I never told my dad that I loved him until the last year of his life when I knew that he was dying of cancer.

Tell her how proud you are to have her for a mother and why. Your presence, thoughts and words mean much more that any "thing" that you can give to a person, if the only way that you are showing you care is by giving someone a thing. Tell her that you would like to be closer to her as a daughter and that you haven't felt close to her in a long time. Tell her that you feel that you need a healing between the two of you. Ask her what you could do to solve the problem? Ask her if the two of you could work on ways of making the two of you closer? Tell her about the things that you do enjoy about her. Her caring about your brother could be one of them. "I really appreciate the fact that you are working so hard to help Chuckie. How could I help with that?"

Avoid the "yea, buts" in the dialogue. Those types of statements are defenses that lead to further potential conflict/arguments..

If an in-person meeting with your mother does not work because she keeps playing the old tapes of her usual responses, then I would try and put something in writing to your mother about what you read above. Also, I would do it in handwriting and not typing.

Nothing brilliant here. Just some fresh thoughts and ideas. I don't know all about your situation. But, I do know about conflict in a family and how to try and make peace within them so that all work together as a family.

By the way, I really enjoy reading your responses to the posts in this forum! :)

And if all that fails be prepared to distance yourself. No matter what you have done, you do not deserve to live with that kind of treatment for the rest of your life.

Try talking to her but if she doesn't want to know then be prepared to move on with your life.

My past with her was I was a great daughter. I didn't do anything majorly wrong in my chidhood or teens. I listned to her. I graduated and went to college. The only two things I did that hurt her was marrying my husband, and telling on my brother for abusing me sexually. She hates me for that.

Then she is very misguided and you are better off without her.

Try talking to her or ask her if something is wrong if that doesn't help give her space and act loly and if there is no one to love you and do it in frot of her so shell see your lonely

The only thing you can do is accept that she is never going to react in the way that you want her to.

There isn't anything your husband can do about the situation. You mother doesn't think there is a problem... therefore, in her mind, there is nothing to be fixed.

You also have to realize that your mother's opinion and feelings are just that... they aren't your reality.

I agree that your mother will NEVER react/act in a way that will not be painful to you. Don't accept her feelings, opinions as reality. She is part of the dysfunction of your brother abusing you. Keep only the amount of contact with your mother that will not be hurtful to you. As a mother, you now have to keep yourself healthy in order to provide a stable environment for your son. Don't allow your mom to instill the same sense of needing approval in your son. Just because your mother (not that she was mother of the year while you grew up) cannot recognize you as a good mom doesn't make it so... Get the support you need from the people in your life who are "healthy" such as your husband, friends, his side of the family, coworkers, church... people who KNOW you as a mom. Not people who judge you based on their failures (to protect). Not trying to be harsh on your mom but I would hate to see your son grow up with the same complex of needing grandma's approval. Remember, motherhood is fairly thankless until much later in life, if at all. And the one person you should really want approval from as a mother is your son's father... your husband. Cathy

Honestly, Like I said in all the other posts. It is time for you to make a stand for yourself. Letting your husband do it will only cause more problems and more turmoil. How do I know. I stood up for my wife with her mother. Lets just say it was not the best thing but finally she stood up to her mother but now there is no relationship there, which I personally feel is the best for her, our son and me.

I understand you feel hurt. Stop being a victim and do something about it. Stand up to your mother. Tell her how you feel. Then if need be stop contacting her. If you need to, your better off without that kind of emotional abuse and I do not know how many times I have to say this to you, but I guess strong medicine is hard to swallow.

First step - stand up to your mother and tell her how you feel.

Second step - if continued emotional abuse. End all contact.
Do not get your husband involved or if you do. Do it together as a couple and show a strong front as a family unit.

Third - stop putting yourself through this and end all contact again.

Fourth - What have I said in each of your posts about your family especially your mother. Let it go, let her go.

Fifth - this is the most important and actually should be first step but I would say you should be reminded of this every step of the way. FOCUS ON YOUR HUSBAND, FOCUS ON YOUR CHILD. YOUR FAMILY, MEANING YOUR HUSBAND AND YOUR SON SHOULD BE YOUR ONLY CONCERN.

Joe

I really hope you have received a lot of support and understand your mother has the problem, not you. Continue to enjoy your husband and son- AND Let him stand up for you- he's your husband; your protector- someone has to step in and stop the madness. She does this abuse cause no one will stop her- she thinks. Sh etrying to punish you for something that I'm sure is unjustified and not your responsibility. You would never treat your child like this- she has issues. I do believe God puts people in our lives to love and protect us especially when our family fails. Where's your Dad? She sounds jealous of your life- a life she probably wishes she could have had.

Be careful, I went all out trying to get my Mom's approval and try to understand her great love for other sibingls above me... years... I've been through tuff times, never asked her for help, took care of my Dad and helped her when he had cancer, did everything I could to be there, send her money through years... could go on and on, I'll cut this short. The last slap in the face she did in her Will, her last rejection, and saying my brother was the best thing that ever happened to her, and I should be nice to him, he gets it all... fine give it all to him, did she really need to add he was the best and above me. Anyone looking could clearly see he was not, and it was not her possessions, it was her love and approval I sought, and till the end it will never be... just another painful jab and rejection,, Thanks Mom

Original post 2 years old, last post a year old, please do not post on very old threads