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    aloneinMD's Avatar
    aloneinMD Posts: 6, Reputation: 4
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    #1

    Apr 14, 2007, 02:31 PM
    Mother told me she never wants to see me again
    I am a 29 year old happily married women with an 18 month old son. My whole life I bumped heads with my mother. She has said things and done things that are unforgivable. Her and my father divorced when I was only 2 years old, she then married my stepfather and they had a son together. I have a better stepfather then most, however it was obvious who was the biological child in the home. Throughout school I got good grades, played sports, worked and stayed out of trouble. My brother on the other hand stuggled in school, very unsocial, and got his girlfriend pregnant at the age of 17. He only made it through one semester at college, I received an associates degree. It seemed as though my parents always have done for him and not for me. One example is when I turned 16 and got a car I was told I had to take out my own car insurance. It was very difficult for me to maintain good grades, play sports and work to pay for my car insurance which was out the roof. My brother on the other hand was allowed to be on their insurance, even with all the speeding tickets he has. My brother is now 23 years old and he lives in one of the homes my mother owns. All he pays is the taxes on the home. He does not buy her anything for mothers day, for her birthday... he does not help out around her house... he does nothing for her. She on the other hand watches his son... daily. He works 9-5, however my nephew is always with my parents, he even sleeps at my parents, because my brother doesn't take care of him. My mom buys everything my nephew needs... EVERYTHING.

    Now I have a child, a boy, and I chose to move away from my family. I live about 7 hours from home. Whenever we go home to visit my nephew is there. When my mom and dad come here to visit, they bring my nephew. My parents get NO time with my son alone. When I come home to visit they will not watch my son, whom is a very good child, because they tell me they can not handle both children. They see my son 4 times a year... wouldn't you think they would want to bond with him?

    Last week we went home for Easter. My nephew was very mean to my son and whenever I tried to correct him my mother would have a fit. Sorry but I do not think a 18 month old child needs to be slammed on the floor lby a 5 year old like he is in a WWF wrestling ring. Tentions were high between my husband and my mom and me... it did not end well. The final straw was when my nephew punched my husband in the face and my mother said nothing to him. Not sorry or you should not hit adults... nothing. Her and I got into an argument and she told me to pack up my stuff and never come back. That she wanted nothing to do with my little family. She could throw me and my son aside just like that. All for a 5 year old hitting a 31 year old man in the face. There is obviously more to the story, which would all shock you. While I was leaving she is telling my 5 yr old nephew that we hate him and that we think he is a brat and to say goodbye to his cousin because he would never be seeing him again. My mom is on zoloft and has been told she should up her meds. It has been 5 days and no word from her. Honestly I hope she does not call me ever again if that is how she is going to be with me and my child. I just need some support here... I had to vent to someone other then my friends... because they are all happy I am done with her because they have seen first hand the aweful things she says and does.
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #2

    Apr 14, 2007, 02:47 PM
    As hard as this is, I would say to cut your losses with your Mom and keep your focus and your life with your husband and son. That is where your energies should be - concentrating on what you have with them and making a real life - one that your son will flourish and feel nurtured in. You know what you had growing up, so you know what you do not want for you, or your husband, and certainly not your son, to experience.

    Sometimes we have to close doors, even on family. You say your Mother is on Zoloft but still that is no excuse for her behavior and seriously, you do not owe her one single thing. You can love her but you sure as heck can stay away from her and protect you and your family. You can pray that there comes the day when she comes to a reality of the way she has treated you. You just have to let go and let God do the rest. Be the best Mom and wife you can be and enjoy your family. Your Mom has burned the bridge it sounds like. Not much more you can do about that.

    Wishing you all the best in your life. There are better times ahead for you.
    louie1's Avatar
    louie1 Posts: 183, Reputation: 49
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    #3

    Apr 14, 2007, 02:50 PM
    What do they say " you cannot choose your family"

    I am one of 5 my elder brother and I were bought up very strict by my mother and stepfather however "his" children were bought up the opposite " discipline and spanking were outruled"

    Now who do you think achieved? My older brother and I are both hard workers and have nice homes that we own and our children are well mannered and do not go without , on the other hand the younger two at 30ish I hasten to add are still waiting for mum & dad to do everything for them.
    They do not "work" a full time job and they do not take "100%" responsibility for their children.
    They do not own their own homes and indeed have never paid 100% for their own cars.

    Please note I choose not to even mention the middle one that is another story altogether.

    I too chose to move away and it is so much easier. I do have a good relationship with my mother though but that has primarily occurred since her spilt with my step father who always had a knife to put in the middle.

    My advice to you is to lean on your friends to help you through this and when things have calmed maybe write mum a letter getting all your feelings down on paper should help.

    My family have always quoted that whatever happens to me I get through it and bounce back 10 times stronger because of that they do not worry or indeed offer help.Reality is it makes you feel like you face the world on your own and everyone else gets the assistance.

    Maybe that is how mum see's you ?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #4

    Apr 14, 2007, 03:42 PM
    When I go home ( about twice a year) I never stay at my mothers home, I stay with another relation or stay in a motel. We go in for about two hours before a meal, and leave shortly after, we can control tempers for aobut 2 hours. During that time I temper what I say but not stop saying things that have to be said, I figure if they want to worry about what I say, it can be their problem.
    vlee's Avatar
    vlee Posts: 454, Reputation: 109
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    #5

    Apr 14, 2007, 03:54 PM
    If she isn't disciplining the kid she is raising, I wouldn't want to visit period. Nothing is more irritating than watching children rule a house. Doesn't sound like she is very interested in you or your son. I think you'd be better off without the hassle and headaches. Take your family and leave her behind. Get closer to your husband's side of the family if that is possible. If your mom threw you out of her home, I surely wouldn't call to work things out. I'm sure someone will say working it out is the right thing to do, but sometimes it has to be up to the other person to make the first step. My mom and I went through a period of 4 months without one word to each other when I was younger. (I was in college, she threw me out.) We speak now, and get along OK, but she still gets on my nerves and I have to make sure I limit the amount of time I spend with her. I say for now, do nothing. Take a breather and relax. What will be will be.
    lacuran8626's Avatar
    lacuran8626 Posts: 270, Reputation: 57
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    #6

    Apr 14, 2007, 04:15 PM
    She has taken the role of being a parent to your nephew and apparently has a different manner of raising boys. She's probably of the "boys will be boys" mindset with both your brother and his son. I'd not see her more than necessary, never leave your child with her, and give up on her not having your nephew there. The one on one time you want her to have to bond with your child isn't as great as the image that you have in mind.

    In a way all the things she didn't do for you paid off beautifully - you are independent and have a successful family life, which your brother does not. He is the one who was cheated by not being permitted to grow up. Be thankful for that, and know your Mom just doesn't get it, likely never will and do for your family as you see fit.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #7

    Apr 14, 2007, 04:45 PM
    Believe me when I say that I know exactly how you feel and quite honestly nothing you can say to me personally or publicly on this board will shock me. My wife and I needed to cut ties with some family members and it is the best thing my wife did. I also was part of it but it was needed to be done. Does not mean there will never be reconcilations but it is better, less stress and it was not good for our little family to always be under guilt and stress from other family members that just want to cause trouble and want to be in control of everything and is very evil in nature.

    I want to say to you that it is good that you came here to vent. It is an excellent place to vent plus your able to get an outside opinion or even know that your not alone in your situation.

    I agree, never ever contact her again. It is up to her to be the person to contact you. She is your mother, but if she wants to always treat you and your family like that. You, Your Husband and Child is better off without them.

    In my personal situation. Many people think that it is not fair that our new baby is not going to be close to the grandmother or even know the grandmother but with my experience and especially my wife's experience we want to have happiness and the only way to have that is without the contact. I also believe that how can our son miss out on somebody that they do not know anything about anyway.

    Happiness and sticking up for you little family is the most important thing to do. I am happy that you stood up to them and it is better then letting it continue because it would hurt your husband greatly if you did not stand up to her for your son, and for him.

    I know, because my wife (not at the time) did not stand up for me and let the verbal hatred go on. It felt awful but eventually she learnt how to stand up for herself and others.

    Now your in a better situation. Please do not expect a phone call or even wait for a phone call. It is better that you have no contact at all because all it will do is cause more turmoil.

    Another thing I would mention. You and your brother were treated completely different but in a way your parents did you a favour by treating you the way you did. Honestly you should be thankful. Thankful that they let you struggle, thankful that they let you take care of things on your own. Look at where your at and your brothers at. It is all in how you look at things. I see your feeling bad and feeling anger towards your parents for the way they raised you but I honestly think you should be grateful. Do you know what I mean. It may be hard but you're a very strong person with a beautiful family and a good head on your shoulders and that is because of the way they treated you. Now look at your poor brother. That should tell you something.

    There is always a bright side to all the turmoil or rough times.

    Best wishes to you and your beautiful little family.

    Joe
    aloneinMD's Avatar
    aloneinMD Posts: 6, Reputation: 4
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    #8

    Apr 14, 2007, 07:22 PM
    Thank you so much for this support. I never thought I would hear so many people agree with me. I felt like I was evil for what has happen. I do love her, but loving her is just too difficult, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately I do not think she will ever contact me, because she always has to be right and will never do something to hurt her pride. Thanks again to all of you! It is much appreciated!

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