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    SadWife's Avatar
    SadWife Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 2, 2007, 01:36 PM
    My husband has a baby by another woman
    Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me further than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this... :confused: :mad: :(
    paradoxlie's Avatar
    paradoxlie Posts: 33, Reputation: 6
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    #2

    Apr 2, 2007, 02:14 PM
    I am sorry but your options are very small. You can try to go to marriage counseling and try to work on rebuilding the trust and deal with the fact that your husband is going to be tied with this woman for a very long time. Or you can get out of this marriage. Frankly, if it were me, I would end it. You should relioze thatcheating is lying, and the odds are thathe will do it again, and again, thinking that he won't make the same mistake twice.
    Also, I believe your husband has not come clean about many details. Such as the one night stand and because he does not want to talk about things and basically told you to deal with it. That to me is not a sign of a person whom wants to make things work. This to me sounds like a person whom wants the best of both worlds. So, without the trust, you have no relationship.
    I am so sorry this happened to you but after reading your post a few times and thinking about it, I cannot shake this feeling your husband has not been 100% honest with you about this and the events that have lead up to this. I understand how you feel and sympathise. But the hard fact is that he is the father of that baby and the child deserves to have a father in its life - in every way possible. I can understand how hard that is for you to accept and if you decided it is too hard and that you have to leave him I doubt anyone would really blame you.

    However, if you really decide to remain with him... and I really can't see how... I wonder how much you have/can really forgive your husband to move on in this marriage in a healthy way. It's understandable that it is very difficult to think of him with this child, as he/she was conceived out of betrayal to you, and having him/her in your husband's life is like a constant reminder that he was unfaithful. But the child is here now, needing two parents, so it's a choice that you have to make for yourself... can you honestly be with your husband, trust him, respect him, and respect and love yourself, as well as support, embrace and love his child-- all things that you will need to do in order for this to be a healthy and functioning marriage? Good Luck, Stay in Touch. -Malcolm- paypal address [email protected]http://thumb5.webshots.net/t/61/161/...6ugdEKy_th.jpg
    SadWife's Avatar
    SadWife Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Apr 3, 2007, 01:08 PM
    Thanks for that. Although I know this is a bad situation to stay in, why do I naturally feel like I am the one that is the failure? BTW, today I found out that he has been telling people (other women, in addition to the one who had his baby recently) this "Yeah, I kinda got back with my x, but we are kinda doing our own thing....so we'll see how it goes...you know me, free spirited and all!!!"

    That is news to me being as though to me he says he is nothing but committed to me etc. I moved back to this state to for us to make it work as he pleaded with me to do. So I didn't know we were just "kinda together , but kinda doing our own thing" I think it is time to cut him loose. I can't continue to allow myself to be hurt like this. He obviously is true about what he claims he wants. Oh well... There goes my faith in the marriage system of today's society. People just don't have respect for this kind of commitment anymore. That is a shame because it can be wonderful if you have someone who respects and values you the way a husband should.
    Zeus2007's Avatar
    Zeus2007 Posts: 36, Reputation: 5
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    #4

    Apr 3, 2007, 10:59 PM
    Did you say you had kids, if not get out. Once a cheater always a cheat. Plus he will now have two women for awhile and you're crazy if you don't believe that.. Lots of fights in the future, would love to be your neighbor.
    MaxyWelsh's Avatar
    MaxyWelsh Posts: 18, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Apr 4, 2007, 01:00 AM
    I believe you deserve better than him. It sounds like you have made a decision to leave. I think this is best. Go and find yourself someone who wants to build a future with YOU.
    vlee's Avatar
    vlee Posts: 454, Reputation: 109
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    #6

    Apr 4, 2007, 07:10 AM
    I think it is very brave and admirable of you to attempt to work this out, but I don't believe it can be done without the aid of counseling. I have a hard time believing you will ever trust him completely if the two of you don't find the root of his infidelity and fix the problem together. I am not sure I would be able to get beyond the anger long enough to even think of trying to work it out, so I commend you for wanting to save your marriage.
    sazon's Avatar
    sazon Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Apr 9, 2007, 08:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by SadWife
    Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me futher than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this.... :confused: :mad: :(
    I am I the same situation and also decided to try to work it out. Yes I feel stupid, crazy and all that but I love him and I know he loves me... we have been married for 19 years and this the first time we have had to deal with anything like this and I hope the last, yes, I know one a cheater...

    In my caseit is not proven that he is the father but there is a good chance he is. I am stuck between turning our backs on this child and doing what most would say is the right thing, until they are faced with it... they made the mistake I did not why should I have to deal with anything!! Wrong or right that is the question... I am hurt confused and in love
    SadWife's Avatar
    SadWife Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Apr 9, 2007, 10:23 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by sazon
    I am i the same situation and also decided to try to work it out. Yes I feel stupid, crazy and all that but I love him and I know he loves me..... we have been married for 19 years and this the first time we have had to deal with anything like this and i hope the last, yes, i know one a cheater......

    In my caseit is not proven that he is the father but there is a good chance he is. I am stuck between turning our backs on this child and doing what most would say is the right thing, until they are faced with it....they made the mistake i did not why should i have to deal with anything!!!!!!! wrong or right that is the question....i am hurt confused and in love

    OMG! Finally someone who knows what I am going through. To many people, it is easy. "Just leave em!" But when you know that the situation was a huge mistake, granted people do stupid things (ie. No matter what age they are or how long they have been married) People do stupid things... I love him so much, yet I too am so devastated by this. Especially since we may not have our own because of my health issues. I really want to be with him, yet my heart dies everyday in this reality. Some days we are great then others I am an emotional mess and crying... It is tough but I didn't want to just give up! If it fails, at least I will know I am doing my best to be understanding and make it work. But I do know it takes two and I can't make it work by myself... He too will have to keep my feelings about this in mind and make the necessary udjustments and set boundaries etc. It is a very tough thing for any spouse to deal with but if we accept the cheating spouse back be are in a way saying we WILL deal with things even though we don't want to. But yes it is there responsibility to safeguard the marriage and always put the wife's feeling first. They agreed to stay with you so they are agreeing to deal with your emotional rollercaoster too. They need to understand that! :(
    tyragland's Avatar
    tyragland Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Apr 16, 2007, 11:40 PM
    I am sorry, I do not mean to be negative or to make you insecure. But if he cheated with her before I believe that the feelings will only intensify if he goes to see her without you. Do not let that happen! You are a part of it now. When you chose to continue to be with him you should have given him some altimatives, (which you probably have). You are worth it! It takes a strong woman to be able to be with a man who has not only cheated, but made another baby out of it. Oh God, let me tell you my story, no I was not cheated on and no I was not married but it definitely feels like it. My boyfriend ( who is my husband now) decide to act strange a few months after our first child was born. We broke up, and got back together like a lot of couples do. We got back together and were getting off to a new start. We were only broke up for a month. February 2002 is when it happened, my son was only 4 months old. He had a 3 year old daughter at that time with someone else. I was already in a very immatue relationship with him and could not stand the embarrassment of having a baby and not being married. So of course to make a long story short when we broke up he went straight back and slept with her and guess what, she became pregnant! She was unsure if the baby was his, so he had to go through a very long drawn out blood test which I was praying to God for the baby to not be his. It was his! I decided I could not be in this relationship with seeking GOD, so I began going to a local church and guess what. I looked up and she also was there. She began going to the same church that I felt I was lead to go to, JUST to get over the pain. I dealt with it for a while and put on fake smiles and told her I was so happy to see her there and eventually she got married and went to another church. Well in the meantime I believe her husband CHEATED on her so they were separated for a while, and she began to come back to our church. I always felt that she was doing this to get back at me because we got together so quick the first time they broke up. I always kept my composure, I never treated her unkind. In facted we began to have a better relationship, although deep down in my heart I have been hurting from this and it just never seems to go away. It was almost 5 years ago. We have since moved out of state and I do feel a whole lot better. But the point that I would like to make is that it does take time. Please do not let your husband visit that child without you, you were there first and you will always be, if you can endure it! Look at me, it was 5 years ago and I am still hurting but I can take it! When she very first came to him to tell him that she was pregnant I was furious. I can not explain the anger and pain that I felt. It was something that I had never felt before and I will never go through it again, and my husband knows that. This may seem a bit crazy or strange to someone who hasn't gone through this before or someone who just has no confidence. But the trust had been broken, we were broken up, he did not lie about it but I felt like he did not love me. How could he go and sleep with someone else that he once loved so soon after we had broken up. It was like he swept us under the rug and then wanted to come back clean it all up after living in and making a mess. I wanted to leave him, I almost did. If had no children with him, I would not be with him this day. But I could not picture sending my child at the time(which is now 3 children) to him and her. I knew that was what she wanted. She had so much animosity towards me and she had no guilt. She felt as if that was just what she needed to get even. She even named the child's middle named JUSTICE. I felt like I was in a real life fatal attraction! I hope I have helped you some, it feels good sometimes to know that you are not the only one going through certain issues. I had to take this child home from church with me sometimes. Every time I hear his name I feel pain and he has done nothing. I have never treated him unkind, but I will certainly admit that I do not like to see him. I think I could have gotten over the whole situatio sooner if his mother would have chosen another church!
    You may email me back @ [email protected]
    It is good to have someone to vent to.
    chocolatedelite's Avatar
    chocolatedelite Posts: 8, Reputation: 3
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    #10

    Oct 17, 2007, 12:52 PM
    I know this was some time ago... but you see I'm in almost an EXACT situation, I found out about it in April 2007.. The baby is due next month... I KNOW truly how you feel and what you're going through... I've managed to work things out but there are still times when I wonder if I'm EVER going to be able to move on... This "woman" wanted this child and she is happy with her "baby" however I'm in a place SHE can never begin to imagine... Yes he is responsible but WHEN ARE WE AS WOMEN going to say ENOUGH... You're married MOVE ON...

    Anyhow, hopefully if you still check this web page you can tell me how are things going.. Has the baby been born? Has your husband been to see the baby? How are things between you and he?
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #11

    Oct 18, 2007, 11:52 AM
    Ladies (as there are two of you in the same quandary)

    The child of the affair should not be punished because of the idiots that created her or him. The infant to be, is the only innocent here, please take notice of that.

    This child needs interaction with Mommy and Daddy, there is nothing either of you can do about this fact.

    However, if your husband is going to step up to his responsibilities, then the only thing you can do is insist that any meeting where both parents are present should be supervised by you.

    The previous posters are correct, if you decide to stay with the turkey you must accept going into this new relationship is fraught with dangers.

    Remember these clowns chose to break their vows that they made to each of you. If I ever did that I'm sure I would earn a fast path to my own autopsy. If you can, I also suggest that you tell dummy that he has broken your trust in him. Ask him how he plans to repair that trust bond. If he can't tell you that, beat feet, before it gets worse for you.
    chocolatedelite's Avatar
    chocolatedelite Posts: 8, Reputation: 3
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    #12

    Oct 18, 2007, 02:04 PM
    I thank you for your response... And I will tell you that I talked to the woman and I told her that mistakes had been made and that, we now have to keep in mind that this child has to now become the focus of our issue.. I have two kids and I expect her to understand that my children will know their sibling and that child WILL be a part of our family.. What has been done has been done and neither one of us can turn time back, however we can make things better by being civil and fulfilling the life of that baby...

    I do not want drama (well should I say any more drama) and I am willing to open my home and my family to this child he has fathered... I will say that my husband (turkey) will step up to his responsibilities.. AND I will NOT accept anything less...

    Thanks!
    donf's Avatar
    donf Posts: 5,679, Reputation: 582
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    #13

    Oct 18, 2007, 08:34 PM
    Dear lady,

    I find your note to show an amazing amount of character. Picking up and leaving is not as simple as some imagine it to be, however it is an option.

    The choices you have made and your commitment to both your children and the new arrival is something I hope your children will draw on as they move through life.

    Thank you for being you and I wish the very best for you and yours.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #14

    Oct 18, 2007, 08:44 PM
    It sounds like you are handling it quit well.
    Just remember one thing never hold it against the child.
    DianeHarris's Avatar
    DianeHarris Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Oct 21, 2007, 12:57 PM
    Wow, I don't feel quite so alone and humiliated knowing there are so many others going through this same thing...

    My husband and I had been in a long distance relationship. We had planned on one of us moving as soon as we could. Well we got pregnant before we had even decided who was doing the moving. So after my daughter was born I moved to him, we married shortly after. Before our wedding we both confessed to having flings during our "long distance". We were both upset but tried to understand and valued that we were honest and made a clean slate before marriage. A few months into our marriage (about a 1.5 yrs after his fling), this woman contacted him from Puerto Rico and told him she had his BABY! She said she moved shortly after she found out because she knew about me and that I was pregnant and moving here to be with him (at least that's my understanding as I have yet to actually speak to her). SO, this news has been devastating! We are suppose to be his only girls, his ones and onlys. It has been three months now that we've known, he kept it from me for the first month out of fear of my reaction. I did leave him for a month but now Im back trying to work it out because I love him and my daughter needs her daddy. I didn't turn around to get divorced.

    Im trying to be a woman about this and am willing to except this little girl as my step daughter. What Im struggling with now is that I don't trust this other woman and him together, I don't trust her. I thinks she's being manipulative. He sends her money when she says the baby needs things, already he's sent about a grand. I am thoughful that the baby may needs things and I know its hard being a single mom but SHE decided to have this baby and not tell him about the pregnancy. Now, she's come into our lives and I feel disrespected, her not wanting to talk to me but sending pictures of this baby to our home, sending him guilt writing emails saying that's his daughter too and he needs to check up on her. Well meanwhile he's over here trying to figure out his rights and how to go about things. He told her at one point that he was going to seek legal advise and that she should do the same and she says w/ an attitude "fine, you do what ever you feel you need to do". So now he's all afraid she's ganna play games and not let him see the babe. I told him I was absolutely NOT OK w/ him going there to see them w/ out me, his wife. He says not only can we not afford two tickets he's afraid she won't show up or something if Im there. This is total disrespect, she has got to understand that he has an existing family that this is affecting! I know there may be details that he's holding back to spare my feelings but I also know that if she's the one he wanted to be with, I wouldn't be here. I fear though that she still wants HIM, and Im totally insecure about it! I can not handle them meeting w/ out me and he doesn't seem to understand that.

    We are going to counseling and Im praying that will help get me, us, through this. I know many of you say "oh girl, I'd leave his ", but its not that simple. He's my husband, the father of MY child and I love him. When all is said and done, I love him.

    Oh please help shed some light. Any advice? Im hurting so bad. Even though I new about the affair before we married, I still feel so cheated on and so cheated. I recognize (as he pointed out) that I had a fling too but mine did not result in another baby or worse, as I was "safe". Now he has another child to support and another woman to deal with.

    Im trying to be strong but Its all so much. Im hurting, confused, having a pitty party, jealous. Agh, jealousy is the worst!

    Any words of wisdom would be oh so appreciated!
    DianeHarris's Avatar
    DianeHarris Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Oct 21, 2007, 12:57 PM
    P.S. My heart goes to you gals going through similar challenges.
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #17

    Oct 21, 2007, 03:15 PM
    Hello Diane. This entire thread makes my heart so heavy. Such major life altering issues. If your counselor hasn't suggested this already, your husband should initiate legal proceedings to verify that this child actually exists and is actually his. So what if this other woman's feelings are hurt? He needs to ensure that this is really his child and not a ploy by this lady to get back at him for choosing you over her. Then, if it is established that he is the father, he does need to go to court to fight for his paternal rights. Have a court ordered visitation schedule and child support payments all put in place. It will cover him if she suddenly decides to sue him for back support. You know that as long as she is so far away from you that she holds complete power over this situation and your husband needs to take some control back into your lives. He does have a right to visitation if this child is his and he is sending support money. You can also be assured that once he makes this into a legal "battle", you won't have to worry about her being alone with him! She will be furious that he chose this route of enforcing his legal rights, and not allowing her any way to completely control this situation. In his visitation schedule, he can ask his attorney to have the child sent to your home when she is a little older. That will cut down on the expense of your having to spend the money to travel to see the child. Right now, you are right to want to travel with him. She needs to see that you are very much in the picture.
    DianeHarris's Avatar
    DianeHarris Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Oct 21, 2007, 04:41 PM
    Thank you Ruby! ;-) I know, you are so right. He's being a coward and playing into her bull. He was all about going the legal route, and then he woke up one morning feeling so bad for the baby that she doesn't know her dad yet and that legal battles take so long and cost money that we can't really afford, he decided that he should send money in the meantime and see her as soon as he can. Meanwhile, we have our own finicial struggles w/ me not working and staying home w/ OUR baby that Im just fumming that he's sending her money before we even know for sure. Ugggh! Im trying so hard to get over these insecure feelings. They are just awful. I mean, if they're ganna hook up again, I can't REALLY control that can I? I feel like we're not going to be able to mend if I don't just let him handle it and trust him. I just don't know how to do that. Im feeling so damn insecure, I hate it, this is not me!
    chocolatedelite's Avatar
    chocolatedelite Posts: 8, Reputation: 3
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    #19

    Oct 22, 2007, 07:37 AM
    OK... Diane. I unlike you had the opportunity to talk to this "woman" because how I found out was she sent him a text saying "why was he ignoring her and giving her the short end of the stick.. a woman in her "condition".. When i read this i called her and ask her about her "condition".

    My husband did not know and that was her way of telling him.. She never expected me to be the one to make that phone call.. YOu see Diane I set the tone.. I TOLD her how things had to be... She can have this baby from my husband, I don't solely blame her.. he had MUCH more to lose because of this tangle in bed than she did.. SO I do put responsibility where it has to fall.. HOWEVER I was NOT going to let HER ruin what I have at home.. SHE WAS NOT going to disrupt MY HOME.. I told her she had to recognize that her unborn child had a father, sisters, brothers and a STEPMOTHER... SHE made the decision to ALLOW that affair to get to this point and THESE would be the circumstances...

    My tone with her wasn't hostile nor did my voice for ONE TIME go up an octave... I was calm and very sure of what I was saying to her... She began the conversation with an attitude and sharp tone, but by the time I was done with her, all I got was total silence on the other end... I told her, her baby will get the financial and family support he needs...

    I haven't told anyone about this but one of my girlfriends and my inlaws.. ALL of which have been extremely supportive... I didn't share it with other of my women friends because I did not (a) want to be discussing it at every get together and (b) I did not want to be judged...

    I too love my husband and I my kids NEED their daddy.. He is a good man and has always and still does take extreme good care of us... HAD HE NOT been a good provider I would be GONE... But those were the pros and cons I had to weigh..

    Somehow there has to be some communication between you and this other woman... I'm sorry YOU are the WIFE.. She is manipulative and somehow your husband too has to set the tone for you.. BUT if he won't do it than you have to take the lead.. Not only for your sanity but for the peace of your home...

    I have had a hell of a difficult time with this... I do not trust my husband as far as I can throw him... Thing is I've never been a woman to trust a man anyway... BUT I did trust and believe he would NEVER bring anything of this magnitude to my house... This is where I am.. that level of trust that I DID have for him.. it's gone... I don't know if it will ever come back.. But I hope for his sake I will always LOVE him more that I can trust him... Because it is that LOVE that is keeping me here by his side...
    DianeHarris's Avatar
    DianeHarris Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Oct 22, 2007, 08:33 AM
    Wow, yes, you are so right! He told her that I wanted to talk to her and she said no, not right now. She's totally playing this poor me, Im all alone roll. Which is too bad for her but give me a break, SHE decided to have this baby AND not tell him unitl now. Im going to emial her first. I just called my hub and asked him to fwd the last emai she sent him saying "he needed to check in w/ his baby more often" and that her brother, who I guess she lives with, "wants to know if he's going to send money monthly". He said OK, we'll see how long he drags his feet at sending it to me, I think I caught him off guard.

    I figure I'd ease in w/ and email rather than an intrusive phone call to another country, also in fear that she'll just hang up on me. An email will at least give me opportunity to say EVERYthing I want to out of the gate. I want to tell her basically what you did, that she needs to recognize that this does not only effect him and her, he has a WIFE and existing children (my stepson who is 12) who are and will be very much effected by it. That she needs to respect and RECOGNIZE that I am his wife and plan to be very much involved. Some guide lines deffinately need to be set! I can't believe the nerve of some women. I feel like even the photos she sent to our home was sort of a disrespect to me! GRRRRRRRR. My heart is pounding right now..

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