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    aries_grl2k3's Avatar
    aries_grl2k3 Posts: 16, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Mar 21, 2007, 12:09 PM
    Boyfriend watching porn.is this helpful for sexual relationship?
    Hey gang-
    Not sure if I am posting in the correct topic.
    My boyfriend secretly watches porn when he thinks I am asleep by sneaking his laptop into the bathroom and locking the door.
    This may be natural... but it is very aggrevating and hurtful.
    Two cents on a couple questions are welcomed:
    Is this helpful for our sexual relationship? In that if I give off the vibe that I don't want sex, and he does, is it okay for him to conduct himself like this?
    Naively, this is my first relationship... so I wonder if it bothers me to the point of stripping my sleep, is it worth a battle fighting? Should I be worried?

    Thanks much!
    jterryva's Avatar
    jterryva Posts: 9, Reputation: 4
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    #2

    Mar 21, 2007, 12:22 PM
    It's very normal for you to feel this way... been there, and felt that way too, but you have to understand that his behavior has NOTHING to do with you. I used to feel rejected until I talked to my guy friends and they told me that this is totally normal. You should be upset if he was having "adult conversation" with someone else on the internet, but watching pornos is not taking anything from you and its obvious that he is embarrassed if he is hidding from you. "don't ask don't tell"
    crocop's Avatar
    crocop Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Mar 21, 2007, 12:33 PM
    Hi Aries,
    lol... forgive me, I don't mean to laugh, and it isn't you who makes me chuckle, it's your worse half. We men ('some' of us) can be so stupid. He thinks he's being so 'covert', so clever, yet u know all about it. Why does he bother to hide it?
    anyway, back to the point, and your Q.
    pornography helps ZERO! It has no 'useful' reason for existence other than to make huge sums of money to those involved in its production. May I ask what faith u are?
    if you're a catholic, like myself, than you should know that pornography is a mortal sin and as such it is obviously of no help at all. However, you might well be not interested to hear the religious and moral aspect of porn and sexual relations before marriage, so I won't bore u with that, hence the answer to your Q is NO it does not help. On the contrary, it might actually make things a lot worse. He sounds very immature to me and u may just find yourself being asked to perform things you'd rather not. If he gets hooked on porn, he may well seek to 'experiment' elsewhere, while still essentially sleeping in YOUR bed. That will lead him into promiscuity and will put u at risk of getting VD. VD's can easily lead to sterility in both your cases. You never actually get cured, just treated.
    you say u are losing sleep... and ask is it worth a fight. Of course! You cannot continue without sleep. However, it also seems to me that your boyfriend is not about to stop, so, unless u are prepared to tolerate him watching porn, obviously somewhere else where your sleep is uninterrupted, you 2 in my opinion should split up.
    suddenImpact's Avatar
    suddenImpact Posts: 175, Reputation: 23
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    #4

    Mar 21, 2007, 12:46 PM
    I think this is a very common problem with relationships. First off, just because a guy watches porn, does not mean that he thinks any less of you, or that he don't want to be with you. When my girlfriend and I first started dating, we used to watch it together. Now she feels the same way you do, she gets mad, and says it makes her feel like her body is not good enough. Honestly, I think this is the best way, though... expecially if your looking for something new to try in the bedroom. Just turn something on that looks fun, and it sort of brings it up without you just saying "I wanna do this"... I think you'll find the type that he watches, is something he wants to try.

    Most women (as far as I know) do not have as much as a sex drive as guys, so if the girl don't want it, the guy is going to "relieve" himself. There are also times where, the guy just wants to "go". When a guy is having sex (at least me) I feel obligated to make sure my girl is satisfied before I go. Some days this can take longer than others. If a guy masturbates, he can pretty much make it last as long, or short as he wants.
    jterryva's Avatar
    jterryva Posts: 9, Reputation: 4
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    #5

    Mar 21, 2007, 12:48 PM
    I forgat to mention that in my opinion watching pornos does not help the relationship. If your BF is mature enough he'll understand your point of view if you tell him that it bothers you and if its not an addiction you may ask him to stop and he should. I just don't feel that you should make the mistake of looking inside your relationship to find answers cause his behavior has nothing to do with you. That is probably the way he was satisfying his sexual appetite prior to being in a relationship with you... but now its time to quit.
    crocop's Avatar
    crocop Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Mar 21, 2007, 01:01 PM
    It is very sad that people feel the need to turn to porn for ideas on what to do in bed. I find this quite pathetic. Making love to a woman is not about how many different positions you can twist her body into, it's about loving her, and showing her that. Unfortunately all most men are interested in is getting off, so no wonder there are so many 3 minute jokes about us, or even less. A kiss is the most intimate thing two people can do, if they know how to do it. And patience is also necessary. A woman will always be left frustrated because she almost always wants to go slow, and we men (and there are exceptions) are like a bull in a china shop, and porn is all about self gratification, with no regard for your partner. Q for everyone... how often can you watch the same film over and over again??
    Even if it is a good film!! Well that's exactly what porn is... once you've seen it a few times, it becomes boring as hell, whereas with a little imagination, from both sides, making love should never become a routine and boring.. assuming of course that you are with the right person.
    aries_grl2k3's Avatar
    aries_grl2k3 Posts: 16, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    Mar 21, 2007, 01:21 PM
    Hi People-
    First thanks for the honesty...
    I suspect he is looking at porn at the least. At the worst, he is having those adult conversations on someone else on the internet.
    I thought about returning the favor, but somehow I can't go through "all the way".

    So as follow-up, if I don't have proof (and I admit, I don't-all this is suspect based on the time of the night-up until 2am, what I find the next morning-seminal excretions) what would I say?
    I've tried the "what time did you go to sleep last night" (recieving reply of I don't know) and "what were you doing up so late" (recieving reply of watching videos/news).

    Could there be deeper issues (ie satisfaction?)?

    And to address the adopting porn behavior, either I'm noticing it more or it's really there, but lately some exlamations/questions have been asked that leave me more to suspect.
    crocop's Avatar
    crocop Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Mar 21, 2007, 01:37 PM
    Check the history and u'll know what site's he's been on.
    jterryva's Avatar
    jterryva Posts: 9, Reputation: 4
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    #9

    Mar 21, 2007, 01:40 PM
    Communication is a must and instead of playing detective you may want to comfront him directly once you are certain that he is up to no good.
    aries_grl2k3's Avatar
    aries_grl2k3 Posts: 16, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Mar 21, 2007, 01:44 PM
    Yes, but you see-he locks the door. I tried the "I need to use the restroom" tactic. All he has to do is close the browser. What would you suggest I do then? Grab his laptop and screen his history--oh and the history part, his mozilla has the feature to delete all history/temp int files/cookies upon closing.

    Ugh :( seems like a no win situation.
    Sorry for my discouraged attitude... thanks for your advice, though. I'd like more if you come up with anything else.
    iAMfromHuntersBar's Avatar
    iAMfromHuntersBar Posts: 943, Reputation: 146
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    #11

    Mar 21, 2007, 01:52 PM
    Ok, granted this is a complicated topic, but I thought I'd add a couple of quick points here.

    Next time he sneaks off, simply follow him and ask what he's doing. You really need to find out exactly what he is up to before you continue!

    Firstly, if he is watching porn, you need to find out why he feels the need to hide the fact he's doing so. Don't out-and-out confront him about it ("Have you been watching porn") because his knee-jerk male reaction will be to deny it regardless! The last thing that he needs to hear is what he's doing is wrong, because then he'll just look for other ways of hiding it from you!

    If he IS watching porn, it's very unlikely it's due to not being satisfied, he may just like watching porn! I watch it, I have a girlfriend who I have sex with and both experiences are very different!

    Also, don't go through his laptop looking for 'evidence', if he catches you doing so or even if you do find anything, it will be absolutely no use to you other than to confront him as above.

    I hope this helps a little!
    crocop's Avatar
    crocop Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Mar 21, 2007, 01:55 PM
    I think it's all been said :) you have to decide now whether u wish to associate with a person like that. There should be no secrets in a good solid loving relationship. You are a person who does not like porn so u should look for a guy who is interested in you, developing a loving relationship with YOU, and not some virtual bimbo. If there is no respect in a relationship, there can be no real lasting love, only pain and misery and disappointment. What u must have, and never lose, is your self-respect and your moral standards. U must never compromise on these 2 things. If you do not respect yourSELF, u cannot expect another to do it. If u lose it on the account of another, he will NEVER help u regain it, but only ever use u, for if u can compromise on that, he'll count on u compromising on all else. And if u compromise on MORALS... well... I can't think of anything worse. Be selfish in this case, and think only of what u want. After all, all he wants is for u to shut up, stop nagging him, and give in to his desires, whatever they are and whatever they may become.
    tshot300's Avatar
    tshot300 Posts: 2, Reputation: 2
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    #13

    Mar 21, 2007, 04:15 PM
    Don't know how you feel about porn, but perhaps if you watched a video together it might spice things up for you both. If not for you, I wouldn't worry about it. It's more important that he's not communicating with someone online.
    crocop's Avatar
    crocop Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Mar 21, 2007, 04:23 PM
    I wouldn't bet a rupee that he won't, sooner or later.
    As for your suggestion of 'spicing things up'... that's a nonsense.
    All it can do is make more problems for them both if they try to do what they see in such trash. There isn't one thing that porn is good for. The world as it is is so full of immorality that there's no cure for it. If we analyse just the last 20 years, and consider the speed of 'progress' (what a joke) than in the next 20 years it is reasonable to assume that things will get worse at an even faster rate.
    iAMfromHuntersBar's Avatar
    iAMfromHuntersBar Posts: 943, Reputation: 146
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    #15

    Mar 21, 2007, 04:30 PM
    I watch porn with my girlfriend on a regular basis, and we both watch porn alone, I see absolutely no problem with that, we're both adults, there's no morality issue there!

    I place a good 50 / 50 split on my sexual technique and experience on past relationships and porn. I think I'm a great lover, both my girlfriend and I are very happy in all aspects of our relationship and we really love each other!

    I think the main problem in this question is that the boyfriend is hiding his activities!
    EnglishRose's Avatar
    EnglishRose Posts: 279, Reputation: 49
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    #16

    Mar 22, 2007, 07:59 AM
    I have to say I have absolutely no problem with men looking at porn. All guys will look at porn at some point. Any woman who tells herself other wise is kidding themselves. (Unless obviously they are against it for religious reasons, then in that case I would not like to comment). It is a one way thing and helps guys feel more confident in bed. They see a guy doing something and they think 'she's going to love it when I do that'. However, conversations on the internet are really dodgy. Where does it stop and when does it become infidelity? His opinion on that may not be the same as yours. The fact he is hiding from you isn't good but then he may think you will over react. I suggest that you listen at the door. A bit naughty I know, but you will be able to hear if it is one click every so often (Blatantly porn!) or a lot of typing which would suggest otherwise! There are ways to check the history on all comps but to be honest I wouldn't know how or suggest you try to find out because you might mess something up.
    If its porn, try watching it with him and tell him to come out of the bathroom. If not, then at least you know and you can decide how bad it is.
    crocop's Avatar
    crocop Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Mar 22, 2007, 09:16 AM
    Unless obviously they are against it for religious reasons, then in that case I would not like to comment
    <> well I would! Objecting to porn and not indulging in porn for religious reasons is the best reason there is. Not believing in God does not make Him disappear. Not believing in Him is more of an excuse to allow ones self to do what one knows he/she should not.
    man lives for 70 odd years, and God wants him in heaven. Sin and an eternity of hell is what awaits. Don't misunderstand, we ALL sin, but a lack of regret and a fervent wish and attempt NOT to sin will ensure a one way ticket into the basement.
    what I just said may generate strong comments, but they will not reverse or erase the truth.

    It is a one way thing and helps guys feel more confident in bed.
    <> how pray tell does a guy feel more confident??
    what he will see is a guy who can go on for hours. Will his ability to go for a matter of minutes 'only' make him feel confident about his ability??
    he'll see women do things his lady will never do, will that encourage him to find a 'lady' who'll endulge him?? Yes, it very well might.
    morality is the one standard in the world that, like 2+2=4, should never change with the passing of time. It is not a fashion thing. The fact that 9 people out of 10 today do something that that 1 person refuses to, does not make them RIGHT and him WRONG.
    Slavery was a 'normal' thing in the south in US history, and not just US history. Was it RIGHT??

    They see a guy doing something and they think 'she's going to love it when I do that'.
    <> and when he does it, and she hates it, and he hurts her physically and emotionally, what then?? Will THAT help his confidence? Will it IMPROVE their relationship??

    However, conversations on the internet are really dodgy.
    <> why?

    Where does it stop and when does it become infidelity?
    <> infidelity occurs even when you fanticise about sexual intimacy with a person other than your partner, and if your partner is not a spouse, than your intimacy with him is a sin. I know I'm not making myself popular here, but I don't care, the truth cannot be altered by the differing opinion of the masses, and truth is often unpopular, we ALL know that.
    suddenImpact's Avatar
    suddenImpact Posts: 175, Reputation: 23
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    #18

    Mar 23, 2007, 05:24 AM
    Ok, if you want to think of this in the BEST possible way, here's an idea. Right now, he thinks he is not good enough for you. He thinks that he does not pleasure you enough, and would like to learn something new to change this. When trying to think of how he can learn, he figures he has two options. One, find another woman, maybe that's a little more experienced that will help him out. He obviously loves you too much to do this, so he moves on to option two. Watch a little porn, learn a couple things, and have some fun with himself in the process. When he decides he feels comftable enough to try something, hopefully he don't just dive in, an he'll ask "hey, do you wanna try something a little different".

    Now with these two senerios, which do you think you'd spend an eternity in hell for? :)
    crocop's Avatar
    crocop Posts: 27, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Mar 23, 2007, 09:14 AM
    EnglishRose disagrees: I think you are taking this too far hun. Maybe you need to release some frustration of your own lol
    <> Hey.. I knew there's be comments about my view, and that's OK, you're entitled to your opinion, I welcome it, but your point of 'taking it too far' is a matter of religious belief, and it has light years less to do with my (non)existence of frustration, lol:-)

    iAMfromHuntersBar disagrees: Telling someone their boyfriend will go to hell for watching porn is a tad harsh fella! This isn't a witchhunt!
    <> harsh? I expected this too. 'Harsh' is also a matter of religious belief. You don't believe in God (I assume, and I think it's a reasonable assumption) in which case you see (logically) nothing wrong with porn, and whatever else I might object to. That's OK, you have your own free will and you can exercise it as you see fit, but as I said earlier, one can say, and believe whatever one wants, yet none of that will change the truth, and that is that there is a God, and that porn is offensive to Him. But you rediculously condemn me as a witchhunter. Catholics have been condemned as such through history. Yes it is a fact that a great deal of injustice has been done IN THE NAME OF RELIGION, however, just because someone does something very wrong and does it in the name of suomething or someone, it does not mean that that someone, in this case God does NOT exist, and it is no reason to turn ones back on ones previous beliefs JUST BECAUSE OF ONE BAD EGG (or many!! ) If your friend has a very bad experience with one particular make of car, is that really a reason for you to never buy a car from that manufacturere?? Of course not.
    p.s. forgive me if I appear to be a 'windbag' and talk too much for your liking.

    <> suddenimpact... HOW can you know WHAT he thinks!!
    And quite frankly, looking for an experience woman to practice with so that he can better please his girl would be beyond twisted.
    I shall happily risk being a boring preaching windbag (by all means read no further) and continue.
    The problem with people today is that they want everything in a hurry, gratification too. They have no patience. Becoming a good lover is NOT something that happens to man or woman by watching porn. Porn by definition has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with love or making love. All it is is SEX SEX SEX. Communication between partners is imperative. Both parties need to speak openly and frankly about sex. That is another problem, people don't talk about what they like or dislike enough, so you end up with the situation of one side not knowing what the other likes, and so frustration builds up. When people talk openly and honestly (about everything) than there is never confusion. Through communication and practice people become better at sex/making love and also grow closer together. Learning together is much more fun than going to some whore to learn on so that you can be the best you can be over night. It's fur more fun and romantic learning together. Also, there are numerous books on technique... since when is porn considered the only place one can learn anything??
    p.s. if you're reading this, congratulations!! :O) I hope it was worth the pain to you.
    letmetellu's Avatar
    letmetellu Posts: 3,151, Reputation: 317
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    #20

    Mar 23, 2007, 09:27 AM
    I can tell by reading your posts that in your case watching porn is not helpful to your sexual relation ship, or you would not be asking the kind of questions that you are. First off you are not sure what he is doing and it is already effecting your relationship. What are you going to do if you find out for sure that he is looking at porn. Or maybe a worse case, what if he is carrying on a sexual conversation with another girl on the Internet.

    I think if you attitude was different and you got turned on by the fact that your partner is a sexual person then it might not bother you if he is watching porn.
    I myself do not look at porn, other than the shots like the one of Brittany Spears getting out of her car with her beaver showing, but that is not for sexual stimulation, only to see what the nuts of the hollywood crowd are doing.

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