Originally Posted by
muzef_k
I am a 25 year old closeted and completely straight acting gay man. Apparently I am sexually attracted to my straight male friend since the day I met him and every time I see him I get sexually aroused and want to have sex with him. I can’t imagine having sex with anyone else because I keep fantasizing about him. My daily life has been completely disturbed and I can’t even concentrate on my college studies.
My advice here is the same as I would give anyone who is coveting their friends significant other.
They're not available to you regardless of how available they seem to be or home much you lust after them. Drop them as a friend, cut them out of your life and move on. IF you're going ot invest as much as you have in a relationship than you should have some of that coming back to you and you're not.
You deserve better.
Originally Posted by
muzef_k
He has been my friend for the last three years. Although I don't consider him as one of my best friends because there are a few things that I don't like about him or may be because my other best friends are a way more helpful and caring than he is.
It all started about three years ago when we became friends and since the first day I had a crush on him. and I also thought that he was sexually attracted me too because whenever we met he would hug me like my all other straight friends but the only difference was that he would sometimes also kiss me on the side of my neck while he hugs and sometimes calls me sexy in front of other friends which I pretended to take it as a joke like other straight guys. But deep inside I thought he liked me and is sexually attracted to me and maybe he is gay or bisexual. He is 24 year old and not married and doesn’t have a girl friend. Although at this age having no girlfriend is a normal thing in our society because most of my other young straight friends don’t even have girl friends yet but they do talk about admiring a good looking girl. But this friend of mine doesn’t even talk about admiring girls. Therefore to figure out his sexual orientation I sneaked into his laptop files and I managed to find out that he watches straight porn. But I was still not convinced that he is straight because most of the gay guys also watch straight porn just like me.
Therefore I started to make physical moves on him and asked him to come to my house every weekend to watch movies as I live alone in a single bedroom house. We used to lie in the same bed and watch movies on my laptop until midnight and then he would leave for his home soon after we finish watching movie but he never stayed overnight at my home despite the fact that I always insisted him to stay overnight which he always refused. He had always asked me to give him a neck massage and stroke his head while we watched movie. I always enjoyed giving him a neck massage because it turned me on. While I would do the neck massage I would also rub his chest and I would kiss him on his cheek two or three times during the whole movie time which he seemed ok with and I noticed that he liked it because he didn’t always stopped me or said anything verbally but sometimes he managed to avoid my kiss by moving face to the other side. At one time I tried to kiss him on the lips which he again managed to avoid but turning his face to the other side but did not say anything verbally and kept quite. This entire thing had happened very often during the whole three years but I could not make any further moves other than kissing on cheek and stroking his head because I was afraid to disclose that I am gay and being a closeted gay none of my other friends know about my sexual orientation. I am not afraid of losing him as a friend but I don’t want to disclose my sexuality to anybody who is not gay. Although at many occasions I insisted him to let me give him a massage on the bare shoulders and the upper back body which he refused by saying that he doesn’t like removing his shirt in front of me because he is shy.
During all this time he definitely knew that I liked him in a different way and I wanted to get intimate with him but he kept ignoring me. I also indirectly tried to tell him that my feelings for him are different from feelings that normal friends have for each other but I didn’t explain it very clearly that I am gay. I think he liked spending his weekend nights with me because he would visit me every weekend even though I never asked him to come over and despite my failed attempts to get intimate with him he still kept visiting me but I wonder why!.
I am curious where you live because this isn't really normal behaviour for people around my neck of the woods. I can see why you're question but this could just be friendly behaviour. You're also picking and choosing the information to get the slant you want. Being that he goes your way.
You've also put yourself in a catch-22 situation here. You're not going to be telling anyone that you're Gay until you know they are too. How are you going to know if you don't admit to begin with? You're so far in the closest that you're almost in Narnia, and it is making things difficult. This is fine because you need to come out at your own pace and by your own schedule. It is just a little... difficult.
Originally Posted by
muzef_k
At many occasions during these three years I came to a conclusion that he is neither gay nor bisexual and he is only straight and want to spend time with me as a normal friend only. But my problem is that I am a gay and I can’t resist my feelings towards him and I can’t spend time with him like a straight friend because I have feelings for him as a gay.
You can't resist your feelings the like because you have poor impulse control. You've crushed so hard on him that everyone is compared and found wanting because of it. You're your own worst enemy in this regard.
Own up to your emotions and why you feel them; even if they're really illogical.
Originally Posted by
muzef_k
Therefore about three or four times during these three years I had stopped speaking and meeting him for months but he kept insisting me to invite him over and asked me the reason why I don’t speak to him and never answer his calls which I replied with an excuse that I don’t want to be friends with him because I don’t like him and he wastes my time and interrupts with my studies but I didn’t tell him the actual reason. And then eventually I met him again and again because I could not help it.
You have your answer here. You really need to sever all contact with him. He's toxic for you because you've obsessed over him so much. There is almost no way for you to be platonic with him again. I would advise to tell him the truth. That you can't be friends because you're so attracted to him. Either, as unlikely as it might be, he might share your feelings or more likely he will refuse them and you'll get a clean break.
You need to get over him. Over these feelings because they'll never be returned and you'll be hurting over them for as long as you stay near.
Originally Posted by
muzef_k
But now it has come to the point that I am desperate to have sex with him. Once I tried to cuddle him in the bed while we watched movie but he managed to escape my attempt which made me embarrassed. But I had kept on trying to do so because I wanted to figure out whether he has the same feeling for me or not. I also told him that I don’t like it when he refuses to stay overnight with me but he replies by making an excuse that he has trouble sleeping outside his house or he is not able to go to sleep other than on his own bed.
You do realize that you're getting so close to rape/sexual assault here? It would never be prosecuted, but it is getting really close. You're forcing yourself on him. That ain't right, if he was a girl I would expect you to have been pepper sprayed.
Originally Posted by
muzef_k
But today I am very confused that If he doesn’t like to get intimate with me then why does he not tell me straightaway that my attempts to have sex with him makes him feel disgusting or whatever. Despite my failed attempts to cuddle him why does he never tell me to stop doing it? Why does he still want to spend time with me when I keep ignoring his phone calls and don’t want to speak to him? If he is gay or Bi then why does he not stay overnight in my bed. I am sure that by now he knows that how I feel about him and what I want from him then why does he not accept me or reject me. I also think that he is selfish and a mean friend because at many occasions he had borrowed some money from me which he never returned and keeps asking for more therefore I think he is a gold digger and is only using me for his financial needs.
Could anybody please tell me how to sort out this situation? I keep thinking about him all the time and my condition is getting worst day by day. I don’t want to disclose my sexual orientation to him because I am straight acting and closeted gay. But I also want to find out whether he has the same feeling for me or not.
Why doesn't he just push you away and openly deny it? I don't know. He could be in the same situation as you are. Maybe he is worried you're baiting him for some reason. I am question it myself.
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I have scattered comments through your post as I read them. I am very confused by the situation. I am curious where you live because most of the behaviour you're describing falls on the intimate couple side. Kissing, rubbing, and massaging. It is just... odd.
Regardless, you're going to be questioning this until you have some sort of closure on the relationship/friendship. You need to talk to him. Open and honestly. You also have to realize that the conversation will most likely cause the end of the friendship which I can only see as a good thing.
You really need to sort this out. I think it will involve coming out to him. It is affecting your life and you need to stabilize it.