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simonew · Apr 24, 2012, 07:13 AM

Well, here goes. My husband and I have been married for 17 years and have a ten-year-old son. For about 14 of those years, my husband has had substance abuse problems. We have fought many times and a few of those times, I left, sometimes with the help of police officers. About two years ago, my husband decided to get clean and sober and he was doing a good job of it - two years sober. I just could not get over my anger over all those years of abuse and I constantly pushed him away, although we did have sex about once a week. I absolutely dreaded it and told him I thought the marriage was over. Late last year, we decided to work on things and even started to see a councelor. I thought we were headed in the right direction but then found out he was having on-line relationships with several women, one in particular, I found love letters and gifts from her. He was always sneaking texts to her but I never really gave it much thought - I just assumed he was talking to ojne of his AA friends. No. He was not. In her letters to him, she said she loved him and that they were going to be together. Instead of throwing her cards out, he put them in the trunk of his car, unopened. I found them there. Now he says he does not text anyone, loves me but is not in love with me, wanted a divorce and now appears he does not. I am stuck in this relationship.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 24, 2012, 08:18 AM

First no one is really stuck ever, there is always a front door. But I will say this, you were telling him it was over, most likely he knew you dreaded having sex, so why are you surprised he got online people to tell him that they loved him, he wanted and found love somewhere.

But guess what he loved you more since he stopped the relationship.

You were not in love with him either, and it can all work out if you will both accept partial fault for this, and keep going to counseling to try and work it out

Schoolmarm97 · Apr 24, 2012, 08:27 AM

I agree. You are only stuck because you want him to be the one to leave. If you are fed up, then you need to take the reins and get off this pony now. But if you are unsure, then stick with it until you can rack up some counseling hours. I can fully understand why you pushed him away during his substance abuse years. That's enough to break most marriages. But if you're hanging on to that anger after he's gotten clean and you're just waiting for him to screw up again so you can force him to leave, then that's something that counseling can help you see more clearly and deal with.

A marriage counselor once told me that whatever is left unresolved in your marriage will continue to be problematic to you after you divorce, so it's worth trying to get closure on some of this regardless of the outcome.