I'm so sorry your son's behavior is hurting you this way. My daughter Heather, age 38, also has verbally and emotionally abused me for 20 years.
Heather was "born angry." She has been in therapy, and recently "remembered" that I used to "beat her with a flyswatter." No such thing ever happened! Rather, MY mom used to beat ME with many things, including a flyswatter (in those days they were made of nylon mesh stretched over a metal frame) and a wooden paddle. I told Heather about my abuse, and she somehow internalized the "memory" that I had done that to her. Now she is furious because I won't apologize. I can't apologize, as that would be saying that I did that to her, and I did NOT. Now I am forbidden to have contact with her children. This latest episode was two weeks after I paid her $25,000 college loan for her!
Luckily, I have a decent marriage, good step kids with whom I get along, and a lot of step-grandchildren who love me. I am retired, but I volunteer for several organizations. I started a monthly movie group with friends, I arranged a 4th of July neighborhood party that blossomed into about six different holiday parties yearly, and other similar activities. By reaching outside of myself, I find that I do not need (or indeed, want) a relationship with ANYONE who abuses me, including my own daughter.
When a woman is being abused by a man, everyone agrees she should get out of the relationship. It just recently occurred to me that the same thing should apply to ANYONE who abuses me, including my daughter. It's her loss.
Yes, I am sad that I can't see my youngest granddaughter, but the older one will soon be 18, and is planning to visit us this summer. (She says her mom is a drama queen.)
My advice - expand your world. Try activities until you find a passion (mine are animal welfare and politica). Do everything you can to get outside yourself and make the world a better place. Then it won't bring your entire world crashing down when one miserable person mistreats you.
I hope I don't sound flippant, because I endured a lot of heartache and agony over Heather's rejection of me. I finally just decided it's not worth it. Do i want to spend the rest of my life being abused and walking on eggshells, or do I want to make my life count for something, and prove that I am better than what she thinks of me? No contest. Best wishes, Donna