Where do I start... I feel like I am physically ill. And believe me... I am not a foo-foo girl that submits to her man. I am very independent and I was quite content being single before I met Al, but now my world has shifted and he is a part of it. I've recently stopped eating right. I can't function right at work. I would love some advice. Here's my situation...


Our relationship:
I love my boyfriend (let's call him Al) very much and I know that he loves me just as much. When we started dating I was completely myself with him and it was beautiful. I have never been into hot pink clothes or little cutesy girly things. I'm very casual and low-key. Natural, little to no make-up but not a hippy. Any who... We have a very sweet relationship. We go out of out way to help one another. He randomly buys me flowers, I surprise him at work with Starbucks or lunch when he is having a busy day. He comes to church with me on Sunday occasionally(where I work) and volunteers. He has introduced me to his family, which is huge to him. We always discuss our future married life. I even hangout with the family -- watch movies, go to the mall with them, out to eat, getting my nails done with his little sister, etc. Things are great.


The problem:
Al does not trust men. He hates them and definitely does not even trust his own guy friends/associates with me. He says they are sneaky and only call when they need something. Additionally, Al is a sweet guy, though he'll never admit it, that loves inspiring people and is happy to give advice about how to move upward and onward in life. So, all of his friends are girls (75%). They meesage him on Facebook or by phone or call him to check on him or ask for his advice and I hate it. To be honest, all of his female friends are somewhat cute girls and several of them are his type (tan, curly hair, long legs) and I especially hate THEM. Every time he has a post on his Facebook wall it TORMENTS me and it turns into interrogation! He always explains his past relationship with them, "we went to middle school together, she is my best friends little sister, they love 10 houses down" and makes me out to be the crazy one. He refuses to delete them from his Facebook or from his phone. He doesn't see the point if he isn't doing anything. Once he got so frustrated with me he cried, "why don't you see that I only have eyes for you!" he exclaimed. For that reason I have deleted my Facebook to gain some sanity. I can't even keep up with my cousin in Australia now... but at least the fights have stopped. He always gives me permission to search his phone and his Facebook at any given time, but I always decline. If it comes to that, I think, then ALL the trust is gone and he will just begin trying harder to be a sneaky ninja about it. Lastly, this is my first serious boyfriend in six years and I really do see him as husband material.


My past relationship(s):
In the past, I was with a guy that I was with for almost 2 years. We met online. Soon after myspace became a huge deal and he was always on it. I never cared. For the last six months of our relationship he was emotionally cheating on me with this girl online, a cutesy girl. Emotional cheating turned into physical cheating and I found out and I was devastated.


I need a solution:
I do not want him to get so frustrated with this that he gets fed up with me and leaves? Am I being possessive? I find myself trying to be a cutesy girl now just to keep his interest. I'm not ugly and I have never been insecure until now, if that is what this is. I don't like it. I just wore a pair of 4-inch heels on our last date. What! That is SO out of character. Am I being crazy? I have been on my own for so long and I really don't want to mess a good thing up with my jealousy. I simply want to have his attention and focus on me, an me only. Is that too much to ask. He never hangs out with them but he does run into them when he goes out with the guys but never mentions that to me.


Example:
Once, he went out with the guys and got a text the next morning saying "how's the hang over?" from a girl. He says they just ran into each other at the pool hall. Old friend from high school. He had no clue why she felt the need to text him. He gave me permission to text back and she never responded again. Then he deleted her from his phone willingly. We both discussed changing our number and he is okay with that.


What is next?
He know how it makes me feel and slightly finds my jealousy cute and funny -- but I do not. I am going gray over here! I know that a woman with confidence is attractive and I know men want to know that their lady has confidence in them - so I can't imagine how unattractive I must be right now.


I have read countless online Q&As about others situations, so I decided to write my own.


I have heard:
-fake confidence tntil you get it.Fake it tntil you make it... (which I cannot do... he reads my face quite well)
-go with him to see a female or tell him to boldly decline if I cannot be present (which he honestly does do)

Why have you become so insecure, so uncomfortable in your own skin?

I feel as if I am almost competing with these girl friends. I am trying to stay in style and keep up appearances so that I never "let myself go". I keep having these crazy images of him gawking at there pictures. My heart instantly begins to race and just get enraged at the thought,

If he dumps you for one of them, who will you be then? And what does that make him?

Well, I'm a guy and the majority of my friends are women too... some are pretty damn cute as well. Guess what? They are friends. I don't do anything with them and am not planning on doing it either. I seem to get along with women better as, for the most part, I don't like guys much. I do have a few guy friends but overall, I don't trust other guys.

I am married. I know having so many women friends on FB annoys her to a point but she trusts me and it doesn't eat at her.

What it all comes down to is that you are going to wind up pushing him away if you can't somehow cope with this fear of yours. You have to learn to trust him. If he's being honest with you, and you keep this up, there will come a point when he will find it is too much and he will leave. You have to find a way to deal with it because it is your problem to deal with.

Also, as for acting girly to try and keep him. I think that is a mistake also. He is with you because of who you are and who you were when he met you. Maybe he doesn't want a girly girl... maybe he wants a natural girl... maybe he wants you. Maybe you worry too much.

Please do not let your fears change you or make you project those fears to him, in the form of jealousy or competition. I don't know what you are afraid of or why you have this fear of competition, or even see it as competition, but I highly suspect its his not trusting YOU around other men.

Another thing I suspect is that you had to give up socializing with your guy friends, and he does NOT! NOT FAIR AT ALL, is it? Maybe your fears are from him, and you better get a better equity going before the divide, and resentments destroys you. Forget the fear, the relationship doesn't sound equal to me.

You seem to have made his fear, your own. Don't, talk to this dude and if he cannot trust you the way HE wants to be trusted, dump him.