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    helpdie's Avatar
    helpdie Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 29, 2012, 10:57 PM
    Life sucks. I want to die.
    I'm a 24 yr old guy. I spent 100k on a 4 yr degree and now work for $10/hr. I'm completely broke. I have never had a girlfriend. I am a virgin. I am really ugly. Most people think I'm 34 yr old, not 24. The only reason I haven't committed suicide is because of my parents. They paid for my education and have a lot of loans. I was thinking about getting a really good life insurance policy and then get in an "accident". At least my parents would get some money to pay off my stupid loans.

    I know I would be hurting a lot of people if I did this. That's the only reason I haven't pulled the trigger. We have a history of suicide in my extended family. My uncle, and 2 aunts. I don't know what to do. It would be nice if there was a way to disappear without anyone missing me. I know my siblings and parents will miss me a lot. I don't know what to do. Who can I talk to... I don't want my family to know I am depressed.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #2

    Jan 29, 2012, 11:43 PM
    I wish I lived close by and could give you a hug. To find a counselor, Google your city name and the word counselor. Your depression is feeding on itself. And yes, the world would be much poorer without you in it. The economy is slowly improving, so hang in there. What is your degree in, and where are you working right now?

    I shelved library books at $3.00 an hour when I returned to work 30 years ago, but within three years, things started getting better when I was in the right place at the right time plus my skills were finally appreciated. Similarly, my younger son graduated from college in 1997 but could get a job only as a house parent in a Down's syndrome group home (not what he wanted to do AT ALL--but it taught him patience among other things.) He persisted at job hunting, got lots of practice interviewing for jobs, and finally landed a job where he makes more money than God.

    Learn stuff now at this job. It will come in handy in ways you cannot imagine. Be the best employee you can be.

    Keep posting here. We'll think of things to help.
    ceilingtile's Avatar
    ceilingtile Posts: 65, Reputation: 5
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    #3

    Jan 30, 2012, 01:41 PM
    My advice is go see a doctor and get some counselling. You are worth it! If u are interested in finding out more about God a church will welcome you with open arms and help you. There are many people that have felt like you do with loans etc... and have gotten help with medication and counselling. Good luck! I will say a prayer for you now!
    awesomagic's Avatar
    awesomagic Posts: 69, Reputation: 46
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    #4

    Jan 30, 2012, 06:27 PM
    Yes, life sucks. But you can't compare your life to everyone else's. And that is exactly what you are doing. You have used terms like, "Broke - Girlfriend - Virgin - Ugly - 34 not 24." You are fueling your own fire when you do that. Stop it! Your life is YOURS to live. Nobody can live it for you, and you can't live another's life for them. Make peace with that.

    Stop worrying about what's wrong with your life and focus on what's right about it. You stated that if you "disappeared" that your parents and siblings would miss you. That's a start. You are loved just the way you are and that says something great about you. They want to love you, so let them. See how easy that was?

    You're fine. Everything that you think you are missing will come together. Maybe now just isn't the time. But fear not. The time will come. Be patient.
    helpdie's Avatar
    helpdie Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jan 31, 2012, 10:14 PM
    Thanks for the replies everyone. It's nice to talk to people anonymously. I guess I'm ashamed to talk about how I feel with friends/family because I don't want them to know. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with and I don't want to add to their problems.

    A part of me knows how lucky I am (great parents, siblings) and good friends (although I don't hang out with them much because I don't feel like socializing/going out) and I know I shouldn't feel this way. There are people out there that have it WAY worse and they seem happy.. content. Why can't I be happy?

    I was diagnosed with moderate depression 1.5years ago and I was seeing a counselor but after a few visits, I just stopped going. I had exams and work and never made the effort to go back. I think it has stuck with me because I have never dealt with it properly. I figured it would just go away and I would be happy once I finished school. But it seems like there's always something in my life that makes me sad. I don't know if I just focus too much on the negatives... like there is some inherently wrong with my thinking, or if my life really is that crappy. Not sure if that makes sense.

    I googled counselors but they seem to charge 120-180 bucks per hour. I'm already in so much debt and can't afford it.

    I have been feeling depressed for much of the last 2-3 years and have been waiting to feel better. How long do I have to keep hoping I will feel better? How do I know if I will EVER be happy for more than a few hours at a time? It just seems like so long ago that I was genuinely happy and carefree that I don't even know if that feeling exists..

    If I have a moment in a day where I'm happy or I laugh... the first thing that comes to mind is, "why am i happy?"... it's like being depressed is normal. If that makes any sense.

    I guess I'll just keep going for as long as I can with this life.

    Thanks again for the responses.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #6

    Jan 31, 2012, 10:26 PM
    There are tons of counselors who will work with you on a sliding scale, charging you only what you can afford. My retired, no-pension uncle had one--a GOOD one!--who charged only $3 a visit (based on his SS payments). I have done a lot of free counseling, wanting to help people and not cause more grief because they can't afford it so will avoid it. This is true especially with job hunting help when they have no income. Many have come back to pay me later once they got a decent job.

    Catholic Charities or Lutheran Social Services will charge only what you can pay. Many ministers/priests do free counseling or ask for a donation to their congregation (without requiring you to become a member or talking all the time about Jesus).

    Yes, there's a counselor out there somewhere for you.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #7

    Jan 31, 2012, 10:35 PM
    Okay, so you are a virgin, big deal. Sex isn't the be all end all that people make it up to be. I don't mean to sound condescending, but I want you to listen and take life into perspective.

    I know people with MD or PhD who are paying back student loans while working very low paying positions. The economy sucks. It's not your fault that you can't find work in your position.

    What I suggest you do is to find out if there is a psychology department at your local university. More times then not they have treatment there. If not for free then for a sliding scale fee.

    I've been where you are and it's not easy to climb out of the hole that we dig for ourselves, but it IS possible. Remember that you wake up each morning... you are the lucky one. You take a breath that isn't painful... you are the lucky one.

    Your pain is mental, not physical, and can be overcome. Yes, you may need some medication, but it's not always permanent. I took mine for 6 years before being able to be off it completely.

    So, you make $10 an hour... that's more than many people make in this economy. Consider yourself lucky that you DO have a job right now. What you need to do is look at the positives in your life and weigh them against the negatives.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #8

    Jan 31, 2012, 10:38 PM
    If you want job hunting/resume help, start a new thread on one of those boards. I and others will be glad to help. I already have ideas.
    helpdie's Avatar
    helpdie Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Feb 1, 2012, 11:48 PM
    So it seems like the local university has free counseling service provided by final year master's in psych students. I'm considering going in for a visit. I also think meds could help. I will discuss that with the counselor.

    I'm going to try and make some changes in my life. I'd like to quit my current job because I really hate it. I mean like the job but it's just my boss who makes me dread going to work. But it's in my field and I don't have many options at the moment. I might try to switch to part time so I don't have to deal with him so much. I can work part time at my dad's business... it has nothing to do with my career goals but the pay is much better. A lot less stressful too. I understand that lots of people make less than me but not the people I know. Everyone is successful.. my siblings, my friends, basically everyone but me. I'm the failure in the family right now. But I'm working on staying positive and not comparing myself to others but it's easy to say then do.

    I'm going to start going working out again. I remember going to the gym used make me happy about myself. Maybe going back will help?

    The virgin, sex thing... I have given up on that one... at least for now. I have no idea how to meet girls, talk, what it's like to be in a relationship. Maybe leave this one for later. Most of my friends have gf's so I'm always the odd one out. I guess that's why I avoid hanging out with them sometimes. My parents have also told me to find a girlfriend. I think I need to work on feeling better about myself before I can be ready to ask a girl out.

    I have started a list of the good and bad things in my life. Hopefully the good stuff will be much longer. Maybe I will post it here and get your opinions. This was something my last (and only) counselor suggested but I never did it.

    Thanks again everyone.

    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
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    #10

    Feb 2, 2012, 12:40 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by helpdie View Post
    so it seems like the local university has free counseling service provided by final year master's in psych students. I'm considering going in for a visit. I also think meds could help. I will discuss that with the counselor.
    I'm glad J_9 mentioned that. I should have thought of it, since I had done that too in grad school. Then during our internships, we counseled people in the community.
    I'm going to try and make some changes in my life [regarding my worklife].
    That sounds like a good plan. Right now you don't have to work in your career areas of interest.
    I'm going to start going working out again. I remember going to the gym used make me happy about myself. Maybe going back will help?
    One of our long-time members is in med school right now. That was always his advice after a breakup, life stress, whatever. Exercise and get those endorphins (happiness hormones) moving!
    I think I need to work on feeling better about myself before I can be ready to ask a girl out.
    Now you're thinking!!
    I have started a list of the good and bad things in my life. Hopefully the good stuff will be much longer. Maybe I will post it here and get your opinions. This was something my last (and only) counselor suggested but I never did it.
    Now you're cookin'!!
    smearcase's Avatar
    smearcase Posts: 2,392, Reputation: 316
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    #11

    Feb 2, 2012, 09:14 AM
    If your parents are like most people, the suicide of a son would just transfer the suffering to them--and they will suffer from it until their dying day. They will second guess every decision they ever made relative to you and weigh every word they have spoken to you in the last x years, wondering if they somehow impacted your decision. Suicide is known as the coward's way out not because of the physical act but in part because it transfers the pain and suffering to others. You are reacting to what others may think, say, or discover about you actually. Maybe trying to help others, through your acts (not financially if not possible) would give you more purpose. Having hope is the essential ingredient for most folks and you have far more hope than many other categories of much worse off people.
    klause's Avatar
    klause Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #12

    May 30, 2012, 09:10 AM
    If you think you are ugly then you are perhaps; but I think you should be changing the definition of beauty, most of the people are ignorant about it. And as you say your family loves you and will miss you I think you should spend lots of time with them, I have no doubt you will be happy. We don't know if gods and ghosts are there but most of us believe in them can't you believe that you are good looking when you really are. You will very soon find a girl if you believe that...
    UMA SHANKAR's Avatar
    UMA SHANKAR Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Jun 27, 2012, 01:43 AM
    Just look for your own skill or your creativity and use it for earning. believe me you will succeed. and always B+VE
    BlazePT's Avatar
    BlazePT Posts: 23, Reputation: 2
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    #14

    Jul 2, 2012, 03:29 PM
    Hey, buddy. First, I'm sorry to hear that you're considering taking your own life. You're really struggling a lot if you're thinking like that...

    Well, I don't know if this helps but I'll give you an example of a friend of mine who is now 25. He has never had a girlfriend and just lost his virginity about 2 months ago, with a girl who decided to cheat on her boyfriend.

    Yes, not a very good thing to do, but the thing is: he's not very handsome as well and he is kind of quiet and introverted and not really good around girls; besides, he's a geek. Some months ago, I was dating my now ex-girlfriend of 3 years and he was always talking about how he would like a girl and how a girl would make his days brighter.

    Anyway, you know what? A girl all of the sudden hook him up when he least expected it, and this guy has been trying to pull me up since my breakup, 2 months ago. I look at this guy and have the most respect for him.

    Tell me one thing, do you have close friends that you can meet up with?

    PS: I send you a BIG HUG and please don't think about this suicide thing anymore... Life's too wonderful to just throw away; I know that this sounds like a cliché but it's true. Also, try not to focus on the things you DON'T have. Try to remember that at least you are healthy, you have a family and most importantly, you have a JOB.

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