I too have just found out that my spouse of 20 years, not only had 1 emotional affair, but a second one with his high school GF which lead to a sexual affair. I had always proclaimed that I would never be able to forgive or forget if a man did something like that to me, but I forgave him without asking. BTW he did call and ask the HS GF for forgivenes for putting her between the 2 of us. She more or less told him THANK YOU for using me and hung up. He still to this day has told me he does not care if I need to hear him say the words, he will not ask for my forgiveness. I have linked 98% of his action, conversations, lies, cheating, behaviours, new habits on midlife crisis. Not that this excuses his behaviours in any way. He has told me he wanted a divorce, but because of his co-dependency and victim mentality, he has not left and after 3 months back has decided to unpack his box. ( he has been so verbally abusive, I told him I could not live this way, I had an appointment with my attorney and he needed to move on-we both agreed he would leave and that was that...) Well, last night he told me he knows he will never forgive himself if he 'abandons' us and therefore he is staying. Mind you, I am told I am a great person, it would be so easy to leave if I were a B&*ch. However, he is not in love with me, everything that has been bad in his life is because he married me, I am repulsive, disgusting, non-ethnic, lazy, I have no desire to better myself, my memory is too good, co-dependent and the list goes on and on... Interestingly enough, I am told everyday I am beautiful by strangers I meet on the street, at work, grocery stores. Last night a woman told me I was so beautiful I could be a model, of course she also told me she was straight, to not get the wrong idea..lol.. But to him, I am not worthy of his forgiveness. So, on Monday, I went to the attorney and had the paper work for the divorce drawn up. Did I mention, he went to see her after 3 months of 'no contact' and then came home-lied about not seeing her, oh and she texted me the next day to call her about a misunderstanding. Yeah...
So... give your wife some time, let her know she is important, seek counseling together, rebuild that bridge between you. This is your fault-you brought this to her-you can not expect her to deal with it in a manner that pleases you, you have already pleased yourself.