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    ali89ma's Avatar
    ali89ma Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Sep 16, 2011, 11:37 PM
    She cheated... What should I do ?
    I am 22 and she is 20. We started dating 2 years ago... Things weren't that great at the beginning but we tried to work things out. Things got better and better. She was my first girlfriend so she meant a lot to me... After two years I had made her so special for myself... I would do anything for her and I truly loved her. We were a symbol for our friends and we were the perfect couple to them...

    After a year and half I found out that she talks/flirts with other guys(texting and face booking) that I didn't like and she once gave her number to a guy who had hit on her. So I kind of started getting worried and I asked her to stop it but she kind of kept texting the other guy and face booking and stuff. A few times she indirectly mentioned that she wants to try dating other guys. My heart was so pure and innocent. I never tried to make her upset by flirting with other girls or anything.

    Anyway 2-3 weeks before our 2nd anniversary she told me that a year ago she started going out with her ex boyfriend. The guy at that time had a girlfriend too. And she said one day we were on his car and we started kissing and making out. A few days later one of her friends tell her that that guy is a jerk and he is going out with everyone and that's the time she realizes what she has done. But she didn't tell me for a whole year.

    A few months later when I was sure that she is the right one I gave her my virginity (we were both virgins) but at that time she kept it a secret. If I knew about it I would have never slept with her at all.She basically used me for a year. It really hurts when I think that I did all those sweet and romantic stuff for a girl who had cheated on me and didn't tell me about it. I gave her my virginity... I waited 21 years to find the right person...

    She is all upset now and keep texting me how much she regrets that and how much I mean to her... At first she was like I'm going to go date other guys and make sure your are the one and tonight she texted me and she is like I don't want anyone but you... Well I can't trust her anymore... Our relationship is not going to be like before again... The image of she kissing the guy keeps coming to my mind and bothers me so much... I can't love her like before anymore but should I at least give a try ?

    I really want this to work... We shared amazing moments together but at the same time my heart is broken... The fact that she didn't only go out with him once and the fact that she didn't tell me for a year... She not feeling guilty and texting other guys and flirting with them makes me even more upset... But I don't want all that great things to go to waste either... Am I being to emotional now ? What should I do ?
    BK201's Avatar
    BK201 Posts: 338, Reputation: 150
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    #2

    Sep 17, 2011, 06:23 AM
    Yes you are emotional now. Take your time, tell her that you need some time to think. Set the time, say a week or so (avoid talking about this to her in this period, strictly, else your emotions are re-kindled). Once you have calmed down, you will know what to do..
    It is either forgive or forget.
    If you can forgive her, and if she could gain your trust, good for both of you.
    If you cannot, then forget her, good for you.
    Keep updating here if you can as this is a cat on the wall situation. Looks like she has her heart set to explore the world, and doesn't want to be bound, yet, afraid to loose you. No, she can't do both.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
    Uber Member
     
    #3

    Sep 17, 2011, 07:27 AM
    You go no contact.

    The trust is gone,she's not who you thought she was-it's heart breaking but you will heal with time.

    No contact means no communication whatsoever,so do not reply texts or pick up her calls.

    Take care!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Sep 17, 2011, 10:31 AM
    I feel for you guy, as you wrapped a lot into your first love and had high hopes for a blissful future.

    Leave her alone until you have gotten to a calmer place within your own mind and can think more practically, and deal with facts and not feelings, by giving yourself time to let your own emotions settle, without her influence.

    Tell her you are to hurt to think, and you need some time to get control of yourself. I know its difficult and confusing coping with the disappointment, and betrayal, this is the first experience with affairs of the heart, and you are probably hurt badly, and in shock.

    You need time to deal with YOURSELF, before you can deal with her, or anyone else for that matter.

    Take that time, however long it takes you. Rushing back into this before you are ready or able, will make it worse.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #5

    Sep 18, 2011, 07:44 AM
    It will never be the way it was after such a breech in honesty. And integrity, and values and morals. You did not realize it at the time, and in retrospect, now realize that she was not ready for a serious commitment, she only played like she was.

    I don't the maturity is there for her, at her age, to change into the person that you thought she was. That is not a knock against her, it is just who she is- not a person you thought you knew. Maybe she will be that person some day when she sets her own standards a little higher, decides she wants to settle down with only one man, and build a loving, honest relationship.

    You have been hurt by the deception, however, now you know that you need to know someone a lot better before you allow yourself to fall into the same situation again. Think about the relationship as not so much you not being compatible with her, but as a learning experience. You will do much better the next time around I'm sure. Nobody gets away with not having bad relationships along life's path- you are no exception. Many have walked in your shoes. Also a plus here is that you know now, and not after investing more time in a relationship that was not what you thought it was.

    My advice to you is to move on. Accept that what has happened is all a part of growing up. The experience you had with her was a good teacher to do a little self evaluating and maturing so that you learn, move on, and find a more compatible person. You have losses, we all do, and it will take time to accept that s**t happens, and accept it as a part of live, and move on.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
    Entomology Expert
     
    #6

    Sep 18, 2011, 08:16 AM
    I think the hardest part for you is the fact that she's your first girlfriend and the one you gave your virginity to. I was there years ago and my first also betrayed me and cheated on me numerous times. After the first time, she said it was a mistake and it would never happen again. I wanted to believe because I had invested so much of myself into the two of us. As time went by, I found out she was still cheating with anyone that would pay attention to her.

    Don't do this to yourself. It's a rollercoaster ride through hell... seriously. If you feel like the trust is gone, you're never going to get it back and honestly, she doesn't sound like she is worth trusting anyway.

    I'm a little confused with this timeline of what you're talking about in your post. You mention that she texts guys and gave her number to one. Is that after she had the affair with the other guy that you just recently found out about? If she has been doing this AFTER she messed around with the other guy, then it shows me she really doesn't take your relationship seriously, has no respect for you, has no remorse for what she did, and still can't be trusted.

    I realize that since she was your first, you are having an incredibly difficult time dealing with this and your mind is clouded on what you should do. I went through it myself. I'm telling you from experience though that you are likely to be much better off without her. Seems tough right now but later you will look back and know you made the right decision.

    Good luck to you.

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