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    revlon94's Avatar
    revlon94 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 29, 2011, 10:42 AM
    Caught my wife sexting... What to do next?
    I caught my wife sexting with a friend of ours. I have had some suspicions that something was happening for about 2 months now. On Saturday I checked my wife's phone and found sexually explicit texts between her and a friend of ours. I confronted her about it and she did not deny it.

    She says that she has not been happy with our relationship for a while now. She has said that it has not gotten physical, just exchanging of texts and pics. (She has never sent me nude pics)

    I lost my job last year, and that forced me to evaluate my life. I recognized that my marriage needed some attention. I was able to get a job in September. We have been together for 12 years and married for 9. We have 2 kids. She is a stay at home mom and a successful independent business owner.

    In March, I finally started to make the efforts to work on our relationship after getting established in my job and able to provide for my family.

    I am completely devastated by this and I want to fix our marriage and get past this, but I am not sure how to start.

    What advice would you have for me?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #2

    Aug 29, 2011, 10:52 AM
    This is a hard one. Now that it's out in the open though, it should be easier for the two of you to talk about it and resolve it.

    Have you asked her why she isn't happy, what parts of your relationship are displeasing her?

    Counseling is a great idea for both of you. I would highly recommend couples counseling which would involve the two of you getting individual counseling, and counseling together as a couple. That way all of these issues can be brought to the surface with someone that can not only mediate and make sure things don't get to heated, but also someone that has the training to direct the two of you back in the right direction.

    That would be my next step.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #3

    Aug 29, 2011, 11:08 AM
    There is no magic answer to save a marriage, some can not be. But profession in person counseling by someone you both feel good about, and one you can be completely honest with. ( completely about everything)

    You may find new ways to communicate with each other, ways to express your feelings and love.

    Or you may find it is over and find ways to end it as friends.

    But you have to work at it.
    revlon94's Avatar
    revlon94 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Aug 29, 2011, 11:23 AM
    I have asked her what parts of the marriage are making her unhappy, and she says that we do not "click". She has compared our relationship to one of roommates. Where you have a friendship and get along but there is nothing more than that.

    I try to not work longer than I need to but I have always had a long commute, was over an hour, now almost an hour and 20. I have recently gone back to school, so I think all of these things are adding to the unhappiness.

    I will talk about the marriage counseling with her. Is that the only thing you think will work in repairing and re-building our marriage?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #5

    Aug 29, 2011, 11:38 AM
    I am female, and I have to say, there have been times in my marriage when I felt the same way your wife does. We women are very emotional. We need emotional validation. When our men are caught up in work, school, etc. etc. we sometimes feel left in a corner, left out of everything.

    You said that she's a stay at home mom, but also a successful business owner. Does she spend a lot of time working on her business, or is she mostly at home tending to the kids, while you're out working?

    I don't mean to make it sound like you're to blame. There's one thing that I have learned after 16 years of marriage. I know why my husband works so hard. He does it for me, and for our kids. He went to school to further his career so we could be more stable. That didn't change how I felt being left at home to take care of our kids while he was gone. I knew why, but it was hard to accept that he wasn't around.

    I really do believe that counseling would be a good idea. Talking to each other is as well, but it often helps to have someone that's not a part of the problem, but someone that can look at it from a new perspective.

    My husband and I are now very happy. We worked through the tough spots. At one time I felt like we were only roomates as well. It wasn't because I didn't love him, it was only because of the limited time we had together.

    I don't know if I'm making my thoughts clear. It's often very hard to make your point when you have to do it in writing.

    I really can't stress enough that counseling would be a step in the right direction. Will it save your marriage? I can't say for sure that it will. But, without it I think you'll only get further and further away from what you want. And I have a feeling she feels the same way, she just doesn't know how to express it. Counseling will help with that.
    CliffARobinson's Avatar
    CliffARobinson Posts: 1,416, Reputation: 101
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    #6

    Aug 30, 2011, 01:18 PM
    I think in addition to the counseling suggested here, you should start thinking as creatively as you do at work. What ways could you try to reconnect with her on an emotional level while on your rides to and from work? While you are at work? While she is off working and you are free?

    I am not talking about buying gifts which do nothing long term to fix a problem, I am talking about looking at the problem of distance as one to overcome using technology, creativity, etc. Not a superficial "performance", but a real effort to stay connected with your mate on every level, not letting 'life' get in the way as much.

    I know you can come up with ways to get reconnected. The question, as stated by our experts, is will counseling work.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #7

    Aug 30, 2011, 01:27 PM
    One thing I think is a great idea. Date night. My husband and I make it a point to have a date at least once a month. Our income is limited, as is our time, we both work outside the home, and we have other obligations, but we make it a point to connect as a couple.

    Why not surprise her with a night out. Hire a sitter, take her out to dinner, or go do something you both enjoy, skating, an art class, a long walk. That's up to the two of you.

    It takes a lot of work to make a marriage work. You have to keep the couple aspect of your relationship alive. Yes you have obligations, and those are very important, but time together as a couple should be an obligation as well.
    Nilo39's Avatar
    Nilo39 Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Aug 30, 2011, 08:01 PM
    I've been in a similar situation when my wife asked for a divorce just over a year ago. We've tried counseling and it helped to resolve conflicts and immediate problems but it didn't really help us to grow back in love again. One thing that has really helped me is the advice from two books by Willard F. Harley Jr. They are His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters. Both of these books together have done wonders for my marriage by teaching me how to focus my efforts in the right ways that matter to my wife and thereby begin to bring back the feeling of love in my marriage. My marriage still is by no means perfect, but its improved significantly and I have the blueprint in these books for how to keep making it even better.
    Its also key that you take the lead, chances are, your wife may not be reluctant to jump into this marriage rebuilding like mine was at first. So I had to take the lead and really work at it for 9 months before she accepted that there is hope for our future and started working on the relationship as well. Again, there is hope for your marriage but you need to act now. Read these books and put what you learn into practice, they are probably the best advice for saving your marriage that you will find out there and I know they've been invaluable to mine.
    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,482, Reputation: 2992
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    #9

    Aug 30, 2011, 08:03 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by revlon94 View Post
    What advice would you have for me?
    Hello r:

    Throw her to the curb... Life is rough.. You need people in your life who are IN your corner.. Your present wife ISN'T. Be DONE with her.

    excon
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #10

    Aug 30, 2011, 08:15 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by excon View Post
    Hello r:

    Throw her to the curb... Life is rough.. You need people in your life who are IN your corner.. Your present wife ISN'T. Be DONE with her.

    excon
    That's a bit harsh Exy.

    The wife was sexting. Shyt happens. When you're lonely, and someone pays you a bit of attention, sometime you turn to them. She wasn't cheating. Not physically.

    They've been together for a long time. They have kids. Isn't that worth fighting for?
    excon's Avatar
    excon Posts: 21,482, Reputation: 2992
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    #11

    Aug 30, 2011, 08:19 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    They have kids. Isn't that worth fighting for?
    Hello Alty:

    Ok, if you think so. But, I don't see much difference between sending naked pictures and talking dirty with actually screwing him.

    excon
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #12

    Aug 30, 2011, 08:28 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by excon View Post
    Hello Alty:

    Ok, if you think so. But, I don't see much difference between sending naked pictures and talking dirty with actually screwing him.

    excon
    I guess that's where you and I differ.

    To me, sexting, or sending dirty pictures, is wrong, but not cheating. Then again, even if she had physically cheated, I don't believe that that's necessarily a reason to get a divorce. It all depends on the couple, and whether they can work it out.

    Sounds like the OP wants to work it out. That should be encouraged.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #13

    Aug 30, 2011, 08:35 PM
    At the same time. Even though the OP wants to work it out. Does not mean that the other person does. There needs to be both of them working it out together. The only way to find out if she is willing to work on it is if she says yes to the idea of counseling. It is not a quick solution by any means. Hope she comes around, but if not then yes eventually there might have to be some tough decisions to make. About leaving the marriage but think it is way too early to make that call.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #14

    Aug 31, 2011, 06:48 PM
    While you have forgiven her bad behavior, also forgive your own, and hold your head up because if she can't forgive you, and take responsibility for her actions and is willing to work with you, whatever it takes, then what's the point?

    You seem willing, so make sure she is just as willing, and have patience, and be good to each other. Lead by example, and do what's right, but if she doesn't follow, then you are on your own. I will be honest, being unhappy in a marriage is one thing, stepping outside of it is another, and though you feel she was justified, I DO NOT, but once the decision is made by you both to work through this, then that's over, but you better make damn sure she talks to you before she crosses the line of good behavior in the future.

    Comes down to honest communications, and if you prevented it while you were going through your own unhappiness, before you saw the light, then you both are guilty of inappropriate behavior. It takes time, and hard work but you both need to be on the same page to move forward.
    CallMeFriday's Avatar
    CallMeFriday Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Oct 10, 2011, 08:12 PM
    I'm in a similar situation myself. One thing I have been doing is leaving a post it note on the mirror in our bathroom with a note with something like "I love your smile," or a poem, or finding an old photo of the two of us and tape it to the mirror, with a note like "we havent changed, I'm still crazy in love with you."

    Another trick I have done to tell her I'm still crazy about her is to write a short thought on the mirror with a dry erase marker, or... get some antifog eyeglass wax and write with that. When she gets out of the shower, the steam from the shower will allow the wax to display the message.

    My wife reads, I've been known to write notes and place them on the bookmark.
    On her iPod, I queue up our wedding song to be first song to play.
    I have sent her flowers, just because it was a random day.
    I don't know how old your kids are, but call in sick one day (I know, easy to say) and come home and take the family on a picnic lunch. Take the rest of the day off and just have family day.
    On a weekend, take the kids and tell her to take the day off... do what she wants to do (treat her to a spa day... or a mani/pedi), let her sleep late, make her breakfast in bed with the kids, etc.

    Just some thoughts. Good luck.
    angthemom's Avatar
    angthemom Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Nov 12, 2011, 09:14 AM
    I am currently in this situation as "the perpetrator". I feel terrible for what I have done to my husband, my kids, and even our extended family. My husband found emails between me and 2 different male classmates from high school. It NEVER became physical, it was pictures and sexy talk. Plans were made to get together but I ALWAYS called it off because I didn't want to become physical. I wanted attention and something to break the boring cycle of everyday life. Please know that I am not making excuses for my behavior I am offering reasons. What I did was inexcusable and I don't know if my husband will ever trust me, believe me or even stay with me and honestly I don't blame him for feeling that way.
    Details of our lives: we have been together almost 11 yrs; married for 5; have 1 child together and 1 from a previous relationship, (mine but he has raised her like his own). He works long hours has a horrid 1+ hr commute each way and I am a SAHM.
    Again please don't take my reasoning as trying to excuse the behavior.
    Boredom, Facebook, loneliness, feeling unappreciated, feeling undesired were a driving force in why I did this. The men approached me, I did not seek them out. They flattered me, made me feel like a woman again not just a housekeeper, chauffeur, cook, nanny, etc. All that flattery and excitement sucked me in - they were available to me when my husband wasn't - aka during the day. I would have much rather been sending those pictures to my husband and talking dirty to him than these guys but he thought it was wrong to do that at work. "He's supposed to be working not goofing off." his words.
    I want to try to work through this with my husband and fix my marriage. I have deleted my Facebook acct. Erased those contacts from my phone and I will give my husband access to my email acct. if that's what he wants. I will do anything my husband asks of me at this point to fix my marriage and to earn his trust again. The only thing I have asked of him is for us to get counseling to give us an impartial person to help us work through this situation. He is still too angry and hurt to make a decision on that but at this point he is refusing. He says he will never get over this.
    I have answered every question of his about this situation honestly and will continue to. I got caught and I will pay for my crimes. What can I do to help him get through this?

    Revlon94 - if you wife is willing to work at saving your marriage and you are also then by all means do it. It may not work in the end but at least you can both honestly say you tried to fix it.
    Nilo39's Avatar
    Nilo39 Posts: 4, Reputation: 2
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    #17

    Nov 13, 2011, 09:31 AM
    Hi Angthemom,

    I can highly relate with your situation as some months ago I was very tempted to pursue an affair. During this time I had been reading the book 'His Needs Her Needs:Building an Affair Proof Marriage' by William F. Harley Jr. and it explained so well what I was going through and better yet how to turn around my marriage. This book made so much sense and I want you to know that the problem is not just you it stems from the health of your relationship, your ability or lack thereof to connect with each and to communicate and to feel loved. Your husband feels betrayed and rightly so however he also needs to come to accept that he contributed to this problem. What did he do? I'm just speculating but I bet over the years he stopped doing most of the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place and so gradually you found yourself increasingly feeling neglected, trapped, unhappy, bored and had a void in your life, the void being a lack of feeling love, connected etc in your relationship. So when someone came along that filled that void your were highly attracted to that attention. It made you feel alive again, hey some of your needs were starting to be met again. But also I'm sure you went through great struggles inside being drawn to what felt so attractive and appealing and holding back because of your existing relationship and commitments. I too went through this and it was not easy to be pulled in two directions, on one side life was depressing, void of the feeling of love, I felt like I was trapped and doomed to a miserable life, and on the other side there was this new person who could meet my needs to make me feel feel desired and wanted. Fortunately I did not give into my feelings, rather I used the experience to seek out the understanding of what was wrong in my marriage and how to fix it. One thing is for sure William F. Harley's book really helped me understand what I was going through. He also has another book, 'Love Busters' which was equally if not more applicable than 'His Needs Her Needs' for me. The main thing is that your marriage right now is dysfunctional, its not by any means all your fault rather both you and your husband. I encourage you to read these books and its imperative that your husband lets go of his pride and accepts that he has neglected you. This may not be easy, because he's feeling like the victim and it will be hard for him to accept that he contributed to create the environment where this could happen. Trust me, after I talked to my wife about my feeling unloved she started working on what I needed and it was like turning a switch inside me, suddenly the void inside me was gone. I had proof that what William Harley explained in his books was true. Now knowing what my wife and I have learned from these books has been very enlightening but putting them into practice takes a lot of effort and work, but in the end its so worth it. Another great book I am reading now is 'Marriage Fitness' and so far it has similar concepts about needs but an even more complete understanding of how to build a great marriage. I hope you and your husband can work through this and become stronger together.
    danielhoward197's Avatar
    danielhoward197 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Jun 25, 2012, 05:28 PM
    Why is it when a man cheats on a woman and claims that she 'neglected' him in some way, he is simply accused of being a dirty cheating dog. But when a woman does the same thing, it is almost justifiable if there was a 'breakdown in the relationship'

    Quite simply, all you cheaters need to take responsibility for your actions. If you feel neglected, speak up, solve the problem or get out of the relationship. Don't go sneaking around your loved one's back. If you choose to send sexually explicit texts to another person, then you are emotionally cheating. You are a cheater.

    Unfortunately, there are people out there who feel that by cheating and getting caught, they have created a forum by which relationship problems can now be discussed when before they felt they couldn't be discussed. These people fail to see that if they are strong enough to have an illicit affair, knowing that they are potentially destroying the lives of all the people that are close to them, then they ought to be strong enough to have dealt with the relationship problems in the first place, rather than cheat.. But they do not. Why? Because they are selfish cheaters - and want the quick thrills without breaking up what is stable in their lives.

    I know all this because I myself am a serial cheater. If I got caught, I certainly wouldn't be blaming it on relationship problems. Yes, me and my wife have relationship problems. But that's not why I cheat. I cheat for the thrill of being with new women, experiencing that new love/lust. The same reason why women usually cheat on their men, the love/lust. People get bored. If, like me, they are stupid enough to risk a long and loving relationship (although perhaps without the new love thrills that you can get with someone else), then you should be prepared to lose everything. But DON'T then try and blame it on the innocent party who you have already destroyed. Just accept the fact that you are selfish and a bad person, make an effort to prove yourself to the people you wronged, and perhaps in the future, there may be a chance to work on the relationship problems that you thought you have (as well as trying to deal with the aftermath of the mess you have created)

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