Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    Ashley1478's Avatar
    Ashley1478 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Aug 15, 2011, 01:00 PM
    I'm in love with 21 year old but I'm 13. Is this really bad?
    Ok so I am 13 years old 14 next month. And this summer I fell in love with a 21 year old guy(I'm a girl). There's no sex involved. And I know this sounds super stupid and some might think I have no clue what I am talking about, but I have thought long and hard about this and this feeling isn't going anywhere. Maybe its too early to say I love him but after asking people and researching everything I feel fits the description. He feels the same way. Only there's two problems. One I'm a minor, so obviously anything sexual will have to wait until I am 18 of course. And the second problem is, well it will not be a problem once I am 18, but he lives in England, I'm in America. Honestly, is it really wrong to talk to someone over the internet? I realize there is a big age difference but I am extremely mature for my age. It started as a friendship and developed into this. He is my best friend and I care for him more than anyone else. The subject of sexual things has come up but its just joking and now its just talking about everyday stuff. However I kept this all from my parents. My mom found out yesterday. I can't lose him. I honestly need to know from a person who can put themselves in my shoes and give me a good opinion. He is a respectful guy, very caring, sweet, listens to my problems, and helps me cope with bad stuff going on in my life. He is my best friend. This has been going on for about a month and a half. Do I need to give this up?
    Curlyben's Avatar
    Curlyben Posts: 18,514, Reputation: 1860
    BossMan
     
    #2

    Aug 15, 2011, 01:04 PM
    One word springs to mind here and you are not going to like it.
    That word is PEDOPHILE!

    This sounds like a classic grooming episode.
    phillysteakandcheese's Avatar
    phillysteakandcheese Posts: 973, Reputation: 356
    Senior Member
     
    #3

    Aug 15, 2011, 01:17 PM

    You can't "know" somebody without spending time with them in person. Anyone can present a "mask" to you over chat (text or video), or the phone, when they only have to communicate with you for a little while each day.

    Even if this guy is who he appears to be in all respects, 5 years is very long time in a young person's life. Things can change drasticly in this time, and what seem to be "real" right now can turn 180 degrees and be very different very quickly.

    Your Mom is concerned about you. Although this love/friendship may be something lasting, it can also be something that ends up hurting you.

    I would have a hard time believing a 21 year old guy would remain faithful to a 13 year old girl, and especially not so for 5 years and in a different country.

    As a parent, I wouldn't make you give it up. I would tell you that it is unlikley you'll ever meet this person, let alone live happily ever after, and you should not try to shape you life around something you "wish" to be real.
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
    Uber Member
     
    #4

    Aug 15, 2011, 01:20 PM

    Curlyben is right this has 'grooming'stamped all over it.
    Cut all contact-he could be anyone -anywhere.
    A normal twenty-one year old man does NOT befriend someone your age.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
    Expert
     
    #5

    Aug 15, 2011, 01:54 PM

    Yes, the 21 year old is a sick person who has plans for you, and yes they will involve sex sooner or latter.

    He is a PEDOPHILE!! not a doubt in my mind at all on this one.
    Ashley1478's Avatar
    Ashley1478 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #6

    Aug 15, 2011, 02:12 PM
    Okay philly I understand your point. As for the other responses, umm no. A pedophile would want something in return. All it is talking I don't see anything wrong with that. There is no reason for someone to spend so much time chatting with a person if they do not care for that person. I know that there are creeps on the net, I'm very well informed. However this time I have no doubt that this is not a pedophile. And philly maybe he won't wait. I'm not shaping my life around this, but I want to see where it goes. Is that reasonable?
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #7

    Aug 15, 2011, 02:17 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Ashley1478 View Post
    A pedophile would want something in return.
    He hasn't gotten to that part yet. He's grooming you. No 21 y/o guy in his right mind would spend time (even online) with a 13 y/o girl.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #8

    Aug 15, 2011, 02:30 PM

    In a month and a half, this man has become your best friend and you have fallen in love with him. This is moving way too fast. I would say the same thing if you were both 21.

    It started joking about sex and now you discuss other things. That is wrong on many levels.

    Do you know what 'grooming' is? It is when a paedophile befriends a child/young teen. The paedophile over time convinces the victim, he/she is in love and there is nothing wrong with sharing that love in any way including physically or through pictures and messages.

    How did you meet this man? How do you know he is anything close to what he tells you he is? Just because he tells you he is in England doesn't mean he is or that he is really 21. He could be feeding you a story designed to gain your trust. Sounds like he has already succeeded.

    Stop researching love and start researching paedophiles/pedophiles.

    I hope you don't find out the hard way he isn't the nice guy you think he is.
    phillysteakandcheese's Avatar
    phillysteakandcheese Posts: 973, Reputation: 356
    Senior Member
     
    #9

    Aug 15, 2011, 03:00 PM

    I don't think there is anything wrong with talking to a friend over the Internet.

    The problem is when everything that friend presents to you is a lie.

    As Amicon said... A normal twenty-one year old man does NOT befriend someone your age.

    He could very well be a pedophile trying to gain your trust...

    He could also be a very lonely old man that needs the fantasy of someone loving him (at least the him he puts out there).

    My concern is more that you'll be hurt emotionally by this person playing on your feelings... not physically attacked by someone on the way to school.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #10

    Aug 15, 2011, 03:21 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese View Post
    not physically attacked by someone on the way to school.
    But phone calls could be next, then exchanging personal information about location, then promises of a visit.
    Ashley1478's Avatar
    Ashley1478 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Aug 15, 2011, 03:36 PM
    All right Cat. I may have worded my statement incorrectly. It did not start sexual, and friendship/whatever is not sexual. And this isn't a case of grooming. I would certainly recognize that. Yes I agree it has probably moved a bit too fast. But its staying at a friend/simple level now. I am sure he is 21 for several reasons. I have talked to him on skype/other stuff. His voice is in no way an old dude. Second, I know others who know him. I'm not being convinced to keep talking to him either. Its not like hey were in love and no matter what, we will always be together. That's creepy ****. Its just like well I'm happy we got to talk. Its just fun and open not even really like a relationship. Its something new to explore, I do not think its dangerous.

    Wonder none of that is happening. I'm not some stupid young girl that gives out her number to people on the web. There is no exchanging numbers between us, and the only maybe possible meeting time is when I am 18. That's it. Shouldn't someone ditch if they can't get anything? I mean I have nothing to offer, other than me just talking. Wouldn't a pedophile get bored? And a person who didn't care wouldn't waste tha much time.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #12

    Aug 15, 2011, 04:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Ashley1478 View Post
    i love him ... He is my best friend ... I can't lose him ... I care for him more than anyone else ... I kept this all from my parents ...
    "But I won't give him my phone number or any personal information."
    Ashley1478's Avatar
    Ashley1478 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #13

    Aug 15, 2011, 04:31 PM
    Its much too early for that is one reason. Second, that's not safe no matter what. I won't be telling guys or any ,one in the internet where I live or my phone number. I'm still cautious.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #14

    Aug 15, 2011, 04:39 PM

    Ashley, paedophile's can spend years grooming their victims. Some paedophiles are extremely patient when they want someone. They also start very slow and gain your trust. They don't grab you off the street on your way to school. They get you to think that everything you do is your idea when they are the ones who plant the seed. That is what 'grooming' is all about.

    Two months ago would you have thought about hiding a relationship from your parents?

    A week ago would you have considered disobeying your mother and continuing to contact him after she told you to stop talking to him?

    What might you do next week that you didn't think you would do this week?

    Do the people who also know him know about your relationship with him?

    Do you know that some people can sound younger than they are? How do think a 25 year old can play a teenager on TV or in movies?

    How did you meet him?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #15

    Aug 15, 2011, 04:51 PM

    I'm in love with 21 year old but I'm 13. Is this really bad?
    Yes this is bad, as you made a stranger on the Internet who is 8 years older, your friend, after talking for a month. A month? Even adults can't know someone, there character, and even if they are who they say they are in a month. Yet you have already convinced yourself you are in love.

    Just because you get friendly attention, and like it, doesn't make it love, but at least your mom knows what's going on, and I hope she watches you through these growing pains.

    Don't let this older stranger hurt you, or fool you, because as extremely mature as you think you are, you are INEXPERIENCED in the ways of the world, and the people in it.

    Smiling faces sometimes tell lies.

    Do you even have a web cam?? You are flying blind, with only your curiosity guiding you, so don't get carried away. This is so unhealthy, and unwise.
    Ashley1478's Avatar
    Ashley1478 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #16

    Aug 15, 2011, 05:35 PM
    Ok well yeah. I get it. It just doesn't make sense for someone to waste so much time. I'm not some model. Just the average person. Well Cat I probably don't have good answers to some of those questions. And I'm a teenager I don't tell my parents everything. I like a dude 7 years older than me. I'm sure my parents would totally find that cool. Maybe I am being lied to. But isn't it possible maybe it isn't a lie? In real life I get along with people much older than me anyway, and I learned how to keep up with adults. Its true, I do not have experience with sickos out in the world. This is all new for me. But once the person starts asking for things if he does, there will be no more. I'm not in for some hard core committed relationship. I probably spoke too soon on the love thing. Maybe he shouldn't be a close friend of mine. But I don't want to just abandon the whole thing. It didn't start this way at all. It was just random. We started talking and.it was just a friendship. I just don't think its super dangerous. I didn't tell my mom because she doesn't handle things like a rational person always...
    FadedMaster's Avatar
    FadedMaster Posts: 1,510, Reputation: 148
    Ultra Member
     
    #17

    Aug 15, 2011, 05:39 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Ashley1478 View Post
    Its much too early for that is one reason. Second, thats not safe no matter what. I won't be telling guys or any ,one in the internet where i live or my phone number. I'm still cautious.
    If it's too early for you to give him your information then it is too early to tell whether you are in love or not.

    Also, you cannot tell by a person's voice how old they are. Just because one sounds younger, does not make them younger. I know someone who sounds like they have the voice of a child younger than yourself and they are actually older than I am (I am 23).

    Another thing... you do not need to give someone your number or location in order for them to find you. Already he has probably gained enough information that he could find you through some careful research. One, just by connecting to him via Skype he can locate you to your nearest "major" city. If I trace my own IP address I am actually located to my very own city.

    From there, he can take bits of information, such as anything you have mentioned about school. All he needs to do is to find the school you might have spoken about that is nearest to the city he can trace your IP address to, and then hang around for a while until he sees you.

    My point is that it does not take much to find you. If one knows what they are doing, they can very easily locate someone with just a little bit of information.

    Please be careful. I would like to strongly urge you to stop talking to this person and talk to your parents about this. You should be concerned. Just based on what you have said in this very post, combined with the fact that you probably use the same username on many websites, one can get a pretty good collection of information.

    For example, just based ONLY on my username, by using Google, I can locate my phone number and complete address.
    Ashley1478's Avatar
    Ashley1478 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #18

    Aug 15, 2011, 05:50 PM
    No.I actually use a lot of different usernames. Yeah I'm reading these and feeling a bit stupid. I think I just like the person a lot. And if they can find me well then I'm screwed. But I don't want to stop talking. Like I understand what could happen to me. And I am still young. But I don't really get the motive. What rape? It would suck if they wanted to kill me. But I honestly don't think that's the case. I would recognize warning signs of a pedophile. Why not go about being friends, see how long it goes.on, if it continues until I'm 18, then just do whatever from there. I'm not like setting up meetings. The person does not know the area or section of where I live. They do not know where I go to school. They do not know family names. Is it still extremely unsafe?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
    Expert
     
    #19

    Aug 15, 2011, 05:57 PM

    So you think you are the only young girl he talks to? I very much doubt it. You just never know though do you?
    FadedMaster's Avatar
    FadedMaster Posts: 1,510, Reputation: 148
    Ultra Member
     
    #20

    Aug 15, 2011, 06:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Ashley1478 View Post
    Is it still extremely unsafe?
    If you have ever connected to them directly over the internet, they have your IP address. This can be usually traced to your city and Internet service provider. That will narrow down the search area significantly.

    From there, it's just a question of what details have been shared. If you haven't even talked about school, sports, family, etc... what have you talked about?

    I'm truly concerned for your safety. You continuously mention that you would recognize signs of pedophilia, and yet you admittedly have no experience with "sickos". The sheer fact that a 21 year old has shown such an interest in you is a MAJOR sign of pedophilia.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

I'm 15 Years Old In Love With A 21 Yr Old. Is It Bad If We Both Love each other? [ 24 Answers ]

Im 15 Years Old In Love With A 21 Yr Old. Is It Bad If We Both Love Each other?

Is a 4 year dating difference bad for an 12 year old [ 4 Answers ]

I am 11 turning 12 very soon and a just turned 16 year old likes me and likes me to... pretty soon we will be dating... if he tries to pull anything mor then holding handds and kissing then thts going to be the end of it... to me I don't think age matters and I'm not even aloud 2 date but I need to...

16 year old girl falls in love with a 60 year old man [ 1 Answers ]

I saw parts of this movie, it's pretty old, and I forgot the title of it. It's about a 16 year old girl that falls in love with a 60 year old man. I think he's a painter. Her parents are disgusted by this, and urge her never to go near him. I remember how this boy is angry that she doesn't like...

10 year relationship, 2 year marriage. And now he questions what true love is [ 2 Answers ]

Background (it's a long one, too): We are in our mid 20's and have known each other for 10 years. We dated exclusively through high school but without any commitment to marriage. That "in love" blissful feeling lasted for quite some time, well into our college years. He has always been a...


View more questions Search