I'm in need of an unbiased opinion. I've been unhappy with the decisions my Mother's been making lately, mostly because I don't think she thinks about others when she makes them.

One of the major problems has been her new boyfriend. She met him on an online game (Everquest?). The first night she met him he stayed over at the house and has been living there ever since. I had already moved out but my younger brother was still there. I felt that she put him in an awkward situation that he shouldn't have had to deal with. My brother has expressed to me that he really hates the boyfriend. This guy is nice enough but he spends the majority of his time on the computer and pretty much is a pile of stereotypical, opinionated white trash. My mother is head over heels for this guy and can't comprehend the concept that no one else in the family is too crazy about him.

Most recently, I haven't been wanting to stay at the house for the holidays because it's really dirty. Dog hair everywhere, sticky floors, it's hard for me to sit there for a long time. I want to spend time with my mom but I don't want to sit in a gross house. I told my mom that I didn't feel comfortable in the house with it being dirty and she got really offended (duh!) and pretty much said this is the way I live so deal with it.

I'm sick of dealing with it! I grew up in the mess and now that I live in a clean house I don't want to be that person anymore. I love spending time with my mom, but I walk out of that house dirtier than when I came in. What do I do?

I would call her up and invite HER out to dinner. Spend time with her without having to put yourself in situation of having to be in her dirty house. I would call ahead and let your brother know he is also invited or let him know that you just want some time with mom by yourself so he doesn't feel left out.

About mom's boyfriend, well its her relationship, and even if you don't really like him, its her business.

I'm not so sure what the problem here is.

If her house was as spotless as yours, would you still consider her boyfriend, as you said, "pretty much is a pile of stereotypical, opinionated white trash" and not visit anyway, because he's there?

Or is it the dirty house, and the stereotypical, opinionated white trash boyfriend, at the same time, is just too much to handle.

And what's with judging another human being in such a derrogatory, discriminatory, disrespectful way in the first place. If he were black, would you also casually label him 'a stereotypical, opinionated black boyfriend?' It is no more palatable in my opinion, to label any human being in this way. And, why do you feel you need to interject your assessment to your mother in the first place. Have you decided that she would be happier without him? I guess she disagrees.

Simple answer is, keep your opinions to yourself, and don't visit. Or, visit with a mop and pail in hand, and offer to clean her house yourself.

For someone so open-minded and kind like you it seems strange that you'll instantly label me as a racist, assume that I have done nothing to help and degrade me without knowing anything about me.

I like the idea of taking her out to dinner or lunch and tell her you want it to just be the two of you. Perhaps you can speak to her about your concerns for your brother in a non-judgmental way. Like, "Mom, I do recognize that you really like this guy and that he's filling a need in your life, and I agree you deserve that. I'm just worried about my brother and how uncomfortable he is with someone moving in who he doesn't even know. Have you talked to him about his feelings about this situation - it's a lot to take in for a kid." This way you're not saying, "he's a jerk, he has to go, you're selfish" but rather are focusing on her needs and your brother's needs.

As for the dirty house, perhaps you can offer to help her clean, and get your brother involved as well. Sometimes people are overwhelmed by the conditions of their homes and need some help, offered without judgement. Like, "Mom, I know how busy you are and how hard you work - would you feel offended if I came over and cleaned the house for you? It's something I'd like to do for all the things you've done for me." Count on her no maintaining it, but perhaps your brother can learn to do more to maintain a nice place if it doesn't start so out of hand.

Otherwise, she's going to live her way and you might as well find something to get along about, as your input may not make a difference and may not be welcome.

Spend more time with your brother, too. Invite him to your place so he can have a nice meal, at a table, and get a glimpse of the life he can have when he's old enough to become independent and run his own life as you are doing.

I guess first,

Who she dates is really none of your business and you need to either accept him or butt out of it. Parents are people, and they have the right to meet others and be happy if a past relationship has failed.

Also meeting on line is a very common way to meet people, In fact 12 years ago, I meet my now wife on a online game site.

Now the fact that they moved in together right away, means that perhaps they were chatting on line for a longer time and felt they knew each other enough. Or perhaps even dated some without you knowing it before.
Or perhaps your mom is impulsive.

The dirty house, sounds like it was always that way before, so you expected it to change (?? ) why?

Thank you for giving advice rather than criticizing me. I'm definitely going to make an effort to make sure that when I'm trying to point something out to her, that I'm not degrading her in the process.

It's not that they met online, but the fact that he slept in the house the first night they met in person. If my brother wasn't there, I wouldn't have cared. I'm not going to sit in filth, which means that I see my mom a lot less. That upsets me.

I don't really agree with the take that it's none of your business. Our families are our business, and given that you are an adult concerned about your minor brother, I do think it's appropriate for you to try to do what you can. At the same time, it is correct that you can't choose who your mother likes or live her life for her. I guess the line where I think you can get involved is when an adult creates a totally inappropriate situation for a minor, and that minor has no options to get out.