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    gadget2's Avatar
    gadget2 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jan 26, 2011, 05:47 PM
    How can I increase my boyfriends sex drive?
    My boyfriend and I have a long history we have been together for a year, but before that we were best friends for three years, and about a year of that I was crazy about him and then the next he was crazy about me, then we finally got together. However, for about the past 4 months his sex drive has completely gone down hill. I would at least like to have sex once a day it is now about once a week. He is 25 recently got a new job that has him working late hours and we aren't seeing one another very often. We are both stressed and, I do bring it up often because I feel as though my needs are not being met. Is there something I can do to increase his libido, is this normal for our sex life to decrease this way? Is it me, I have tried everything I can even relentlessly working out to make sure I appeal to him.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #2

    Jan 26, 2011, 06:05 PM

    He has a new job that has him stressed and working hours he isn't used to and you are putting pressure on him to have sex more than once a week?

    The more you pressure him to meet your needs when he is tired and stressed the less sex you will have. Increase his libido by slowing yours down, at least where intercourse is concerned. See if that helps take some stress of him and has a positive affect.
    HurtGirl8's Avatar
    HurtGirl8 Posts: 8, Reputation: 3
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    #3

    Jan 27, 2011, 08:21 AM
    I know what your going through girl it has happened to me I'll give you some really great tips you can try and if they don't work well he's a fool and maybe you should move on because sex no matter what people say is important and if you feel your needs aren't being met you may be tempted to cheat.Anyways :
    -Prepare a really nice dinner, candles, dessert the whole thing maybe try to include some natural aphrodisiacs like almond,avacado,chocolate, carrots,vanilla etc the list is huge. Then turn the TV off! Or rent a movie with a sex scene to vamp it up, walk by him and maybe rub his leg or brush up against his gear. Then wear something to reveal some cleavage or tight jeans or a dress, just spice up your look, buy a sexy teddi or put on your favorite sexy underwear, you eed to let his mid subconciously go to that dirty place. Suggest a bath maybe and if he's not into that offer a body rub, kiss o the ear is really a turn o or a kiss on the neck while massaging.Then if you want maybe just strip him off and do a bit of foreplay on him... Make him wait until he's red hot the let him have some.Giving to him will make him more inclined to give to you.:) Hope this advice helped :)
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #4

    Jan 27, 2011, 08:40 AM

    Hurt girl, that is a nice fantasy. It would probably work as well but it doesn't address the fundamental problem here. It could also backfire as well. Let me explain.

    The problem she is having is that her boyfriend is stressed and exhausted. Both of these are great libido killers. He has so much on his mind that it is hard for him to concentrate on the OP. He is thinking on a problem from work. He is stressing about money. He is tired and just wants to sleep. It is difficult to feel sexy and go after your woman when you have all this on a exhausted brain.

    With that being said, if she went through all this elaborate effort and half way through he begs off to go to sleep, Is too addled to appreciate the effort, can't concentrate on what is happening, or misses the cues completely then She is going to be very hurt. More so then now. She will jump to the conclusion that he's not interested when the opposite is true and she just ambushed him at the wrong time.

    As well the implication that is she is sexually frustrated she will be tempted to cheat is just insulting. Do you have so little faith in your own sex?

    Regardless what needs to happen is the OP needs to calm down a bit and find ways to de stress herself and her boyfriend. On top of that you both probably need to rework your schedules so that you have more time together. Play around with the intimacy but leave the sex off the menu. It would be refreshing to just hold/snuggle/cuddle one another. It does have some de-stressing effects.

    When you have two schedules that don't mesh well with stress and exhaustion, then once or twice a week is about par. It can be more but you have to de stress both you and him for that. Take it in stride and work on it.

    As well, don't be afraid to take matters in your own hands. If you know what I mean. A good, small, and subtle vibrator could be perfect to take the edge off the cravings.

    Good luck.
    HurtGirl8's Avatar
    HurtGirl8 Posts: 8, Reputation: 3
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    #5

    Jan 27, 2011, 10:41 AM
    To be honest Craven I wasn't looking to be picked apart I was just suggesting something's she could try in the case she just didn't know how to turn it on. I understand money and work etc can be stressful but if you can put his mind at ease by doing the suggested things bath, massage etc then maybe he'd more inclined accept the pleasure and return some as well. As for my own love life yes actually I have been with a man for a year and a half we went on vacation shared meals he went to school 5 days a week from 8 in the morning until 9 at night(school team)so I did struggle with the similar question how to turn him on after being so tired ad stressed but there is no doubt that scheduling time together is A HUGE part of the equation preferably do it on a day neither works or has to work after or when the shift is flexible but the efforts and mood enchancers no doubt would help.A vibrator... I don't know if you're a man or not but it does not suffice compared to the intimacy between a man and women which is the focal point of this conversation is it not?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #6

    Jan 27, 2011, 11:58 AM

    'Mood enhancers' can help if you know and have addressed the underlying problem. The only way to know all the factors is to communicate. Communicate means listening as well as talking. Being open to hearing what the other person is thinking and feeling.

    In a long-term relationship, partners need to be aware of each other's needs and work on ways to compromise so that both individuals can get them met. Sex once a week is a pretty good average when new job, new schedule, and stress are introduced.

    Understand that pressure to have sex is a libido limiter. If you rarely see each other and every time you see him you are going on about not getting your needs met, then you are ignoring his needs and putting pressure on him to 'preform' for your pleasure. For many people that makes them start to feel like they are being used as a substitute for a vibrator.

    A vibrator or hand isn't the same as a partner. However, there are times when they have to suffice while other parts of life sort themselves out. It doesn't mean you should be ignored. Only that you shouldn't ignore him.

    Remember that intimacy covers more than the act of intercourse. Holding each other while watching a movie can be extremely rewarding if you allow it to be.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #7

    Jan 27, 2011, 12:36 PM

    As the person in my relationship with the lower libido--due to stress from work, stress from school, and medical problems--I can tell you right now that no massage, "mood enhancer", nice dinner, bath, whatever, is going to make me want to "meet his needs" when I'm exhausted and feeling pressured.

    As a matter of fact, the more I'm pushed about sex--REGARDLESS his needs--the more I shut down.

    So no--unless the underlying problem is gone, then any of that other stuff is just yet ANOTHER push to "pay it back" with sex.

    TALKING works to get through some of this. So does trusting that your partner really DOES have too much on their plate to be in the mood.

    Sometimes you have to take what you can get for intimacy, even if it's not what you WANT. Let me tell you that after a 10 hour day at work, going to class, coming home and doing homework, and helping with my share of the housework--there's nothing left. I sometimes fall asleep standing up in the shower at the end of the day. Then I get 4-6 hours of sleep, and get up and do it again. WHEN am I supposed to be in the mood to give, exactly? I don't watch TV, but I do take one night a week and shut my brain down and read a book. I don't have to worry about whether the book is enjoying it or not, and I don't have to spend a lot of effort making the book feel sexy, either.

    So... TALK to your partner. TELL him how YOU feel. Don't tell him what he is or isn't doing. Tell him what you FEEL. ASK for specific things you want---like 2 hours Saturday night with no TV and you must be touching. Do NOT ask for sex. Ask for intimacy.

    If you do it right, and communicate WITH each other---your sex life might come back online.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #8

    Jan 27, 2011, 01:53 PM

    Gadget2,

    It's not you... You're not doing anything wrong. You just said it yourself, he just got a new job.

    He may be stressed out... Stress affects the libido big time.

    In a perfect world, sex once a day WOULD be great! However, most couples don't get the privilege to have sex once a day, and some, not even once a week due to work, school, kids, every day life.

    I would communicate to him your feelings. I wouldn't push the issue with sex though. He might start to think of it as a chore... and you DON'T want that.

    I can relate to you though. In all honesty. I used to (key word, USED) to be very demanding when it came to sex. I wanted it when I wanted it and it wasn't fair to my partner. I wasn't thinking about his needs. I wasn't thinking about, "hey, this guy just worked all day" nope. Let me tell you, it only made matter worse for ME. Nobody and I mean nobody likes to feel pressure... about anything, but also about sex.

    If you are having sex once a week like you say you are, well then, you're in pretty good shape...

    The others made some really valid points. I agree.

    To Hurtgirl, no one is "picking" you apart. Craven was just trying to point out that there is more to the OP's situation then just "how do I turn him on". I'm sure that the OP's partner desires her very much. It's more about stress and being tired that seems to be affecting the lets-get-it-on scene. You did give some greatadvice on how to turn him on though, and if "I" were a man, that would work for me...

    Gadget2, communication is the key. Synnen is correct, don't tell him what he is/or isn't doing. Just communicate how you feel.

    Good Luck.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #9

    Jan 27, 2011, 02:53 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by HurtGirl8 View Post
    A vibrator....I don't know if your a man or not but it does not suffice compared to the intimacy between a man and women which is the focal point of this conversation is it not?
    I ain't picking you apart. I am trying to point out that you're putting the cart in front of the horse. There are relationship issues that require fixing before these mood enhancers can work. A band-aid on a broken leg.

    The focal point as near as I can tell, is libido issues. As well as the resulting relational issues resulting form it. It is once these are solved that they can work on the intimacy.

    It requires hard work, time, and commitment. Most of all it requires communication. This is true in this situation and yours.
    Notnaughtynat's Avatar
    Notnaughtynat Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Sep 8, 2011, 05:00 PM
    Wow, I know how you feel. But at least you get it once a week. I don't get it but once a month. The difference between us is that my boyfriend is not stressed or tired. We communicate all the time, its just we don't have sex anymore. I don't know what to do. He has the habit of telling me we are going to do it, but we don't. Now we have a running joke that when we do do it, we are filling our monthly quota! Good luck to you.

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