Hi people,
I need some help because I'm hurting inside and I am not sure what to do.

And I need someone really good to give me advice, because I've already analyzed my situation thoroughly and I just can't find a solution to my problem.

Specifically, I'm looking for women who may have experienced what my GF is experiencing.

I'm a 29 year old man, and GF is 26. We've been together 2.5 years, both find each other physically attractive, and are in an emotionally fulfilling relationship. We speak to each other everyday, share similar values in life, and are open and honest to each other. We are happy in our relationship. BUT she JUST DOES NOT WANT to have sex with me any more. She will oblige me every time I ask for it, because she knows it makes me happy, but she doesn't really want to do it.

Sex was great in the beginning, and she would initiate it at times. Overtime though, I noticed she started having orgasm less, and then it become harder and harder for her to have orgasm. In the first few months, we have intercourse and she orgasms. Then I needed to go down on her. Then I need to go down on her for a long time. Then finally, she can only orgasm with vibrator on the strongest setting on her ****. Nothing I could do can make her ***. This happened over the course of two years.

I ask her is there anything specific that she wants me to do or try during sex, and she has absolutely no requests. She says whatever I'm doing is fine.

We go out on dates, dinners, hikes, etc. I try to keep our lives fun and interesting.

I asked her if sex with me is not good, and she tells me no other ex-BF were able to give her orgasm, and at least in the beginning I was able to give that to her.

We don't argue much, except for this issue. I complain about how she does not want to have sex with me, and we have rational discussion in a calm manner, but sometimes that strains our relationship a bit. She even admits over time she finds that she wants to have sex with me less and less. But she can't seem to figure out why.

She use to be anxious, so she started taking Zoloft and now she's more confident and outgoing than before. I don't think she's depressed and therefore not wanting to have sex with me. Note, the decline in her lust for me started BEFORE she started the Zoloft, so the loss of libido is not caused by it.

She's been on the same birth control pill as before, when she used to be horny for me, so it's not the pills.


She's thinks she's above average attractive, and I compliment her all the time to make her feel sexy and confident about herself, which I hear is suppose to boost a woman's sex drive. I don't think she has too much body image issues.

I'm not out of shape, and I look pretty much the same as before. I haven't picked any new bad habits to turn her off.

Her work is going well and not stressing her out, so I don't think that's the cause.

I ask her to have sex mostly on the weekend, when we have ample time and are well rested.

I've met her parents, and she's met mine, we've talked about marriage several times, how many kids we want to have, and been shopping for engagement ring. So we are in a serious steady relationship.

But I'm not sure if I can live the rest of my life knowing that my potential wife does not really want to have sex with me, but will only oblige me and be not really into the sex.

BUT THE WORST THING is that recently she has a new coworker that she finds very attractive, and she has thoughts of wondering what sex could be like with him, sometimes several times a day. Before I thought she was just somehow grew to have less appetite for sex, but now with this new revelation I KNOW she is capable of lust. It really hurts me that she only lusts after someone else, but just NOT with me. She even feels bad for feeling that way, but she just can't lust after me.

I'm very confident she is NOT cheating on me. She loves me and she says I'm handsome and tall and still attractive. She says she does not want a new boyfriend or try to actually have sex with someone else. She has never cheated on me.

When I told her that "I'm not sure if I can live the rest of my life with you knowing that you don't have desire to have sex with me," she becomes very upset and says "you're not trying to break up with me are you?" and starts tearing up and says things like, “I don't want to lose you.” She genuinely wants to be with me.

But I just DON'T UNDERSTAND with everything else going so well, just why on earth does she not want to have sex with me? She says she's physically attracted to me, but she just doesn't want to have sex with me. That makes no sense. And I know she has sexual desires because she wants to have sex with her coworker.

When I ask her why isn't she interested in having sex with me more, she says she doesn't know for sure why that is, but has only think up a few possible, but not definite reasons.
1. She mentioned that maybe it's because I'm not new and exciting anymore.
2. Another reason she gave is because I want her to have orgasms very much, it puts pressure on her to orgasm, and therefore harder for her to actually achieve it. But I only want her to have orgasm so that she'd enjoy having sex with me, and I want it to be good for her too. I don't want sex just be a chore that she's doing for me.
3. She mentions she feels anxious when I look at her when we're having sex. And I will try to have sex with lights off from now on, but I'd really like to look at her because she's so hot, but she says it still makes her anxious.
4. She does mention what turns her on is having attractive men thinking that she's attractive. That works except when I do it, because she knows that I already thinks she's attractive.

My proposed solutions:

1. Take her out on more dates, outings, fun things, and break up routines in the day to day life.
2. Give her less pressure to orgasm
3. Turn off lights when we have sex

4. An idea I had was I encouraged her to watch porn. I thought maybe she just needed some fantasy to fulfill every human's inherent desire to be promiscuous. She said before meeting that coworker, she rarely if ever think about having sex with anyone but me. Maybe she grew bored of having sex with me because she only ever thought of having sex with me. I thought maybe if she watches some porn, she can at least in her mind simulate having sex with someone else, and at least that will stimulate her libido. I told her it would be okay with me if she thought about having sex with other men as long as it never happens in real life, and that she doesn't think about sex with men who are actually in her life (i.e. the coworker).

She knows that I watch porn every week, and she is okay with that. When I have sex with her though, I only think of her and I am totally into her. And I've never cheated on her.

The PROBLEM IS, I've already tried solutions 1, 2, and 3, and they haven't really worked that well. That's why I came up with idea 4. But at the end of the day, I still don't understand. Why doesn't my girlfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

Wow. That is a brain scratcher isn't it.

From what I can tell, you're putting too much emphasis on this which is putting pressure on her and killing her libido. It is hard to fathom, but you're like a puppy begging for attention. It is clearly on your mind a lot. You're projecting it more than you think. The consquence of this is that your GF thinks that is all you think about and all you care about.

It is hard to also rule out sexual dysfunction now too. A doctor's visit is in order. As well, while the effects take years to show up, hormonal birth control does tend to kill libido. It is birth control by attrition of desire. I am not saying abandoning the hormonal birth control but maybe look for an alternative.

Also, it sounds like you've discarded all intimacy for the act of sex. IE it is all about the goal, orgasm, and not about the journey. Take sex off the menu for a while. Pay attention to her and her body. Just cuddle and be intimate. No pressure on her and no pressure on you. Just enjoy the moment.

Lay off the complements and the other ways to increase her libido. The problem with those lists and guide lines is that they're very general. Not all of them will work with everyone. Take complements for example. What would mean more to you? A respect and thorny professor telling you that you did good, or the thousandth time that perky girl in the office told you you're awesome? You're telling her this so much that it is background noise to her. You could say that she's "back biscuits" instead of attractive and she wouldn't heard the difference.

As well there isn't a quick fix or easy solution. You need to rebuild your intimate life. You need to take the emphasis off sex and put it back on the close connection between you. In the act of sex the actual penetration and orgasm are a relatively small part of the entire situation. Call it mile 26 of the marathon. Don't skip ahead.

If this doesn't work, you could try couples/sexual counselling.

Good luck.

I have to agree with craven, it seems like pressure is the key here. How about letting it happen sporatically. Don't even think about it. Just get a nice romantic night set up. But no thoughts on sex.

some women LOVE the pressure, and the planning. But others don't do well with it and prefer sporatic and random.

Hi Craven and Jennie,

Thanks for your thoughtful comments. One thing that you two mentioned that I haven't realized is that I'm putting more emphasis on the sex than the intimacy, and that may be contributing to my GF having less libido. I'm not to speak for all men, but I do believe for many men the physical aspect are at least as important if not more important than the emotional aspect of relationship (this is not saying the emotional aspect is not important). I once heard someone say "men love to have sex, and women have sex to have love."
I'll try to emphasize the intimacy aspect of things more. More hugs and kisses and less hurry in getting to the sex part. Letting the interaction lead to sex, as opposed to starting with sex as the goal.
I just talked to my GF and she mentioned that when I complement how she looks, she thinks that I'm looking at her like a sexual object, "like the sock a guy uses to jerk off." Yikes, I didn't know that's what she thinks when I complement on her physical attributes. I think that comment also reflects that she thinks sometimes sex is for my gratification only.
Anyhow, I'll try to plan more dates and activities for her to break out of weekly routines, and I'll approach sex more indirectly and focus instead on intimacy, and try to have sex in ways that make her feel more comfortable (less pressure on her orgasm, turning lights down so she feels comfortable). I hope that this will turn her desire for me around. I'll keep you updated.

You and your girlfriend may beneifit from a book called the 5 love languages (it is written by a christian author but it applies to even non christians)

It has quiz for both of you. To find out how you personally express love, and then an explination. For example my ex husband was very physical and touchy feely kind of love. He showed love by touch and sex. I however showed love by acts of service and kind words. Saying I loved him. DOING something for him to show it. etc.
Everyone is different. This helps you find that difference out.

Hi people,
I'm feeling like crap again. So remember how this post was about me complaining about my girlfriend didn't want to have sex with me? Well, that wouldn't have been so bad if she never mentioned there was another guy at work she thinks is very attractive (not just attractive) and she's had thoughts of what it's like to have sex with him. So she swears up and down that she won't do anything with him, or want a new relationship. And I do believe that's the truth.
So her work place is organizing a ski trip, and she, the attractive guy, and 3 other people went on a ski trip and are staying in one room over 3 days and two nights. It is likely that the attractive guy may just hang out with my GF all the time. I have no idea if he's attracted to my GF, but he is single.
When I heard about the trip, I told my GF that I didn't like the idea, I am not comfortable with it. She thinks I'm unreasonably worried since she is not planning to do anything with the attractive guy. I thought she may be bitter if I told her not to go, so I said go ahead go to the trip.
So now she's at the ski lodge, without me, and I called her on cell and I just wanted to talk to her. I felt insecure so I just asked to have her reassure me repeatedly on the phone, and that's all I ask for. But 20min into conversation she sounds irritated, and said what else do you want me to say? I told you I want to be in a relationship with you, and I'm not going to cheat on you, and I'm going to sleep with another girl, not the attractive guy. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, and I can't help it if you feel bad I'm here. So I asked her, don't you think it's selfish of you to go on a fun trip anyway knowing that I'm going to feel bad about it? She said I don't want somebody to tell me what I can or cannot do. So if I'm a little selfish going to the trip I'm sorry. When I get back and this is all over you'll feel much better.

Questions for you:
1. Was it reasonable for my GF to go to the ski trip anyway, when she knew it was going to make me feel bad? She told me she doesn't want to have sex with me, and she thinks the other guy is VERY attractive and had thoughts about having sex with him. Is that really a reasonable request? I mean seriously I'm suppose to feel comfortable with that?

2. Or am I just too insecure unreasonably? But seriously, which one of you in a serious relationship can stand this situation, and someone you truly love and feels attached to tells you she's not really interested in having sex with you and then goes off on 3 day trip with a guy (although others are present too) who she thinks about having sex with?

3. Would it be unreasonable to ask my GF to not to go to the ski trip in the first place?

4. I really want to tell me GF just go F#@$ yourself and your attractive coworker. If you gave a rats *** about how I felt, maybe you should have stayed and not gone with your group of friends, attractive guy you think about having sex included.

People, I really need to hear some opinions. Thanks

Also, another detail I left out. One day when we were talking about how my GF thinks her coworker is attractive, she asks me something like, "If I let you have sex with another girl, can I have sex with my coworker?" WHAT? NO! She never mentions it, but when I ask her how often she thinks about having sex with her coworker, she says, "anywhere from a few times a week to several times a day."

Just to be fair in my presentation of the picture, I've in my past mentioned several times if she'd ever consider a threesome, with us and another girl. Although it is not a specific girl, and this is a generalized fantasy that I've had. Obviously she said no, and I don't push it. BUT IT REALLY BOTHERS me that she keeps on talking about THIS SPECIFIC COWORKER WHO'S SINGLE AND READILY ACCESSIBLE.

She keeps saying she don't intend to do anything with her coworker and she wants to be with me. But still, that doesn't sufficiently reassure me. Am I being unreasonable?

Is there a possibility the relationship has degraded to a point that every time you get together sex is expected... and the primary aspect you are after?

Don't say that can't happen because it does... all to often... and it's a progression... doesn't happen overnight. Eventually she feels like a sperm receptacle and not a partner or girlfriend.

She may see you and the relationship about her being all about sex and little else. And at that point anything is going to appear to be appealing in contrast.

And before you say... no, no, no, that can't possibly happen. I've been in my teens, and twenties, I've also been in my 30's and finishing up my 40's now so I've seen it and been there before.

How do you expect her to react when you 'repeatedly' beg for reassurance in less than 20 minutes? I tend to be somewhat easy going and understanding and I would be irritated too if I kept having to repeat myself. What more could she have said other than, 'I am sorry I came on this trip. I'll come right back home and we can have mad passionate sex that will make me forget all about co-worker?' Be honest with yourself. If she hadn't gotten irritated, you would have continued to beg, wouldn't you?

Something for you to think about, often we have fantasies about people we know we can't have because it is safe. We know nothing is going to happen.

When she gets back, you need to sit down together and determine if this relationship is still working for both of you. Don't try to determine who is to blame. Don't argue just talk and listen. IF you both want to work on the relationship, then perhaps couple's counseling might be an option.

If you are honest with each other and yourselves, you may have to face the idea that this relationship is over.

Oy. Take a moment and listen to what your subconscious is telling you. Seriously.

First off, you don't trust her AT ALL. Please note that without trust you can't have love. She is going on this ski trip and she said that while she is attracted to this guy she isn't going to sleep with him. What more do you need? Calling her and emotionally guiltting her isn't going to endear yourself to her. All you're going to do is narc her high. Honestly, she is going for a weekend of fun and relaxation and her insecure Boy Friend is constantly calling her? How can she have a good time with that hanging over her.

The obvious thing here is explained by a metaphor. She is sand in your hands and the tighter you grip it the quicker it falls through your fingers. By exerting the control and the emotional black mail you are pushing her away. Honestly, the more you try to keep her from straying and the more you try to rehash things the worse it is going to get.

I think Cat1984 and Smoothy have a point. You two need to sit down and figure out where you are going to go from here. Because the way you two are going is not healthy for either of you. It might be time to call it quits for the sake of both your sanity.

I am sorry but that is my opinion.

Well, we only see each other on the weekends. We have sex twice, at most 3 times on the weekend. Is that too much to ask for? And I do want a fulfilling relationship that includes more than sex, though it is an integral part of a strong relationshi

Hi Craven, cat, and smoothy,

I do appreciate your input.

One question that none of you answered is: would any of you feel secure, if your significant other lost sexual attraction for you, and tells you he thinks several times a day of having sex about a specific coworker?

My GF even have asked me in the past, "if I let you sleep with another girl, can I sleep with my coworker?" NO, OF COURSE NOT. I DON'T WANT TO JUST SCREW ANY GIRL. I WANT TO BE WITH YOU. Then she tells me she loves me, she wants to be with me, she's still physically attracted to me, but just wants to have sex with me only a little bit, and she'll never cheat on me. Seriously, I'm supposed to feel secure with that?

I understand that people have fantasies about others, and they'll never act on it. However, I can only feel comfortable with that, only so long as my GF has at least the same amount of attraction to me.

In any case, that night, I only felt somewhat insecure in the beginning, but it was only after my GF got irritated that I felt a lot worse. It was her irritation that made me feel a whole lot worse, as if she didn't care how I felt.

The next morning, we talked, and I explained that I felt hurt very much. Once she realized how much pain I was in, she became more concerned. We talked about our view points. She texted me every 2 hours to make me feel better, at my request. I KNOW what you are all thinking, what an insecure BF. I felt silly after a few texts so I told her, maybe just text me when u leave for the slopes, lunch, and when the resort closes. She did. That did make me feel better.

We talked about the good times we had, the things we share, and that we both still value this relationship and want to work it out because it is worth fighting for, and that relationship sometimes needs effort to keep it together. And we both want to get beyond this so we can create better memories for the future, instead of dwelling on our issues.

After we had that talk last night, I felt much more secure today. Throughout the whole day today I didn't feel like I had to call her or be concerned about her doing anything with her coworker.

Tomorrow she'll be returning from the ski trip, and we agreed that we'll talk over our issues and concerns then. We also both agreed that New Years Eve though we won't be talking about issues, but instead we'll just focus on having a good time and creating new memories. We're going to a restaurant that she's always wanted to go to because one of the Kardashian got engaged there. That's one of her favorite shows that sometimes I'll watch with her just so I'm spending time with her.

I know what you're saying Craven. Once someone said to me, if you truly love someone, set her free, and if she comes back, then she is yours.

I'll pay attention to things I can improve on and make the relationship work. But if that fails to change the way my GF feels about me, then I'll accept that her feeling for me has changed, and no longer loves me, and the best course is to break up.

I do love her, and I want to be with her, and I'll try to change things so our relationship is more fresh, exciting, and better for her. But if the changes I try does not improve things, then I'll also have the courage to accept that the relationship has come to an end, and she has moved on to like someone else.

You see each other only on weekends... thats twice a week. I assume you aren't shacking up in a hotel room that entire time so you have sex two or three times in those few hours you are together... Hmmmmmm

I think my earlier observation is spot on... the percentage of time you are having sex is grossly out of porportion to the time you are actually together.

Your comment of " two or three times isn't too much to ask" when you only see each other two days a week as it is speaks volumes.

Your focus should be having her company as in doing things together, you would not think twice about doing if your parents were with you both... not having sex with her if you were truly in love. Its not just you... MOST young people are not able to see the difference, that comes with experience and that takes time to acquire.

That's telling me she sees sex as the #1 thing you are after... and everything else is secondary and geared towards achieving goal #1, having sex.

Listen, I'm a guy... and I can see that. I can see that because I have made that mistake myself... and eventually it adversly affected the relationship.

Second... if you are that paranoid you need constant reassurance then you really don't have much of a relationship. If you did you wouldn't worry about anything because you would KNOW... and not worry about it.

Its clear based on what you have said that you are pretty young. I'm 49, I've seen it all having been there and in retrospect. You aren't doing anything most of us haven't done before... and learned a hard life lesson over.

I'm also going to say you are confusing love with lust... you don't know the differences yet... but I can see the signs just in what you have told us.

Your primary focus is getting laid... you don't trust her, or have a core belief of how she feels.

You get upset if you DON'T get sex every day you are together... you spend a high percentage of your time having sex or trying to have sex.

If you really were in a real love... the sex would be secondary to the rest. Sort of icing on the cake you have for dessert rather than being the center piece of the meal.

You may not see this right now... but I can guarantee you in a few years you are going to look back and say... damn... Smoothy was right.

Okay smoothy,
With all due respect, I think you have made some incorrect assumptions about my relationship with my GF. We used to live together 1.5 years and only moved to different parts of city for work purpose. Neither of us wanted a very long commute and we found jobs too far apart. But when we lived together, we almost never had sex more than 3 times a week anyway. That's 3 out of 7 days, which I do not consider excessive.
Now we live apart we can only see each other on weekends, and we alternate going to each others' apartment. We don't meet up in some seedy hotel just to have sex. We still talk on the phone everyday, and we can only see each other on weekends.
Anyhow, my GF and I read all these posts together, and we're good. And even though she still just has marginal interest in sex with me, I don't care if she hangs out with her attractive coworker, as long as it's not overnight. Look, I trust her. But there's a limit to how comfortable I can feel, and I recognize my limitations.
And you still haven't answered my question yet. How would you feel if your wife/GF said to you I really don't have too much interest in having sex with you, but I think about having sex with someone else? I just can't see how anyone can feel completely comfortable and confident after that.
Anyway, my GF and I are going to stop talking about this, and just get back to the way we are before. We're going to go out and have fun tomorrow and have dinner by the beach. And Saturday I'm going snowboarding with her coworkers, and I'll be feeling just fine when my GF hangs out with her attractive coworker by herself. Nothing will happen between them anyway.

Thanks for all your support though. It did help a bit during the darkest hours of that first night when I thought my GF just didn't give a damn.

I actually have a similar situation and would love to know what happened to you two... did you fix the problem, did you break up? Did she cheat on you? My situation is that my girlfriend did cheat on me and we had a lot of talking and I decided to give her a chance but then she went back to her country and she is cool with the guy she cheated on me with... she says he is a mutual friend between her and her friends and that she can't cut herself or him out of her friends' lives... now she is in her country thousands of miles away, going partying with that guy and her group (same people who asked her to forget about me and "have fun") so she too does not respect the way I feel about that person>>>her friend and for you the coworker. So can you help me here... did you fix it? Did you not because if you did then I can fight for her

If you'd like to ask a question about your own situation, please start another thread.

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