I became a single parent, through divorce, when my oldest was 16 and my youngest was 6. There are 5 adult children involved. I admit to doing things in my young/stupid years that were hurtful to everyone, including me. I was a mother at 16 and simply not equipt to be one. Also, my husband, at the time, was a mentally and emotionally abusive person. After being accused of being unfaithful - wrongfully - for years, I finally ( in my young stupidity) decided.. " If I'm going to be accused and punished for something I'm not doing...I'm going to do it." I know - dumb!
Since then, I have tried to be a better person. I divorced the abuser and forgave him. I have apologized over and over to my children. I have been in therapy and forgiven myself. I have tried, through my own actions, to show them the change in me and allow them to get to know me, instead of holding onto the picture of the past.
However, there are 3 of my children who refuse to move out of the 70's. They hate me and abuse me, emotionally on a regular basis and verbally.. whenever they feel like it. They refuse to see that their ideas of who and what I am.. aren't true. They prefer to cling to their own.. ideas.. believe their own lies about me. They've even started accusing me of things I never did or never have done.. from 3 decades ago.. up to and including the present. It's gotten so bad, I'm thinking of isolating myself from them. I already stay away as much as I can. No amount of trying to have conversations works. I'm accused of being manipulative and lying... when- in all honesty - I am not doing either. Yet, every time they call and ask me to do something for them, I do it. I have come to realize I do it out of fear of what may come my way if I don't. Still... how dumb is that? When they still abuse me anyway? I'm at my rope's end.
Being honest doesn't work with them. Trying to appease them doesn't work. Trying to stay out of their way doesn't work. What can I do?

I know it's a painful situation, but don't ever allow anyone to verbally abuse you. You have let their behavior slide long enough.

Just remember that your children lived it, so they may have learned some of their behavior from your ex. They watched your husband treat you poorly and think it's normal behavior.

Didn't your therapy teach you that verbal abuse is never acceptable? Don't allow the kids to treat you like this. You need to tell them that their behavior is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it.

If they refuse to stop, you need to walk away or ask them to leave. You deserve dignity and respect and if they can't treat you that way, then you need to stop your relationship with them.

Verbal abuse, I get it. But what is this 'fear of what may come my way if I don't?' That is a huge leap, implying something - what, physical harm? Defamation in the town square?
If you are truly steering clear of them, why are you doing things for them?
I'm sorry but I'm not getting the picture here. There's a sense of passive aggressive. No one is holding a gun to your head to force you to do or give anything to anyone.
If this revolves around grandchildren held hostage, you deprived you of seeing them unless you do and give, please say so. That's an issue unto itself.

Witholding my grandchildren has always been an issue. With my 2nd and youngest daughter, that involves 5 grandchildren I am not allowed to see. Still, I never forget their birthdays or Christmas. Not for the grandkids.. or my children. Not that they acknowledge me at those times. But, I don't give gifts to get gifts... I give because I want to. I want to a lot less these days.
Some of my grandchildren are old enough to contact me, if they wanted to, but they don't. That leads me to surmise they are being told things that make them not want to. I haven't seen my 4 grandchildren in Florida in 3 years. The last time I did, was when I went down to help when the youngest there was born. In all honesty, I tried my best to be as helpful as I could. But, being disabled myself, my energy levels weren't enough to keep up with keeping house and cooking and taking care of 6 people. The moment I stepped off the plane, I became the only person to do any of that. I came to help... I am not physically capable of completely taking over. They know that. I asked for help and was told to "stop being dramatic". I overheard my daughter telling her friend she "wished I would leave". When she found me crying over it.. because it hurt my feelings.. she screamed at me for an hour. I stayed in my room until the end of the visit.. to avoid more drama. I haven't been back since.
A visit this past summer, by my second daughter and my oldest son - to my youngest, in Florida... was later described to me as " The sole reason for getting together was to discuss how they agree what an awful person I am." This told to me by the second daughter. Why? Just to hurt me.
"Fear of what may come my way"... pertains to, even if I distance myself from them, they call, they make sure I get messages, they spread lies that get back to me. "Defamation in the town square"? Come to think of it... that's what I feel like, they feel like they're doing. I must admit, it's a funny picture in this day and age. Thank you for the laugh.
After that - I have tried to keep a distance. Why did I help them, when they act as they do? I kept thinking they'd grow up. I think I have to admit... they have grown older... but never will grow up. It's so hard to cut one's own blood out of one's life. It hurts.
Maybe it is passive/agressive behavior. I'll discuss that with my therapist Monday. We have already discussed the fact that their learned behavior from their father plays a large part in this.
On a good note... I do get to see my youngest son's 2 children. He's not like them. Thank heavens. We have a good relationship and he does not condone his siblings behavior. How nice to know I raised one kind child who can see what's plainly in front of him. But then, he has always "marched to his own drummer".
My brain says I have to cut ties. My heart breaks.

I would write them each a note explaining how saddened you are that they have not been able to forgive you for mistakes you made in the past.

Let them know that you feel that you have grown and changed over time, and have tried to make amends as best that you can. Tell them that you love them dearly, want to have a healthy relationship with them, and that you are willing at any time to sit down and discuss things calmly with them, but that you can simply no longer deal with the emotional toll their comments, harshness, and lack of appreciation takes on your heart and soul.

For your own emotional and physical well being (because the stress and anxiety will take its toll physically), you will no longer stay on the phone with them or be able to spend time with them if it continues. Let them know that you hope, in time, they will understand why this needs to be this way and that your hope for the future is a calm, loving, and respectful relationship. It has to come from both directions or it won't be possible.

Continue to send gifts and cards, since that pleases you, but refuse to let yourself be drawn into confrontations, discord, or unhealthy "discussions".

This is just my opinion, and I know it will definitely be e hard but honestly I would just cut ties and move on from them until they decide to stop and come back to you

I have found myself in the same type of situation with my 30 year old daughter. She used to be so close to me. I was a single parent and it was a happy life even though her father was completely absent from her life and we never got child support. We had very little materialistically, but she was showered with love and attention. She has become a different person since my parents died. She manipulated thousands of dollars away from what my parents left me. I am now unable to put the roof on my house because she refused to pay me back. When she had her baby I babysat for free, and even drove all the way to their house to make it easier for them. I love my grandson and we had a strong bond. She and her husband, who happens to be a cop, just got worse and worse with the verble abuse. They finally took my grandson away from me and I was just destroyed. I think the common thread that seems to be happening here is that we have done too much for these spoiled children. My daughter has resorted to name calling and both she and her husband will outright lie if that's what it takes to tear me down. I did feel like killing myself for a while. I'm getting stronger now. We just have to hang in there and stay away from them. It is like poison going into your body when you allow them to abuse you that way. It takes a while to rebuild your self- esteem. We may never have the answer as to what changed them and why they began acting the way they did. I know I didn't raise her to be so cruel. I did not abuse her verbally, physically,emotionally or in any other way. I loved her too much. I would have given her anything I had, and maybe she just got a sense of entitlement.I will miss my grandson and I know he misses me. That is so sad. My daughter and her arrogant husband should know better. They are just cruel, and I'm not their door-mat anymore. Just stay away. You have to, there is nothing else you can do. They need to respect you. I know I've earned that much.

I don't have all the answers but Im a victim of pareental abuse by my 3 grown kids and 2 of their spouses.My situation is like many of you in here.Im so lost on what to do as I fall victim to emotional and verbal abuse.First my youngest 25 came to visit me a few yrs ago, then suddenly out of the blue I invite him back he tells me he hates me, for NO reason, then after text convos he mentions an email I wrote well I asked for a copy, got no copy.I asked what email address as I had 2 hacked by my ex boyfriend.Still no answer and he wrote me off... and tells people Im dead.So then the continual abuse by my 26 yr old daughter for well over 10 yrs and 5 yrs from her husband, and the constant using her kids against me and her being 100% cruel out of the blue again.I emailed her to the point I'm ending her 10 yr reign of abuse.I was told by my dr leave door open I can't I just cant, emotionally its killing me and physically its killing me, she is also the one who told me to kill myself everyone will be happy.Now I never get answers but saved emails of her admitting all 3 of them treat me badly for no reason.( smart thing to hold onto I think) My oldest son 29 has very deep issues with his past,and seems I'm to blame.I was a sexually,mentally and physically abused women for 5 of the 15 yrs married, it took its toll on me the arguing fighting all the time he was an alcoholic, and finally after him going to jail for fraud and nearly running over my oldest when driving drunk I kicked him out, I raised my 3 kids on my own since they were born he NEVER ever did anything with them, no sports nothing he came home drank watched TV.I did the nurturing and all the work now he reeks the benefits I lose he wins.I never abused my kids yes they got a scolding and spent time in the corner like 99% kids and id ask them what they did wrong and they have to tell me they won't do it again.I taught them responsibility etc.. after divorce everything fell apart mom had to get 2 jobs those teenagers were hungry I worked nights days evenings to keep afloat and sometimes they didn't see me for 2 days id leave them notes but I know they hated me having a social life, I never had friends being married I wanted to be with friends.I couldn't sit at home all the time.I tried mediation to help find answers he laughed at me called it a joke he said talk to me as he stood yelling at me and insulting me with his wife of 1 yr she 100% involved herself in things not her business.Then she admitted not him its his past he can't move on I said what happen tell me he didn't answer, what did I do EVERYTHING, its always me always me. He says I talk about people well so does he and the email I sent my daughter she posted on the internet so others can see it... it wasn't bad I just said after the 10yrs of abuse its time to end it and then noted some disturbing things about way she raises her son who is 5, trust me its very very disturbing.I told her to seek help.But you se they can belt it out but can't take I'm suppose to sit here shut up and be their dumping ground, but I'm not going to.They are 100% cruel name call and this is from my sons wife he never told her to stop calling me names but he got after me telling me she is my wife when I told her to shut up.Then she calls her mom who I called 2 yrs ago past to ask her to talk to her daughter I had texts of her telling me to f- off etc.. no respect and she brought her mom into it, for no reason but to achieve what that her mom couldn't recall the whole conversion.I had my rights to do so.But whole argument which was suppose to be talking was running me down and making reference to what my daughter tells them, and my daughter isn't very honest and adds more into it.So my best advice is talk to someone because yourself esteem is as low as mine, no one deserves this and if they have deep psychological issues of the past they have to deal with it and seek help.But to punish me for the rest of my life over something I don't know I did.. wrong and like I said I have NEVER ever hurt my children.I can't say I'm 100% innocent no one is but 99% is unprovoked, I don't bother them or talk to them I'm evil I talk to them I'm evil.. no win situation. Just end it close the door one day they will come around if they don't they miss out not you yes hurts because of grandkids but your problem is with your children not grandkids.They are just exposed to it and karma will kick them( my kids) in the butt... Ill sit back and enjoy it and say now you know how I felt. My daughter yells tells me I hate her not true I just don't like her.The lies and her face book is nothing but slandering me. I have no problem taking her to court for slander.Might teach her a lesson on respect.Have a judge throw it in her face.I have her blocked but friends of mine have access. Some of her friends have messaged me also telling me she is running me down like dirt.

I am a child and a parental abuse survivor. In order to break the cycle, it is sometimes necessary to break the bond.

I hear a lot of talk about who did what to whom. How much of this can you control? And how much can you change yourself?

Sometimes it means doing your best. But when what's not good enough, walk away. Seriously. Gbye. Hasta La Vista.

Yes, they are my family. But I am not on this planet to be treated like this. It's surprising who comes around and backs you up. And you can make a new family too, of your own choosing.

So no more drama. God doesn't make junk. Put on a smile, even if it's through clenched teeth, and dance to "Milkshake" by Kelis. Today is the first day in the rest of your life. May you break the bond, and set an example.