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    triviumfan's Avatar
    triviumfan Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 15, 2010, 12:14 PM
    Loving a girl that has a boyfriend but says she loves me too.
    Hey all. First off I would like to say I'm pretty new to this kind of thing so sorry in advance if it's not too good.

    Well last year I met a girl online and we started to get really close. We talked like crazy for a few months then all of a sudden she was just gone one day. I thought nothing of it but always had little nags like maybe she will just appear one day. Well skip ahead to today, she came back a few months ago and we started where we left off. I did the stupid thing of telling her how I feel way to early and it's been really awkward ever since. Me and her BF work on the same nights and through the week they're always together. We get like 14 hours to ourselves every weekend (talking online mostly) and we get really close until I have to leave for work (I work nightshift). Our feelings for each other have been getting stronger and stronger every week but we both feel the same way. We would love for something to happen but she doesn't feel independent enough to not leave her BF and also worries she will be left with nothing if it didn't work out with me also. I'm not the sharpest tool in the box and am still getting the hang of this kind of thing even though I'm 21, I'm not some creepy weirdo, I just consider myself a kind, loving but extremely shy guy.

    I know I shouldn't keep doing this as it's not fair on her or her BF the most but we try to stop talking and we end up right back where we left off, thinking "what if". I just need an outside opinion. She says she loves me and can't stop thinking about me and I'm just getting torn to pieces not being with her.
    I hinted to her should we just stop all this and let each other go on but I'm too much of a sucker to say no. She said it's too soon for anything serious to happen but if we waited a bit then there could be something. I don't want her out of my life but I can't keep doing this to her or her BF. What the hell do I do? Wait around and see what happens or just cut all ties and get on with my life?

    Sorry for such a long message, I'm not the best at getting to the point but I hope someone, somewhere out there can help :)
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #2

    Nov 15, 2010, 12:25 PM

    Check out this guidline for insights: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...ip-463250.html

    Sounds like she's EXTREMELY insecure about herself. Even if she did leave her boyfriend, don't you think that she can easily leave you for someone else?

    She's already cheating on him by secretely having an emotional affair with you.

    Now that she knows how you feel, the ball is on her side of the court to figure out what she wants to do, knowing how you feel. If she really wanted to be with you, she would find a way, instead of flip-flopping everywhere. The flip-flopping stems from her insecurities.

    I suspect that even if you do end up together, she will carry her insecurities over to your relationship and it won't be smooth sailing whatsoever.

    Until she can get her act together, you're better off leaving her alone to sort out her own problems.

    She ALREADY KNOWS how you feel, if she wanted something to happen, she will find you. Keeping in close contact with her will only help her cheat on her boyfriend more. Do you really want to develop a cheater?
    triviumfan's Avatar
    triviumfan Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Nov 16, 2010, 09:07 AM
    Comment on I wish's post
    Yeah you're right, she's absolutely gorgeous but she held out for so long to show me what she looked like. I just want to be there for her, make her a bit more confident but it's getting too much now, how do I let her know this without hurting her?
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #4

    Nov 16, 2010, 09:58 AM

    I would say write it in an email so that she can refer to it if she needs to. Telling her on the phone or in person is a one time deal and she might not remember what you say. Furthermore, writing an email would put your own mind at ease because you can word it exactly the way you want, so you won't have to worry about whether she understands you or not. If she really didn't understand what you wrote, she would find a way to contact you.

    After you send the email, leave her alone and focus on yourself. You need to stop dragging this out, otherwise, it's just going to torture you more and you won't be able to move on with your life.
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    triviumfan Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Nov 18, 2010, 05:58 AM
    Just a bit of an update on the situation, hope you're still around I wish.

    The more I think of it the more I keep coming to the conclusion that she is the one pursuing me now. I gave her a bit of space the past few days and it was so hard but she contacted me again saying she couldn't even stay away for 2 days. I'm not sure if I'm just the guy that's been man enough to explain my feelings to her so she feels she has to keep me in her life or is it more, does she actually want something to happen. She said her and her BF have been together for 4 years and the past 2 they kind of feel they aren't even in a relationship, just kind of living with each other. I'm really not sure the leaving her to it thing is the right thing as she does actively contact me even more now than ever and seems to have more time for me than her BF. Just so confused as to what I should do, it's driving me mad!
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #6

    Nov 18, 2010, 10:54 AM

    This is going to sound harsh

    Just a few nuggets for you.

    Sometimes, when we have feelings for another person, we twist their words and actions into thinking that they have feelings for us as well. So what you are experiencing is a sense of false hope. Remember, she ALREADY KNOWS that you have feelings for her. If she wanted something to happen, she would make it happen.

    It's difficult to accept, but the ball is already on her side of the court. It's up to her to make the next move. I understand that you're interpreting her words and actions into thinking that she might want to be with you, but if she really had feelings for you, she would want to put your best foot forward and try to impress you. Instead, she's treating you like a good friend and leaning on your shoulder by showing you her insecurities about her boyfriend. Sometimes we mistaken kindness and friendliness as something more.

    Even if she gets out of her relationship, she will be on the rebound.
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    triviumfan Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Nov 18, 2010, 11:37 AM
    Thanks first of all for the time and effort, really helps!

    I'm just not sure she would do anything about it as like you said, I know she's pretty insecure and not very confident but it seems to me that she feels she's not good enough so will just take whatever and not follow her true feelings. I'm kind of like that too I guess, I rather just agree to anything even if it's not what I want instead of standing up for what I really feel. I know in my heart I could make her so much happier than she already is but if she can't change the way she thinks to do something about it, I should just find someone that can do that for me, right? I'm pretty good at handling the truth just not the best at the action part, if that makes sense :)
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #8

    Nov 18, 2010, 01:02 PM

    Not much you can do but be patient to see how things play out. Remember, she already knows how you feel.

    But you're single. Don't let that stop you from meeting new people and going out to have fun!
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    triviumfan Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Nov 21, 2010, 10:59 AM
    Guess I should say how it's been going. She has revealed a lot to me the past few days, her boyfriend is using her situation to make her feel threatened and she has told me quite a lot that he raises her hands to her and makes her feel very scared. It's just when we talk to each other I really see the her she used to be before this **** ruined her life and she even says she's not been so happy in years. She basically told me, if I want I can live down with her and her parents if that's what I want because she's had enough of her BF controlling her but has no other way to let him go. I sound mad for saying that's what I want too but we're just so alike I can't even describe to make someone understand. Should I just go for it and see how it works out or wait it out?
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #10

    Nov 21, 2010, 07:14 PM

    It really depends on you. But you're definitely dragging out the whole process. If I were you, I would just make your feelings clear to her, leave the ball on her side of the court. Otherwise, you're just going to keep on over-analyzing all her actions and all her words.
    nesba's Avatar
    nesba Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Dec 22, 2012, 09:01 AM
    Hello guys, my situation here is she also has a boyfriend and I told her also what I feel for her... she told me that she has a special feelings for me but she also love her boyfriend... I ask her if who of us love her most but she said she don't... we actually going out sometime no sex involve... how could I win her heart and then she leave her boyfriend... by the way I have a wife but I don't love her anymore and a daughter but she knows my situation...
    85189609's Avatar
    85189609 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Dec 28, 2012, 02:23 PM
    Hi, I'm sorry to interrupt this conversation but could I wish also help me out
    I've posted a ques about 1 5yr relationship. My id is 85189609... I really need advice
    Quote Originally Posted by I wish View Post
    It really depends on you. But you're definitely dragging out the whole process. If I were you, I would just make your feelings clear to her, leave the ball on her side of the court. Otherwise, you're just going to keep on over-analyzing all her actions and all her words.

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