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    abbiec's Avatar
    abbiec Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 4, 2010, 02:22 PM
    Husband not assertive in sex
    My husband met and married the first woman he dated. They were married for 20 years, she hated sex and would only "service" his needs at prescheduled times, "8:00 to 8:20" for example. During that time, she would give him head, once he put a condom on of course.

    When I came into the picture, he seemed a bit uninterested in normal sex and always wanted me to dress up and play act. So I did, and really felt uncomfortable about it, I thought it was a bit strange for people to do that. His biggest fantasy is to *** on my face and have anal sex. I only let him have anal sex with me twice because it hurts and I hate it. But he cums on my face at least once a month and I hate that too, and he knows it but gets pouty if I don't let him do it.

    He says that for every time we have normal sex for me, that he should get to *** on my face or do what he wants to do because normal sex is for me not him. I told him that it makes me feel cheap and that it's gross, but he doesn't seem to care. He watched porn and seems to want to act out what they do.

    Worst of all, when he wants sex (I don't even want sex anymore) we have to make an appointment like he and his ex did. He wants me to put on certain clothing and heels and he really looks forward to having sex on the day we've agreed to. But it's usually something like him me noticing him ignoring me, not making eye contact, basically barely speaking to me giving me the cold shoulder. When I ask what is wrong, he says nothing,. I have to keep asking before he finally says that we haven't had sex in a week.

    Oh, okay so then I say we can have sex tonight because I'm not working that night.. so the dress is laid out on the bed, and it's time to have sex his way.

    1. He sits back on the couch. I sit beside him.

    2. I go to him, find his face and kiss him on the lips because he's too shy to come to me, fear of rejection he says because his ex used to reject him all the time.

    3. Try to nail down eye contact because he is looking at the wall, the ceiling, the floor or his eyes are just closed and not looking into mine.

    4. He rubs my back or arm or leg with one hand

    5. I usually just start giving head because I really just want the whole experience to be over, buy myself a good 3 or 4 days before I have to do it again.

    6. Other times, he thinks he can turn me on so he does the old favs like rubbing my breasts and then going down on me, but I am not emotionally turned on so nothing physical will help at this point.

    7. He may have sex with me for awhile, but not ***, And after he does that he always wants me to give him head, so I have to taste myself which I hate.

    8. Then the big presentation, the act of ******* on my face. I cringe, close my eyes and actually whimper a bit because I know it's coming and I hate it, hate it hate it! He sees that but still wants it.

    I told him last night, as I was laying there lifeless and feeling used, that I haven't been turned on for 4 years and that he needs to be more assertive and spontaneous. I told him that I don't like making appointments for sex and planning everything, but I told him that 6 years ago so he already knows I don't like it.

    I told him that I want a man to approach me, hold my face in his hands and tell me he wants me, look into my eyes and to be more masculine and assertive sexually. Of course he tried to blame me saying that it is not normal to do that. I reminded him that he has only been with one other woman in his life, I have been with many men. He tried to blame it on the men I have been with, saying they are not normal.

    He gets mad at me for things I say and pouts around for days. He knows I get anxious when he ignores me and treats me like a child. He is a school teacher and scoulds me.

    In the end, he seemed to come around. I asked him if he was mad at me, he said "no". Then we went to bed but he couldn't have been colder. This morning, a pouting look of disappointment on his face and barely speaking to me. This is the guilt trip he puts on me, he knows I will feel bad for telling him my feelings about our sex life.

    We are in couples theraphy at the moment. The therapist told him that he doesn't treat me like an individual but rather an object that fits into in his family (he has two kids) to meet a goal. He was devistated with his wife left him, family was everything to him and he is very goal oriented, a perfectionist and organised. I am more of a free spirit.

    He denied that he thinks of me as an object, but the therapist picked it up and I agreed with him. Whenever I don't tow the line, he tells me to leave and says he doesn't want to live with me anymore. The house is his but we've lived together for 7 years, so it is not MY home.

    The thing is that he doesn't seem to realise the way he's behaving. He can't see any faults in himself. He is a good man in his everyday life, he means well but is so messed up.

    answerme_tender's Avatar
    answerme_tender Posts: 1,148, Reputation: 689
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    #2

    Nov 4, 2010, 03:03 PM

    So how much longer are you going to put up with being nothing more then an face for him to *** on. He hasn't even attempted to put your name on a house that has been your home for 7years. He has chosen not to pay any attention to your sexual request, but acts like a spoil rotten brat when he doesn't get his sexual APPOINTMENTS full filled!!
    Why should he see his faults, there are no consequences to them. He still gets to threaten to kick you out of HIS house when you dis-obey him. You give into all his demands even when they make you feel disgusting.
    I have to tell you that on the assigned sex night, I would get some honey, mix in some corn starch, warm it up in the microwave (just a little) and have this PIG you call a husband lay down on the bed keep his eyes close until you were ready with a surprise, then I would pour that warm sh*t all over his face and walk away!! Of course that is just me, um you might want to continue with your therapist!!
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
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    #3

    Nov 4, 2010, 03:16 PM

    It must be torture to have sex on a schedule, I can't imagine how frustrating that must be for you.

    Do you love this man enough to deal with his behavior for the rest of your life?

    You must, because of what you endure, in the name of satisfaction. His satisfaction.

    He needs work. In the "giving/sharing".

    All men should obligate themselves to learn how to pleasure a woman in the correct manner. I do it because I want to, to reciprocate, and it pays off in the long run. (I adore women and their complicated selves, I can't help it)

    If you love him enough to do what you do, then find ways of compromising. Like wipe off, before performing "pull-out oral". And does the "face splash" finale have to be so "nasty and demeaning"? It's not poop after all. Compromise.

    And tell him that there's nothing wrong with holding a woman's face on both sides, and gently kissing her slowly... down... to the nape of her neck.. while whispering sweet anythings into her ear,. firmly holding her at the small of her back, pulling... OK that's enough.

    I'm glad that you two are in therapy. That's a great start. But you two are world's apart when it comes to sex. And the art of seduction.

    How is he in other aspects of your marriage?
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #4

    Nov 4, 2010, 05:44 PM

    I am just in awe by your story. I don't even quite know where to begin.

    I see a sadistic, selfish, cruel, miserable man here.

    There are so many red flags in your relationship that goes beyond sex. You must know that.

    He treats you like an object, not like a man should treat his love.

    Your sex sounds like rape (it's not rape,but seems like it). This isn't love making, this is just plain sick!

    The fact that HE knows you don't like certain things and gets upset about them, shows me that he doesn't care about YOUR feelings.

    Making love should be about a connection with your partner, making them feel special, wanting the feeling to last long, looking into each others eyes, caressing, kissing, so on and so forth. Here I see none of that.

    Don't get me wrong, there are times when I just want to be put in my place, to be bent over the kitchen counter and give it to me...

    However, in your situation, there is NO loving feeling, just pure degrading sex.

    This makes me concerned about the rest of your relationship. What else is going on?

    I am glad that you guys are seeking professional help. That's one step closer... I think?

    Also this schedule would drive me crazy. Where's the spontaneity and the passion?

    I really hope that this counseling works out, because to me, I see this ending badly.

    You derserve to be happy and to have a man who will cherish your feelings, no matter what.

    Good Luck.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #5

    Nov 4, 2010, 06:26 PM

    It sounds like he is taking all the hatred for sex and his ex on you, this is not a healthy relationship. ** unless you of course liked these things.

    He may of course always liked those things before his first wife, we don't know this.
    You both need serious therapy.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #6

    Nov 5, 2010, 03:45 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    It sounds like he is taking all the hatred for sex and his ex on you, this is not a healthy relationship. ** unless you of course liked these things.

    He may of course always liked those things before his first wife, we don't know this.
    You both need serious therapy.
    I agree with this.

    We have no idea what it was like with his ex...
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #7

    Nov 5, 2010, 05:21 PM

    And of course many people have to plan, due to work schedules, meetings and more, also people who need to take medication due to ED will often have to plan at least a hour or so prior
    QLP's Avatar
    QLP Posts: 980, Reputation: 656
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    #8

    Nov 5, 2010, 05:23 PM

    He's not just treating you as an object, but as the object of his revenge. He needs some serious therapy to work through the anger from his first marriage. You need to work on your own self-esteem. Having this guying treating you this way and feeling you must let it happen has to change.

    Please continue with the therapy and consider some personal sessions for each of you to work through your own issues as well as the couples counselling.

    I do feel for you, as I'm sure all the posters, with their excellent comments above do too. We can't do much to actually help you but please feel free to come on and vent as often as you need to. You're doing well getting the therapy, we're here for you during the journey.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
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    #9

    Nov 5, 2010, 05:37 PM

    Glad you are both in counseling...

    He's definitely self absorbed... that definitely isn't going to help you lighten up on your end either being subjected to some of that...

    Incidentally guy juice works good for wrinkles... wife heard it from another woman at work, tried it for months now and says it works better than any of the night creams etc she's tried. Because people have commented and obviously isn't going to blurt out what exactly has worked.

    Anal doesn't hurt if its done right... and it clearly sounds like he isn't interested in doing his part to do it right.

    You both do have a long way to go... I do hope the counseling helps. Before you have ot walk away.
    QLP's Avatar
    QLP Posts: 980, Reputation: 656
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    #10

    Nov 5, 2010, 05:49 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by smoothy View Post
    Glad you are both in councelling...

    He's definately self absorbed...that definately isn't going to help you lighten up on your end either being subjected to some of that...

    Incidently guy juice works good for wrinkles.....wife heard it from another woman at work, tried it for months now and says it works better than any of the night creams etc she's tried. Because people have commented and obviously isn't going to blurt out what exactly has worked.

    Anal doesn't hurt if its done right...and it clearly sounds like he isn't interested in doing his part to do it right.

    You both do have a long way to go....I do hope the councelling helps. Before you have ot walk away.
    Guy juice for wrinkles - quick tell L'Oreal lol. I want to see that ad on TV! Wonder if it was a guy or a lady started that rumour heh heh. I read that eating dark chocolate is good for wrinkles. Now if I just get creative with the choccy body paint I could combine both theories. ;)

    Seriously though there's nothing wrong with guy-juice as long as the recipient is happy about receiving it wherever it goes. Ditto the anal. It's the interaction between them that's the problem. This man wants to demean and not as in role-play, it's a real issue here.
    abbiec's Avatar
    abbiec Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Nov 6, 2010, 01:17 AM
    Thanks everyone for responding.

    I just don't know what I'm waiting for. I guess the good times are really good and that is what I yearn for. We have had problems with me not going out of my way to make his teen boy feel close to me. The teen is irrogant and rude. I say hello to him, I do the laundry, cook, clean but I don't dare ask the teen anything because I will just say it wrong and my husband will think I am picking on the teen. I will admit that my tone isn't always happy and friendly because when I moved in with him, we had a family meeting to discuss how the family would work and how I fit in. I was the stepmom and my husband and I were a united front, everyone had chores and responsibilities. At first he cracked down when they didn't do their chores, I would remind them that they had to do their chores, he would support me. Then, out of the blue, my husband told me that he didn't want me to interact with the kids and to just act like their "friend", but not mother them. That was 4 years ago, I was cut out of the family 4 years ago and I resent it. I cook I clean I do laundry I work shift work, I contribute 1000 every two weeks into the "family" that I am not a part of. The kids side with their dad, the three of them have private conversations in the kids bedrooms, I never know what is going on, when a concert at school is happening, where they are going, I am not included anymore. And, if I say anything out of line that my husband doesn't approve of, then he wants me out of the house. I feel unsafe.. and by the way, we aren't married, just living together but its easier to say he is my husband.

    What a fool, I can see that I need to get out of this relationship but but but.. the good times, the months we spent living in the wilderness, Just the two of us, was magic and I am waiting for that man to return. Maybe he can't and I need to prepare for that. I am hoping counseling will help him to realise what he is doing, how he is behaving and maybe I will be able to let go..

    Something else I've discovered lately, he has never let me get involved with paying the bills or seeing the bank accounts yet he takes large amounts of my pay every pay day. The 1000 every two weeks, I give him is to help with groceries for me, my car insurance and my living expenses like heat, water, electricity, But I am also buying groceries out of my own money or we won't have the right food. He doesn't trust me to do the grocery shopping because I might buy the wrong food, so he does the shopping as well, but I still buy groceries from my own money, fruit, bread when we run out, lunch meat, etc, Which leaves me broke, at the moment is 2.89 cents in my account.

    I am so stupid.
    Enigma1999's Avatar
    Enigma1999 Posts: 2,223, Reputation: 1077
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    #12

    Nov 6, 2010, 07:29 AM

    Abbiec,

    You are not stupid. You are in love and some times love can be blind...

    I feel sorry for his children. They may turn out like their Father, rude and controlling. They will be a product of circumstance. Which is not their fault.

    See, I knew I was correct. In my mind when I had read your original post, I thought to myself, this man is not only controlling in the bedroom, but I'll bet he is this way all of the time.

    The man that you are waiting for, I have a feeling is gone. So now it's time for you to be gone.

    This whole time I thought you two were married, so I thought that perhaps there may be some hope.

    I don't see hope here.

    You are starting to lose yourself up in the mix, and it is time to ask YOURSELF, is this really how I want to live out my life?

    You need to move on. At first it will seem hard, but in time you will see that it's for the better.

    Trust me when I say that there are sweet, kind hearted, compassionate men out there. This isn't the only man. Thank God for that!

    You derserve to be happy.

    Just remember that.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,492, Reputation: 2853
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    #13

    Nov 6, 2010, 07:34 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by abbiec View Post
    Thanks everyone for responding.

    I just don't know what I'm waiting for. I guess the good times are really good and that is what I yearn for. We have had problems with me not going out of my way to make his teen boy feel close to me. The teen is irrogant and rude. I say hello to him, I do the laundry, cook, clean but I don't dare ask the teen anything because I will just say it wrong and my husband will think I am picking on the teen. I will admit that my tone isn't always happy and friendly because when I moved in with him, we had a family meeting to discuss how the family would work and how I fit in. I was the stepmom and my husband and I were a united front, everyone had chores and responsiblities. At first he cracked down when they didnt do their chores, I would remind them that they had to do their chores, he would support me. Then, out of the blue, my husband told me that he didn't want me to interact with the kids and to just act like their "friend", but not mother them. That was 4 years ago, I was cut out of the family 4 years ago and I resent it. I cook I clean I do laundry I work shift work, I contribute 1000 every two weeks into the "family" that I am not a part of. The kids side with their dad, the three of them have private conversations in the kids bedrooms, I never know what is going on, when a concert at school is happening, where they are going,. I am not included anymore. And, if I say anything out of line that my husband doesnt approve of, then he wants me out of the house. I feel unsafe.. and btw, we arent married, just living together but its easier to say he is my husband.

    What a fool, I can see that I need to get out of this relationship but but but.. the good times, the months we spent living in the wilderness ,. just the two of us, was magic and I am waiting for that man to return. Maybe he can't and I need to prepare for that. I am hoping councelling will help him to realise what he is doing, how he is behaving and maybe I will be able to let go..

    Something else I've discovered lately, he has never let me get involved with paying the bills or seeing the bank accounts yet he takes large amounts of my pay every pay day. The 1000 every two weeks, I give him is to help with groceries for me, my car insurance and my living expenses like heat, water, electricity,. but I am also buying groceries out of my own money or we won't have the right food. He doesn't trust me to do the grocery shopping because I might buy the wrong food, so he does the shopping as well, but I still buy groceries from my own money, fruit, bread when we run out, lunch meat, etc,. which leaves me broke, at the moment is 2.89 cents in my account.


    I am so stupid.
    I see some real problems there... real problems. And its (the money thing) not the only one. Is he actually hiding the account stuff or just pays the bills without making you part of it. Big difference between those two.

    But seriously... the more you say about him and how they act towards you, the more problems I see in this whole thing. This goes WAY beyond horrible sex. At this point I'm not sure even counseling is going to help. Its like trying to Concel a 900 lb gorrilla into becoming a high society type. Are you really sure there are good times... and its not just grasping straws to find anything good going on from their side?
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #14

    Nov 6, 2010, 08:42 AM
    I am going to be blunt and it may seem harsh, but please think about what I am about to say.

    You are not a wife in any concept of the word. You are not his partner in any definition of the word. You aren't his girlfriend at this point. You are a paycheck and a hot body to use when he wants as well as his and his children's maid. You are being treated like a boarder/renter who pays not only in money and groceries but 'in kind'. Is that what you want for even one day longer?

    Take your next paycheck and move out. You can go to counseling as a couple without you being subjected to this mess IF that is truly what you want to do. He wants to make threats. Walk out. No ultimatums. Pack your bags and boxes-leave nothing you want to keep behind (except him). Have a credible witness(es) as to what you take with you so that he can't accuse you of stealing from him. Yes, I think he would go there.

    You are caught up in the past and want it to return. It won't. It can't. Too much has happened to make you both different individuals. DO NOT allow dreams and fantasies of better days and hopes for tomorrow to cloud your better judgment.
    QLP's Avatar
    QLP Posts: 980, Reputation: 656
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    #15

    Nov 6, 2010, 10:10 AM

    Oh dear. I think the counselling is going to be a long hard road. My guess is that you will be ready to let go long before he is ready to behave the way you think he can. I doubt those good times will return and if they ever do I expect it will be a case of too little too late. It seems as though the counselling is starting to help you stand back a little and see the picture more clearly. You just aren't ready to accept the finality of what you are seeing yet and, not unreasonably, have hope that if you can see the problems then he can too and will change. I'm just not sure that will happen in any reasonable time frame. Stick with the counselling until you feel clear enough to make a decision. I wish you the very best whatever you decide.
    jmjoseph's Avatar
    jmjoseph Posts: 2,727, Reputation: 1244
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    #16

    Nov 6, 2010, 10:24 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Cat1864 View Post
    I am going to be blunt and it may seem harsh, but please think about what I am about to say.

    You are not a wife in any concept of the word. You are not his partner in any definition of the word. You aren't his girlfriend at this point. You are a paycheck and a hot body to use when he wants as well as his and his children's maid. You are being treated like a boarder/renter who pays not only in money and groceries but 'in kind'. Is that what you want for even one day longer?

    Take your next paycheck and move out. You can go to counseling as a couple without you being subjected to this mess IF that is truly what you want to do. He wants to make threats. Walk out. No ultimatums. Pack your bags and boxes-leave nothing you want to keep behind (except him). Have a credible witness(es) as to what you take with you so that he can't accuse you of stealing from him. Yes, I think he would go there.

    You are caught up in the past and want it to return. It won't. It can't. Too much has happened to make you both different individuals. DO NOT allow dreams and fantasies of better days and hopes for tomorrow to cloud your better judgment.
    This is a great post.

    Now that we've gotten the whole story, the answer is easy to see. That is, if you're willing to let go. This man does not respect you in any shape or form.

    I have to ask, what hold does this man(lightly used) have on you? Why would you ever stick around in such disregard?

    You are wasting your time, your life, on this guy.

    May God give you the strength to see the path to happiness.

    I wish you the best.

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