First of all, I apologize for my spelling, English is not my first language.

I have one friend who is in a open relationship (the have sex with other people and they seem fine about) with a guy from other city. A few days ago, he came to visit her and we all went out for a drink. Later that night, we went to my friend's house (I was going to sleep there because my house is too far away) and, while we were watching some funny videos on the internet, he started to caress me. My friend noticed it but she did nothing, and she also didn't seem unconfortable about it. Then she went to sleep, leaving us (and other friend who was also staying in her house) alone. Then, when we all were going to go to bed, his boyfriend came to my room and we started to talk... and then to kiss. I was worried, so I asked him if it was OK for us to have sex, and he assured me that my friend was OK with it (I'm not sure if he meant that she was OK with him having sex with other women or having sex with me specifically), and finally we started to have sex.

While we were doing it, someone knocked the door and a second later my friend was in the room, seeing us totally naked and not in a very flattering position. She seemed surprised, but not mad. I was totally embarrassed but her boyfriend was cool with it and he didn't stop to do what he was doing. As I was shocked I didn't know how to react, so I just did nothing... and then my friend said that she wanted us to keep having sex... while she was watching.

And we did it.

But the next morning she started to behave in a different way. She started to look at me with a strange face and to make very hurtful jokes about the theme. She even told me that she was going to tell the story to a mutual friend.

And now I feel bad... awful. I don't know if she is mad about it or if she is just trying to make me feel bad about it, just for fun. I don't know if she is sad... she keeps telling that she is OK, but the jokes are just too much. I don't want her to feel sad, I don't want her to have problems with her boyfriend... and I also don't want to lose her friendship. I feel that I should have known better and do nothing but sleep in that house... but, on the other hand, the situation is just too strange for me to understand...

So, here is the question: What I did... was it as bad as I feel it was? What should I do about it?

Thank you very much.

Open relationships AREN'T, if there is not discussion between all THREE parties involved ahead of time.

You shouldn't have done it without TALKING to her about it first.

You can't undo it now, so you should probably talk to her about it NOW, and try to have an open and honest conversation about it.

Are you always so quick to sleep with a guy?

Yes, it was wrong, but it's too late now to change it. Maybe you should talk to the friend and try to apologize.

It's never a good idea to get yourself in such situations, especially with friends. Learn from this, and get on with your life.

The first thing that you need to do is look at yourself. Why would you do this? Are you totally unable to say no? Did it not strike you as inappropriate to be doing this?

Stop this stupid behavior now. Open relationships sound great in theory, but as you can see, in practice they are horribly complicated! Everyone feels terrible and no one will admit it.

Speak to your friend and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you made an error of judgement and that you won't be repeating it. Tell her you read the situation wrongly and your intention was not to distress or hurt her. Let her know that you feel distressed and ask her forgiveness.

Next time exercise some maturity and self restraint (as well as self respect) - see this as a lesson. In these circumstances, self control is a much more attractive quality than abandon.

Trust me, this was definitely NOT a good idea. Even if your friend said it was okay, she probably just didn't want to seem controlling because she was in an "open" relationship. I can almost be sure that she was hurt by it. Even if she knew that her BF was having sex with other girls, it's totally different when it's one of your friends, and SEEING IT. You made a poor choice, and you need to learn from it and apologize. And cherish your body, it's not just a toy that you can give away so freely. I'm almost sure that those jokes are a way of her getting back at you, and if she does tell someone else, she'll probably make sure that you sound like a sl*t, with an easy reputation.
Please use better judgement.
Here's the thing, USUALLY, if someone feels guilty about something they have done, it's probably because they knew it was not the right thing to do.

What's done is done, but if the role was reversed I think your perspective of the situation would be different. Tell your friend your sorry and to stop the hurtful jokes

I agree that you should have had more respect for yourself than to jump into bed with this person no matter what their relationship is like.

I will say, though, that I think you were set up by the boyfriend if not your friend. I think she knew or had a good idea what he had planned. Both of their actions speak volumes about intentions.

I would suggest having an honest and open discussion with her about what happened and both your and her feelings. I think there may be some feelings here that have not been brought to the surface.

I had a similar experiment happen with me but I talked to her first before I done the act with her boy friend. And she said it was fine that she was going to ask me to do it with her boy friend cause he wanted me and she wanted him to have what he wanted but that she just wanted to watch, we we did and she was great during the sex and even after. But it took about a week and she started getting jealous of me even talking to him with her right there listen to every word. It never worked out... good luck. That is a very hard thing to handle. So many emotions when things like that happen... I set down and talked to both of them and put it all out on the table and we all talked and we worked it out and all things went well. I would try and talk to both of them... :) good luck

They might have viewed it differently if it wasn't with a friend... but as was mentioned... if you were going to do it it would have been better to have let her known before as well. It's that she was left out of the loop in her own house with a friend that I think was the root of the problem.

You're all consenting adults.Unfortunately the damage is already done. Your friend is acting childish.

I think that if their relationship was truly "open", there shouldn't be a problem. Everyone has needs and obviously you and the boyfriend were attracted to each other. And its not like you were having sex with someone you didn't know. If she really has a problem with it then she should have reacted differently when she walked in on you. To sit there and watch leads me to believe that she was OK with it. If I walked in on my boyfriend having sex with a friend I think I would freak out and never talk to either one of them again. Sounds like her relationship with him is one of convenience and she's just jealous that he found someone else to be interested in. If she continues to criticize you for this then maybe she's not as good a friend as you thought. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. Although an uncomfortable situation, I don't see that you did anything wrong.

Open relationship or not you shouldn't even look at your friends boyfriend in any other way but friendship, whould you have slept with him if they warnt in an open relationship?. I don't think so! Unless you are just one of those girls.

The only that bothers me is that this friend of yours seemed to be all right with you having sex with her boyfriend. If she didn't feel that way, she would have done something right then when she walked in on you & your boyfriend.

I don't think it was hurtful during the process of having sex with her boyfriend, but maybe she was jealous after she assumed or noticed her boyfriend had a better time with you rather than her.

In my opinion, what you did wasn't wrong if she didn't stop you both having sex right away... hey its not like I haven't tried to get a third person into bed with my wife but I wouldn't have asked a close friend to participate...

But this situation had stirred up unwanted feelings... which is why people should learn NOT to get involved in other CURRENT on-going relationships...

Lastly, you had better tell your friend to either get over it or break this friendship off, if her 'jokes' and gossips torment you so...
Good luck

Address this head on with the friend. Tell her what you understood the relationship to be and ask her what her objection is. Don't waste time on "what ifs"... get to the end of this right away.

This thread is from 1999.

I hope in the intervening year they have managed to work through the issue.