Hi,
So I've been with my boyfriend for six years he's 29 and I'm 25. We've been through a lot together. We met in the army and became really good friends before we started dating, and then when he got out about 2 years before I did we broke up because he was coming back to the states. Well we ended up getting back together a year later and I moved here to be with him (and because he was already in school and about to graduate and then continue to get his masters, and I had no clue what I was going o go to school for so to me it didn't matter where I went to school) and have been together ever since. We both agree we are in it for the long run, but we are not ready to get married at this point in our lives. Well about 3 years ago It came to my attention that he had a bit of a spending problem, he would always go out (like 3-4 times a week) and get trashed and end up spending a lot of money and losing his atm card, so he would ask to barrow money from me and never pay me back, or would write me a check and then give him cash for it, over and over again... finally I started getting fed up with him not being home and not having any money that I stopped doing it. Then one day he came to me and said he had a gambling problem, so then it all sarted to make sense why he would be broke and always losing his atm card and blah blah blah. So we went to GA meeting to get help and took all the steps to help himget better, like not givign him control of his back accont and not giving him cash and buying him gift card and so on. Well right form the getgo he thought the meeting were lame and that the counceler was lame and it was all a waste of time because he knew he had a problem and he new that stats of gamblers and he knew what made him gamble ( stress) so after a few months he stopped going to the meetings. So for the most part he stopped gambling (however he did have few slips) but that's because I had control of the money. Then it seemed he had repalced one addiction with another and started drinking even more and then he would want money and get very demanding about it even stealing my debt card or money. And saying that Its his money too! Blah blah blah. So earlier this year after speanding all this time fighting over money I finally made him get his own account and guess what happened?? He started gabeling again. Well he decided to tell me ( 2 weeks after I told him I was unhappy about our relationship and that I was ready to move out and move back home, but I was willing to give us one more chance) that he was gambling again and that he had made the first step into getting back into rehab. As unhappy as I was to hear this I was willing to accept it and help him trough this, that was until I asked him when the last time he gambled was and he said it was 5 days after I told him I was "willing to start over". I just couldn't take it so I pack all my stuff up and put it in storage, ship our dog to my parents house, and moved in with my friend. So after I did all that he begged me for one more chance, he said he will get this gambling thing and drinking thing under control and that he couldn't do it with out me, he will do anything I want, and that he couldn't emagine his life with out me and all this great stuff and even move to CA with me! This all sound so great, right? I told him he needs to work on himself before he even thinks of us and that he's got to get better for him and not for me... Well that's were te delema part comes in: What do I do? I do love him with al my heart and he is one of my best friends but I don't know what to do? I'm I abandoning him when he needs support the most? I feel that I can go through this whole "healing proccess" but I don't know if I want to... Im 'just so confussed!

I have the same situation like you. We had broke up like 3 or 4 times but he always begged me to come back. The last time I didn't talk to him for almost 1 weeks and he called and leave a voice message that he will go to another place which is 6 hours away from here to work. I had believed in him and thought that he is changing now. Then the day after my birthday, I cried so badly to said goodbye to him. It has been 10 days from the day he left, we still talked and I have no doubt that this time he truly worked and stop gambling. But just recently I got a news from his mom that he took her money and been calling his sister's customer (she has a beauty salon) and everything becomes clearly that he didn't go to Edinburg, he didn't work like he told me, that everything I heard is not true, that he has been lying to me and I feel just like a stupid girl. He had took most of my money, pawn my laptop and his car title also (his dad already give him money to take his title back but he keep pawning it another time. I am freaking crazy right now and I won't believe in him anymore. Gambleholic people they will never give up, they will never change even though you would pay your life for them to stop gamble,they still gamble. The best thing for us now is that don't contact them anymore, let them alone and be what ever they want. If they are able to stop gamble, they will stop one day. But once they can not, whatever you try they are not going to change. Be strong, live your life and let them live their life. If he is your haft, you will see each other again. And I always hope we will see each other some days when we are already mature and succeed.

To conquer his addiction, he has to want to. And then do it. You cannot support him, you have tried that. If support is what he needs, he knows where to find it. So go home and let him fall on his face and hit rock bottom, and get up on his own because that's what he wants.

Sounds cruel and harsh, and makes you feel helpless, I know, but you are helpless to change him, and only until he realizes his actions are cruel and harsh to himself and others will he have a chance at wanting to change.

If you stay with him you are only asking for a life of pain and misery. He will always be telling you lies, taking your money, and most likely will at some point become physically abusive if he doesn't get his booze and money.

Tal is right - he has to fall on his face and get up all on his own. You can't help him.

I know you don't want to hear this, but with a dual problem (alcoholism and gambling), odds are he won't ever be able to completely conquer his demons.

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3 year old thread

Nice catch!!