Originally Posted by jheep

I empathize with your plight. I agree that it's such a difficult situation to be in and I think it's good that you're taking time out to figure it all out. Get to know yourself very well first before you take any action that is bound to change your life forever. There are several complicated and intertwined issues here: 1) your religion and your faith, 2) your marriage and your relationship with your husband, and 3) your sexuality.

1) your religion and your faith

You're a Christian and I have the impression that all you want to be is a good Christian but you seem conflicted with your feelings. I also surmise that you live in a very devout Christian community, which includes your family and friends. This can put tremendous pressure on you to act according to their expectations. However, it's obvious that these things seem to be not what you really want or always want, as you have often secretly acted contrary to these. Don't live life according to other people's expectations. Don't make decisions to please other people. Don't be a hypocrite. Have some integrity. Decide for yourself and be happy. Religion is not about what other people say, although sometimes it can feel that way. At the very least, religion is supposed to help you develop virtues and live a better life, because life is difficult and man is prone to sin. But a condition for religion to benefit you is devotion to the truth, no matter how terrible the truth may be.

2) your marriage and your relationship with your husband

Marriage is life-changing. I can't over emphasize how serious it is. It's not something that can be easily trifled with. It gets more complicated if there are children involved. It requires a lot of hard work and sacrifice to make it work. Marriage is not just about sweet romance and good sex. How committed are you to your marriage? How committed are you to your husband? These are some of the questions that you have to ask yourself. Get to know what is important to you.

3) your sexuality

I know feelings can be powerful and nothing probably beats the consummation of sexual desires with someone whom you are really attracted to. Your body reacts in ways that make you feel ecstatic! But man is not all about sex. You can feel orgasmic one minute, and then shameful and regretful the next. Are you ready to give up your family and your marriage for such experience? Which matter more to you? That is why it's important to know yourself well and make peace with that. Decide what you think is best and take full responsibility for your actions.

Ultimately, you only have one life to live. Make it matter and make it your own. You are responsible for your own happiness.