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    emilia1234's Avatar
    emilia1234 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Aug 17, 2010, 01:20 PM
    My boyfriend refuses to go to work
    My boyfriend refuses to go to work on a daily basis as he says he is stressed out and depressed. He owes me £2000 and he is at the limit of his £1000 overdraft. I know people are in a lot worse debt but it is really frustrating that he does not seem to want to get out of the situation.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Aug 17, 2010, 02:43 PM

    Then dump his lazy a$$. Any questions?
    Devorameira's Avatar
    Devorameira Posts: 2,461, Reputation: 981
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    #3

    Aug 17, 2010, 02:48 PM

    Tal is right - get rid of him FAST! He won't change, he'll more than likely always be in debt living paycheck to paycheck.
    emilia1234's Avatar
    emilia1234 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Aug 17, 2010, 03:41 PM
    It is sad because he is such a talented person and he is just going to waste. He spends money on the most absurd things but doesn't think anything of it. Don't want to lose him as I know deep down he has a good heart. Is there anything I can do to help him or is it the end?
    FoxCash's Avatar
    FoxCash Posts: 160, Reputation: 125
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    #5

    Aug 17, 2010, 04:12 PM

    He says he's depressed and stressed, is he taking any steps to work out what is depressing him?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #6

    Aug 17, 2010, 10:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by emilia1234 View Post
    my boyfriend refuses to go to work on a daily basis as he says he is stressed out and depressed. He owes me £2000 and he is at the limit of his £1000 overdraft. i know people are in a lot worse debt but it is really frustrating that he does not seem to want to get out of the situation.
    There isn't enough information to make a judgment in my opinion.

    1. What kind of work does he do- you say he works, but not on a daily basis. What kind of job allows that.

    2. If he is not working full time, is he on some sort of disability or leave from work, because of the stress/depression?

    3. Has he seen a Doctor, and has he been diagnosed with depression, and if so, does he take medication, or has he seen a counsellor.

    4. What do you mean by " he does not seem to want to get out of the situation", do you mean the depression and stress, or do you mean to imply that he is making a choice not to, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.

    5. How long have you been together, and how long has he been cutting back the work hours.

    6. Has he changed in other ways too? Physically, emotionally?

    7. What does he do when he isn't working full time- does he help out around the house, cook, clean?

    More information would be helpful. I'm not inclinded to pass judgment and tell you to toss him to the curb- just yet.
    emilia1234's Avatar
    emilia1234 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Aug 19, 2010, 09:03 AM

    He does door to door sales so he is very good with words which means he can come up with endless amounts of excuses and never be questioned. I foot understand it but he gets away with a lot.

    He isn't on any kind of benefit, I think he is too proud but I would rather that, than see him in this mess.

    No, he hasn't seen a doctor and I have asked him to in to councilling on numerous occasions but nothing has happened yet.

    By saying that he doesn't want to get out of the situation I mean that he is sat in the house all day everyday so he could easily go to work, but instead he will play video hands and watch films all day. He also went through a phase of lying to me by saying that he had been going to work when he hadn't. This annoyed me... a lot!
    We have been together just over two years now and this has only started about two months ago. I know its not the longest relationship ever but before this time things were great and I don't want to throw it away just because he's having a difficult time at the moment.

    He has... put on some weight recently to which he says knocks his confidence but he he didn't sit around the house all day then it would drop off him. He is not obese or anything near that.

    Around the house he does nothing unless I pester him. He has always been like this though and is something I have come to terms with! When I ask him to do something he will, if I don't then he won't!

    Thanks for listening! p.s sorry if any words are wrong, I am using my phone to type this! (I meant video games above!)
    Thank you
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Aug 19, 2010, 09:25 AM

    when I ask him to do something he will, if I don't then he won't!
    Then tell his lazy a$$ to go get a job, or meet you at the door naked with a hot meal, and a hot bath ready for when you get home. And the house better be clean, laundry done, yard perfect, and the windows done to perfection.

    You just need to tell him you want more than what he is giving. Problem solved. ;):D
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
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    #9

    Aug 19, 2010, 11:23 AM
    Thanks for answering those questions. That paints a much clearer picture.

    He has not been diagnosed with any mental illness, except that which he's diagnosed himself.

    Prior to this past two months then, he was more motivated, had an income, and was self sufficient. I presume he made enough money to support himself had the two of you not moved in together.

    So it seems to be a drastic change in him. Any idea what has knocked him on his derrierre at kept him there?

    I don't think you are unreasonable, after two months of this, to expect some changes. If it were me, minimum would be a thourough checkup with his Doctor to rule out any physical problems that could be causing this change.

    If it is the job itself, then the time he is spending at home, should be dedicated to a job search, and upgrading, or retraining to get a more secure job. If he is not acknowledging that it is the job itself, and he puts in no productive time in during the day, and hasn't for 2 months, I'd be setting some goals for him, with consequences.

    For example, if he doesn't have a problem with the sales job, then cut the hours back, but still do the job. Or, cut the hours back, and actively look for something else. Expect that he should show some progress over the next four weeks, and snap out of this negative lifestyle of inactivity. Failing to change, improve, or even try to contribute financially, I would be inclined to say that a separation will happen, in 30 days. If THAT doesn't motivate him, then you have your answer- he is not willing to help himself, and you cannot do it for him.

    And it doesn't mean prolonging things either. It doesn't count if he makes an appointment to see his Doctor for a checkup on day #28, or on day 15 he works his butt off to make up for days 1-14.

    Be very clear what you expect to happen, and write it out if you have to, so there is no doubt that you expect some major changes.

    If he fails to live up to your minimum expectations, I would have his bags packed, and the locks changed.(not withstanding lease requirements of course).
    rockin_robyn's Avatar
    rockin_robyn Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Aug 26, 2010, 08:24 AM
    This sounds similar to what my friend went trough.
    He used to lie to her all the time even whenhe though't he'd be telling the truth-honestly the relationship went down hill as they realised it was just a fake pretentious relationship-in the nicest possi ble way this sound a little like that.
    You sound kind and down to earth a little bit of brat as it were but I can tell you have his intentions at heart.
    He sounds dog awful!!
    You said he's talented please don't tell me he's a wannabe with a dream and he thinks everything just going to happen!!

    However I remember from the start of the topic you said he ''owed'' you £2000 -what relationship counts money??
    (to me this seems selfish you should share and give ina relationship money is nothing)

    Best of luck with everything you'll find a real decent mann soon.
    lickemlolly's Avatar
    lickemlolly Posts: 397, Reputation: 62
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    #11

    Aug 27, 2010, 03:58 AM
    I think that you should put your foot down... there is a difference between being there for him and allowing yourself to be a doormat... you are not there to take care of him like a 6 year old.. he is a grown man... and there is no reason that he shouldn't be able to bring money into the house... he is using that as a crutch and you are allowing him... you think if he was out on his own he would be doing the same thing right now? NO... he would be working so that he would have food on the table etc.. you two are boyfriend and girlfriend not husband and wife... and even if you were that still is not an excuse... put your foot down and be firm, because guess what either way he still has to work!
    Christine10604's Avatar
    Christine10604 Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jun 16, 2011, 09:11 AM
    I am going through the same thing. My fiance' refuses to go and get a job. I have been supporting him for a year, and can't take it anymore. I know it is partly my fault cause I let it go on, but no man had ever treated me the way he did. I'm so depressed, and stressed out all the time.

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