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    Spontaneouslemon's Avatar
    Spontaneouslemon Posts: 75, Reputation: 5
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    #1

    Aug 15, 2010, 07:00 AM
    Should I be paying for the date this time?
    Threads merged

    I've been on 3 dates with this guy, and things seem to be getting pretty serious (strong connection, talk about the future,etc... ). I left on a trip to Europe for three weeks and now I'm back and he wants to take me out to Brunch, or lunch depending on what time we decide on, so we can catch up on everything.
    He has paid for everything all three dates, and I don't want him to burn a hole in his wallet! Although he makes a good amount of money, and that is unlikely, I at least feel the need to offer to pay. He's 29, if that helps for anything. (I'm 21).

    Some people say whoever wants to go on the date should be paying. I sort of agree with that. I mean it makes more sense. But I don't want him to feel that I'm taking advantage of him, but letting him pay every time without at least offering.
    But then, people claim that it offends some men when women offer to pay.
    ?

    Also, his birthday happened when I was on my trip so I told him I'd have to take him out on a Birthday dinner. So basically, I'm paying for our next date and I'm sure he knows that. So maybe it's not so bad if he pays for one more?

    I don't know. What do you guys think? Should I at least offer to pay?
    Thanks!
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #2

    Aug 15, 2010, 07:21 AM

    How about saying instead of brunch lets go somewhere really nice for dinner,my treat.

    Move shiftly on to other news topics,keep the conversation nice easy and relaxed.

    Or ask if he would in be interested in seeing a live band,if so,say you'll get the tickets.

    Or suggest the cinema,you get the tickets he gets the treats.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #3

    Aug 15, 2010, 07:33 AM

    Keep things light. 3 dates is not a lot to get too serious.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #4

    Aug 15, 2010, 07:40 AM

    Sometimes just the offer is appreciated, but I have always been appreciative, and grateful when a female treats me out of the goodness of her heart, to a meal, a show, or a concert. Just being willing to pay shows a guy a lot.

    Just don't be overly insistent to pay for a date, that too sends a message, but sometimes, is refreshing, and welcome.

    I am old school (very old school) and the asker pays, or expects to, But a female that is willing to pay, and does when SHE asks me out is refreshing, and welcome.
    Spontaneouslemon's Avatar
    Spontaneouslemon Posts: 75, Reputation: 5
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    #5

    Aug 15, 2010, 01:09 PM

    Thanks for the responses!
    My thoughts are that since he did invite me to lunch, he should be paying.
    Our next date will be his birthday date, which I will invite him to. And next time we have a dinner/movie night I will make sure to pay for at least the movie tickets.
    Otherwise, I have date ideas I'd like for us to take part in, so I'll voice that out and pay of course.
    Sound reasonable?
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #6

    Aug 15, 2010, 01:43 PM

    Sounds reasonable
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #7

    Aug 15, 2010, 02:08 PM

    If he doesn't want to go, I will! My wife said it was okay if you promise to keep your hands to yourself!:D

    That sounds very reasonable.
    Just Looking's Avatar
    Just Looking Posts: 1,610, Reputation: 480
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    #8

    Aug 15, 2010, 02:50 PM

    I think you are definitely on the right track and he will appreciate it. Guys are like girls in that they appreciate attention and being shown interest.

    When I was 21 and in school, not making much money, I used to cook dinner every few dates. If I was dating another student, I'd split the bill or suggest things that didn't cost money (like hikes or sports of some type). I think you will impress him with your thoughtfulness.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #9

    Aug 15, 2010, 03:36 PM

    Yes, or say you would like to take him out for his birthday dinner or lunch or so on.

    And agreed, you don't want to start thinking serious on 3 dates, maybe 3 months of dates
    Spontaneouslemon's Avatar
    Spontaneouslemon Posts: 75, Reputation: 5
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    #10

    Aug 18, 2010, 01:08 PM
    Am I officially his girlfriend? When do you know?
    So!
    For those of you who have been following, I've been dating a guy and so far have been on 5 dates with him. (Including his birthday date which went well, yay!)
    Every single date has been absolutely amazing and fun, and we have this insane connection, it's all very exciting.
    On our last date, we bumped into a friend of his and he introduced me to her as his girlfriend. He said "This is my girlfriend, Hilary"

    As clear as it seems, we haven't discussed the status of our relationship so it confuses me. Maybe it shouldn't? I mean if he said "this is my girlfriend" then that means he sees me as his girlfriend right? Should I just leave it at that or should we be having a talk about it.

    We've definitely made it clear that we want to be seeing each other for a while.
    Also, he told me that as I was gone on a 3 week trip to Europe, he slept with someone and the condom broke. He said he felt like it was a mistake to be with her, and also that he didn't want us to go any further sexually until he goes to the doctors and gets the results in order to make sure he doesn't pass anything on to me that the girl may have had. Although the girl said she didn't have anything, he wants to be sure of it.

    Anyway, I thought that was all incredibly mature of him especially to tell me about it. He was very nervous to tell me, but I didn't have a problem with it because we had never established the relationship. We had just started dating (we had gone on 3 dates) so he was allowed to do anything he wanted.

    Basically, I feel that this conversation may have been the establishment of our relationship and helped in making it exclusive. He said he was afraid he may have ruined something special between us but at the same time wasn't sure what would happen when I got back, if we'd get back together etc,. So by saying something like that it sounds like now that I'm back he wants to be exclusive. But we haven't really talked about it.

    Ah! I always manage to make these uber long. Sorry. Anyway to sum up:

    Is calling me his girlfriend enough or should we be having a talk?
    I feel we need to talk about it. But I don't want to freak him out about it by making it sound like a big deal. Also, we've only been on 5 dates, shouldn't this talk come up at least like 2 months of dating or something? (By the way he's 29, if that counts for anything. I'm 21)

    Thoughts?
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #11

    Aug 18, 2010, 02:02 PM

    You need to ask him what he meant by that. Do you want to be his girl friend or is this too soon, do you want things to be exclusive?
    Since he introduced you that way he has opened the door for a discussion.
    We would not know what he means and you don't want to assume anything, so ask him.
    slapshot_oi's Avatar
    slapshot_oi Posts: 1,537, Reputation: 589
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    #12

    Aug 18, 2010, 02:19 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Spontaneouslemon View Post
    Is calling me his girlfriend enough or should we be having a talk?
    Definitely have a talk. If you want to be exclusive, tell him.

    He could've introduced you as a girlfriend for a number of reasons, but usual one, in that scenario, is pressure. Introductions is something guys often think about when they just started seeing a girl.
    Spontaneouslemon's Avatar
    Spontaneouslemon Posts: 75, Reputation: 5
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    #13

    Aug 21, 2010, 07:25 AM

    All right guys, I have another one for you. This has been keeping me a bit flustered for some reason. Any help would be appreciated.

    Before yesterday, the guy called and left a voicemail asking me how a meeting with a guidance counselor went. He left the most adorable message, it was very cute and nice, and I was so excited to call him back. So I did about 30 minutes later when I got out of a meeting. He didn't answer so I left a pretty embarrassing message. I was distracted as I was driving so I left some pauses in there, I told him the meeting went fine and to call me back so we can talk. I initially didn't want to leave a voicemail cause all I was doing was calling him back so he would have seen my missed call and called back, but I was so caught up in the moment of being lost that I decided to leave a nice and longg voicemail about my being lost, leaving pauses, telling him briefly about the meeting, and telling him to call back so we 'can talk'. Don't know why I said it like that.

    Anyway, he texted me about seven hours later telling me he didn't understand the voicemail (bad reception). So I called him, as I was driving and didn't want to text. But he didn't respond.
    So I sent him a text once I arrived home, saying sorry and that I realized he might be at work. And explained that I just called to let him know that I got the voicemail and to call me back once he got the chance, and I told him he left such an adorable message, and that I may stop answering on purpose from now on...
    (he had said he thought my greeting message on my voicemail was cute as he left a message, so thought I compliment him on his cute message).

    Anyway, he texted back saying that he took the night off, and was exhausted from his day, and asked me how my day went. So we started talking. But we never mentioned my counseling, cause I figured he'd call me for it. But he never did. And he never said "all call you tomorrow" or anything. Also, he mentioned he was at home. So I'm confused as to why he didn't answer my call, or call me once I texted him, and basically told him to call me back (by explaining the voicemail).

    Anyway, we talked for a bit via text, and then I told him to tell me how the doctor's goes tomorrow, cause he was getting test results back. He said he would. And so he did later on that day, via text!

    Have I scared him off by my lack of voicemail leaving skills? Was it cause I said "so we can talk"? Or am I being completely and utterly over analytical and it's probably not even a big deal?
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
    Dating & Teen Expert
     
    #14

    Aug 21, 2010, 07:37 AM

    I don't think it was a big deal. You are reading too much into everything he says or doesn't say.
    Have you had the conversation about what your status is?
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #15

    Aug 21, 2010, 07:41 AM

    in my limited experience of the male mind,they don't normally over Analyis,phone messages, or random words used (girlfriend).

    if he called you his girlfriend,that's what he thinks you are,he did not say it for a laugh or to confuse you.

    as for the phone call/voice mails.let it go.

    he was at home,chilling out,its not a big deal.

    enjoy this time,enjoy the dating and spending time together,take a more relaxed attitude to the whole thing.

    your not even dating 2 months and already your head is muddled trying to figure it out.

    he was straight up about the sex and condom breaking,sounds like the type of guy who will be straight up about other things too.

    I doubt he will be scared off by a voice mail,however,pull in the needy-ness a little that's what might scare him off.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #16

    Aug 21, 2010, 08:29 AM

    That someone introduces you as a girlfriend can only be taken at face value, as many people do this and sometimes to only impress someone. A reason to be cautious and not carried away. I know your really thrilled and taken by this guy but keep it real, as its only been a few dates, and you better pay attention to him and not your own butterflies in your stomach.

    Not trying to throw water on your parade but a few weeks of dating is hardly getting beyond the stranger stage and you have a lot more to learn before getting more attached by having sex with him, whether he is clean or not.

    While you should be having fun getting to know each other better, don't just get blind with feelings and rush through the dating process because it feels good.

    Too much, Too fast, Crash and Burn. It happens all the time when we get carried away, and that's my caution. Yes do talk, and be straight why he introduced you as his girlfriend, because you should know what he was thinking, as that is presumptuous without discussing it, and I don't know why he didn't explain it at the time, or why you didn't ask at the time. That may be because you both are smitten, and careless and insecure. And maybe carried away at this point. I understand that believe me, its hard to control intense feelings that make you feel good.

    Talaniman Rules-Never assume that your feelings are shared by any one else.

    Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.

    Talaniman Rule- Doesn't matter how intense the feelings, or how much fun you have, never give your heart to someone you don't know well, and that’s only after the lust has worn off for you both.

    Talaniman Rule- Don't play games with your heart, and don't let somebody else play games with it either.

    Talaniman Rule- Never get so carried away by feelings that you can't see the facts.


    Talaniman Rule- Give yourself 6 months of dating and getting to know someone, before you decide together to be DATING EXCLUSIVELY, and having fun getting to know each other.

    You may as well just slow down, take your time, and enjoy the process, and let things develop naturally with out pushing. And sex makes the brain go mushy, so don't go there so soon, and don't be rushed into impulsive situations that you can't control, just because "it feels so right" Sex most always feels right, RIGHT??

    Any relationship, or dating situation is a risk, but you don't have to be reckless about it. Take care, and develop good honest communications, and make sure his words match his actions, and so do yours, and see how well you work together without the physical distraction of sex(LUST).

    This is the honeymoon period where its all good, but unfortunately, doesn't last. That's why you be careful, pay attention, and stay in control of your feelings, while your having fun.
    Spontaneouslemon's Avatar
    Spontaneouslemon Posts: 75, Reputation: 5
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    #17

    Aug 23, 2010, 07:18 AM

    Thank you all so very much for your responses. Sadly, it all came down to nothing.
    I'm pretty heartbroken right now. The reason why he hadn't called me back was because he was thinking about us. He called me yesterday and he explained that he feels that we're both in completely different places in our lives and as much as he wanted it to, he doesn't feel it would have worked out. He wanted to catch it before we went any further and before he would have had to hurt me even more. He felt that we have completely different schedules, I go to college, and he's a bartender, and we wouldn't get to see each other very much, and I still live with my mom, etc,.

    Certain things that made him uncomfortable were that I had to call my mom and lie by saying I was sleeping at a friend's house when really I was sleeping at his house. (We never had sex, just so you know)
    Whenever we would talk about shows or music, we often times didn't know who or what the other was talking about being that I'm 21 and he's 29 so obviously we've experienced different fades.
    Also, he stays up late and wakes up late, specifically because of his bartending (which is only 3 days a week, so we could have found time to see each other) whereas I wake up early, and sleep earlier. But that's something we could have worked on.

    My points to him were that:
    I believe that the problems we had are present in many relationships: Different schedules, different sleep cycles,. But relationships are about compromising for each other and people work on it.
    Second, many adults in their 30s, 40s go to school, and many people in their 20s even late 20s still live with their parents. I specifically live with my mom so that I can help her out financially and help her raise her 7 year old son. But I am completely financially stable enough to live on my own. And he knew that.
    So, I basically told him that these are issues we could have worked on, and people do it all the time.
    At the same time, if he knows that he won't be able to give 110% of his commitment then, obviously I have no interest of being with someone like that. Especially, if in the course of our relationship he would continuously point out the reasons we aren't compatible.
    I thank him for letting me know this soon, and for being honest and I told him that. But it still doesn't ease the pain.
    I felt that we were so compatible, our chemistry and connection was so intense, and I know that he felt that. Which he noted, and said that maybe we would cross paths in the future again. I said that thinking that way is unrealistic, considering that I or he will have or may found someone by that time, at which point we will have never known what we could have become. That reality scares me. I felt already like he was a close friend, which I think is so important in a relationship, plus our romantic connection was electrifying, and we constantly laughed when we were together. He would say things like "I feel like we could just order take out and stay in bed and talk all day and I would have a great time".

    So why would he not want to take a chance with us? His longest relationship has been a year and a half (mine was 4 years) and he's 29. So I'm wondering if he maybe has commitment issues? I mean some of the things he was pointing out, like the TV show thing or the sleeping cycle thing didn't make sense to me. It seemed like he found every little thing that would explain why it wouldn't work out when to me, they seemed like minor issues we could easily deal with.

    And about the crossing paths thing. I explained that in 2 years, I will be done with school and will have probably moved out by then. But that will be the difference: I won't be taking classes anymore, and I'll be out of my house. But I will be basically the same person, and will forever be 8 years younger than he is. He noted that it didn't matter. I will be at a different point in my life, and that I'm in a growing period right now where I'm discovering who I am, and I need to be taking advantage of that. Once I go through that phase, I will be at a similar point he finds himself in, and the age difference won't matter.

    He expresses valid points, of course, I agree. I most definitely am not going to count on the fairy tale "crossing paths" enchilada he so very well dreamed out. But I would like to stay in touch with him, at least to have a great friend. Cause I know that we would make great friends... eventually. He wants to stay friends, and I know he's sincere when he says that. We stayed on the phone for about an hour of talking and long silences. He said he felt like this was a break up even though we hadn't started a relationship, and he had never experienced anything like it. He also didn't want to end the conversation cause he didn't want it to be our last one. He very much wants to stay friends, although I think we both agreed that that will take time. I, for one, know that if I were to be friends with him anytime soon all that would be in my mind would be figuring out ways that I can land him again, and that wouldn't be healthy for either of us.

    I can't help but think, well what if I didn't say to him that "I probably won't have a social life this semester" because of my busy schedule (stupid right? ) or what if I didn't make it so obvious that I was calling my mom to tell her I was sleeping over at a friends house, when in reality he wouldn't have understood anything in the first place cause I speak in french with my mom! Or what if I expressed my feelings for him earlier, because I move at a slower pace than he does, maybe then he would have fallen for me had he understood I felt the connection as strongly as he did...
    I know this is all very unhealthy to me, and I understand that had I hidden all of those parts in my life I would have led a very restricted relationship in a way that he wouldn't know me as well as he should and it may have prolonged the dating and would have only hurt me more once he realized who I really was.

    God, this really sucks. So So much. So far, I've liked a guy who had a girlfriend, then a guy who may possibly have been gay (the actor, remember him? Yeah very possibly gay) and now a 29 year old who's in a different point in his life than me.
    My question for you guys is: Will I ever at any point in my life find a guy who is 100% AVAILABLE for me to be with??
    Will I ever find a guy as amazing as the 29 year old? He was just so mature, and so loving, and so honest, and so fun. Where do you find these people? In Philadelphia maybe? That's where he came from..

    I know I will get over it, but it's hard. Part of me wants to try and win him over again. He works at a bar, I go to often, I could stride over there in my best outfit and seduce him with my refined use of vocabulary, and a NY times in my hand. Would that even work?
    I know that it was difficult for him to do, so I feel like maybe he could change his mind. But, of course that isn't the healthy thing to hope for. He's right, I will be changing a lot now till when I turn 29. I also have all the time in the world, and have the luxury to make mistakes and try things out and see if they work, whereas he's kind of on a time line. I get that.
    IT JUST SUCKS.

    I'm sorry I've been ranting for so long. I just want to express how I'm feeling, and exactly what happened. And confirmation that we're doing the right thing by moving on would be great. Any advice, or anything would be great. I just need words of wisdom at this point. I know what's best, I know I probably know what I should do, but it's hard to think so objectively about the situation when I'm in it. And I need words from wise people like you guys to tie me back to earth and move on!

    I'm thinking: Take time to get over him (weeks or perhaps months) And then reconnect as friends. We'll make good friends, and staying connected means that maybe something will happen in the future if neither of us has found anyone.
    What are your guys' thoughts on this?

    Any words by anyone is greatly appreciated.
    Thank you so much.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #18

    Aug 23, 2010, 07:28 AM

    He just was not feeling you and he was honest enough to tell you. 21 and 29 you two are in two different places and you are just not the one for him.

    Your initial thoughts of trying to win him over shows the difference in your ages. This man was honest enough to tell you he does not want to have a relationship with you. You may have felt great with him, but he was not feeling that way. You cannot make someone feel for you if they don't. Your showing up at his bar would do nothing but irritate him and make him glad he cut you lose.
    You will get over this in time. Time to pick yourself up and move forward.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #19

    Aug 23, 2010, 07:34 AM

    For me,your post says he just was not that into you.

    He gave lame excuses and some valid ones,example,lying about your whereabouts to your mother.

    You will move on and you will get over this,let it be a lesson not to get attached so quickly.

    Don't think relationship,think dating,letting things unfold at a natural pace.

    There are thousands of single available nice guys in the world,who do want the same things you want.

    Your only 21,you have lots of time to grow and learn and have lots of dating experince,and as you get older what you in want in a guy changes,the basics remain the same though.

    Take a step back,and try and look at this experience from a different angle,what did you learn? What will you do differantly next time?

    What qualities in this guy did you like and add them to the list of qualities for the next guy you like.

    He has set a bar,now reach beyond it,aim higher.

    The next guy is always better then the last guy if you learn from the experience.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #20

    Aug 23, 2010, 07:51 AM

    You tried, and it was fun for a while but didn't work. No ones fault really. You just keep moving forward is all, and there is no hurry, and don't be discouraged as it gets better.

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