I am actually writing this for my husband, because I think the responses may help him. I feel that he needs outside opinions. My step-daughter is 21 years old. After high school, my husband paid for her to go to college. She skipped her classes, moved in with a guy and lied about it. After claiming to see the error of her ways, he paid for her to go to an even more expensive school that she said she could do better at. Once again, she flunked out and did not live on campus. This entire time she lied about where she was living and that she was attending classes. The conversations between them when any actual topic arises are horrible on her part. If he asks her any question about money, school, her living situation, she would scream at him and start talking ugly about him and I both. She blew a nice junk of money by doing that with the two colleges, which she never seems to realize at all. Currently, she is working, and he is paying all her bills. (car, insurance, phone, gym) She is still living with the guy (who doesn't bring in any income, and she will not even tell her father where she lives), and she says she has no money left for her bills. When he talks to her about her needing to pay them herself, she screams at him that he only gives her a certain amount etc. Then she goes into trash talking us both again. This is the type of thing that goes on any time he mentions money at all to her. After one of these conversations, where she screams to the point that they get off the phone, he then spends hours texting back and forth taking up for himself and me to her. Please give him your thoughts on what he should be doing differently.

Okey dokey. I am 23 yrs old. Married and loving it but I can relate to the situation. (cough cough my sister)

First off the problem is not only with the daughter but also with your husband. She cannot see the errors of her ways because she is young & niave and knows daddy's there for money. Your husband may say he can see the errors of her ways and most likely can but chooses to still help for the simple fact of nurturing his child financially. He may not agree with what she does but probably feels the necessity to help her anyway.

I cannot tell you how to act toward your child but if it was up to me, I would crack down hard. Understanding that she is a young woman who gets upset quite easily she isn't going to take this very well and expect a period of absence. However, I feel that in a situation like this, it is necessary. She needs to realize that she is where she is by her own actions. If she's not making enough money then hey get another job. Tell her bum of a guyfriend to get a job. She needs to realize that mommy and daddy can't be there 100% of the time.

As far as your husband goes, do you ever sit him down and talk with him and ask him why he continues to play this game with his daughter?


Let me know!
Rick

Sounds like tough love time. When did being responsible for the consequences of your behaviour go out of fashion? Another term-enabler-kind of springs to mind. It sounds like your husband is trying to be supportive but supportive of what and at the same time is enabling behaviour that needs to change. It sounds like irresponsible and self centered behaviour.
If the daughter is disabled or has physical or mental problems then more support is probably warranted but the daughter is an adult-at least age-wise and deserves the opportunity to stand on her own two feet without outside support. Time to phase out the support. Reaction will probably be extreme in the short term but it is only being done for the daughter's benefit.
If your husband finds it difficult to see the implications of what he is doing he should probably consider some counselling from a completely neutral third party like a professional therapist. Good luck.

Time to cut off all of the money, ALL, let her learn to make her own way.

Thank you all so much for your responses.. and yes, I have sat him down and talked to him... I completely agree with everything you guys are saying... For the record, I am not at all blind to what is going on or needs to be done.. however, my husband can

She is a big girl now. She's wasted too much of Daddy's money on college, and In my opinion Daddy should be asking for a refund on that.

Time to cut off the funds and let her learn how to stand on her own two feet. She's an adult who has made choices in her life. Now she has to be responsible for those choices.

It's going to be hard. She may not speak to you both for a while, but in time she will come around.

If you don't stop now, when will you stop?

She lies, blows money at not one, but two colleges that her father provided for, and still feels entitled to more. That entitlement attitude didn't happen overnight. Something drives your husband to be her personal banker and rescuer.

I imagine in high school that her demands were all met too, and probably long before that.

Why do you think she will change, and why do you think she hasn't.

After the first chunk of money at the first college, I would have realized that paying for college a second time was a huge gamble. The least I would have done was check to make sure her marks were keeping up, and if they weren't, I would have pulled the plug on the money flow. That could have saved him thousands in costs if he had just checked. Not to mention teaching her a very good lesson.

This is not a problem with the daughter, or her choices as an adult. This is a problem for the father to address about his own actions, and his enabling behaviour. While he continues to dish out, and take the abuse, she will continue to give it. Why does he allow that to happen. It's as simple as saying 'no', and hanging up the phone.

I have no sympathy for the aftermath of him wondering why she is behaving the way she is. Obviously she is quite capable of making her own way, and making her own choices, under her own steam.

He has to realize that as long as he's willing to accept the abuse, it will continue. When he descides not to take it anymore, it will stop.