My daughter is 14, almost 15 years old. I have been having problems with her for about 3-4 years now. I divorced her father just prior to this new development and have since re-married to a man who is total the opposite of her father.

Her father was always soft when it came to his kids, he allowed her to disrespect him and he was easily able to be manipulated by her, so that she could do what she wanted when she was with him.

Over this summer we moved across the country from her father, which she really did not care that much, since she really did not have a relationship with him. I believe the only thing she missing is being able to do what she wanted.

My current husband and I have tried over the past couple of years to make her respect us and be accountable for her actions. My duaghter steals from her step-sister, steals battieries out of the remotes and has taken money out of our wallet. (low dollar amounts) What she wants she will get by any means. We have not allowed her to watch TV dueing the week due to her failing three classes and have not allow any out of school activiites until her grades come up.

She states she is tired of us and her teachers nagging her and will not take responsibility for her failing grades... "her teachers are mean". She tries to make deals with us and her teachers so that she can get her eway and promises to get better.

She has already stayed back one year in fourth grade making her 8th grade right now, she has been told by her teachers if she dose not pick her grades up she will have to go to summer school and if she does not pass that she will be retained again, no exceptions.

She keeps making empty promises to shut us up and dose not want to hear it from us or her teachers when she shows no improvement. Her teachers are just about ready to give up on her, she is disrespectful in class and only cares about socializing... mostly with boys.

She is lazy, has to be constantly reminded to do chores, watches TV when she is not suppose to, donsen't hand in assignments that we have pretty much forced her to do, dosen't complete class work and has no remorse when she is caught in lies which is often. She will deal with the consequences because it will eventually be over and never learns after her punishment.

We are at a totla loss with her, she has been through counseling and currently under counseling... but nothing is getting through to her. Her response is to allow her to do things and she will get better, for us to get off her back and allow her to do more. I refuse to make a deal with her and told her that these things will happen once she shows improvement. She has been told that she needs to make the changes... and she feels we all need to change first.

What else is there to do? I can't afford boarding school, military school... private school won't take her because of her IEP.

Help... Please

You need to start talking with her and listening to what she has to say. Being constantly told what to do does get a big tiring for her if no one is listening to her. It seems she has no where to turn to where someone is not on her all the time pressuring her, not at home or not at school.

She's got to go to school, but apparently she's not interested. Taking away her TV is not punishment... it's torture for a kid. To kids 2 weeks is an eternity. Remember you were once a kid yourself. Think back and tell me if your summers lasted forever and now the years just whiz by.

Sounds like she needs a hobby or something she likes to do to help her focus. She is a typical teenager who is boy crazy.. so that else is new. If you don't repair the damage already done soon she's going to be totally out of control and you are going to lose her completely to her friends (who don't judge her) and boys (who will use her). Drugs will be very alluring to her also soon.

You did not mention if you and your husband had been to counseling. This could very well prove to be the key. If you don't know what you're doing wrong you certainly can't fix the problem she has as she's just the child and you are the parent. She didn't get like this overnignt and she's not going to change overnight.

Do you sit down with her and talk privately with her or just nag, nag, nag, pick,pick, pick at her? She obviously needs your loving mom attention... not mom the nagger, picker, expect me to be perfect. When was the last time you two prepared a meal and had fun doing it? Making some pies or cakes?

When was the last time just you and she went say shopping for the afternoon, had lunch together, and just had some fun? Probably not in a while from how I'm reading your post. You are deeply frustrated as well.

Yes, she does miss her father being laid back to her antics but short of having her in a place where she is literally locked up her life seems to be just a tad short of that right now from your description and she is rebelling and will continue to rebel until everyone starts talking.

I read both of the above statements and I understand completely. It is great to know that you are not alone. I have a daughter the same age and married someone other than her biological father a little over a year ago. I have had trouble with my daughter for a lot longer period, but it just seems to keep building as she gets older. We do have a GREAT mother/daughter relationship as long as she does not have to be responsible for anything. We go to movies, make dinner, etc. We have a girls night at least every other week while her stepfather is gone at work.

Yes, I get the boy-crazy. I was that way too, but it's not about the boys that I'm worried. She is told that she needs to do the dishes, for example, and that they need to be done by the end of day. She is also told that if they are not finished that she will be grounded from the phone until they are done. She seems to not care that there will be a consequence and decides not to do the dishes. The next morning, I remind her that she is not allowed to use the phone until the dishes are done. She will throw a fit, cry, and then proceed to sit down in front of the television for the next 2 weeks, pouting the whole time about how it's not fair that she can't call her friends. Each time I remind her that all she has to do is finish the dishes, but she refuses until every dish in the house is dirty and then I have to pull out the heavy artillery and ground her from everything to make sure it is done. It's ridiculous!!

What do you do with a child like that? How do you convince her that she is choosing her consequences and help her to make good choices so that she can have more fun and so that we don't have to handle all of the stress that is caused?

I read both of the above statements and I understand completely. It is great to know that you are not alone. I have a daughter the same age and married someone other than her biological father a little over a year ago. I have had trouble with my daughter for a lot longer period, but it just seems to keep building as she gets older. We do have a GREAT mother/daughter relationship as long as she does not have to be responsible for anything. We go to movies, make dinner, etc. We have a girls night at least every other week while her stepfather is gone at work.

Yes, I get the boy-crazy. I was that way too, but it's not about the boys that I'm worried. She is told that she needs to do the dishes, for example, and that they need to be done by the end of day. She is also told that if they are not finished that she will be grounded from the phone until they are done. She seems to not care that there will be a consequence and decides not to do the dishes. The next morning, I remind her that she is not allowed to use the phone until the dishes are done. She will throw a fit, cry, and then proceed to sit down in front of the television for the next 2 weeks, pouting the whole time about how it's not fair that she can't call her friends. Each time I remind her that all she has to do is finish the dishes, but she refuses until every dish in the house is dirty and then I have to pull out the heavy artillery and ground her from everything to make sure it is done. It's ridiculous!!

What do you do with a child like that? How do you convince her that she is choosing her consequences and help her to make good choices so that she can have more fun and so that we don't have to handle all of the stress that is caused?

OK, I too have read all of these posts and I have to say as a father, I do not understand what's going on. My wife is a no nonsense person as am I. we also have a 14 year old (almost 15) with the same text book problems. I have for all my life been accountable for my actions, my teen (I think) believes that for some odd reason she is not... my logic is as follows, no anything phone,computer,games or boys until the attitude and school gets to where it should be, did I mention I have 3 more girls? 14,9,5,2 and I do not believe that this example of how to behave is acceptable, I have tried to reason myself, used over 7 therapist (crock of crap) everyone wants to hold hands and empower her?? What the F***?? No way!! We tried nice we've even tried bribing (do this and you will receive) and nothing...
I believe the needs of the many out weigh the need of the few, I see thing in black and white, in the real world things are the way they are... give attitude to your boss (for no reason) and get fired!!

I am starting a different approach I'm tired of being a prisoner in my own home not being able to go to the corner without wondering what will happen.

I am the son of a retired US Army Drill Sargent, and I loved my upbringing it was no nonsense but very fair...

I believe if she wants to ruin her life then go ahead... but not in my house, logic is the key I have explained myself to death...

We are about to emancipate her and let her go with the condition that once the door closes it remains closed, this is the hardest decision we have ever made... but I am left with no other choice.
I will file for restraining orders for my other children for their sister and so be it... I know this sounds harsh but so is the real world...

Anyone have any better ideas?? Did I mention that this has been going on for 4 years??

OK I've read what you guys have said and now I need some help to
I'm 17 and am the girl you are kind of descriping my mum is with my step dad who came into our lives shortly after mum split up with my last step dad ( my father is out of the picture by my and my brothers choice and we don't see the last step dad when mum marries this one it will be her third marraige) she split with him because he was abusive and controlling to us and now with this new guy I can see it happening again
He says its my attitude and yes it may be part of it but it seems like anything that gos wrong is my fault I have seen him start a row with her because she took my side but suck up for him as well by saying I should do what I'm told by him even if it doesn't make sense ut asked him why I had to do that

I have spoken to my friends about it and they said I should leae and become estranged from her but I can't I love her so much but don't know what to do I don't wan t hurt her but me and him can't get onno matter what he is so controlling I don't go out to see my friends and he has inrtoduced this new rule tha he will check my room to make sure it is clean evryother day if its no done I'm grounded until it is when I try to talk to her he intrepus and get s in vloved even when I just trying to talk to her on her own

So please help me how do I stop this with out leaveing and hurting her I don't want them to split I just want her to be happy but am worried he will hurt her (not pshically though ) my little bro sees it to but we can't do anything to stop it she just doesn't see what we are aying plase please please help us!!