Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    DearAddaline's Avatar
    DearAddaline Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Jan 31, 2008, 12:13 AM
    My adult son won't speak to me/us.
    35 years ago I was a single mother with 3 kids. It was hard. Their father was an abusive drunk. I divorced the drunk and married a man who I thought would help me raise my kids. He did so financially, but was an overbearing and demanding stepfather. The kids rebelled and eventually left home as soon as they were able. I was always very close to my only son who was an artist (like me), very sensitive and valued relationships more than anything. Three years ago (he was 41) he stopped talking to me... he initially said it was because I voted for George Bush (I had a traditional belief that it was Not a good idea to change presidents in the middle of a war). But he also stopped speaking to everyone in my circle of family/friends - his sisters, uncles, friends, step-siblings - even if they were radical left wing democrats (much of my family and friends are!). He's a school teacher but always had a unique (artistic?) way of looking at the world. Here's the bazaar part... the only person he speaks to is his biological father who abandoned him as a youth and who he's been trying to connect with all his life (drunk or sober)... (father hunger?) But that doesn't explain why he won't speak to ME. I've called, emailed and even went to his workplace with one of my daughters. He was friendly enough, and sounded happy, successful (but distant) but I have no clue why he won't speak to me. I've pleaded with him to talk to me... tell me if I did something wrong... hurt him in some way?. and he just is clammed up. I'm afraid if I push too hard he'll change his email address. He never answers the phone when I call. Before all this happened he was a loving and attentive son. I always encouraged him to be honest with others as well as himself. Everyone adored him. He was the favorite son, the favorite uncle, the favorite everything. He's now broken about 20 hearts of those of us who were close to him and who loved him deeply. Was he brainwashed? Mid life crisis? Should I beat down his door? He won't give me any closure on this. He won't give me a reason. He just doesn't want a relationship with anyone who was in his life. He was great until he turned 41, 3 years ago. We're all heartbroken. Live and Let Live? If it were only me, I would try to understand what I did wrong... but it's EVERYBODY in my life. What should I do? It would be easier (not preferable) for me if he died... awful as it sounds... at least I would know why our relationship ended. His stepfather (who supported him for 25 years) now has altzeimer's disease. I emailed my son about it - thinking he'd want to break the ice and "come home." But he did nothing. I'm ashamed of my son... he's inhuman anymore. Please give me some suggestions... I'll try anything at this point. It's just not normal for someone to change their personality so drastically overnight. I'll never get over this. I'm shattered beyond belief.

    I have several friends who have adult children who stopped talking to them for various reasons (and they were loving, conscientious parents)... what's going on?? What should I do? I miss my son.
    onlinecounsellor_Dale's Avatar
    onlinecounsellor_Dale Posts: 20, Reputation: 5
    New Member
     
    #2

    Jan 31, 2008, 02:07 AM
    Gee, my heart really goes out to you. The void and ongoing hurt caused by your son's rejection of you (and the family in general) must feel overwhelming at times. Your post leaves no doubt as to the love you have for you son and the many attempts you have made to reconcile and to understand his current estrangement from you.

    You mentioned that your son has reconnected with his biological father. Is it possible that he may be battling some of the same issues as his dad, such as alcoholism, and that this could partly explain his identification with his dad and his reluctance for contact with your side of the family?

    Would it be an option for you to contact your son's biological father? I understand that there is a lot of past history and hurt which may make it difficult to do so... yet he may be able to shed some light on the situation with your son. At the very least you will get to gauge whether your ex is contributing to your son's alienation by his attitude towards the estrangement.

    Have you sought any counselling for the grief and loss which you are dealing with? I'm thinking that the extent of your loss (i.e. the 'loss' of your son and the loss associated with your husband's illness) may warrant it. Something for you to consider anyway.

    Kind regards
    Dale
    MasuBhat's Avatar
    MasuBhat Posts: 128, Reputation: 3
    Junior Member
     
    #3

    Feb 5, 2008, 09:03 AM
    IF YOU CAN'T talk with your son.. than why not get the what's going on information from his close mates?.

    Best wishes,
    DearAddaline's Avatar
    DearAddaline Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #4

    Feb 15, 2008, 02:59 PM
    I don't know what happened to the other responses, but I did end up contacting my son's biological father and talking with him about my son's rejection of the family. I also emailed my son with a desperate "why do you hate me" in the subject line I was shocked to get an email from him saying essentially, "I love you as much as anyone in my family but I have no heart connection with my family anymore ..... please leave me alone and get on with your life and be happy. I am". This is so bizarre. I'm thinking he's in a cult. He was always the most sensitive and kind hearted person in the family and was repelled by any situations of abandonment or non-communication. Now for some reason he's really connected to his horrible bio father (although he sounds nice now, he's 68 years old). He wants us all to pretend he's dead and have nothing more to say (or feel) about him? This also includes adoring nephews who were 6 and 9 when he dumped them as well. Can someone convince me this is normal? How can a mother (or a family) grieve for the loss of someone who isn't dead physically, but is dead in spirit... because he doesn't feel llike having a family? Where do I go from here? My heart aches. I've written to him begging him to give me an hour, face to face, to say his good byes so I can let him go with a little assuredness instead of shame and rejection. I haven't heard from him. He doesn't "feel" anymore. Is there a cult that strips one of their emotional core? Thanks for your help !
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 39,354, Reputation: 5431
    Jobs & Parenting Expert
     
    #5

    Feb 15, 2008, 03:16 PM
    My suggestion is to give him some space. Your emails may be making him feel guilty, especially for seeking out his bio father, plus they reposition you as a martyr, not a loving mother who wants the best for her son.

    Also, I'm wondering if he is thinking of this as a black-white situation. By that, I mean if he loves you, he cannot love his bio father, and if he connects with and begins to love his bio father, he can't love you and the rest of the family who think so badly of his bio father. For your son, it may be an either-or deal, either you or his father. Right now, he has chosen his bio-father so you are out of the picture, a picture that both of you have not been in for a long time.

    If you email him, be positive and chatty about your life and even supportive about his connection with his father. The man now may be a recovering alcoholic in A.A. and have reclaimed his life. If not, your son will realize that eventually. Meanwhile, be brave and encouraging. And be a soft place for him to fall if he falls. (No "I told you so"s.)

    I'll keep you in my thoughts that this will all work out to your entire family's benefit.
    LUV4UandMe's Avatar
    LUV4UandMe Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #6

    Dec 25, 2008, 01:29 PM

    Were you Ever able to contact your son. I TOO am going through the same thing. Today is Christmas. My heart is so aching. Today my other children came, for which I so grateful, but I kept my pain inside. They too can not get him to call us back. I have not had any words with him nor has his siblings. He just seems to have walked away from us. He is a great guy and has lots of friends. Becoming success in the music industry. He isn't a druggy. He's almost 30. I love him sooo much. Please can you tell me if you were able to make contact with your son??? Anyone have any suggestions??
    catherinetodd's Avatar
    catherinetodd Posts: 16, Reputation: 4
    -
     
    #7

    Jun 13, 2010, 11:00 PM
    My son is almost 40 years old too, and hasn't spoken to me in over four years, ever since I discovered he is an alcoholic like so many in my family. I just don't know how this could have happened; it is just awful and I'm sure has played a large role in his divorce and inability to maintain a relationship for more than 4 years with a woman. It just breaks my heart and I always blame myself, but how am I to blame for genetics, if that is what it is? A mother always wants the best for their children... no matter what has happened in the past.

    My son also reconnected with his biological father, after I spent years tracking him down, who then told him "I prevented him from seeing him all these years." What a lie! But my son believes whatever this man says, and nothing I say or did. I raised him as a single mother and it was extraordinarily hard. I never had a return address for his biological father and had to spend money tracking him down for my son. That man did absolutely nothing for my son and wouldn't see him until after he turned 19 years old (so he wouldn't have to pay child support, I'm sure), but he is "Mr. Wonderful" now and can apparently do no wrong. I can do no right. I understand how you feel when you say it would be "easier if he had died" as at least you would understand why you were cut off. I can't for the life of me understand why my son hates me so much. I worked so hard to take care of him when being a single mother was pure hell. I don't know what to do, either. Emails may get a one-line response, and nothing more no matter what I write. He's cut off his adopted father who stood by him all these years. It's the craziest and saddest thing I have ever had to face. There is nothing to compare with losing a child who is still alive and rejects you for "reasons unknown." But it seems to happen all the time. What can we do? PRAY PRAY PRAY and wait with patience and more prayer? God keep us all safe and sound...
    catherinetodd's Avatar
    catherinetodd Posts: 16, Reputation: 4
    -
     
    #8

    Jun 13, 2010, 11:00 PM
    My son is almost 40 years old too, and hasn't spoken to me in over four years, ever since I discovered he is an alcoholic like so many in my family. I just don't know how this could have happened; it is just awful and I'm sure has played a large role in his divorce and inability to maintain a relationship for more than 4 years with a woman. It just breaks my heart and I always blame myself, but how am I to blame for genetics, if that is what it is? A mother always wants the best for their children... no matter what has happened in the past.

    My son also reconnected with his biological father, after I spent years tracking him down, who then told him "I prevented him from seeing him all these years." What a lie! But my son believes whatever this man says, and nothing I say or did. I raised him as a single mother and it was extraordinarily hard. I never had a return address for his biological father and had to spend money tracking him down for my son. That man did absolutely nothing for my son and wouldn't see him until after he turned 19 years old (so he wouldn't have to pay child support, I'm sure), but he is "Mr. Wonderful" now and can apparently do no wrong. I can do no right. I understand how you feel when you say it would be "easier if he had died" as at least you would understand why you were cut off. I can't for the life of me understand why my son hates me so much. I worked so hard to take care of him when being a single mother was pure hell. I don't know what to do, either. Emails may get a one-line response, and nothing more no matter what I write. He's cut off his adopted father who stood by him all these years. It's the craziest and saddest thing I have ever had to face. There is nothing to compare with losing a child who is still alive and rejects you for "reasons unknown." But it seems to happen all the time. What can we do? PRAY PRAY PRAY and wait with patience and more prayer? God keep us all safe and sound...
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #9

    Jun 14, 2010, 01:21 AM
    This post is old, December/08, and the original poster has not returned.

    You might consider starting your own question.
    Fake123's Avatar
    Fake123 Posts: 1, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #10

    Aug 12, 2010, 10:26 AM
    I find some of the answers from parents in similar situations to be surprising. I don't want to make you feel bad, but just to be aware that your theories and proposed explanations of your children being distant to you do not relate at all to the reasons I myself am distant to my parents. I am only typing this to make you and more importantly to the people who found this thread through Google like I did. These kind of theories would further alienate me from my parents if they said them to me. It would confirm their disconnect and misunderstanding of me.

    Seriously, fornexample one of you suggested that your child may have joined a cult to explain away the reason they gave you. You were all young once too, so when did you all become out of touch? Your child gave younthe reason why you have become estranged, so ask questions to get a further understanding of that explanation! Don't dismiss it as him being brainwashed! If you want to understand your children, then you must listen to them and REALLY understand why they are saying what they say. You will never have a hope of understanding your children if you don't even listen when they talk. And you aren't listening unless you force yourself to understand what they are saying, force yourself to relate to their viewpoints EVEN IF YOU DON'T agree with them! To understand your children you may have to change your viewpoints on many things, but that's OK because once younundeerstand their viewpoints you will still be able to decide if you agree with them or not. AND you will have a better understanding of that point because you will have truly seen it from two angles, not just yournprevious one alone. If you can't effortlessly discuss with a stranger the subjects and opinions of your child, the you don't understand your child and you didn't even try to. You dismissed your child because you chose not to understand them, thinking you were right and they were wrong.

    I look forward to the day I have children if my own and I can understand them, try to see the world hownthey see it and truly feel and understand why they feel about things. I would want to truly understand their view about things before I offered my own view. I hope to have true debates and discussions so we can help shape each others view of the world and so we know we can truly trust each other.

    So your son emailed you, gave you an opening and you dismissed him as being in a cult. What should you have done? You should have said that you were unclear about what he meant but that you really want to understand it, so you would like some clarification. If he's willing to tell you why you are estranged, then he will probably be willing to clarify what he meant if you were to give him an honest plea for that clarification, as innyou let him know that you HONESTLY want to understand what he meant.

    Sorry, the n key on my touché pad keeps getting pressed and going back ton correct the mistakes sometimes erases everything by accident. I'm still trying to get used to this thing as I am used to toying very fast on an actual keyboard.
    dgt1234's Avatar
    dgt1234 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #11

    Dec 23, 2010, 01:35 PM
    You know, I have had the same issues, with my oldest. He wants me out and that includes me not seeing
    Grandchildren etc. Said that because I had been beaten while previously married, that I'm basically
    Damaged and wants no contact with me. My current husband and I are both Christians, and have gone to
    Counseling years ago for this as well as my son did. We are not in that state any longer, so I have tried
    To call, and e mail, no replies, I had 2 other friends' that this has happened to, I don't know if they're
    Seeing therapists that are telling them to do this, but it's not right. I will not contact him anymore until
    I hear back from him. Mind you, I am no longer married to the person that did this to me, but that person
    Did apologize for this. My son's wife also wants nothing to do with me. The last time we saw them it was with
    Her family, again hardly anyone spoke to us, I feel as though I'm on a witch trial here.
    Anyway, my advice is move on with your life,volunteer, or maybe adopt a family for the holidays, God can
    Change people, but they have to want to change.
    Devasted's Avatar
    Devasted Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #12

    Jan 10, 2011, 12:20 PM
    I feel your pain. If it wasn't for my son and my hub I just might call it a day.My son has been turned against me since he was 17. I got divorced when he was 15.My younger son and I moved out, about 2 blockes away. . He stayed in our family home. Sadly it gave my vindictive ex the opportunity t0 brainwash him. My sisters stepped in thinking they were his mother. They stepped over the line. I have been writing, sending gifts,texting but to no avail. At least you have your family. My sisters and I no longer speak. I have no more family. I cry at least 3x a week to the point of looking like Rocky Balboa. (swollen eyes) The hardest was not being invited to his high school or college graduation. I went anyway.My sisters were all sitting with him and my ex. . I sat way in the back with my other son. I cried for a week over that one.
    I wish I could help you. I wish I could help me.I know I will die without ever reconnecting with my son.My heart will never be the same.
    Devastated
    Devasted's Avatar
    Devasted Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #13

    Jan 10, 2011, 12:23 PM
    Comment on Devasted's post
    BTW, I was always a great mom with lots of love. Spent all my time with my sons. All my friends are shocked at how my son has turned on me.
    Devasted's Avatar
    Devasted Posts: 11, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #14

    Jan 10, 2011, 12:25 PM
    Comment on Devasted's post
    PS I also spelled Devastated wrong!!

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search

Add your answer here.


Check out some similar questions!

A 20 year old son who won't speak to me [ 11 Answers ]

I was a young single mother, I have 3 boys 20, 17 and 10. They are my life. I sacrifced so much for them and love them very much. Recently I have had a lot of problems, I am losing my house to foreclosure and money is tight. My 20 year old is in college and works, but I pay his car insurance...

3 year old son who doesn't speak [ 27 Answers ]

I have a son that will be turning three on 4/23. He doesn't speak that much. He says words like "stop", "ouch", "bye-bye", and "thank you". He can count to ten and he tries to say his ABC's. However these words are not that clear. If you don't really know him, you wouldn't understand what he...

3 Year Old Son Does Not Speak! [ 21 Answers ]

Hi, I have a 3 1/2 year old son, and he still does not speak. He says "no", "dop" (for stop). And "ow". Nothing else. He has never said mama or daddy or anything else. He understands everything we say to him. He follows instructions (i.e. "put it on the table" or "throw it in the trash"), but he...

Adult Daughter Won't Speak to me. [ 41 Answers ]

She's 43 and has not liked being around me for years. She seems to be jelous of me being happy. She likes it when I'm completely helpless, like after surgery she took me into her home. She's married has 4 children and lives an afluent life style. My husband and I visit three times a year. They live...

My 27 month old son can't speak yet [ 16 Answers ]

My son is 27 months old and can’t speak. The only time he can speak is when I point a picture on a book, and there is only 10 to 20 things that he can say, barely clearly though, mostly easy words like “mama, dada, car, ball, duck…. He is good in better in other areas like motor skills, and walking...


View more questions Search