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    smorrison2693's Avatar
    smorrison2693 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 27, 2010, 09:26 AM
    BF cant get an erection during sex but masturbates all the time!
    My Boyfriend on 3 years who just turned 31 and I'm 23 Can't keep an erection during sex.For the past 6 months I have caught him masturbating all the time.He even masturbates in bed while I'm next to him sleeping.We haen't had sex in over a month because he can't get or keep an erection.Also when he does keep an erection he cannot get off .But I don't understand why he can get off while masturbating.He watches porn but does not have to watch porn to get off.. We have talked about it over and over and nothing gets resovled. He has even gone to the doctor for this so called problem but the doctor says everything is fine... This problem is making me not want to be with him anymore and I can't take all these emotions anymore! HELP!
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #2

    Apr 27, 2010, 09:40 AM

    What type of porn is he watching?

    How is he masturbating? IE, is he going at like he is trying to kill it? Or is he smoothly and lightly rubbing one off. It might be that he is used to his penis being used in a certain fashion, dollars to doughnuts that he is strangleling the poor thing, and the stimulation you're giving him isn't the same.

    He might need to do slow down on the masturbation, as well as use the finger-thumb rule. Don't overlap your finger and thumb when you masturbate, they should just be touching.

    He just might need to retrain his penis.
    Amplerumble's Avatar
    Amplerumble Posts: 1, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    Apr 28, 2010, 06:33 PM

    Being a guy myself, I can say that my sexuality is pretty intimately tied with myself esteem. The (thankfully) few times that I haven't been able to perform as well as I'd hoped (whether it is due to alcohol, not being in the mood, or for no identifiable reason at all) I really felt horrible. I would guess that the first couple of times his inability to get an erection was due to him being tired from the constant masturbation, but now he is so embarrassed and self-conscious that there is no way he can relax enough to properly perform, unless he is by himself where he can be totally comfortable.

    Since you've been to a doctor and he gave your boyfriend the all clear, its very likely that the issue is psychological. Bear in mind that talking about this with him will be an extremely sensitive subject, but try to sit down and ask him to stop masturbating for a week or two. If he truly gives it up for that amount of time, it should give his sex drive a chance to reset. It certainly won't be easy, but make it clear to him how its making you feel and that he risks losing you if he can't change.
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #4

    Apr 28, 2010, 06:59 PM
    One of the problems with lots of masturbating and porn is that guys get too used to the feel of their own hand.

    They know exactly what to do and what feels right to get them off.

    In the end, with some guys, nothing else will get them off, because the sensation and stimulation is not right.

    Solution? Stop masturbating. He has to desensitize himself so that he wants to get off, but he has to do it with you, inside you.

    It's like a 'bad' habit that he got into and he needs to break the habit.

    Is the relationship with you important to him? Does he want to learn to enjoy sex with you again? Well he has to make an effort!

    He has to stop talking, keep his hand off his penis and retrain his brain.
    smorrison2693's Avatar
    smorrison2693 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Apr 28, 2010, 10:03 PM

    Thank you all for your input! It has really helped me.. I have sat down and talked with him many of times and just tried again tonight. And let me tell you the conversation is not that pretty.. He admits to having a problem but in all honesty I don't think I have enough self esteem left and am so self conscious that I don't think I would be able to have sex with him again. All off this has made me feel that he is not atracted to me. Im so confused because he seems to think that things will get better. But he told me that even when he does get an erection during sex he has never gotten off. I feel lied to and betrayed. I have no trust in him. But I don't want to leave him. I do love him and he does love me. I feel so many emotions that I don't know where to throw something,break something... how do I know when its time to give you and leave??
    Gemini54's Avatar
    Gemini54 Posts: 2,871, Reputation: 1116
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    #6

    Apr 29, 2010, 01:29 AM
    Well, it's up to you to decide if you stay or if you go.

    Remember that this is HIS problem not yours, I'm not sure that it has anything to do with you being attractive, sexy, etc - he's just addicted to his hand and you come a poor second.

    He has problems that he probably needs to go to counselling for.

    Do you care about him enough to stay?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #7

    Apr 29, 2010, 06:23 AM

    Remember this is HIS problem not yours, he has an addiction and you are suffering. He needs to stop watching porn and stop masterbating and he will be able in time to start having a normal sex life.
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
    Adult Sexuality Expert
     
    #8

    Apr 29, 2010, 07:19 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by smorrison2693 View Post
    All off this has made me feel that he is not atracted to me. Im so confused because he seems to think that things will get better. But he told me that even when he does get an erection during sex he has never gotten off. I feel lied to and betrayed. I have no trust in him. But i dont want to leave him. I do love him and he does love me. I feel so many emotions that i dont know where to throw something,break somthing... how do i know when its time to give u and leave????
    Love isn't enough. It is a good part of a functional relationship, but it isn't the great stabilizer that will make everything turn out in the end. Sorry, but Hollywood has lied to you. The fact that you have said that you have lost all trust in him tells a lot of where you mind is going.

    Chances are his sexual habits aren't linked to you or talents and abilities. It comes to a point where you are doing all that you can. What it sounds like is that he is used to getting off in one particular way, and you can't simulate it. He is projecting this problem on you and you are letting him do that. From the information you have given us it sounds like you're a reasonably competent lover. It isn't really your fault.

    It honestly doesn't sound like he really wants to change. It sounds like he is happy were he is and expects you to change for him. So in answer to your last question: how do I know when its time to give u[sic] and leave? Up to you. Do you see a future? Are you delaying the inevitable in the vain hopes that everything will turn around and be the perfect relationship? Are you staying together because you would rather be defined as 'dating' then 'single'?

    Only you can answer those questions and only you can decide. Sorry to say. My advice and opinion is to cut and run. There is a myriad of reason to do so.
    KathrynS's Avatar
    KathrynS Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    May 1, 2010, 09:33 PM

    Maybe overstimulation (as someone said, he's used to himself... ) He may need to cut off the self-play for a few days and see if that helps. I know we had that problem (but reverse) and going without a bunny for awhile put me in good shape when the real one came along.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #10

    May 2, 2010, 07:03 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by smorrison2693 View Post
    I feel lied to and betrayed. I have no trust in him. But i dont want to leave him. I do love him and he does love me. I feel so many emotions that i dont know where to throw something,break somthing... how do i know when its time to give u and leave????
    Love isn't enough when the rest of the relationship is not working. He has a problem. Obviously, he has had it for a long time and hasn't done anything to get help. Instead he has made it worse.

    IF you think you can learn to trust him again, talk to him about counseling and talking to his doctor. It may be a masturbation problem. It could be another health related problem that has been masked by a masturbation problem.

    IF the trust is truly gone and he is not helping in all areas to build the relationship, then stop reacting and start acting in your own self interest. Leave him to himself. Heal and move on. It won't be easy and it will be painful, but no where near as painful as staying in a broken relationship and cutting yourself on the pieces as you try, by yourself, to put them back together.
    smorrison2693's Avatar
    smorrison2693 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    May 3, 2010, 05:57 PM

    Wow all of the answers I have received has helped in its own way! I want you all to know that Im giving it one more shot. He says he wants to work it out and is willing to go to counselling and stop with the lies! Thank you all!!
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #12

    May 3, 2010, 06:03 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by smorrison2693 View Post
    Wow all of the answers i have recived has helped in its own way! I want you all to know that Im giving it one more shot. He says he wants to work it out and is willing to go to counselling and stop with the lies! Thank you all!!!
    Good luck. :)
    Features's Avatar
    Features Posts: 1, Reputation: 0
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    #13

    Jan 27, 2012, 05:53 AM
    Tell him to stop being selfish and stop wanking! PORN has a lot to do with the problem.. tell him if he rather sit on his backside watching porn than being with you then he can do it for the rest of his life and see how he likes that. If he's more turned on by watching other women, then tell him YOU need to find a REAL man to satisfy your needs. If he's hurting you by doing this then teach him a lesson. My boyfriend masturbates whilst I'm next to him, but he is completely focused on me!. sometimes in the morning I'm tired cause I'm 5 months pregnant so I just relax and let him get on with it.. If your boyfriend is in his own world whilst he's getting off then he is thinking about something else entirely. Look in the history bar of you computer/laptop and find out exactly WHAT is turning him on so much that he can't even have normal sex any more.. porn should be a fun treat every now and then for partners to enjoy alone or together. Just remember, its NOT you it is him. He has let this go to far.

    Hope things work out

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