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    nanna_b's Avatar
    nanna_b Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 12, 2010, 08:09 PM
    My adult daughter is using drugs and I need help
    My oldest daughter is using drugs. She has admitted this to me. I have raides her 8 year old daughter, and only returned the child to her this past summer. There was no custody battle. My daughter felt her child was better off with myself and my Husband. After I let the grand-baby go to live with her Mom and mom's new Husband last summer, I began to suspect there was something wrong. I have taken my Daughter to a family counselor, who advised her to seek further drug counseling. I do not like her Husband and feel that he has no business "spanking" my Grandchild. If anyone is going to discipline the child, I feel it should be her Mother at this early stage of their marriage. I am at a loss for what to do next. I have tried reasoning with my Daughter, to no avail. If I mention something the child has told me, then the child is punished, and I am told the child is lying. I had this little girl for the first seven years of her life, with Mom in and out of the picture as a visitor. I never talked badly about her Mother in front of her. I am told that there are not any inpatient programs for my Daughter. She is getting Medicaid. She works, but her job does not offer insurance. I do not have the means for a lengthy court battle, nor do I want to put my Grandchild through one. I cannot discuss any of this with my friends as friends have the "My child would never do any of those things " attitude. Just need some friendly input.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #2

    Apr 13, 2010, 03:07 PM

    There are two issues - one is your daughter using drugs. I would contact a local chapter of Al Anon for support and advice. People will know better what is available in your area.

    The second issue is the spanking of the 8 year old. Nobody should be spanking that child. If it's serious you may need to report it to social services, as you have no authority but they can look into it.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #3

    Apr 14, 2010, 10:07 AM

    It sounds like your emotionally strong bond with both your daughter and your granddaughter is getting in the way of boundaries here.

    While I respect the fact that you were essentially your granddaughters main caregiver for 7 years, the parenting duties by you came to an end when you agreed to giving her back to her mother to raise.

    Like it or not, your daughter is married, and it is her child. Discipline is between her and her husband.

    If you keep stepping in, they will likely alienate you. You should not be taking your adult daughter to counsellors, she should be taking herself.

    I wouldn't be grilling the child when she is with you, as obviously there are consequences to that. Unless you witnessed how they disciplined her, you have only your granddaughters opinion on what happened.

    If there are issues of physical abuse, gross neglect, or emotionally damaging signs of poor development in this child, you might want to tell your daughter that you feel the need to report them accordingly.

    If there are serious issues, contact the CPS to check things out. But, from what you've said so far, I don't get the impression she is in any danger.

    The mother's drug use- what is it exactly, and what are the addictions- heroin, prescription drugs?

    She is likely capable of making her own decisions to get into counselling/rehab, but it is her choice.

    My advice to you is to keep a watchful eye on your granddaughter, but don't prompt her for information on her parents. If you note bruising etc. or if she offers information that leaves you with serious doubt as to her safety, then by all means first speak with your daughter. She is the parent here.

    It would be a shame that they would cut you out of their lives, but I suspect that if you carry on as you have, they will.
    nanna_b's Avatar
    nanna_b Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Apr 20, 2010, 09:28 AM

    I appreciate input from all. I do not ask my grandchild anything. She volunteers information every time she visits. I suspect part of it is adjusting to her new environment. I think I could be fine with the change if I saw more of an effort on the part of her Mother and Stepfather. I will continue to watch the situation and am always on lookout for any suspicious marks on the child. I am hoping that time and communication can resolve some of theses issues. I will not hesitate to report any suspected abuse to the proper individuals. I am trying to allow my Daughter the freedom to make her own mistakes. I cannot step in and solve every problem that she has, and she must learn to seek counseling etc, on her own.
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #5

    Apr 20, 2010, 09:48 AM
    You are doing the right thing. You are a good mom, and your efforts will not go unrewarded.

    I'm hoping that with you allowing some distance between yourself and your daughter's husband, that may too work in your favour. If your daughter feels that you won't judge him or criticize him, she'll open up to you more.

    That would be a wonderful thing.
    dontknownuthin's Avatar
    dontknownuthin Posts: 2,910, Reputation: 751
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    #6

    Apr 20, 2010, 03:23 PM

    I have mixed feelings - you are not the mother and don't have custody, so in normal circumstances my advice would be to just be the grandma and butt out of your daughter's home life. On the other hand, you parented the child for many years so your involvement in her life was invited at a very elevated level. Also, to me, when drugs and abuse are involved, the boundaries are far less important.

    A good friend of mine just reported the parents of her daughter's best friend to social services due to similar circumstances - drugs and physical abuse of the child, even though that child is in high school and far more able to take care of herself than a grade school aged child. I feel it was the right thing to do - the mother is now in residential treatment, the former live-in boyfriend is in jail for narcotic traffing and this young lady is now in counseling and living with her aunt and uncle in a much more safe and stable environment. Not a bad outcome at all.
    dgreg1's Avatar
    dgreg1 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Oct 4, 2010, 02:00 PM
    No listens anymore when concern is genuine whee do you go, the mother is often adept at covering things up and making social serviecs think everything is OK
    When a chilsd starts wetting themselves uexpectatedly and never done it efore surely there are warning signs do we wait until the horrific happens I'm screaming for help what can I do
    Delta757's Avatar
    Delta757 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Dec 4, 2011, 02:04 PM
    This message is to "nanna b" you have a every right to be concerned... you have raised your grandaughter for 7 years. Do not let anyone discourage you on what your feelings are about this situation! You may not have rights legally but you are her grandmother and you have a right to speak up. I am in the same situation but worse. My daughter is not married she is divorced and has 3 daughters and I have just found out that my daughter has lost her job and is back on drugs again. Her exhusband is back out of prison and I suspect the drugs are coming from him. She cleaned up and went to rehab for the past 2 1/2 years but now since her ex has been out she is back on the same track. You trying to question her concerning your grandaughter and her being on drugs is not wrong but at least she admitted the drug problem to you so on that she deserves some credit. My daughtr won't admit that she is back on drugs again, but I see all the signs. If your daughter alienates you she will need you soon and come back to you, I know my daughter does it all the time. She does it to hurt me and so I will not see my grandaughters and she does hurt me but it does not stop me from seeing them. I visit them at their school during their lunch and just to see how they are. I do not talk to them about their mother I just casualy ask how things are going and how they are doing. My grandaughters voulunteer information all the time and so I just document and go on. When I talk to my daughter or when she decides that I am her mother once again... I then can see and tell in our discussion whether she is telling me the truth or lying to me about anything. I never tell her what my grandaughters tell me, they too will get punished if she knows they share information with me. But everything eventually comes out in the open because I catch her inaction then she can't deny it!! So don't get discouraged, stand up for what you believe and care for and that is your precious grandaughter and your daughters well being. Your daughter needs to want to help herself and she need to tell her husband to ease up on the discipline and leave that up to her. He should be able to help some but spanking her is not his place. Just be on full alert all the time and report any suspected abuse if there is any. And make sure you document time, date,etc... Hope all goes well and I pray that your daughter gets the help she needs.

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