Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year now and we live together. I have a 3 year old and they absolutely adore each other. I couldn't ask for better support when it comes to that. But when I comes to the sexual part of our relationship it has been almost non exsistant for about the last 3-4 months. When we first got together we didn't have sex until about a month and a half into our relationship but when we did have sex it was perfect. Not to often not to little. But in the last few months we have sex maybe 2-3 times a month and its only because he's drunk. He says he's emberessed about his stamina and that if he's sober he's a minute man (which I have never experienced... if anything it's a little long for my liking). He has this porn collection that puts most men to shame. He's got about $600+ in dvds, about 50+ magazines, and his phone constists mainly of pictures and videos. Now I am very pro porn but there is also a limit to how much porn one needs. Don't get me wrong I watch porn and masterbate my fair share but he turns me down to masterbate to porn. Hell sneak it in while I'm downstairs watching TV and he's "going to bed", he's admitted to watching porn @ work, and pretty much whenever I'm not around. I will admit I have gained almost 15 pounds since we started dating but his previous serious girlfriend was way heavier than I am. I not fat or anything maybe a little chubby but he insists that I'm gorgeous and he loves having sex with me. But when it comes down to it, he's always turning me down saying its to late or whatever the excuse may be. He treats me like a queen most of the time and for the most part our relationship is strong. This situation has almost broken us up a couple times and I'm running out of options. Why would he rather watch porn than have sex with me?

In reality you won't find a real answer here on this site. You will find that you need to talk to him about it in a non-judgmental sort of way. He may be discouraged by something, or have doubts or worries about his performance. He may actually have a problem with you (don't let this your only thought process), or he may have other issues.

There is also the possibility that he is a porn addict. In either case you need to tell him how you feel, and also ask him why he doesn't want to have sex. There is more to a relationship than sex, so don't let this discourage you no matter what the outcome.

Good Luck

I have talked to him a few times about this and every time he says he is going to fix things and work on it. And nothing ever changes. We have a great connection and a strong relationship but this problem is much bigger as time goes on. Sex isn't the only thing about relationships but it is impotant. I do think he might be a porn addict but every time it comes up he says " why is it a problem now? It never used to be a problem before." And I always tell him it was definitely not a problem until I started being replaced by it.

Porn addicts will seek porn for sexual pleasure before they seek human interaction. Sometimes they can't even get excited over the real deal. Don't accuse him of anything, just ask why, and what he needs to fix. Tell him you don't understand and it hurts you to see him stressing over this. Be as sympathetic as possible until you really know what's going on, and he will be less likely to push you away.

Porn is easier ,there is no wooing or romance,its just short and sweet taking care of business.It is the lazy way to get your rocks off.

Try seducing him,not with words ,just simply get him aroused and tell him all he has to do is lay back and enjoy the ride.
See if that helps.

Have him get aroused by the porn and then take advantage of the erection.

You might also want to do some role playing and discuss what his fantasies are and what your are as well.

Sex need not always be a serious hour of cuddling and foreplay,sometimes just a roll in the hay for fun is all one needs.

Ask him what he wants sexually and make him show you what his hot spots are and how to stimulate them.

He also needs to understand that his over masturbation may be killing his real sex life with a person and he needs to understand you have needs as well and part of a healthy loving relationship is being there for your partner.

I have tried seducing him wearing the sexy skimpy little outfits he has bought me in the past, I've tried talking to him I've tried everything. Today I talked to him about it again and he once again said he's going to change and make our sex life better so we will see how it goes I guess.

I think that the overuse of porn - and that may mean different things to different people - can desensitize men to 'real' sex. As Artlady says, it becomes easier to do the porn and masturbation thing because it's less effort. Taken to the extreme some men just can't get off with anything else but their hand and nothing else will do it for them any more.

Watching porn at work is concerning - firstly he's not doing his job, and secondly what if he gets caught? Watching porn all the time when you're not around is also concerning, what is it that he's trying to fill, by spending all his spare time watching it?

Perhaps the approach at this stage is to back off and do some talking.

I suspect he's got something else going on here - and the porn is just a symptom. Is there something else that he's unhappy about, is he feeling inadequate about something to do with his job or profession? Is he bored and restless with his life in general?

My sense is that you need to get talking to him, not about your sexual relationship but about what's going on in his head, in his heart and in his life.

I want to thank everyone for there input. I honestly didn't think anyone would reply or even care. Thanks a lot you guys are great

Come back often, hopefully on a better note.

Good Luck!

I think there are things at play here you may not be aware of... as I can think of a few you never mentioned.

You do have a 3 year old... and between that and work stresses its likely to have effected things.

Has he even had a real physical lately? Young kids being kids... has a way of jacking up someone's blood pressure, particularly if he has a stressful day at work and comes home to a house with... well, kids being kids. Basically no real quiet time to unwind. Basically the stress end of it.

Could have bloodsugar creeping up.. etc.

Lots of things NOT related to porn.. or how you look. Or even how you act towards him. Lot of mechanics (body functions) at work for a guy to be able to perform. Look at it like all the mental hurdles a woman has to jump to have a good orgasm.

AHHH you have a BF who is addicted to porn. And I'll bet if you were to answer honestly if porn is a problem you would say yes. Basically he has masturbated long enough to porn that he can not get any sexual gratification any longer any other way. Unless he is willing to get professional help your best choice is to get rid of him. He will not change. Maybe he cannot change, who knows.

Again with the porn addiction fixations some people have...

There are a lot of OTHER things that cause this as well.

Threads merged

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now and I actually posted. Something on here before about him always watching porn and not wanting to have sex with me. It eventually came down to the point where I had to leave him until he promised to delete all the porn off his phone and to stop watching it if he wasn't going to have sex with me. It started to go better for a couple months but last week I went to check my email and his was up and started checking his by mistake. Once I realized it was his I went to sign him out and noticed some porn email and decided to check it. Turns out while we've been dating he's signed up for 3 different adult match sites such as newbiebudes and hornymateches and whatnot. He never entered his info like he was looking for someone to hook up with he just signed up for the newsletter and free stuff and whatnot. I looked through it some more and found out that before me and him ever got together he was trying to meet girls online just to hook up with on all sorts of different sites- craigslist adultfriendfinder etc and some of the emails that I read were pretty dirty and it seems like he hooked up with some of these girls from these websites. He's the sweetest most respectable man I've ever been with but this side of him I think is disgsuting and pathetic. I myself have a strong sex drive and like some pretty kinky stuff but when it comes to meeting complete strangers on the internet for a one night stand just grosses me out. Plus there's the fact that he still doesn't want to have sex with me that often. Id say maybe 3 times a month if that. He has 1000$ worth of dvds over 50 magazines and regularly looks at porn on his phone. His phone used to be filled with porn and have only a couple of pictures of me on it which I found really offensive. He used to look at porn at his work but he's been recently laid off so he has no access to the internet except on his phone. I know he's not cheating on me he's always home and not doing anything suspicious ever. I just don't know if I can look at him ever again without seeing those pathetic emails. He's a gorgeous guy who trust me would never have a problem finding a date. I'm just baffeled of why he would resort to that kind of stuff. I also saw a wish list he had created on the website he buys his porn dvds from and its almost 5000$ worht of dvds and some of them are pretty weird. He has an fetish he's told me about but when it comes to opening up about sex that's all he will really say- "I'm an man" that's all I get out of him. Any thoughts?

Woow. His addicted to porn like a f*&ng addict. If there is no harm done will then try to help him get out from that addiction. If he was a sex addict he would have sex with you everyday and that's not even enough, he would go and have sex with any one he sees. But the sound of it his just addicted to porn, you should Google that and find a way to go and help him. I know for a fact that his not a sex addict, his a porn addict believe me, people can get addicted to porn and you found yourself one. "Lucky girl" JP

Now that these threads are merged, it does shed some more light on your situation. The more information you provide, the better and more accurate picture is given, and the better to help you.

First off, shame on you for snooping through his e-mail. Curiosity doesn't justify the invasion of privacy. Don't do that again.

Moving on.

The Porn thing is a little worrying, you shouldn't be that focused on it. That being said the most concerning part is the Craig's list, adultfriendfinder, and other sites. It shows that he is doing/planning something. I wouldn't say that he is planning on cheating on you, but I think he is fantasizing about it. Will these fantasies eventually be acted out? Who knows.

There could be two views here:
1) He isn't a fan of mainstream Porn. The fake tanned, faked titted, fake lips, air brushed, and blonde dyed porn stars who star in the vast majority of Porn could not be doing it for him. He could realize how unrealistic these are, and how, even if they would have sex with him, it wouldn't be anything close to fulfilling.

I don't have nearly the collection he has, only about 600-700gb, but I can guarantee you that precious little of it is this type.

What he could be doing is exploring the amateur, or natural scene. He could be generating more vivid and explicit fantasies that centre around these people. Something more complex than just wham bam thank you ma'am.

2). He could be planning trysts and going to as close as he dares to you cheating on you. I am not saying that he is. I would be concerned about it.

So what do you do at this point. You snooped his e-mail. Use the information to talk with him. Apologize for the invasion of privacy, but bring up what you found and how it makes you feel. Don't accept the "I'm a man" from him. It would be this point that you should figure out if you REALLY want to stay with him. I think this could be salvaged, but I also think you wouldn't lose much by cutting him loose. I would give it about 50-50 to be honest.

Also. Make sure, and watch him do this, that he deletes all the pictures of yourself off his phone. Once something gets on the internet it is there forever, you won't be able to get ride of it.

Now some of those emails MAY be spam... unless they come addressed to a username. And they will be clear that they are or not. And the username will not be associated with the email account name... yeah I get some of those emails... no I never asked for, signed up at or joined them. So unless then come addressed to say "I-M-Horny" and his email account is "DullDude" it depends on exactly what is in them.

Now UI have a good collection to... but its all on a hard drive and I didn't pay a dime for any of it. And no I don't even watch them every day either. Hard drives are cheap... its easy to have what years ago would be a huge collection. And it is easy to download 10 gig of porn in just 24 hours these days. And spend nothing more then the electric to run the computer.

Specific details can turn a simple statement to mean two opposite things depending on exact details.

You mention he's laid off... there is a 3 year old in the house...

Both of those are stressors and will kill a guys libido, paticularly if he gets a "drift" of what he may interpret as hostility... mind you the key is what HE perceives as hostile... he's likely feeling down from being laid off, so most likely he will be hypersensitive.

Now if he is registered at one of those sites... if he was actively contacting other real people... thats a whole different ballgame. Having a porn collection is one thing... interacting with others while in a marriage is another. I won't defend or condone interacting with other people sexually inside a marriage unless its allowed by mutual consent.

I am in the same situation but my man is much older, 64. I caught him at it the other night and he tried to tell me I didn't just see what I thought I saw. I saw him on the sofa and I saw the porn on the TV because he didn't have enough time to change the channel. Like you , we used to have a great sex life but it was only in motels because we didn't live together and even when we did at first it was okay. I have put on about five pounds which I am working off and so I didn't think that could be the reason because all men find me attractive and desirable. I told him I was hurt because I was in the bed naked so how could he prefer that? He got all mad and said don't go there. He has been sleeping on the sofa a lot over the past few months and claims it's because he doesn't want me to go out there because of his snoring and he does have a point. Now I'm wondering if there is another reason he wants to me out there. I emphasize with you and is nice to know someone else is going through this. This has become a problem and I feel like he's not attracted to me anymore and if that is the case I will leave because I will not stay in a relationship with no sex. I'm not suggesting our situations are the same. At least you still make love regularly. My man denies watching porn to the extent of trying to convince me I didn't just catch him in it. At least yours admits he watches it. I agree with the others, this indicates another problem and that's how he's dealing with it. But if a man doesn't want to talk about it you can't make him. All you can do is be understanding. If you can't accept it then you have to go to plan B, leave. If you love him this might be difficult but I am considering it myself. If he keeps saying he's going to fix it he will always keep saying that and if he is addicted to porn then that explains why he would rather watch it than be with you. It's hard to know what to do, but whatever you do try to be patient and not attack him with words.

I am going through the same thing but my man is much older. When I caught him he denied it and that was insulting. I agree that watching porn is easier. Maybe he's worried about how he will perform or maybe there is something else going on. Try to talk to him with patience and understanding but if he keeps saying he's going to fix it that is just an exuse and will probably never happened. He needs to tell you why this is so and not make excuses.

I know this question/answer thread is from awhile back but I'm curious what happened. Did it get better? Did things change?

Chances are we will never know. Usually once someone has their issue dealt with they leave and never grace us with their presence again. One way or another this was dealt with.

Kudos for recognizing this was an old thread. Though I can't help but think there is a issue of your own you're curious with. Why don't you post it as a new thread and we can help you. We don't bite. :-)