I am just not sure what to do. Basically my oldest son, 42, refuses to have any contact with me and I just don't know why. It started in September, and continues now though he did call me New Year's Eve. I was outside watching fireworks and missed his call and he didn't leave a message. He didn't call back, so the day after New Year's I called and left a message on his cell phone saying I was sorry I had missed his call. He hasn't called back. For Christmas I visited my younger son, 41, who lives only about an hour away from them. He had thought for sure his brother would drive down for Christmas Day, so I brought their presents with me (he lives with his girlfriend of 12 (or so) years). We, the younger son, his wife and my grandson (almost 2) had a nice Christmas, even though we missed them. It seems strange that the older son has never met his nephew even though they live so close. I live on the other side of Florida, about a three hour drive.

We, the older son an I, have always been close and he has always been there to help, up until September. I had a rough four years, losing my Mom, three months later, my husband, the next year my father and then in July my 'significant other'.

My only real clues are

1. He met his father over the July 4th holiday - the first time he has seen him since he was around 13. (we divorced when he was almost 4, (rock band scene) and I raised both the boys by myself).

2. When they placed Bill, (S/O) under hospice care in May, my son and his S/O came over and stayed a week, offering support and love.

3. The end of July when Bill died, my son refused to come over, saying the brakes on his van were bad. Even when I offered to rent a car he still refused. My younger son, wife and grandson came over for that weekend and saw me though it. The older son said later that he had 'arranged' it.

4. In September I went to South Carolina to visit my two sisters, on my way back, the older son wanted me to stop and stay the night. I asked if they were sure and they assured me then wanted me to stop. It was a long drive with bad rain the whole day, a 9 hour trip along with my dog and no stops for food or rest. When I arrived, they had already started 'happy hour' and poured me some wine. After a bit I asked or something to eat - they had cheese and crackers. Then my son said he wanted to do Karaoke, and told us to change, even though his S/O said she had dinner ready to cook.We didn't get home to after one am, I was exhausted and when their arguing and fighting continued (from the bar) I couldn't take it, and loaded my dog and suitcase into the car and drove back across the state. He called my cell phone, cussing, said I had left the gate open and their dog had gotten out. Later they found out he hadn't and was hiding in the bedroom - they called the next afternoon and told me.

5. About two or three days later, I had a voice mail on my cell phone from my son's S/O asking how I was and to let them know. Then another voice mail came up - from my son, with the most awful sentence a mother could ever hear - that he was going to devote the rest of his life to making sure the rest of my life was f- up. (Insert a lot more f's for the full impact. After a week of hysteria and crying I finally called him and left a voice mail asking what it was all about. He called the next day- never mentioned his voice mail, but was very polite and courteous. We talked a few more times in October and early November, same polite and courteous - but not quite the same as before. I exchanged a few e-mails with his S/O about Christmas presents - I wanted to surprise him with new brakes for his van- but she felt it would make him mad.

A few days later I forwarded to his S/O an e-mail from my sister with cute pictures of little boys titled "Why boys need parents", the third picture of a cute red-headed boy she said reminded her of my oldest when he was that age. I received a very confusing e-mail back, with Happy Happy as the heading, and something about being 'real'. Within another 15 minutes I received another e-mail from her saying that they were "used up" and to find someone else to 'use', she also said something about a "cute 10 year old red-head that they were very proud of" It was very confusing and I did not respond, not knowing what to say.

They only contact since then was the New Year's Eve call.

I am 68 and just don't know what to do. My younger son feels that he is under pressure financially, and that may be the cause. They (the two brothers) communicate at least weekly through e-mails and mostly about work. Personal stuff, my younger son says, is never mentioned.

I am so tired of worrying about them and crying and feeling hurt, but just don't know what to think or do.

Marie

So you go on, text him once in a while, leave a few messages and let it be his problem,

You can not make him do anything,

I see several issues,
1. his father coming into his life
2. drinking
3. he may not be able to handle death

These may or may not be major factors but they are things that stand out in your post.

In the end of the day, adult children and parents often get into issues over the years, Sometimes they come back together, sometimes they don't,

All you can do is leave the door open

So, as a mother, this is something I just cannot 'fix'. I tried to write an apology, but it's hard when I can't figure out what I might have done.

Guess this is one of those times when you have to "let go and let God" - just hope and pray.

I'll try just leaving a voice mail once every 3 or 4 weeks and wait - maybe--
Thanks for input - it really helped.

Honestly, it sounds to me like your son has a drinking problem. Also, a controlling problem.

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this junk - especially during the holidays. But, this might be one of those times that you employ "tough love."

He's acting like a spoiled child and you need to be the parent that refuses to succumb to his temper tantrums. I wish I had better advice, but I'd do what Fr_chuck said and keep trying with minimal contact.

... and I'd add lots of prayers.

Be there for your younger son, too. Sounds like he's doing all he can to keep his family going and maintain communication with you. Love on your grandson and try and not focus on your eldest's negativity.

Best of luck. Keep your chin up. :)

You will have to presume, that he has a problem, thus the distance with all his family members.

He may have thought he could hold it together when you visited, and sincerely wanted to see you, but what you saw and experienced via the emails that followed was likely the tip of the iceberg in my opinion.

Don't accept blame, or go looking for reasons. He needs to come to you. If he is comfortable with the odd phone call or email, don't take it personally, and don't try to read between the lines. You'll drive yourself nuts.

I hope he comes around, and 'normal' relations can carry on again.

I think you hit the nail on the head. He really wanted me to come and thought he could make it work, when it didn't, everything came apart. All of you are making me feel so much better, I was taking it personally and trying to figure things out.

I now realize that only he can change anything and all I can do is wait, be there for him and hope and pray for the best.

Thanks

Marie

So true. I think it's important as well to encourage your son to get his drinking under control. That might seem like salt in the wounds but I get the feeling that he is conflicted about how you feel. He may be comparing your relationship with your other son to his with you and those are things you can't control. You can let him know how much you love him and that you want him to open up with what is going on. Keep on loving him, but keep yourself safe. I think the main problem here is his drinking.

There is a trememdous difference in how my two sons live their lives. Was never a problem before but when Enzo was born they lived in San Jose CA, but moved last January back to FLA. Never a problem before but could be a major one now. The older son will probably never have a son, his S/O is older and her two children are in their late twenties (with major problems). There maybe a problem with my enchantment with my grandson, which didn't really come up till the holidays were getting close. Will have to be more aware of this.

You can't be held responsible for another person's behavior. Your son sounds as if he vacillates between sanity and a strange sort of rage directed at you. It also sounds as if his SO is deeply embedded in supporting his behavior.

Write him a letter. Just let him know you love him and that you're unsure why things are strained at the moment. Let him know that if he needs you, he has only to call.

Then leave it at that. Send the occasional email with updates on what's happening in your life and allow him to deal with his stuff. It's his stuff not yours. Try and enjoy your life and don't take it personally - we can't be all things to all people.