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My boyfriend won't let me see him naked or touch him
Me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 8 months now, he is 21 and I'm 22, he still won't let me touch him sexually or see him naked, he is fine with touching me and enjoys it as much as I do, but he won't have sex with me or let me near that area. We have talked about it, he puts it down to his anxiety but I don't think that's it. I have shown and let him explore every part of me and I want to do the same, I feel we are missing out on connecting in a sexual way. I love him so much and he loves me, but its hard to think of the future when I don't know if he will change. Has anyone else come across this problem I really need some advice on what to do, I try not to think about it, but more and more it is starting to upset me, I don't blame him but I need some advice on how to help and hopefully solve this problem. Also he did have sex with someone 6 years ago and didont like it, he hasent tried since.
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Hello Wow: I'm sure he's a great guy, but he's damaged sexually. You ain't going to fix that. If you can live in a sexless relationship, stay. If you can't, go. excon |
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Guess my first thought, don't laugh, are you sure he is a guy. Not a lady living as a guy. But it sounds like he has serious sexual issues, what does he say about it, will he consider sexual counseling |
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Traumatic sexual experiences at 15 can mess a boy up badly. You might be able to help him work through it but he may need a professional therapist. Both would be optimal. |
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 Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
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Geez, you haven't seen him naked? Does he look like he's got all the necessary male bits when he's got his clothes on? Does he look like he gets an erection when he's fondling you?
It's very unusual for a 21 year old guy not to be 'getting naked' with you at any opportunity... I also wondered might he be gay? In any case, he needs professional help, I would suggest. There is probably very little that you can do to 'help' him - but the best thing you can do is let him know you're unhappy, and that unless he deals with whatever his issue is, you won't be hanging around. It is ultimately in HIS best interests to deal with it - whatever it is! |
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Thanks guys, he knows I get upset about it, its getting to me more and more, I love him so much and the thought of leaving him kills me, he is the first guy I've had a proper relationship with and have falling in love with. I just want a normal relationship. The thought that he might not be a guy is quite disturbing, and how do you ask someone that? I have never felt an erection from him, though he sais he can control it,can guys actually do that is it just an excuse? He has all the cards I just don't know what to do, I have opened myself up completely too him. I guess ill just have to talk to him about it and see what happens, ill keep you posted, anymore advice would be much appreciated. Also I've seen pictures of him as a kid and met his parents, he sure has looked like a guy for all his life, I don't think he's a girl. Just has issues |
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I have a couple of thoughts:
He may be male in every way except genitalia. How would you react if you found out that he has female genitalia? Would he still be the same man that you love? He could be completely male but suffering from some type of erectile dysfunction (either mental or physical). What happens if you try to touch him? What bothers me is that it seems to be a control issue as much as a sexual issue. It sounds like he is controlling not only himself, but you. His 'enjoyment' may come not in the act but rather the with-holding or being 'dominant'. His 'gratification' may come later when he thinks about how he 'made' you 'perform' for him. |
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If I try and touch him he moves away really quickly, he won't let me near that area, even above clothes,surely if he had female parts his parents would know, and they tried to buy him condoms? I might try tellling him that I want him to know what I feel like I'm not sure he fully understands how hard it is for me, that the person I love won't let me touch them. I might try not letting him touch me, not as a spitfulll thing, but to let him know how I feel, I really want to bring it up again but I'm scared he won't try and will see the only solution as ending the relationship, I know that maybe that would be better for me, if noting were to change, but I can't bare the thought of not being with him, ahhh I just don't know what to do . |
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You definitely need to have a talk with him. Does he show any 'controlling' behaviors in other areas of your relationship? Maybe influencing the clothes you choose to wear, who you hang-out with other than him, where you go on dates, etc. It may be extremely subtle like every time you suggest hanging out with a certain friend, he comes up with a reason not to such as he made plans for just the two of you. He may say that he prefers to see you in certain clothing and, if you wear something he doesn't like, tells you that you look better in his choice. |
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Personally... my opinion here, run don't walk away from him. Time is wasting and he has major issues to deal with that may take years if not the rest of his life to resolve (if ever).
There are better guys out there without major issues like this. You will be happier with one of them. You don't want or need a major project like this. |
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Originally Posted by wow87
Whatever the issues are - this guy has MULTIPLE issues and love alone won't resolve them. Sure you can talk to him - by all means do - but in the end there is something seriously wrong with him and it's seriously affecting your capacity to relate to him in a normal way. Unless HE IS prepared to face it and deal with it, there is not much of a future here regardless of how much you love him. |
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Ahh I'm still trying, I have talked to him about it and basically said if something doesn't change then its not going to work between us. The thing is we are sooo in love its crazy. Im hoping the risk of losing me will make him want to change, he knows I will be there for him and no matter how long it takes I will be there. As long as things do change. The thing is, this is crazy but I love him so much I can't imagine not being with him and the thought of not being with him upsets me. Even if we arnt having sex, maybe its worth it, I don't know, I just hope something will happen soon, its so frustrating because there is nothing that I can do.
Also about the future thing your right, how can I think of our future, when there is a massive hole in our relationship. Everything else is perfect. We we shall see. Thanks for the comments |
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Good luck! :) |
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Is there a possibility that maybe secretly he might be gay, and maybe he does enjoy being with you and having your company perhaps just not with the sex. I think the other underlying feature might be that he might have something he doesn't want you to know or see. |
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Originally Posted by wow87
I haven't seen a thing posted that indicates love... but everything I have seen posted points clearly at lust. Love is built on a solid foundation and a real relationship. Lust on the other hand is all about what you want now... it ignores everything real love is based on. Thus real love will last while lust WILL fizzle and burn out. |
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Why don't you just wait until he sleeps and then just casually rub your hand over his crotch to feel if there is something there. At least you will know. And you can even pretend to be asleep and moving in your sleep. Hahaha. No seriously, why not? |
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There is a dysfunction here. I understand your love for him and your belief that he loves you as well, but if he loves you, why is he unable to honestly address the problem causing distance in your relationship. I am going to agree that this relationship may very well have issues that will take years to a lifetime for this boy to deal with. You may have to make that difficult choice, unless you get some honesty. |
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Wow that has to be a little scary. Maybe he is just insure with his body. Can you post a picture of him so we all can see him |
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Originally Posted by Lknight2010
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