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    eric_langs's Avatar
    eric_langs Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 17, 2009, 10:02 AM
    My girlfreind wants a break,after her mothers death
    Me an my girlfriend have been in a relationship for around 7 months.
    We moved really quickly within a month we where living together. At first it scared me an I was skeptic that it was the right thing but she was sue she was truly in love with me.
    In the beginning of Oct. We went out of state for my cousins wedding I was her Man of honor.
    2 days after we arriced we got the message her mother had fallen ill possibly a stroke. The next day they said her conditions we getting better an that night she was awake.
    Well a few days later she became unresponsive the day of the wedding while I was in the church preparing. She calls me saying she has to leave to go home.crying and upset, I ask her to come to the church to talk. When she arrives I ask her to please wait till the morning an I would go with her. She gets very upset so I tell her the is enough money in the car to make it back home but she would be leaving me an a friend in a hard situation to get home because it is a 1000 miles away. She ask for some extra money an I knew that I didn't have much to spare so at first I said no,then I felt bad so I daïs OK but pleaded that we wait till morning and all leave together.
    She agreed and left the next morning. Her mother never woke back up we where at the hospital everyday for 2 weeks watching her mother depend on life support She passed away.
    An my girlfriend is holding a grudge toward me, that I didn't do what I should have, that I should have made her leave sooner. Its been 3 weeks since her funeral an she told me last week that she loved me but was not in love with me. And she wanted a break because she cannot grieve her mothers death yet. She has a daughter and I have become very attached to her which makes it so much harder. We first tried the break a few days ago.
    It lasted a few hours and she wanted me to come back. A few days later I was upset because I felt she didn't love me an I didn't know how to understand my situation. An so I decided to give her the break. Last night was our first night apart on the break but I was with her up until I took her an the little one home for bed. An she had not changed her mind she still didn't want me their.I don't understand how can she want a break but still want to talk an me to be around until its night time.So today I decided that I cannot handle being a toy to have around when needed that I was going to cut off all talk an contact possible.. Am I making the right choice here? She says she loves me and doesn't want to loose me an wants to get married someday but needs space right now, her daughter ask me why I am leaving an I cannot tell her the truth. She thinks I am having to leave on Army business.. I told my girlfriend I loved her more than life itself an would do whatever it took to make us OK again that I would fight to make sure she knows I love her.. But I feel like my soul has been ripped from me I feel hollow an I feel pain where my heart should be.. am I doing the right thing or is their something else I can do... should I expect the end?
    amicon's Avatar
    amicon Posts: 6,066, Reputation: 1911
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    #2

    Nov 17, 2009, 11:40 AM
    She's grieving-her mother has just died and she must be feeling a lot of guilt for not leaving to go to her mother's side that same day when you talked her into waiting until the following morning.
    I'm not surprised she needs space.
    She asks for your support to talk to but you apparently are not willing to be there for her on her terms.
    She could probably do with grief counselling and as for you I suggest take a look at your priorities.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
    Family & People Expert
     
    #3

    Nov 17, 2009, 11:47 AM

    Respect her wishes and leave her alone.

    She will contact you when she's ready.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #4

    Nov 17, 2009, 11:47 AM
    Your girlfriend is trying to come to terms with her mothers death amd the fact she listened to you and not her gut... you got upset because she NEEDED to go to her dying mother and you WANTED her to wait..

    Frankly if it was me id have left you there,with no remorse..

    You may love her,but you were not willing to help her and listen to her and be there for her when she NEEDED you the most.

    All you did was put pressure on her to pander to your needs.

    Id leave this women alone to find a man who is more considerate and has more feelings for her then what change is in his pocket and his friends lift home.

    If you think you can man up and be the type of man she needs I would do whatever she wanted,plus get on my knees and beg forgiveness.
    2ndTime's Avatar
    2ndTime Posts: 191, Reputation: 12
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    #5

    Nov 17, 2009, 11:53 AM

    Tell her you love her very much and will wait for her when she is ready for you. Whether the relationship will continue or not it will be her decision, all you can do at this point is to support her decision to grieve in privacy.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
    Marriage Expert
     
    #6

    Nov 17, 2009, 01:15 PM
    I am probably going to be a bit harsh.

    I think you need to read your question as though someone else wrote it. I think it may help you open your eyes to just what she is going through.

    Is her father still alive? Does she have any siblings? Is she the one who has to deal with her mother's final affairs and estate?

    Even if she didn't feel guilty about missing what might have been her last chance to say "I love you" to her mother or hear those words, because you didn't want to miss the wedding or be put out, it has still been only three weeks since her mother died. She is going to be on an emotional roller coaster that designers can come nowhere close to creating. She also gets to deal with a small child asking where grandma is and when is she coming back.

    You may feel like your soul has been torn out. Hers has been.

    You can't handle feeling like a 'toy'. I highly doubt that is how she sees you right now. Everyone in her life with the exception of her child is probably getting the same mixed messages of need, fear, anger, etc. It is called grieving.

    I am going to suggest that you read the Bereavement Forum:
    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/bereavement/

    It might help her too if you care to show her this site.

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