I took 9 in about an hour. I took 5, got a shower, then took 4, because I really wasn't sure I wanted to risk that much. I knew I shouldn't and was kind of afraid I might not wake up because I don't know how much is enough to kill you (not my goal), but I was upset. Part of me wanted to punish myself and part of me wanted a break from myself and my thoughts.

Last time I did this was a week ago when I took a cocktail (3 tylenol extra strength, 3 alieve, 2 asprin). That was because I was in cramped living quarters late one night on vacation with family and it set off my germ anxiety. I was also upset because of the lack of privacy and personal space-I'm not a big fan of crowds.

I usually do it when I feel like a horrible person. Either because of something I did, past or present, or because something reminds me I'm not happy with myself.

When I did it two nights ago it was because someone died recently who everyone loved but me due to something that may or may not have happened in the past between us. It made me feel horrible for almost getting him in trouble when everyone else thinks he's an angel, and I still don't know what really happened because I was 12 and confused and lost what I thought happened very quickly. I was upset that I almost hurt someone without all the facts and that I'll never know what really happened because he's dead and he's the only one that would know what happened, if anything.


And my cramps are no longer really an issue as I started birth control a few months ago. It seems to have helped.