I have been dating this guy for about a 2 years now, it started so amazing, I fell in love with him in no time, but since we met, a lot of problems have come up. His jealousy and possessive nature comes through in a lot of ways. He has become very angry at me for wearing v neck shirts or anything that could possibly reveal even the slightest bit of my chest because he is convinced that other guys are checking me out. He probably would prefer that I wear a turtle neck year round. Seeing me wearing shorts at home makes him think I wear them outside and that same thought runs through his mind and he gets even more upset. I decided to stop wearing those shirts out to make him feel better and assured him I wouldn't wear them outside, but one day he saw me wearing a v neck shirt with a camisole underneath and has since then lost all trust in me because even with the camisole I was cutting it too close. He becomes tormented by thoughts of guys asking me out during my childhood even though he is my very first boyfriend and insists that I make his life miserable because of it. He becomes upset thinking that as long as we are together he will have to live with those thoughts while I have nothing to live with since he's never done any of that to me. When I speak to him about past girlfriends he has told me about or certain memories I have of him telling me things about their relationship, he insists that they were all lies, even the relationships themselves. I remember several girls asking him out, even him calling other girls hot in front of me, but he has an excuse for every single example I come up with and upholds his stance on me not having to deal with anything he has done.

He also doesn't like the thought of me having friends or liking my family. He is convinced that I have every reason to hate my family and doesn't like it when I say anything good about them. The same goes for my friends. He doesn't like it when I want to go hang out with them because he believes that he himself doesn't have any friends because all he needs is me. He takes my wanting to have friends as casting him aside and telling him he's not good enough, that I don't want to be with him, which isn't true at all.

There are days where we seriously hate each other, but for some reason we always make up. And, no matter how upset he is, he refuses to break up with me, and when he does say he wants to break up with me he takes it back. I always find it so hard to break up with him because a part of me still cares about him deeply and wants to make this work, another part is afraid of what might happen to him if I do break up with him, and another part is ready to give up on it all.

Is there anything I can do to help our situation and our relationship? Am I doing something wrong to make matters worse? Is this behavior normal in a lot of relationships? I ask because he is my first and I apparently have no idea what I'm doing, can someone please help?

No, it's not normal. From your description, you appear to be in a relationship with a very troubled young man. His insecurity, possessiveness, fear, divisiveness (dividing your family and you) and need to control you are all signs that he is deeply messed up. Your relationship is very unhealthy, potentially dangerous, and will only get worse until he hits on some of your friends and/or dumps you in a fit of anger. The longer you stay, the worse it will be. This dude is bad news. That's my opinion.

No matter how much you care about him, and even if you are afraid about what he might do if you break up, get away from him. If you think he might become violent, get support and protection from anyone whom you trust and who can protect you. If you worry that he might hurt himself, save yourself the anguish. He would be afraid to do that. But he wouldn't be afraid to bully you some more.

Be grateful that you have the choice and can leave in a simple, wise way, like letting him break up with you. Think it through.

RED FLAGS everywhere...

I can't even begin to list the things that are going wrong here (taopir started the list): insecurity, possessiveness, fear, divisiveness, as well as, lack of trust, controlling behavior, unability to accept your personality, lack of faith, lack of ability to compromise, etc.

Why continue to torture yourself in this type of relationship? This is an example of where love is NOT ENOUGH to remain in the relationship. You should find another guy who RESPECTS you.

Thank you for the advice, I think you are both right. A huge part of me is still in love with him, thinking about all the amazing times we've had and still have together keep me from taking that next step. But I do believe our relationship is an unhealthy one. We are both making the other one miserable. He wants someone he has more things in common with and I want someone more accepting and definitely less jealous. Every time he goes into a jealous fit he becomes so depressed and starts crying wishing that I either didn't tell him, didn't remember, or it never happens and pleads for me to fix it. He says he's only jealous because he loves me so much, but he sees all my attempts to help him as me trying to make things better for myself. He believes its not in him to forgive, forget, and accept so I should find a way to make him feel better since he is the one in pain. I feel like the main reason he refuses to break up with me and mean it is his strong physical attraction to me. He doesn't want to let me go because he is still attracted to me and doesn't want anyone else to have me. I think he also thinks if he lets me go he will never find anyone he is so attracted to to be attracted to him as well. I think physical attraction I have for him is another reason I've been hesitating to let him go, but I know that isn't right. I think he should break up with me but every time the situation leads that way, I feel myself becoming very sad. I don't want to cut him out of my life if we do break up but at this point I wouldn't be surprised if it lead that way. I feel really weak when it comes to him, but I know I don't want to live my life like this. I'd like it if things were different but I can't expect him to change, this is the way he is and what he thinks is what he thinks. I honestly believe he is incapable of being in a relationship with anybody because he holds onto to the image of a picture perfect girl who is the definition of pure that doesn't exist. He is incapable of accepting flaws or past events, so I don't believe we should cling onto each other anymore.

I'm sorry to hear about him, but it's also your problem too. You can't seem to let go. Not all breakups are rosy. It's extremely rare to be friends with an ex.

It sounds like this is your first serious relationship. In these cases, you have trouble seeing the signs of when to break up. You keep hanging on because you don't think that you can find someone better. But it's not true. There are so many people in this world, you just haven't met very many of them.

Don't allow yourself to suffer in such a relationship. It's not fair to you.

Just the title made me think "leave him".

I read the story. I believe it is time to cut ties. Why would you want to be with someone with those qualities-- in the end you'll become a different version of yourself, and you won't like it.

That's just my opinion.

Sarah

I had to spread the rep, but this really is one of those cases where love is not enough. It sounds like he needs major counseling.

Look, life is way too short to be caught up in a relationship like this. This guy thinks he OWNS you. He gets mad when you talk good about your family? I think you already know what to do. JUST BE CAREFUL. People like this guy don't handle rejection too well. If you were my sister I would move in with you , scared for your safety. May GOD keep and protect you.

I know how it feels to think that you are trapped between two rocks. Like, there is some constant push and pull that stretch you out, but at the same time you still don't move.

I can't just say "oh, break up with him he's psycho!" I don't know him or you. And you can't just break up. It's hard. If you love him enough to be able to handle his insecurities, as grand as they are, then don't hurt yourself and uproot from him like its nothing. The question is what do you want?

Remember when your relationship was new and shiny? When everything was clean and in its right place? That's how a healthy relationship should be. You shouldn't have to be worried about what you wear or who you hang out with.

I can't say that you aren't happy now, but were you happier when things were better? When there were no issues? Would you like to be happy and feel like you did before when you first started dating him? If you say yes to these then as hard is it may be to say, he may not be for you

No, sweet heart its not normal.

He is obviously not treating you right, nor is he treating himself right.

You can do better, we are all here for you. I know its hard but you need to take a step out of the door and try something different.

This is your first relationship, and definitely won't be your last.

Your relationship is based on co dependency of each other. You need a clean break and focus on your own selves.

I didn't read anything other than the title; break it off!

Oh my goodness girly, your really testing me!;p okay, both of you need to realize that a relationship is built on trust. You are a girl, you need your friends, and you sometimes need time away from him. It's life. When each of you work, you will be spending most of your day with your co-workers, and he probably won't like that, will he? I know for right now it may hurt you to lose him, as he is the person you spend most of your time with, but you need to think. Will you be better off without him in the future? Is it putting your happiness in jeopardy? There will be moments when you might cry over him, (if you do feel that this isn't what is best for you) and you will miss him. But to try and turn you against your friends is one thing, though still not right, but your family? Sweetheart, I personnaly think that its in your best interest to try your life without him for a little while. Get a taste of freedom, with him out of your life completely. You may start rough, but once you become more capable, and not fully dependent on him, you may like it. You can always talk to me if you need to. I could keep talking for hours:o.
Just remember that I'm someone who cares. <3 -Britt

What an awesome answer!

My boyfriend does this everyday now. While we're talking, something will cause him to remember something I told him. Years ago and I mean years (like in my childhood), a couple of guys told me they liked me. In one situation I took the guys phone number because I didn't want to give him mine and called him later on to tell him in private that "i'm sorry i'm not interested" (we met at a party). To another guy I told him "I like you too" though I meant it as a friend. Now, whenever he thinks about this he becomes depressed and sad and starts crying saying that he's the only guy who can ever hit on me, he's the only guy I can ever take a phone number from, he has to be my absolute first in everything because we're soul mates. He says its not fair that they hit on me before he even knew I existed. Hearing him say all this really pisses me off and makes it impossible for me to comfort him (something I would normally do when he's this sad) because I think he's being absolutely ridiculous. I think it's strange that I have to say sorry continuously because of this and try to find a way to make him feel better when I really don't think I can. Does this behavior make sense to anyone or am I being an insensitive girlfriend. Is there anything I can do to make him stop or make him feel better or is this hopeless. In other words, am I crazy or is he?

He sounds very insecure and needy. Is he always having to be your center of attention? Does he constantly need reasurring that you love him or want him? Yes he is being ridiculous and completely unfair.

Neither of you are crazy, but he is insecure, and believe it or not, so are you. If you weren't you'd see that you are causing him disstress by being with him, not because you are intentionally doing it, but because he is insecure and can't handle it. He doesn't sound like he is ready for a "mature" relationship.

His fears will not leave until he gets help for it, counseling and such.

You won't get over your issues of insecurity until you rediscover yourself. You are not crazy, and niether is your BF, despite his display of emotions. He seems tied to you, but maybe in an unhealthy way, to the point where he may not beable to let go of you. That's very dangerous for both of you.

For you, if he clings tighter, you'll be smothered. I'm sure you won't like that. Maybe you will I don't know, but I imagine it's going to be more extream as time goes on.

How well do you know yourself? (Silly qestion eh?) Not really a lot of people are lost, confused, and scared. Many hate themselves, blame themselves, have no self respect, and don't really know them selves; ultiamtely they can not be themselves because they are missing one or more of those qualities in a big way.

Take care of yourself, because if you can't take care of yourself, then you can't take care of any one.

Peacea and kindness be with you.

I loved my boyfriend, and I mean LOVED. He was my everything. He was the coolest person ever and I loved spending time with him. Every minute we were together was a happy one. I knew from the beginning of our relationship that he had a lot happen to him in his life that caused him to become easily depressed sometimes but I was willing to stand by him through it all because I loved him so much. Now, things are different. Before our relationship even began, he asked me how much he meant to me compared to my family and friends. We had only known each other for a week or so, so naturally I put my family and friends above him ( I knew them longer and was much closer to them, it made perfect sense to me). Since then, he has secretly harbored this deep hate towards my friends and family and has tried to separate me from them so he could become my number one. Whenever I would speak positively about my friends or family, or anyone really, he would become really upset and pissed at me. It was like he wanted me to hate my family as much as he hated his. He wanted me to dispose of my friends since in his eyes, his were disposable. I couldn't do either of these. If I didn't bash my fam or friends, he would say I was defending them and treating him like . He wanted to keep me all to himself and shut me off from the rest of the world.

Tonight, he was really depressed because my uncle jokingly called me his girlfriend to bother me while I was on the phone with my boyfriend (depression caused by extreme jealousy and my lack of bashing my fam again) and he asked for the time we spent together to be merely between us, my family excluded. So I locked my door. While together, my cell phone rings, I thought it was another wrong caller since my phone didn't recognize the number and picked it up since he thinks its funny seeing me trying to tell someone who doesn't understand what I'm saying that they have the wrong number. It turns out its my uncle from another country calling to say hi. I hadn't talked to him in a year or more so I was pretty surprised and excited. My boyfriend then hung up on me. When I called him back, he was furious. He knew it was my uncle who I had accused of abandoning me out of sadness (I told him how close we were and he told me he didn't want to hear about me being close to my family ever again). He went on a rant about how horrible I am and told me to go marry my family and other derogatory terms. He told me he hated me, but he wouldn't break up with me or leave. All the while, during his hateful rant, I felt like I was beginning to hate him. He said he'd call me tomorrow but I don't want to hear his voice ever again.

I want to break up with him. I need to break up with him, but I don't know how. He has claimed to be suicidal and would kill himself if I ever left him. We were on the verge of breaking up once, but once we made up, he revealed to me that if I had chosen to be friends with him instead of a lover, he would hang up the phone saying he'd see me tomorrow, then he would use a knife he brought home from school to kill himself leaving behind a note telling me he loved me. I know our relationship won't work. I miss my friends, I love my family, and they're always going to be there, whether he's by my side or not. He obviously can't handle it so we need to end. But I don't know how to break up with him or have him break up with me. The feeling has to be mutual or else he will lose his life. I don't hate him, I care about him very much, but I can't be with him anymore. What do I do?

Is there anyone that he gets on well with? Someone that he knows and trusts. If there is you could ask them to talk to him. Ask them to find out why he's so against you having contact with your family. Is it jealousy? Or maybe past experience. But either way, you have to ask for help dealing with this. Because most men will say they are suicidal but would never harm themselves. Even so, you can never be sure so seek help. But be secretive. Phone for help when he is busy doing something else. And hopefully, depending on who you ask for help, you will receive help that can maybe cool your boy friend down and by doing that you can save your relationship. So, I hope this helps.

That's a pretty tough question to answer, but if you really and truly want out that's exactly what you need to do. Your friends and family were there before him and will be there after him, and him not wanting you to be close to them is crazy. This guy sounds crazy. You need to get some help let a trustworthy person who could help know what you want and what would happen if you did break up with him. Other than that I really don't know what else to say. I'm sorry you have to make such a tough decision. Good luck in whatever you choose to do.