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    Janet10's Avatar
    Janet10 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    May 29, 2009, 03:10 AM
    did i Cheat because my boyfriend never wants sex?
    Hello

    I am riddled with guilt around cheating on my boyfriend. We had an argument because he wouldn't come out with me for my best friends birthday because he would rather sit in smoking weed. I got drunk and kissed a guy and he touched my breasts and private parts in my knickers. I wouldn't have sex with him or give him oral sex. I ran out the room crying that I couldn't do it. I have never been unfaithful this is the first time in our 10 year relationship.

    Though I want to explain a few things we have been together since I was 17 years old and I'm nearly 27 now so its been nearly 10 years. We still don't live together as I was at uni and then 2 years back my dad became ill and I have to help him out financially. I have had stress with my boyfriend being addicted to skunk, stuck by him cos of his depression and trying to help him kick the habit.

    Apart from this our sex life has been non existent for the past 5 years maybe, he always says its because we don't live together but I think that's not true. Also its more than that its like he just does not fancy me, he loves me and is so intimate in a cute cuddly way but no sexual attention. If we do have sex its not good sex its like he wants to get it over and done with, a quickie from behind. I feel I have to beg for sex also and that makes me feel ugly. But I have put up with it for years cos I love him and I know he loves me and shows me attention apart from sexual. But I'm more like his cute cuddly girlfriend.

    Furthermore a few months back before my slip up at the weekend, I caught him cheating via texts. He believes its not cheating but I believe it is, has he has humiliated me that he can't have sex with me but has phone sex with a random woman he met on sex text chat line. The text I caught him with was "when will you be home so i can see your big hard cock again" so he clearly told her he was at mine. We had a break for a week because of this, he admitted he only fancies me sometimes and was crying he still loves me though. But then he wanted me back when he realised I could find someone else.

    What annoys me is he does not make me feel sexy, gets his sexual gratifications from texts but still expects me to be faithful.

    I do feel so guilty its killing me plus my dad is in intensive care so this is a bad time in my life. But I feel I did it because he doesn't make the effort like not coming out with me and never giving me sexual attention. It felt good for a man to fancy me and I slipped up, I wish I didn't but I did, plus I was drunk? I mean I'm young and attractive how long do I live like a nun because I love him? And was I wrong to cheat, it was the first time ever in 10 years, I just needed the sexual attention to feel like a woman? Also its not like we have not spoke about it, we have so many times and I have dressed up to spice things up so we have tried and tried how long do we try before we just admit we love each other but sexually compatible?

    Should I tell him? Should I feel guilty as he did cheat on me but in a diff way? Should I tell him? His my soul mate? God I'm so stressed and don't need it with my dad in hospital... I was drunk it felt good for a man to show me sexual attention... :confused:
    pixiegurl's Avatar
    pixiegurl Posts: 54, Reputation: 4
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    #2

    May 29, 2009, 04:26 AM

    There is never any excuse good enough for cheating on somebody. Its demoralizing and disrespectful. If you are fed up with him not showing you sexual attention, and you have tried like you said to try and fix it, then maybe you need to start realising that you want more from a relationship and that he is just not giving it to you. If you are both becoming unfaithful, in whatever way you want to do it, then I think that is a huge sign that things have become too much a problem. If he is not giving you what you want, then its time to move on... however painful it may be.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #3

    May 29, 2009, 05:10 AM

    There is never an excuse to cheat! You were wrong, don't pass the blame onto him. Personally, once somebody cheats the relationship is forever changed and seldom does it work out.

    Come clean and deal with the consequences of your actions.
    dreamingartist's Avatar
    dreamingartist Posts: 104, Reputation: 54
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    #4

    May 29, 2009, 05:14 AM

    I think there are a multitude of issues here that need to be resolved. First, the smoking of weed. I personally don't think that drinking 1 glass of wine a week is a bad thing. Likewise, I don't think smoking a joint once in a while will hurt you, BUT... I don't know anyone that casually smokes weed. You want someone who has a glass of wine but you don't want a alcoholic. And vice versa, I wouldn't care if someone took a hit on a joint during a new years party but I wouldn't want a pot head who smokes 4 times a day and plays XBOX or whatever. So I think that is 1 big issue. Certain states things are legal or illegal, so I can't comment there.. but if something is illegal, then it needs to be addressed because even if you are OK with something, you don't want to be in a relationship with kids and a family and then daddy is getting carted off to jail. So you need to have put your foot down on that issue LONG ago, but it seems that you were / are OK with it, so now you have to deal with those consequences.

    2) I think that someone becomes an alcoholic, or a pothead, or any other dependency because they are masking some other issues in their lives. He may feel stressed out, uptight, trapped, unhappy, and feels like pot is a outlet for him to relax and take his mind off his troubles in life. Unfortunetally pot is a depressant, and also a mental stimulant that causes you to think ALL the time. So it's almost counteractive. You are depressed so you take a depressant, and you think about all your troubles even though your intentions are to "not" think about your troubles. Which is where XBOX or TV or movies come in. you watch those to drown out your thoughts about the relationship. etc.

    3) cheating is cheating. On both sides. If you send a text to a sex chat line, to me, that's cheating. If you flirt with a girl and say things you KNOW you can't say in front of your girlfriend, that to me is emotionally cheating. There are emotional cheating, physical cheating.

    If the pot smoking is causing an issue, resolve it. If the sex is causing an issue, resolve it. But if you stay bottled up and never resolve these issues, then down the road, another issue will pop up and you will say.. Issue #2 is a issue! And POT! And sex! But why hasn't it been addressed. Don't bring all of them up after 10 years, bring them all up as they happen.

    I think your man needs to kick the POT for himself, not to save a relationship. If he quits for you, he resents you. If he quits for himself, then he WANTS to. If he wants to quit and he can't then help him... but I just see this relationship as toxic and I think you really should re-evaluate what kind of man / relationship you want.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #5

    May 29, 2009, 05:53 AM

    I'm still not sure why we are placing all of the blame on the guy here. Smoking pot is a big deal, but she obviously knew he did this for a while but chose to stay. The big problem is the fact that she cheated
    lola64's Avatar
    lola64 Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    May 29, 2009, 07:38 AM

    Hi Janet-
    I can kind of relate to where you are coming from (feel free to check out some of my threads from a few months ago). I think it's important for people not to jump to judgement calls here and looking to shift blame- either upon you for cheating, or upon your boyfrend for failing to meet your needs.
    As you said, you have been involved in this relationship for 10 years and you have not cheated before. You obviously have enough self- inflicted guilt upon seeking attention from another guy, so I don't think there's any need for us to rag on you about that now. You're here asking for a neutral viewpoint, and I find it respectful to try and give you that. I do understand the reasons that lead people to make such decisions.
    Like dreamingartist said.. there are a number of underlying issues that have been eating at this relationship for awhile. 10 years is a long time to be with someone, and in that time you can either grow together, or grow apart. I think you need to look at the factors in your own life that have led you to this point: you have a huge stress in your life with your Dad being sick (I'm with you honey), and I think people underestimate what these kinds of experiences can do to your psyche. You're growing through this, maybe away from your man, and perhaps you guys need to figure out how to communicate all over again, or decide if you even want to continue putting the effort into it. When my Dad first became ill a few years ago, a friend said to me that my character would strengthen and I would learn things about myself in going through this that I never thought I could be.. both good and bad. That you would no longer have the patience to 'suffer fools'.. and perhaps I'm wrong, but maybe this is true for you. You are losing patience with not having your needs met by your boyfriend, so you've tested the waters in looking elsewhere. It's not right, it's not wrong, it's just human. Now take this experience and use it in the best way for you: evaluate what it is you need in life, and decide if he can be it or not. And vice versa for you to him.
    Please feel free to PM me... like I said, I've been where you are and maybe I can help you a bit more.
    All the best.
    lola64's Avatar
    lola64 Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    May 29, 2009, 07:43 AM

    Here's the link btw- if you find it helpful...
    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ve-315756.html
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    May 29, 2009, 08:00 AM

    Stop looking for excuses for your own bad behavior, when all you had to do was either, talk to the guy, or cut him loose, then you would be free to do whatever you want.

    You took the easy way out instead of dealing with the real issues, and getting things worked on.

    I really don't know what it is your both doing to each other, but its not going any where, and doesn't sound healthy at all.
    Triysle's Avatar
    Triysle Posts: 245, Reputation: 84
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    #9

    May 29, 2009, 04:14 PM
    You cheated because you wanted to gratify your own desires without losing the benefits that you perceive in your current relationship. Regardless of how good or bad someone is, cheating (no matter how it is done) is the ultimate declaration of selfishness; you are breaking a promise along with a heart.

    The fact that you haven't told him is only further evidence of your selfishness. You may think you are lying to protect him and his feelings, but really you are lying so you can preserve the good aspects that this relationship is giving you. You want to weigh your options and manipulate the situation instead of giving your partner a chance at choosing his own fate.

    I speak as someone who has been cheated on, and who has also cheated on the women he thought he loved more than anything else in the world. Ultimately, you have to accept the fact that you made a selfish choice and that you are obviously not in a point in your life where you want to stay in a relationship with this person.

    Tell him, right now. Tell him exactly what you did, and then tell him you need to be single. Stop worrying so much about his depression and whatever other issues he has and focus on your own, because obviously you have something that you need to sort out for yourself.

    ~ Tee

    PS - Have you told him yet?
    Survivor07's Avatar
    Survivor07 Posts: 380, Reputation: 143
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    #10

    May 29, 2009, 06:48 PM

    Yes, you should tell him and end it. Neither of you is good for the other and you know it.

    His life long addiction to marijuana is most likely the reason for the bad sex and lack thereof, but I'm no expert.

    He is not your soul mate or you wouldn't have cheated. You are not his soul mate or he would have gone out with you, etc. etc.

    Time to get to know yourself, without him, before it's too late; meaning you may wake up in another ten years and think "I have wasted my life on this guy". He will probably not end it because habitual pot smokers aren't usually motivated to do much of anything. Just end it.
    none12345's Avatar
    none12345 Posts: 1,439, Reputation: 234
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    #11

    May 29, 2009, 07:55 PM

    You both cheated on each other. I don't think that is love. It might be an addiction to each other. Two people who love each other will never cheat on their partner and will remain faithful.

    As for the sex thing... I understand humans have sexual needs, but we can live without it so its no excuse to go find it with someone else when you claim you are in love with this guy because you shouldn't even think about having sex with anyone else if you love him.
    Janet10's Avatar
    Janet10 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    May 30, 2009, 02:56 AM

    Hi lola 64 thanks for your post

    Your right its easy for people to jump to criticise because if I'm honest I have done it before when people have told me thye have cheated. The last 2 years have been hell with my dad with has health problems and I nearly lost him 4 weeks ago, but his still in intensive care. My mind has been over the place, mixed with alcohol that night and my problems with my partner I have. I know it was wrong but I have tried and tried to address the issues. Its easier said then done to tell him, I have thought about it but the thing is when someone is depressed and you care fro them. The past 2 years, I'm not being martyr is me always being there for my parents and him, so yeah I was selfish but for once I did something that was not perfect me helping others? Im human? Thanks lola you really understood me x
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    May 30, 2009, 03:35 AM

    At some point you must forgive yourself, and get on a better path of making decisions for yourself, so you can deal with the issues you face.

    Number one being your non supportive boyfriend. The trust, and confidence has really broken down, and the willingness to work together through honest communications doesn't exist at this time.

    After 10 years together, he should be your rock, and he is not.
    lola64's Avatar
    lola64 Posts: 26, Reputation: 2
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    #14

    May 30, 2009, 07:29 PM

    No problem Jan.. Glad to be able to be of some support!
    CaptRomeo1's Avatar
    CaptRomeo1 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    May 30, 2011, 05:39 AM
    I am near enough in the same boat as you. Although we have only been together for 7 months but like you, we don't have sex, he texts and flirts with others online yet he says he loves me but again like you I just feel like some 'cuddly toy' to sleep next to at night. Constantly throwing myself at him to humilliation and no end.

    I don't think you should have cheated, although 10 years with out that sort of intimacy can drive any one crazy (it's driving me crazy after 7 months! If it has reached a point where you have caved in to cheating, will it happen again?. you've reached an extreme cry for help. Contrary to what the others say, your partner does have some sort of blame for this (although YOU have most to blame).
    You need to come clean to your partner and take it from there, maybe you shouldn't be together seeing as though you want different things in a relationship.
    Although 'comfortable' around each other and able to sit in silence for a period with out feeling awkward I personally believe that sex/intimacy is a HUGE part of a relationship and a fundememtal asset.

    Jeez I think I am answering a few things for myself here.

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