There is such a huge laundry list of things my MIL has done to me for past 8 years that it would take all night to write. While some of her actions are oblviously inappropriate behavior that is recognized by others... I would say 70% goes unnoticed by anyone else except me. She is so sneaky and manipulative. She knows exactly what and when to say something to me and not get caught. The tone of her voice, her facial expressions and her overall body language speak for itself. But how can I ever explain these things to my husband who.. well thinks like any normal man. He "sees" nothing wrong. Hubby does deserve credit though because he does believe me and he has spoken to her a few times about some issues we've had... but unless he sees the actual evidence... it's hard to make conclusions as to her true intentions.. . she doesn't fool me for a second though.

We have been married for 8 years, and are so happy, but I just can't seem to learn how to deal with his MIL. I've done research... I've talked to friends and a counselor. I do get that I will NEVER change her... and so somehow I must figure out how to accommodate the situation as best I can.

The main problem with her is that she thinks my girls are hers. She has always wanted girls... and now she has them. Mine that is. She is so controlling and domineering. You can literally feel it in the air when she's around. It's like this unspoken rule that when she is around... she is the mom. She plays it off by being so sugary sweet to me and wording things to her benefit meaning that she looks completely innocent... and I look like the crazy one for having a problem with it. I am nothing but a baby making machine to her. And I truly believe that... which is hurtful... but it's something I've just come to accept. My purpose to my MIL is to give her grandkids. That is my only job. My husband and his family are very close and get together quite often. I have always just gone along with it and bitten my tongue at these events. However, the older I get and the more time that goes by... my tolerance of this behavior is almost nonexistent. I'm becoming this angry, bitter, resentful person who simply dreads having to visit them. I hate that feeling because that is not who I am. My husband continues to ask me, what did she do this time? Do I need to talk to her? I appreciate his support, but I sound like a looney bird when I try to explain. How do I tell him that she stares me down when I'm holding my 2 year old... just waiting for her to get off my lap. Literally she stares at us... she may tap her feet too. LOL. She wants to have her hands on my girls constantly, and if they show me any affection of favor me over her... OMG... it makes her CRAZY... but she never lets on strong enough that it's obvious to the men in the family. The tension is the room is so thick it's debilitating. If my girls ask me to take them "potty" she just about trips over herself trying to beat me to the bathroom so she can do it. Ummm.. whatever... if you want to wipe their butts... be my guest.

We are simply expected to be there for all family functions. I get a call the day before and am told what to bring. I simply hate it. I am so miserable when we are over there. She is nice to me but it's only to keep me happy so she can have access to my kids. And this is not a paranoid statement... it is the god's honest truth. I do not like playing this "victim" role. I don't want sympathy. I just want to put her in her place. I want to tell her to go adopt a child if she wants one so badly. These are MY children. She has had her chance to raiser her own. My girls are so young, and I am pregnant again... so this is not something that is going to go away soon. For the first time, I'm starting to feel scared that my marriage is beginning to suffer because of it. I'm starting to resent my husband even though I know it's not his fault. I avoid her calls and her texts and I make excuses at all costs to avoid her. I've even thought of pulling my daughter out of soccer because that would mean we wouldn't have to see her every damn Saturday. And my daughter loves soccer! But she just ruins every Saturday. All I've ever wanted was a happy family. I feel so possessive over my girls... and I'm wondering if this is normal. I just want to scream at her that they are MINE. I've got a long road ahead of me.. She will be in our lives forever... but I'm reaching a point that I am scared for my marriage. I'm scared I just can't take her crap anymore. Why can't I just give up and let her be in control for the few hours she is around? I guess I have too much pride. But that pride is just eating me up. This has been building for years... but I feel it more now than ever being 71/2 months pregnant. I can't wait for my 3rd daughter to come... but I'm dreading my MIL's constant presence. She will be lurking behind every door waiting to get her hands on my baby. With my last two girls, she would stick her head right by my breast when I nursed... no I'm not kidding. It was so creepy. I need advice. I love my husband so much... but it's his mom for heaven's sake. I don't want him to resent me. If I keep this negativity up... I know he will get tired of it. However, I'm already tired of it myself. My heart is broken because I love him so much and hate that this is hurting him. His mother loves him and treats him like a King... but she is making my life a living hell. What do I do?

Your husband should take a stand - it's HIS mother. If she is this upsetting to you, then it's up to HIM to tell her to back off.

JudyKayTee : Good point.If he's not 'mommy's son'

I had a similar problem with my mil when I had the dubious honor of producing the first grandchild (who also happens to be male). She couldn't get enough of him! When he was a newborn, she came to our apartment to "help" launder and fold baby clothes and diapers, but I ended up doing that while she sat in the rocker with the baby. She would stand next to me when I held him and would sway back and forth, quietly and tunelessly crooning some lullaby.

I found out later that she's an adult child of alcoholics and has always been very needy, but yet wants to grab control of everyone's life (since she can't control her own supposedly). Her children think it's kind of cute and "oh, gee, that's just how she is." I've done my best all these years to outthink her and to respectfully and firmly set/state boundaries. That's made her mad, but she usually backs off.

You have my deepest sympathy and strongest urge for courage!

I hate to be the one to say it but here goes. This is what I think. I think your MIL loves her grand kids very much. I'm sorry if you are maddened by the idea that she is sugar sweet to you for the sole reason that you are the mother of her beloved grand daughters. You think she is pathetic because she can't wait to get her hands on her grand kids. Do you know how lucky your daughters are to have a grandmother that loves them so much? Some children grow up with grandparents who are not the least bit interested in them. Why is it creepy that she puts her face right up in there to watch you nurse the baby? Do you think she does that to make you uncomfortable or because she gets so much pleasure watching her beloved grandchild be lovingly nursed?



I think YOU should have a talk with your MIL. Flat out tell her up front that her behavior feels threatening to you. If I am right, she will not want you to feel that way at all and will try to clear things up with you. If I am right, she does not want to make your life a living hell because if she succeeded in that it would have a negative impact on the grand kids she loves so much. If you can open up your line of communication with MIL you might be able to develop a friendship as well as a MIL/DIL. My guess is that MIL would like to be supportive of you, and will be if you give her the chance.

OMG... the very second my MIL would have even tried sticking her ear toward me while breastfeeding, I would have set the tone right then and there. Its one thing to be a good and concerned grand parent, its another to be an obsessive, controlling, one. As far as I'm concerned, that alone was invading your personal space. I've been there, and had to handle the situation myself. Instead of showing tension toward her actions, try a different approach. When she is starring at you when holding your daughter, look at her and say "What!". Maybe you should ask the hubby about going on a second honeymoon and have her babysit. 2 weeks of responsibility while not agitating or impressing anyone might change her tune. When the kids want something while there, heck, let her do it. Tell them, ask grandma, she'll do it. I don't mean to sound nasty, but this sounds like it could get worse if its not dealt with soon. Just my opinion. My heart goes out to you. Good luck with everything.

The thing is that so many times, (I noticed it early on in my rel with my MIL) that DIL have so many problems because they feel the need to respect that women. And I do completely believe you. Women have an intuition about attitudes that men don't pick up, just like a wife can tell that her husbands co-worker (EX girlfriend, w/e) if flirting with him toget at her, and he thinks your just being crazy.
What you have to do, what I HAD to do is this - BE VERBAL. When she taps her foot say "You mind not tapping your foot? This is MY child , after all. You DO know that, right?" Who cares what the rest of the family thinks? It will make you feel better in the long run to be the one on top of the situation. And I believe she is very well aware of the fact that she does this to you.
My MIL would always get jealous of the fact that my husband was just that - MY husband... and his primary relationship to a woman in life was to me, now, not her. Im blessed with a good husband who put her in her place. So for your own well being, speak up. Its invigorating... Really. :))))))

Another great on to lay on her is this, "If you want to raise some more kids... then have some."

Stop watching and judging your mother in law.
It will only hurt you more and disturb and you will loose what good is there.she might only be trying to help.
Other mother in laws might turn their nose up and say no to cleaning their grand daughters. But if your mil doe sit she must be loving them too much. There are many families where in girl children are shun, neglected, daughterin laws are abused because they have daughters.. you should feel proud you have such a family . Try not to show your resentment too much agaist this lady if you don't understand her - because your kids may pick up - understand your body language and resent her. Please accept your mil. No one is perfect. It looks like you are getting hurt because you don't have much say on what's going on- but that happens 99% times what's so different for you? Get some story books for you're your mil so she can read to kids. Find out what you would like to have her do and let her do so you are prepared for it when she helps you. Do it slowly and please appreciate her and convey it too.

I feel the same pain with everyone who has the same problem. I thought I was the only one having to put up with my obesessed MIL which I personally call a baby-napper. I'm 24 and I'm soooo in love with my partner and we have a beautiful daughter together. I don't understand why mothers with sons are so obsessed with gran-daughters? My daughter is mine I carried her for 9mnths its like she looks nothing like you. I'm glad that my partner is with me all the way because his mum has no respect for him. Were hoping to move couple of hours away from the grandparents so during that time my daughter can be clingy to me.

Every time I go to the in laws my partners parents house I'm like invisible. Every time my damn MIL is always holding on my daughter to put her to sleep. I'm not the kind of mum who is boring like only to feed and put baby to sleep. What kind of MIL who doesn't believe in play groups,reading, learning shows on TV. She might be 51 with 3 boys but still it doesn't make her a know it all.

I'm glad that my foster mum gives me a chance to grow up as a mother even though I didn't have a good relationship with her when I was young.

Problem like this you really need your partner to see it all. Our only option is to say it out to her and hopefully make her cry, that's the only way. I'm a super nice person who is sensitive but its time to step out of that zone.

Also I forgot to say that might be a bit different to everyone's story is that ever since my daughter was born my MIL totally has no respect for anyone even her husband. Definitely a BABY-NAPPER

Your mother in law sounds like she needs to be needed. Could that be a bigger factor here, than her undermining you?

Oddly enough, I had this problem with my own mother. She had just had a leg amputated, and was staying with us during her rehabilitation. Every feeding, rocking, story telling, pushing the stroller, she took over.

I was resentful because I wanted my baby! But, I felt like a maid in my own house, and with only one rocking chair, she got her all the time.

If I were you, realize that these moments you have, even if it's just your child sitting on your knee, are precious. Don't let her rob you of them, because they won't come around and happen again. Take them when you can, and enjoy them fully.

When you want to love your own children without feeling threatened or resentful of someone else taking over, then set some boundaries.

Reduce the visits to your home with your children. If she's there five days a week, make it two. No drop ins, she must call first.

When she arrives, ask her to do something specific like play with 'baby a', while you feed baby 'b', or could she tidy up the play room, things like that. Keep her busy with small requests. She'll be happy, and the time will go by more pleasantly if you have some control over what goes on.

As to your husband's family, and their gatherings, I really encourage you to go as much as you can. This is good for your kids, and the socializing is good for you and your husband. How I wish I had my mother, and my mother in law, and all the rest of them, but they are all gone now. But, events are remembered, and they are too, and fondly by the kids.

Be a little more creative while she is in your home, and with a little more control, you'll feel less resentful that she is just taking over.

I hope this works out, you have a long way to go.

Hi
Yup well I have the same problem
I mean we moved over seas so she wouldn't butt into our lives, but thanks to internet she still does
My husband wants to go to vacation and see his mom at the same time, and I'm really dreading it because she thinks she knows better then anyone and since I have a baby of 6 months omg she always likes to have the last word
I mean come on what kind of a mil would insult you for giving your own daughter a bath?
Like she raised her kids, I want to raise mine
I wish shed get the message and just leave me alone
I moved overseas for crying out loud!!

Im going through something like that too I just had our little girl 6 weeks ago so I'm still in new mommy world and loving it... but I feel so horrible feeling all this anger and recentment towards my MIL because she has always been so sweet to me and helped me so much (my mother isn't around for other reasons and I don't have any family of my own besides her son (my husband) but it seems like she is a little obsessed with my baby she wants to go to doctors appointments (saying its support for me) every time she is around she feels she HAS to be holding the baby she's always trying to change her if she cries she takes her but she's doing all this controlling behavior in a nice way but I tested it when the baby was crying she asked if I wanted her back and I said yea and she jumped so fast to say I mean I'm fine I can handle it... she calls like 3 - 4 times a week asking about the baby I feel bad because I know she just loves her but it's a little annoying to me this is my baby and my 1st at that and I'm starting to not even want her to be alone with her I think I over heard her reffer to herself as mommy the other day I don't know if she was talking about me but it really seemed like she slipped and said herself let mommy see and she was right in front of her which is not cool then right after that I had to change her I could tell she wanted to change her but I was so upset over whati thought I just heard so I did it but she stood there and watched me change her in the bathroom it's a little nuts and I don't like it it feels like she would like totally out of the picture so she could take over she has all boys and always wanted a girl its just really really annoying and I hate that I'm getting so secertly pissed at her

I believe that this is more than her loving her grandchildren - she's disrepecting you and trying to usurp your place in your own family, with your own husband and children, so no, you shouldn't tolerate it.

When she calls last minute and demands your appearance and a particular dish, say "no thanks, we have plans". Let her be mad and don't go. Don't tell her when your kids are playing soccer or what team they are on. You preserve a lot of power by simply not telling them about things.

When she tries to usurp you at a family gathering, to take the baby out of your hands or whatever, say "no, Mary, I'm holding her at the moment ". If she's rude in response, excuse yourselves and leave. If she's staring at you and tapping her foot, say loudly, "Mary, your staring at me and foot tapping is unnerving, is there something you want?" If she gives your children things that you don't want them to have, either accept them and make them "disappear" later, or don't accept them.

The best way to minimize the problem is to see her less. And your husband needs to stop acting like this is your problem - he's not that oblivious to it and needs to assertively step in and correct his mother on the spot. If he doesn't notice, he needs to make a point of noticing - not leaving you in the room alone with her if need be.

What you are going through is exactly the samething I'm going through, my mother in law does not talk to me any more as she wants to be a mother to my 1 yrs 5moths baby boy, she is controlling and manipulating just like your mother in law. My husband does everything she says and he believes everything that she tells him, he is not doing anything about the problems as he believes that I'm desrepecting his mother,

I know you first posted some time ago, but in searching similar issues I came across the situation you have with your mother in law and I felt as though I was writing it myself.

I often feel so conflicted with these emotions, as I have never been a possessive, controlling or even anxious person. Before getting pregnant, I had a good relationship with my in-laws. They have always been quite controlling with my husband (telling him to get a hair cut or to wear this or that), but none of that was too bothersome as he brushed it off and it wasn't encroaching on my space. When we planned to have a beach wedding, his mother told us how disappointed she would be if it was not in the Catholic church and how we would be hurting people. Can you say manipulative? We were very young and it didn't seem important enough to make an issue of it. Almost 10 years on, I know we should have done it the way we wanted.

Since getting pregnant, my in-laws have constantly done things that cause a reaction in me that I have never experienced before. There have been so many examples, many of which seem so petty when isolated, but at the crux of it all is my in-laws' desire to control my daughter and have things exactly as they want them... I feel disrespected and pushed aside. I am non-confrontational, so I have a hard time speaking up. Instead I let it simmer and it just makes me sick with anxiety. Those feelings are heightened when you have just had a baby or when you are pregnant, and you are hormonal and emotionally fragile.

I really don't know the answer. My mother in law has written to my husband to complain about me and how she feels pushed out... she is manipulative and uses guilt to get her way. When things don't go her way, she tells us how sad and disappointed she is and that she is the saddest grandmother in the world. The more she pushes, the more I withdraw. She hasn't once stopped to ask what she might have done to cause that need for space.

Since the beginning she has done similar things to your mother in law. She pushes me out of the way to get to my daughter, she won't give her to me when she cries, she pushes the stroller miles ahead and constantly tells me how I need to go out and do things and leave my daughter with her, even when I say that I don't want to. I feel time with my daughter is not good enough if I'm there. She goes up to my daughter's room while she sleeps and wakes her, and once I went to check on my daughter and found her in there with the door closed, taking photographs.

Recently we were at the zoo and my daughter dropped a cracker, and one of them swooped it up and split it in two, and then they both ate it. I find their obsession somewhat creepy.

I do feel that they are obsessed with my daughter. I know they love her, but they are pushing me away and I don't know how to handle it.

I feel your pain and I hope time has made your situation easier. If you have found any ways to manage this that have made it easier for you, please let me know!

Please know that you are not alone and that you are not being unreasonable. It is easy to write it off as being "a loving grandmother", but as someone who has never had an issue with my mother in law until now, I realize it is about her behavior. A mother in law needs to respect her daughter in law as the mother. To realize that this is not her show. My own mother offers me these courtesies...

I understand the resentment, anger and dread at seeing them that you are feeling. The most important thing is that you have to work together and your husband has to speak up and be clear in his support of your mutual needs. We are still working on it...

This thread is long dead - this should be a new thread (if you are asking for advice).

The OP has NEVER been back so she cannot and probably will not read what you have posted.

Do you want it moved?