My girlfriend of a year and a half left me after a month of being engaged... I know I was not the most perfect but either was she in our time together. I did not listen to her fully sometimes which I can admit but either did she... I did so much for her and put her up on a pedestal, fixing up our house, buying a 4k ring, diamond earrings and necklace, going out all the time and on many trips... It was all worth it to me because I know she is the "one".

She wanted to break up with me back in August and it came off as a shock... we decided to give it another try and it went well to the point where she kept asking me for a ring. I eventual proposed and we were very much happy till it ended in January...

3 months have passed and she dated someone that did not last. She messaged me back on myspace about being friends shortly after and saying comments about being bootycalls etc. I was sooooo excited and felt so relieved that I flew over there that night. We had sex for a couple nights but she made me leave early in the morning cause her son would be up. She has a 4 year old boy who I adore very much...

Several messages and phones calls for the past week and a half and she still does not want me back! She asked me to come over the other night and I was much hesitant this time but I did and we ended up having sex again... I can not resist her because my heart won't. I am so fully in love with her that I think of her all the time. I tell her how much she means to me and it has no effect.

She seems very timid and confused, she still says she loves me, has feelings for me and misses me and has enjoyed the nights together but she doesn't want to be with me... WHY?!

What am I doing wrong here? I KNOW she still has feelings for me... she keeps telling me for us to go our separate ways and it hurts but then she will want to see me. What am I doing wrong here? Is this a lost cause? I can not keep living life like this waking up with regret and depression...

We got into a bad argument the night she ended it saying I scared her and she saw a side of me that she never knew I had in me... but it wasn't me rather just bottled up frustration... How can I show her that I am the man she fell in love with? I have tried everything from telling her the time off has made me realize what I did wrong, to damn near begging... I do all the things I can when I am with her to let her know she is so special to me.

Is this the end for us... and I just do not want to admit it? She is 23 and I am 30 and she had a kid at 18... is she just immature? Feeling like she missed out in a part of her life because of early pregnancy?

I do believe her fully when she said she truly loved me and still does love me so why is it like this!!

Can anyone please help me... :confused:

Letting her think you're okay with just having sex and not being in a relationship?

Cut off all contact with her; check the stickies for advice.

Hey henderson, I know what your going through because I have actually been going through the same thing1 YES there are lots of us that are treated the same way, now I'm not sure if I can be of any help at all but I do know that it does not get better with time if you are at her beckncall, the bottom line is that while you are allowing her to treat you this way-she will do, it doesn't help to tell her how its making you feel either, she may well still love and care for you as I have listened to the same things from my ex also, the one thing that I have learned the last week on here is that you have to give yourself time and her time too have no contact with her none at all to allow yourself time to heal and grow stronger as an individual, you will naturally miss her, and yes it hurts like hell- it will hurt her also she may even try and get into contact again with you once she realises that you nare not there at her every whim, but most of all this will allow you both the time too see if it is actually what you want, me personally I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't be in this relationship, should the opportunity appear, only the two of you will know what really went on during that time, but before you make any decisions you boyh need time to heal and find yourslves- you may even find that when you have sat back taken some time, gone to the gym, made some new friends and developed new interests in your life, you may realise that in fact your life is good without her in it- you may realise that you were just afraid of breaking a habbit that was so familiar to you.

All that said- I do know how you feel, its not nice being treated that way, but this much is true-you are being treated that way because you are allowing it. So stop and think about it

I do hope this helps, probably not what you wanted to hear- I certainly didn't want to hear this either but now I'm starting to see some of what is real to me

It appears that you answer some need in her and she is not willing to let you go completely because she will lose what ever it is that you do for her.

Sex without commitment or is she hanging on because she needs to be put on a pedestal and wined and dined on your dime.Maybe both.

Maybe she is keeping you hanging and throwing you a bone every now and again while she is waiting for someone else to come along.If they don't work out ,you are plan B.

Bottom line,you are being played and I think you should honor yourself more and refuse to play into her games.

This behaviour of hers is typical. She is just afraid of being alone so she wants to keep you in the picture until she gets herself settled as a single woman. Once she does this, I'm sorry to say, it's over for you. Don't let her do this to you. She's being extremely selfish and right now all she cares about is herself. Walk away from her and let her get her head straight. As it stands right now you two are more than likely over, regardless of the sex and all that. Don't let her keep all the power in this relationship. Walk away!

Sounds to me like she is using your love for her sexual benefits. I think you need to think long and hard and see if this is what you really want.

You have allowed her to use you as a booty call, to get her through some lonely nights, but as a man she doesn't respect you, or love you. You are safe, and comfortable, and all to willing to do as she wishes, instead of standing on your own two feet, and ending this situation, and not putting up with her treating you as an object. You allowed it, and only you can change it by disappearing from her life, and getting some dignity, and self respect, back.

How do you think you can love another so much when you can't even love yourself, for who you are? How do you expect to be loved by another, when you don't love yourself enough to be good to yourself, and not be used for another's selfish wishes?

You have a lot of work to do, on YOU, for YOU. Better get busy.

I really appreciate the help here people. I find myself re-reading these replies over and over to help me out. This morning I was left with this message from here:

we are not good for eachother we will just not work out, itll never work. we're different people. i need to just forget about you and move on, and you calling me and writing me and stuff just is not good. so if you could please just leave me alone and we both move on with our lives. you have to move on. you will be fine you'll find someone great whos right for you. i wish you nothing but the best.

And it hurts me more then ever... I just don't want to believe this is over. I know deep that in order for me to feel better I have to let her go but I just don't understand the situation... one minute she wants me to come over spend the night and the next morning I get a message like that...

Is it even remotely possible she has feelings still for me? I have a hard time imagining she is just using me... or maybe she is?

The only real question I have now is why does she feel were two different people now? How can she feel like this?

I know how hurt and confused you are but she has made it very clear what she wants.You just have to accept it no matter how much it hurts.
Guessing about her feelings and motivations is an exercise in futility.It will get you no where and its counter productive to healing,thats what you need to begin to concentrate on now.
Everything else,the whys and the how could she's are water under the bridge.
There is a wealth of information on this site to help you through the grieving process.
Start to place your energy toward healing.

For your own sanity leave her alone and stop trying to get into her head to understand her reasons behind her actions.

This girl wanted to break things off with you from last year and instead your allowed your feelings to interfere with your common sense. You can't buy love and you brought things for her to make her happy even when she complaint about not having a ring. However, your intentions was good and I am sure you did everything from the kindness of your heart but she doesn't want to be tied down at the moment and wants to serve her wild oaths.

Today you need to move forward and that starts with letting her go and accepting it is over. Learn and grow from this experience. And don't contact her or accept any forms of communication from her.

Liz she did not want to break up with me from last year just back in August till we did in January. I did not buy her either I gave her nice earing for our anniversary, a necklace for her birthday... only special occaisons.

She just left me this message:

i already know that we had something special you dont have to keep saying that. i dont know what else to do but to tell you i just need to be for myself. i feel so lost and empty and confused inside. i feel like a wreck half the time and i dont know what any of these feelings or thoughts going through me are and what they mean so the best thing for me to do is just to be able to sort those out. right now i jsut feel like i dont know anything about anything i just know my heart is lost and i dont know how to put the pieces back together but im hoping time will do that

I don't know what to take from it but I cut off all contact from her, I did message her back once and got this reply... Am I just hoping for false hope? We really did have great chemistry together, had way more good times then bad, and we just look so right with each other. I know I have to let her go and I am trying day by day, something inside me is telling me she is just young and stupid and doesn't know how good we have it together. She's 23yrs old and I am 30... I was her first long time and serious relationship.

I just don't get how she has changed so dramatically, when we first got together or before that she would tell me she is a relationship type girl, she is not a bar person or a whore... well this is what she ultimately has turned into... can someone who has a kid at an early age go into reverse? I mean we seriously were really good for each other, her entire family loved me including her son... I don't know if that was because I am more mature and has a career in law enforcement? I don't know... I am accepting the fact she is gone now...

But I think I have false hope brewing inside me that she will regret this decision and come back down the road. Is this wrong to think at this point?

Hendeson78, it really doesn't matter when the relationship ended huni, the fact is it has, people here are right with what they say about working in yourself to make you a stronger person, if you listen to what your ex is saying then you will realise that she does need space to clear her thoughts, now this may be just to let you down with the grestest of ease, or it may be that she is confused and needs time, but if you don't allow her that time then you will never know if there is anything left for the two of you as a couple.
As far as holding on to false hope, I think we all do that, and I think that at some stage most of us on here have had that hope at some point or we wouldn't have been here.
When your ex has had lonely nights and she has called to you have gone to her needs whatever they may be, and while you do this you only show her that she can still have you as and when she wants you, so why does she have to miss you? She doesn't does she!
Some people do get back together but it is very few, but the only way for someone to realise what they haven't got anymore is for them to really not have it. And that means no contact, no calling, no texts, nothing!
If you love someone then you will want for them to be happy whatever the outcome with or without you, easier said than done I know, believe me I know... but these are the reasons that we need to work on ourslves in the process, learning from the relationship that we have just had, making ourselves stronger for whatever comes our way afterwards- now it may be that the relationship that you want with her may come back looking for you, and because of your new found strength after working on yourself you will then be in a better place emotionally and physically to make decisions as to your future together, but it may also be at this point that you realise its not actually what you want. Hard to believe I know... but what ever the outcome the only way to go is no contact, work on yourself inside and out and if she really wants to be with you then it won't take her long to come looking for you, but you also have to prepare yourself for the possibility that this is what she wants.
There could be many different reasons that she had changed, wanting to out being a little wild and all, influences around her, new friends, maybe even new male interest, not nessesarily having a child at a young age, but having a child at any age can sometimes shatter confidence and for a woman there is a need to feel desired or beautiful, and after years of sleepless nights, babysick and nappies and not being able to go out and then the child reaching an age where you feel safe enough to leave that child with family, friends, or childminder to let off a bit of steam and feel like a woman again, many woman could easily become attracted to that over the choice of nappies and the rather attractive "eau de sick" on her clothes daily there are many things that can change us as people, individually and together,and like me you can keep asking the "Whys" and twist yourself up inside and get absolutely no where or you can give her what she asks for and if its meant to be then she will come back for you and if its not then she won't,
But either way you will be at a better stage if you focus on yourself. Goodluck.

This may come off mean, but it's reality. She knows exactly what she wants. She just doesn't want the guilt that goes with it.

The only thing that matters right now, is that she DOES know she doesn't want to be with you anymore. As hard as it is, you just have to let it go, mate. Just keep coming back here whenever you need people to talk you down off the ledge of NC. We're all here to help.

Thanks guys, she just texted me to come over for dinner...
She asked me if I ate yet, and cooked chicken dinner and thought of me.

I replied:

No I haven't but I don't think that is a good idea.

I hope I did the right thing...

Why do people act like this? Out of the blue tonight she messeged me to come over for dinner... and just the other day she left me that message that I posted just above? To all the people here this really helps talking to you guys, at least I can talk over here without guilt.

I appreciate everyone's advice... I am just so confused on this! I started to finally accept this and I'm trying to do the best I can with NC, and It felt really good when I shot her down for dinner tonight... but I have this feeling inside me I did the wrong thing!

Is she just really confusing to me and not anyone else? Is this another attempt for her to have her cake and eat it to? I don't want to fall back into this... It took me a lot of guts to shoot her down tonight. I just wished she was the same person that fell in love with me and not this undecided back and forth girl I see now...

I love her so damn much it hurts still, but this is the first step to recovery or the beginning right? I did NC with her for the first few months we were apart when she dated another guy till it fell through and she started messaging me back.

I know I can do this... I am trying to put me first and respect myself this time I just wish she wouldn't do this to me.

Anyway thank you everyone I won't shy from coming here and updating you on my status you all been good inspiring help to me so far.

Some how she is trying to hold on to you but this isn't good for you and your healing.

You did the right thing by turning her offer down. Also, it would be in your interest not to read any text messages that you sends you.

She has a battle within herself that might can be address through counseling but not through you. Keep going on the path your going and don't fall weak, stay strong.

Liz she has stated to me she needs to find herself... and tha's kind of what you just responded... what does that mean though? Is there a reason why she is trying to hold onto me and then tell me she doesn't want me, it won't work and never will and were different people?

This is just getting really weird to me is this more a mental thing on her part? Maybe bipolar in some way? (being serious) cause its literally night and day with her... when I go over there its all fine for the night then when I leave she's jeykl/hyde all over again.

This just doesn't sound "normal" to me... I'm in law enforcement and I can read people pretty well unless love is involved:(

I am starting to think she may have a disorder instead thoughts?

Regarding his schoolwork, you have work with his teacher by maybe asking her if you can his homework assignments before hand. Make him do any miss assignment even if it gets handing in late. I had to do this with my daughter but luckily the teacher gave her a weekly homework assignment sheet at the beginning of each week. This made it easier to keep on top of things. A parent/teacher relationship is very important.


Artlady give you some great suggestions too to use. Take away things he like when he acts up and try on things no matter what. Don't be afraid of him nor let him get rid of things.

Talk, talk, and talk some more to him. When my daughter was acting up I punish her but I kept trying to talk to her regardless if she wanted to to try to get to the root of her anger.

Come to find out there were problems at school and she was very unhappy there. Can you believe that an 8 year old was getting pick on because of her race and had to deal with racist spurs from other kids her age? The school she went to was mostly filled with whites and there was only a handful of black kids. Marched right in the principal office the following day to address the issue. Luckily she has a good principal because he to addressed this serious issue right away and got a positive outcome. I am glad he did because I know violence isn't the best things but I wanted to beat up some third graders along with their parents because I couldn' believe the things that was being said and couldn't believe she had to deal with issue at such a young age.

So please talk, and talk to him but enforce the rules. If your hitting a brick wall by talking to him than take him to counseling to rule out ADD, ADHD, OCD, etc.

He phone number is 379 4796 and it runs every Monday 7.30 - 9pm, Thursday 8-9pm, Saturday 10am - 12pm. All calls are confidenti


Everyone has their own realization of what "finding yourself" means. Many seek it, some achieve it, and always it brings a sense of "inner peace".

To me, finding yourself means realizing what it is you want out of life. Lacked direction, motivation, drive, goals can make you feel lost and unhappy with yourself. Nobody wants to go through life flowing through it as a lost soul.

I don't know if your ex is just saying this to use it as an excuse but I know some people don't like to be tied down because they feel like they are missing out on something. It the "I wanted see what is on the other side of the door" syndrome.

When you are in love it goes blind you. It like you let your feelings interfere with your common sense. Sometimes it leaves you ignore things that you shouldn't.

When I said she is trying to hold on to you I meant she is playing the "I want you don't want you role" but keep in mind she knows exactly what she is doing. And most likely think your going stick around no matter what. This is called playing on your emotions and she is good at it.

The only thing I can say is "don't play her games". In the end you have to look out for you and protect your heart because if you don't who will?

Henderson78, this is that situation having your cake and eating it too. If she really wants to be with you she will want the whole package and not just call you when she feels alone or down- she does need the time to find out for herself what it is she really wants or what it is she doesn't want- in the meantime keep working on yourself and stay strong, no contact, there will come a time that you can decide with your head instaed of your heart. Soon you will see through what is happening to you.

Day by day this gets harder and harder to deal with, I think about her all the time...

I went on a date with someone and I find her pretty cool, has a great personality and all but I feel bad because I don't think my heart is in it. It has been almost 4 months now, a week since NC and I turned her down for dinner as well. I did reply to her on myspace and I think that was a bad idea as it lead into why we can't be together and why things are like this.

I have been told by numerous people I am a great guy, she even said it herself I have a lot to offer, I have a career, I treated her like she was the world to me and I even loved her son like he was my own... yet here I am. I am not an ugly guy either I get approached by girls when I go out but I just don't feel like I am into anyone at all and find myself hanging on to something hopeless.

I know if she loved me we would be together but I find myself not believing or wanting to believe this is the end...

I am in a new setting I only lived down here for about 2 1/2 years and she was 1 1/2 of it. I don't have any friends aside of work(im a leo) and its super hard to find anyone to go out and enjoy the night like I use to... does anyone have any suggestions? I am at the gym a lot I went when we were together so its not like that is helping just doing the "usual".

The guys on my squad took me out last Friday to a local cowboy ranch bar and it was really cool and relaxing, we shot pool all night and I had an old guy offer me a drink if I danced with his older friend who looked like she was in her late 40's early 50's. I just turned 30 by the way but I figured if it would make her day I would help so I did. Come to find out her husband was a deputy as well but passed two years ago and she seemed down by it. It felt really good making her day I mean she taught me how to line dance to "boot scoot boogie" and the guy came up to me later that night with a sincere gratitude and said it meant a lot to her and thought I was a good guy to help. He ended up buying the guys and myself a round on him and said any time I come back come see him and drinks on him. That made me feel really good about myself that I can play that type of effect on someone in need... aside of it being my job, I he doesn't know I am a deputy either.

Its Tuesday now, I still feel empty inside the only joy I get really is making others happy even though I am not. I hate living life like this... sometimes I find myself asking god why me, what did I do to deserve to feel like this and to make me happy again. I hope he answers my prayers as I try to live life the best I can

I read through a lot of posts on here and find myself coming back a lot to make me feel good I am not alone in this feeling. I wish everyone on here finds happiness again some day, everyone deserves that in life god or bad. I'll keep you guys posted on the happenings later.