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ealm141 · Sep 12, 2006, 11:05 PM

Since I've been with my boyfriend, I've always had a problem with jealousy. But with past boyfriends it was never an issue. Anyway, I try my hardest to control it and have been doing good until recently. He is going to a bachelor party this Saturday and will be going to a strip club. I just can't relax about this at all. I just keep getting the image in my head of him with a bunch of naked women and it makes my stomach turn. I don't know how to deal with this. He's never cheated on me and has never gone to a strip club the whole time we've been together (he went a few times when he was younger with his friends) but I just don't know how to make myself feel all right with this. I keep trying to tell myself that nothings going to happen, that all the attention will be on the groom. But I just can't stand the thought of him looking at them. Please help!

rolljeep · Sep 12, 2006, 11:36 PM

Don't even worry about it. You answered your own question by saying that he never goes to strip clubs. This is the guys night out, and being involved in several bachelor parties, everyone is their to have a good time at the future grooms expense. Its tradition.

Yes, he will come home very drunk at sunrise. Let them go out and celebrate with his friends last few days of freedom.

Believe me, strippers are their for one thing only: cash. They are not their to troll the crowds stealing boyfriends.

Let him have a good time and don't trip out on him. Bachelor parties are very sacred to most males, and you just would not understand being a female.

Krs · Sep 13, 2006, 01:37 AM

It's a bacholer party... quite understandable that a bunch of lads would go to a strip.
If this was a every wkend thing then yes I would worry but 1 bacholer party its no problem, and in any case as there will be naked women dancing I assume the dances will pick on the bacholer himself mostly ;)

Why don't you go out with your girlie friends that night instead of sitting at home worrying and waiting?

chuff · Sep 13, 2006, 02:38 AM

It's a bachelor party. It's sort of a right of passage. If he were spending his entire check in the strip club every time he got it then he'd have problems. If you went to a bachelorette party with a male stripper it would be the same kind of thing. It's just a night out.

Krs · Sep 13, 2006, 03:02 AM

Precisely Chuff, I agree, if it were a hen night full of crazy drucken women there would surely be a male stripper, its part of the whole evenings event.

ScottGem · Sep 13, 2006, 06:19 AM

You deal with this by realizing the problem is YOURS, not his. He is going to this party because he wants to celebrate with a friend who is getting married. Did he organize the party? Was a strip club his choice? If not, then the location of the party is immaterial. Look at it that he is not going to a strip club, but going to celebrate with his friend. His going is absolutely no reflection on your relationship or danger to it, unless YOU make it one.

Krs · Sep 13, 2006, 06:36 AM

ealm141, tell me - what do you seriously think is going to happen on that night in the strip club?

Fr_Chuck · Sep 13, 2006, 06:36 AM

I will agree, I guess as a pastor I should condemn the evils for strip clubs and the den of satan that they are, but I will do that in another post.

It is obvoius that he does not go to these places on any regular basis and this is a party for a friend that was arranged.

Also believe me in general there is a reason they keep the places sort of dark, if you actually saw most of those girls with the lights on, you would run. ( not all of course for those ladies on here that do that). There are various levels of clubs and the girls who dance there.

And you may be surprised that some dancers are actually college students who do just that dance, and pay their way though college.

So while no this is not a place to hold a church social, in the end, if your boyfriend was going to unfaithful he is no matter if he is at a church social or not.

So let him go, he will of course make up lies with his friends on how great it was and they will believe they had a lot more fun than they really did.

BIM · Sep 13, 2006, 06:53 AM

I understand your frustrations, I don't approve of strip clubs either. But as all other have said, he did not plan the party he is merely going to help celebrate with his friends. A word of advice, go out with your friends to keep your mind off him, and also, don't ask a lot of detailed questions the next day, it will only make your jealousy worse. I would just ask how the party went and if they all had fun and leave it at that.

Good Luck! Don't let the green bug make you a lesser person.

kp2171 · Sep 13, 2006, 08:26 AM

As all others have said, he's there for the buddy.

He's coming home to you, like he always does.

Men see women everyday they find attractive. Its just the way it is. You need to let it go. You want to tell him you don't approve of his going there, but you want him to be with his friend, fine. Don't lay out a big guilt trip.

The fact he doesn't frequent them is proof that he's not that kind of guy... and I agree, the only thing he's likely to come out of there with is an emptier wallet.

Do not drive yourself mad. He's with you.

ealm141 · Sep 13, 2006, 02:00 PM

Thanks for all your comments... I know I'm overreacting. It helps so much just to hear that nothing will happen. But Im curious too about what goes on in a strip club. I know the guys can't touch the girls but can the girls rub all over them? I think that's a big part of why I'm so scared because I have no idea what even happens there as far as lap dances or anything like that...

BIM · Sep 13, 2006, 02:34 PM

From what I have heard, the guys cannot touch them. But I have also heard that they can do lap dances. It also depends on the state you live in.

Just don't think about it, go out with your friends.

ScottGem · Sep 13, 2006, 03:17 PM

It does depends on where you are and the club. But even if that does happen, so what? Its unlikely, that he will have actual sex with any girl. And he is highly unlikely to change to how he feels about you because some girl is paid to rub against him.

Skell · Sep 13, 2006, 04:48 PM

Trust me, not much happens. They are actually pretty lame and boring and from my experience most males walk out saying how boring they found it. Just my experience though. I have been and been completely bored. Lukcy you can drink in there or it would be a complete waste of time. I suppose it depends on where you go too.
I wouldn't worry. He is there for his mates and will be coming home to you.

s_cianci · Sep 13, 2006, 04:54 PM

First of all, why is jealousy such an issue with this boyfriend but not with others? That's a very mixed message. Secondly, have you talked with him about how you feel regarding the situation? It's certainly your prerogative to be uncomfortable with him going to a strip club but it's just as much his prerogative to go regardless. A lot would depend on just how serious the two of you are with each other. Unless you two are to the point of contemplating marriage I don't think it's reasonable for you to object to his going even though you may personally disagree with the idea.

ealm141 · Sep 13, 2006, 05:04 PM

We are very serious. We live together and have been together for 3 years. I have talked to him about this a lot... almost too much to the point he's sick of me and isn't willing to reassure me about it at all. But I just feel like I need to hear it over and over but I feel like I have to beg for him to tell me.

JoeCanada76 · Sep 13, 2006, 05:11 PM

Oh, I agree with Father about how the guys always exaggerate how much fun they had.

Just because you go to the strip club, does not mean anything will happen.

At the same time I agree with father. That some of these women who look good afar, are probably very scuzzy looking up close.

Having a bachelor party is a ritual. You do not have anything to worry about.

Joe

J_9 · Sep 13, 2006, 05:59 PM

Sheesh I used to waitress at a club like this. It is basically a guy gathering and little attention is paid to the dancers actually. Only the real freaks got into "watching" them.

This is a place where guys can be guys with no influence from girlfriends. The "dancers" are there for mere distraction.

Let him have his fun because you know who he is going to come home to. Right? He will come home to you.

This is just a place where guys can have fun without girlfriends/wives interrupting.

Oh, Yeah, and I also saw many men take their wives to these places also. So, as the others said, this is a rite of passage, but in the end he will come home to you.

Also, I have to add that the bachelor will be getting more attention than your boyfriend.

kp2171 · Sep 13, 2006, 07:39 PM

Originally Posted by ealm141

We are very serious. We live together and have been together for 3 years. I have talked to him about this alot...almost too much to the point hes sick of me and isnt willing to reassure me about it at all. but i just feel like i need to hear it over and over but i feel like i have to beg for him to tell me.

There are some trust and/or self esteem issues here that really have nothing to do with the strip club. That's just an event that's letting this problem be of discussion.

You're likely going to need to find a way to balance this out if you want to keep a healthy relationship. Begging him to reassure you only lets him know 1) you don't believe him or/and 2) you are insecure

You're not a bad person because of this. Its normal to have some insecurities, and we all have our own little struggles to deal with. But if he is showing signs of becoming frustrated then you need to find a way to change your perspective. I know one guy who was happily married for a long time to a person who acted this way (jealous and insecure)... id have to say he was a one in a million guy. It would just wear me down to have to reassure over and over, especially when id been in a relationship that was serious and 3 years in the making.

So... try to find a way to deal with your insecurities that does not mean projecting them onto him. I PROMISE you, most guys are more attracted to a woman who is confident and assured (as most women are likely attracted to men that way)...

Find a friend, talk to a counselor, do whatever it takes for you to get a little more footing under you. Your relationship will be even better without the added noise and anxiety.

Krs · Sep 14, 2006, 12:29 AM

Originally Posted by ealm141

We are very serious. We live together and have been together for 3 years. I have talked to him about this alot...almost too much to the point hes sick of me and isnt willing to reassure me about it at all. but i just feel like i need to hear it over and over but i feel like i have to beg for him to tell me.

Please on that night, go out for a girls night out.
Don't stay at home moping around. Go out and have fun.. have a laugh with the girls, have a drink or 2 ;) so then the next morning you can swope funny stories with your boyfriend about last nights events.

Don't worry so much. I must amdit if my hubby went to a strip club for a bacholer party I wouldn't be jumping with joy.. its true! But if you trust him, what's the problem... He will be only looking and no touching..

Then the next night.. you give him his own private lap dance ;) that will make him completely forget lol