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    craigz1999's Avatar
    craigz1999 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 29, 2009, 02:21 PM
    Why does my Ex girlfriend still ask to sleep with me when she is engaged to another?
    Okay here's the deal. My ex and I had a relationship for 4 and a half years. We parted because she was very insecure with drinking issues. A former girlfriend of mine contacted her and made out I was cheating on her which I wasn't. But she believed it and basically our relationship broke down. We have a son who is now five.

    Anyway we stayed friends for two years, still slept together and hung out. Then we had the main break. She took a BF she met on face Book who lives 200 miles away. They got serious and I found out she was planning on taking our son with her to live with this new guy. They got engaged. I took her to court, mainly as my son was settled and has other siblings he is close to and all his support network. Well anyway she got engaged and I was happy for her to go but for our son to remain here. She drinks constantly and is unstable at times.

    Well since August last year she has mad sexual advances and many times we have ended up in bed together. She claims her BF, whilst a wonderful guy, is useless at most things including sex. Maybe another line she pun me. But what the hell is she doing? I have told her to sort herself out, but for some reason I feel sorry for her despite all the pain she has caused. Now she fears I will tell her BF about her cheating with me. I don't want to but Im thinking this guy would be in bits if he knew what she was up to. Apparently she told me his ex did it to him when she joined the army.
    Anyway I have told her to sort herself out and leave me alone. She says she is confused and still loves me. Man I want to kick her butt though we have our son in the middle. I am taking care of him more and more due to her emotional state. She says she has had long enough to know if it was just being used to me why she can't physically connect with this guy and says he isn't "manly" enough. He is a good looking guy. So would appreciate from girls on here why she isn't with him fully and coming back to me for strength, chemistry (she says the click exists with me but not him much) and the sex!

    Advice on what she wants from me? I leave her alone but she keeps calling and wanting me to go round when her fiancé is in his town.
    Yeah she wants her cake and eat it. But why she throing all this at me and doing it?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Mar 29, 2009, 02:45 PM

    Because you allow it. That simple. She knows you will let her have her cake, and eat it too. The rest is just an excuse. Lets be clear, your helping her cheat on this guy, and allowing her to cross some boundaries of good behavior.

    Maybe he is a rebound, I don't know and its not the point. Your actions are, so quit sleeping with her. Do you want her back, or what? Be honest with yourself.
    PirandelloLuigi's Avatar
    PirandelloLuigi Posts: 256, Reputation: 18
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    #3

    Mar 29, 2009, 06:00 PM
    What are you doing man? Don't sleep with her. She sounds very confused, it's like she likes a bit of the other guy and a bit of you. This is not good. Not healthy at all. Tell her you don't want to play games. Confusion=Low interest. Don't allow these games to continue. You must stop this or it's only going to get worse.

    Tell her to make up her mind.
    Ash123's Avatar
    Ash123 Posts: 1,793, Reputation: 305
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    #4

    Mar 29, 2009, 08:35 PM

    First of all, I love this posting title. It's a classic:
    "Why does my Ex girlfriend still ask to sleep with me when she is engaged to another?"

    (It was enough to get me out of semi-retirement.)


    Next, she does it because she is not a healthy person and you my friend are an enabler. She owns you because your brain has decided she is the only one that can make you feel good. She ain't.

    WALK. ASAP. Or you are more F---d up than her...

    The next girl is out there but you got to detox 6-9 months away from this madness... or she'll take you down with her.
    Hang in there. NEVER trade your soul for sex... Life has more to offer you buddy if you just... let it.

    Take care of that child. She can visit if she wants... but there's a reason you are apart... let it be.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #5

    Mar 30, 2009, 05:31 AM
    She does this because you allow it, don't pick up when she calls. Only be there for your son, that's your number one concern right now. Or if do want her back, then she has to choose, work on your relationship(with counseling) or she stays with him and the sex and late night calls STOP!
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
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    #6

    Mar 30, 2009, 05:47 AM

    Maybe your advantage of the situation too because if you didn't want to sleep with her and you knows she is engage( regardless how far her fiancé lives)-- you could've said no. I am sure she didn't put a gun to your head or force you to sleep with her.

    Also, you stated she is always drunk and unstable at times-- this too might explain her ways. Does she be drinking when she wants to sleep you? If so and you do, what does this say about yourself?

    In the end, she is cheating and your enabling her to do so. So the question is "why are you sleeping with your ex when you knows she is engage? Think about it before you answer. I don't want to hear "she", I want to hear " I do it because _________."
    craigz1999's Avatar
    craigz1999 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Apr 2, 2009, 12:58 PM
    Thanks for the insight everyone.

    Okay I must admit I myself have feelings for her. We've been off and on for 7 years. I left her alone when she said she had this new guy and she would ring me and tell me how great he was... well after just smiling and letting her get on with it I concentrated on our son we have. Eventually after a couple of months with this guy she comes back and starts "hitting" on me. Yes at first I said a straight "no"... but I kind of felt sorry for her and she used to call me up and I eventually relented and we ended up sleeping together.

    You are right. It was "I" who continued this. Now she has managed to resurface some "old emotions" I once felt. She says she is confused. Constantly tells me and her family "I'm strong and there for her". Well guess it is because I allow it. But she is on her own as her family sort of dismiss her to a degree.

    As for the sex yes, I'm guilty as she is. So I hold my hands up to that. She cries I'm pushing her away, yet I have hammered home lots of times "You want your cake and eat it or you want the best of both worlds." I've told her I will never love her again or get back with her, but if Im honest she has as stated rekindled some old emotions and Im afraid they are growing. Her BF suspects something. It isn't fair on him, as much as myself or her.

    But thanks for the insight. Weird, when I dismiss her she comes running back... why do some girls do that?
    craigz1999's Avatar
    craigz1999 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Apr 2, 2009, 01:00 PM
    Oh forgot... no she isn't always drunk when the sleeping together happened... But she spurts out most things when she is a bit drunk... don't they say a drunken man/woman speaks the truth?
    kctiger's Avatar
    kctiger Posts: 3,653, Reputation: 1319
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    #9

    Apr 2, 2009, 01:10 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by craigz1999 View Post
    Oh forgot...no she isnt always drunk when the sleeping together happened...But she spurts out most things when she is a bit drunk...don't they say a drunken man/woman speaks the truth?
    The problem with this is (and the quote is "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts") that when you are drunk, or the more drunk you get, the more the truth is distorted... your version of reality is a bit different when you are drunk, so you may speak the truth, or say how you feel, but it is usually a dumbed down version of the reality you are actually considering.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #10

    Apr 2, 2009, 01:12 PM

    You should be focusing on what's in the best interest of your son right now.

    She's cheating on her fiancé. She says she has better sex with you? So when she gets married, then what? She's going to continue this affair with you?

    She is extremely emotionally unstable. You've got to put a stop to this.

    Focus on your son.
    craigz1999's Avatar
    craigz1999 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Apr 2, 2009, 01:26 PM

    Thanks. She will hopefully now leave me alone and I will have the strength I had before to move on and concentrate on my son. But its hard when she rings up sobbing and threatening to jump out windows and stuff. It's a cry for help. She's started arguing with her BF too... even being as y as making references to me in many things. She is unstable. And has for many years. Even counselling never seemed to sort her out. I just feel responsible somehow, even though it isn't my fault how she is. But I guess I am fuelling it. She says she hasn't got over me. I have a hold on her. She says my family are her family (I have kids from a previous relationship).
    I told her she made her bed and she is responsible for lying on it now. Im not second best though I feel as though Im allowing myself to be that way.
    But thanks everyone again.
    kp2171's Avatar
    kp2171 Posts: 5,318, Reputation: 1612
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    #12

    Apr 2, 2009, 01:40 PM
    Just piling on the advice already given.

    You don't get to call her weak and then sleep with a person you claim is weak without being called out yourself. She sleeps with you because you let her. You choose this.

    Don't ask why "women" do this. It isn't gender specific. A man or woman can have their head up their arse and sleep with another whose head is likewise, well, you know... men do this. Women do this. It isn't about "women"...

    "i have feelings for her". That's fine. Understandable. Reasonable.

    Still, you control when your pants drop and when they don't... you don't get to sleep with an unstable person and then complain because they are unstable.

    Its like taking gifts from a rich lover and then complaining that they are trying to buy you, when you keep taking the gifts.

    She is in a bad place. You are a little better off, but using her so that you can displace your bad actions on her bad behavior.

    Your child deserves more than this.

    So... you don't get to stay with her (sleeping with her) and complain. You choose this or you choose to not be around it... its still your choice.

    Own it.
    craigz1999's Avatar
    craigz1999 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Apr 5, 2009, 01:27 AM
    So what's the deal with the ex girlfriend?
    Threads merged and edited.




    Last week I told her its over. To leave me alone and only contact me about our son. She can't have her cake and eat it, though she says it isn't like that and swears on our sons life. I said you don't love me. She says "how the hell do you know that?" Now she's confusing me. After ending it she calls up again and again. She was constantly crying, sending "No Doubt's song Don't Speak"... saying she can't bear to lose me... yet here she is engaged to another.

    I know you guys will say she is emotionally unstable. Ive been strong and walked away, despite my heart mending then being opened up again towards her.

    Just what is the real deal here? Girls, any comments?

    How do I save myself, her and our son. I must state he has been kept away from any emotional instability and protected.
    Thanks all.
    craigz1999's Avatar
    craigz1999 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Apr 5, 2009, 01:33 AM

    Oh forgot to mention Ive not been that manly by allowing this to happen I know... I had a choice... but emotionally I was sucked in and logic, and admit it we all been there at some point, went out the window. So I hold my hands up I was weak also...

    I just want to know why she is doing and saying all this to me? I just want closure if there is such a thing and some questions answered. She can't as she is so confused and I'm being pulled down too.
    Help! Please...
    R-J-S-InLove's Avatar
    R-J-S-InLove Posts: 80, Reputation: 2
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    #15

    Apr 5, 2009, 02:12 AM

    Well this sounds very bad...

    The question is after the break-up have you moved on??


    I think you need a break, you need time to think without her always around to emotionally weaken you


    How about changing your phone number? Take a break dear, no contacts with her and then think what exactly do you want

    I feel she's just trying use both of you...

    Try this, tell her that if she really wants you she must give up her drinking habits all together

    If she does it may be she's really wanting you back
    craigz1999's Avatar
    craigz1999 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Apr 5, 2009, 03:11 AM

    Thanks. I'm pretty sure she's playing me to a degree. That's why I've cut her off for good. She can't have two and I won't allow it. Besides, she needs to get help for her depression and drinking. She is very unstable, including ringing me up threatening suicide etc. I just don't know why she makes out her Bf is so great at first (was this to get at me, she says it was) and now she feels if Im in the BG to pick her up if things go wrong. I'm not second best and won't stand for it either. So time to be a man and kick her into touch I think and stop letting her get to me and my heart. Our son is priority and she needs to sort herself out.
    R-J-S-InLove's Avatar
    R-J-S-InLove Posts: 80, Reputation: 2
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    #17

    Apr 5, 2009, 03:19 AM

    Why don't you try and get your son's custody now that she's so emotionally unstable. Did you ever tried to take her to some counselor or to a rehab center??
    roxypox's Avatar
    roxypox Posts: 1,028, Reputation: 328
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    #18

    Apr 5, 2009, 04:19 AM
    Oh boy. What a lady! I have to admit that she sounds like my mom (addict also, pills) and your situation reminds me of my dad.

    I'm not going to beat on you for giving in and having your moments of weakness. She must be quite good at lying if she is able to convince the court that a bunch of lies are true.

    Also my own experience with addicts is that they get pretty good at cheating the system and wrap people around their pinky; controlling every thing.

    On that note if she is a drunk, it isn't good for your son to be in her custody, I'm guessing that you know this already (from what the OP says)... have you saved all the messages she has sent you, are their any 'evidence' of her instability there?

    It seems that your best bet is to try to get custody of your son, and seeing as you do have a kid together it is going to be hard for you to get rid of her completely.

    As for her calls and messages, you should continue to ignore them.

    This is how I interpret her behavior:

    The relationship with you was falling apart, she doesn't want or know how to be alone,

    She jumps into a relationship with someone, prob the first and the best (she met on Facebook? I mean how serious can that be?) When it isn't working out as well as she hoped... she comes running back to you. She knows you, she knows what strings to pull and what buttons to push. And there you are in a real big mess. With a kid stuck in the middle.

    If I were you I wouldn't believe a thing she says. (I say this from what I gathered from you post. She can't be trusted, and she is most likely only thinking about herself, and looking out for her interests and nobody else's... that includes you, the new BF and your son.

    As for saving yourself, her and your son:

    Well you can't save her, you can only save yourself... if she doesn't want help for her drinking issues then no amount of forced help is going to work. (some people might disagree with this... but my experience is that if the addict doesn't want help, then rehab etc is not going to work. I know a lady, a mother of 3, who were forced by her husband to go to rehab... she lied her way through it! [and yes I grew up in a messed up neighborhood, where all the moms are pill-poppers!)

    You need to find strategies for how to deal with her and STICK with them.

    What about an intervention for her? Does her parents/siblings/friends know about these problems? If not it mkight be time to let them know and get them involved, that way if they see the extent of it... then you might be able to help your son at least!

    Best of luck!

    Roxy
    R-J-S-InLove's Avatar
    R-J-S-InLove Posts: 80, Reputation: 2
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    #19

    Apr 5, 2009, 05:04 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by roxypox View Post
    On that note if she is a drunk, it isn't good for your son to be in her custody, i'm guessing that you know this already (from what the OP says).... have you saved all the messages she has sent you, are their any 'evidence' of her instability there?

    It seems that your best bet is to try to get custody of your son, and seeing as you do have a kid together it is gonna be hard for you to get rid of her completely.

    As for her calls and messages, you should continue to ignore them.
    Roxypox is right, its time you take some solid action against her and take it soon, you don't want to ruin your child's life because of that woman do you??
    craigz1999's Avatar
    craigz1999 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Apr 5, 2009, 05:40 AM
    You know Ive tried speaking to her mom but her mom just "brushes it to one side". I'm pretty much alone on this. She swears she isn't lying or being manipulative. But she is. I know it despite her denials. She freaks if I dare say I would mention all this to her BF, her cheating etc but that is just me stooping to a level I do not want to go, despite me leading it on so to speak.

    I guess she doesn't love me. She just like the previous poster stated "knows what strings to pull". So I don't know if it's the old saying "you don't know what you had till its gone" or what? Maybe she sees it partly that way... maybe it's a game.

    I am protecting my son as much as possible. There is limited evidence, most is hearsay. But is that the right way? She says I would destroy her if the courts or solicitors knew about her cheating on her BF and her suicidal attempts. Even her mom suggested hospitalisation for her.

    I have to stand firm on this. I do care a lot about her. I am the type of guy that doesn't want to see anyone "fall" but her falling is dragging me down with her and I fear I am losing myself respect a little. This just isn't me but 7 years is a long time and we've been through a lot.
    Anyway thanks everyone.

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