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    Daniel235's Avatar
    Daniel235 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 2, 2006, 08:36 PM
    Dealing With My Wife’s Promiscuous Past
    My wife and I have been married for 10 years and we have 2 daughters 8 and 9. Recently, she and I have talk and tidbits of information from her past come out and when I ask a more direct question about the tidbit, world war 3 erupts because now I am prying into her past and that the past should not be drudged up. Granted that she has had her share of lovers and possibly someone else’s share too, I realize that if she had been a guy no one would have thought twice about it. Quantity isn’t the bulk of the issue, as she has been tested and is clean, but the issue is how she has acted with and toward me for the last 10 years and some of the situations from her past. Sex between us early in the marriage happened about 1 to 2 times a week and recently we are experiencing a semi-annul event, not for lack of trying on my part. She has always been extremely prudish and reserved with me. It has recently come to light that in one of her often relationship in particular she was another man’s whore, literally. That said; she was with a guy that she had feelings for and hoped that he would develop similar feelings for her but never did. The extent relationship was sexual; “they would go out and party, return to his apartment, and he would have sex with her”. She said that meant he would only have sex with her if she laid face down on the bed so he could enter her from behind, not in the behind, it was uncomfortable and occasionally hurt, and when he was done sex was done. The relationship had very little intimacy such as hugs and kisses. She even said that she knew that he was treating her like whore but she stated with him anyway.

    I am by no means naive or uneducated, but I just plain don’t know how to deal with this. I love my wife very much, but being blunt about it I am not sure I how to deal with being married to “another man’s whore”, granted that that happened before we got together, but it is still confusing.
    rolljeep's Avatar
    rolljeep Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Sep 2, 2006, 08:52 PM
    That is a tough question to really answer, but it sounds to me that she might be having some regrets about her past flings or relationships and feels guilty about it.

    Just coming from another guys perspective... You know we all like to think our significant others were angels and we are one of the few and proud.

    Did you give her some negative body language and not realize it when you were talking?? You know how perceptive they can be.

    Perhaps you can try some new moves like the irate pirate or angry dragon to surprise her!
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #3

    Sep 3, 2006, 04:16 AM
    As I said in my other post. Counselling is needed. This will help you with the way to handle this situation. It will give you the tools on how to deal with your reactions to this. I am still curious why it took this long for her past to come up since you have been married for 10 years. If I were you I would be so hurt and I would be wondering if all this years maybe she was doing the same thing as in her past. It is hard to let go of the past especially if you feel that maybe the past is not the past.

    Joe
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #4

    Sep 3, 2006, 06:09 AM
    For starters you aren't married to "another man's whore". If you continue to think like that, you add to an apparently already overloaded problem she has. Do you really want to do that? I don't think so. People can make horrendous mistakes. As one who has an incredibly awful past, I can tell you it took me some major work with a professional to forgive myself and those involved. But I did and so now I can talk about it freely. I am very fortunate to be married to someone who understands that I am not my past, but a product of my past and that some parts are still fragile. I would guess that your wife has dipped a toe or two to test the waters and found them, for whatever reason, unsafe. That is worth you taking a look at as it's a good clue.

    I think you need to ask yourself what your motive here is. Are the two of you in trouble now (which is what I suspect) and is this just a part of that? If so, then it is perhaps time for a counselor to help navigate what are clearly some murky waters. But if this is all it is then you could simply apply the "let sleeping dogs lie" rule and live happily ever after too.

    Or you could continue to pick at the scab that has healed over and unleash a torrent of feelings and concerns that you are not prepared to handle with your wife. And would still be required to answer the question: to what end do you do that?

    It does say something to me that you managed to marry and live with someone for ten years and it only comes to light now that you might not know everything about each other's past. I find that strange at best and frankly begs the question: if you didn't need to know any time before, why now?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #5

    Sep 3, 2006, 06:40 AM
    Many of us have pasts, and as people get older, they have longer past.

    I have always been open with my spouse of my past and it is long and things I do regret. I grew in in a life style of the late 60's and 70's.
    We would often party and knowing the first name of the other person was about all the "getting to know" we cared about. And only Satan could have wrote the stories about my life in Mexico.

    And what about the man or women who were married before and actually loved their previous spouse and did not want a divorce but were forced into it by the other. They have to start over again after fullying loving another person.

    In many ways not speaking about your past means that the other party does not have to get jealous then angry and then have to work getting over that.

    Next of course you did not say your or her age, or if the lack of sex desire has happened after some event ( such as having a baby) ( or not having a baby) ( change of life) and a 100 other things that causes hormone imabalances.

    But you don't really need to worry, care or ask about her past, if she had wanted you to know, she would have told you. Does it make a difference if she had been a nun or a hooker, she changed her life and has decided on makinig a life with you.

    And you choose her for who she is, not who she was. Thank God no one judges me on who I used to be.

    I think that over time gthere has been issues coming up and as stated you need some serious counseling. And if you don't tell her you are sorry for prying and never ask or say a word about it again and she may start feeling you love her for her again ( personal guess)
    Taukame's Avatar
    Taukame Posts: 92, Reputation: 26
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    #6

    Sep 3, 2006, 07:48 AM
    Another point that has not been addressed is that your wife has been abused. She has experieced what has amounted to rape, repeatedly. Is it possible that you have done or said something that has brought these feelings back up to the raw ooozing wound stage? I am not saying that you did it on purpose, but you may have said something a certain way, or something like that. Trauma doesn't go away just because we don't talk about it, it just goes into hibernation until something happens to remind us that it's still there waiting to be dealt with.
    Now, as far as what you should do. Love your wife, be patient, be kind be respectful, you know, be her husband, not her judge. Be grateful that you have her and she has you. You two are not completely separate entities, you are a part of her she is a part of you. You are a family. Family means you can't toss them out just because they made a mistake, especially if that mistake happened over ten years ago, when we were young and foolish. When we didn't think past this moment or believed there was anything more important than today.
    Good luck!
    K_3's Avatar
    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #7

    Sep 3, 2006, 08:09 AM
    Let me ask you a question, if you and your wife were still having sex 1 or 2 times a week, would there be a problem? Has anything else changed in your relationship? I detect some sort of anger or bitterness behind your words. Calling your wife somebody else's whore is so disrespectful. If you are thinking these thoughts I do not know how you can hide those thoughts. I am sure they show in your actions and things you say to her. Possibly not directly, but little hints here and there. She must be feeling some animosity or negativity on your part. 10 years and 2 children, that is a long time to be married and all of a sudden you are looking at her as somebody else's whore. I am sorry, but I find that remark offensive after all of this time. Come on, there has got to be more to this story. You have to know everyone has a past. How about your past?

    When she did the things she did she was much younger and it was a different time in her life, she felt differently about herself. Be patient and look at your reasons also.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #8

    Sep 3, 2006, 08:15 AM
    Originally she stated to him that if he died she would just go back to her ex. There must be things on both sides, but she refuses to go to counseling which is a red flag. He wants to go to counselling. I recommended it for him to help him work through his insecurities, his thoughts, his actions. Maybe if that helps then it will help both of them.
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #9

    Sep 3, 2006, 08:21 AM
    Oh thanks Joe, now I see both posts and it yields a bigger picture. I absolutely agree, best to seek counseling yourself, Daniel, even if she won't go. You both seem to have made some choices here that have come home to roost, so to speak. You can only address yours and either she will or won't address hers.
    K_3's Avatar
    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #10

    Sep 3, 2006, 11:38 AM
    Thanks Joe, I did not know there was another thread. It puts a whole different light on the subject. Definite counseling on both parts.
    Daniel235's Avatar
    Daniel235 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Sep 3, 2006, 02:16 PM
    I agree counseling is the right choice even if by myself. As for the name calling, the words that she was his whore came out of her mouth. I a trying to deal with the results. I don't consider her a whore or anything of that nature ever before.

    K_3: as for the sex, it currently about twice a year.
    GaryArt's Avatar
    GaryArt Posts: 43, Reputation: 12
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    #12

    Sep 4, 2006, 01:52 AM
    Not sure whee the other post is, but as far as what's been said here, first of all Valinors is entirely correct in saying you are not married to "another man's
    whore" - A whore is a prostitute, a person who exchanges sex for money. What you have described regarding that aspect of you wife's past constitutes being another man's victim, which is very different.

    Second of all, rolljeep asked a very pertinent question, because there are two possible reasons that jump out at me for her reluctance to discuss some of her past with you, and one of them is this: Are you conveying any judgment, negativity, or disapproval when she does talk about it?

    It could be that she perceives that you will no longer accept or love her if you learn certain things about her, potentially a very serious problem, because it indicates that she may feel she cannot be comletely honest with you. If she feels that way, then she may feel she has to conceal certain things from you to keep your love. Thus, the bond of trust - without which a marriage is not true or real, and cannot survive - is eroded... and is very difficult to repair, and is not even always repairable.

    The second issue is, consider that she may be very ashamed of something, and not want to confront it, especially with someone whose esteem she values, or who may want to know about it merely out of curiousity, for the benefit of his own ego, or in connection with their own sex life.

    No one is going to want to relate a horrific experience from their past to someone who is going to look at them with revulsion after they hear it. No one is going to want to tell a story about the past to someone important to them if they are afraid the person will reject them after hearing it. And while talking about sex in general can be a prelude to actual sex, asking someone to tall you about past sexual abuse is not going to turn them on.

    Do you have any idea as to why she thinks you want to know? Her notion as to why you're asking may be the reason she does, or does not, want to talk to you about it. And maybe you should ask yourself, "Why do I want to know?" Is it because I am so crazy in love with my wife, I want to know everything? Is it because it seems like something is bothering her, and I want to help her with it no matter what it is? Why do you want to know? Are you absolutely sure your only motive is to help your wife? Are you sure she understands that?

    I'm not saying any of that is the case with you, just that you should look at it.

    And you should ask yourself these questions: If there is something from your wife's past that was so traumatic that it still affects her negatively, do you love her enough to support her while she works through it? Even if it hurts you to know about it? Even if it takes a long time? Even if it negatively impacts you in some way? Even if she needs to work through it with a professional and you are not involved in the aspect of it that are just about her and her past? Even if it becomes clear that it has nothing to do with you, and thet even after she works through it it may be a long time (if ever) before she is comfortable telling you all of the details?

    Good luck. Amor vincit omni.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #13

    Sep 4, 2006, 02:02 AM
    For all those who are wondering about the other post. Reading the other post will give you a better view of the whole picture.

    Here is the link:

    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...end-33229.html
    Daniel235's Avatar
    Daniel235 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Sep 4, 2006, 07:23 AM
    My response to my wife was a sympathetic one, I haven't expressed my feelings about this to her and as I said before; I am not and have not called her a whore she used those words.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #15

    Sep 4, 2006, 07:26 AM
    Daniel, instead of posting two separate posts. With different tidbits of info in each. It would have been a lot easier to just make the one post, then you will not be getting people assuming that you called her a whore. It is just a misunderstanding. I put up a link of your other post. Before they comment on this post they need to read your other post as well. Then everybody else will be on the same page. So be patient. Do not take things personal.

    Joe
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #16

    Sep 4, 2006, 09:40 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Daniel235
    I am not sure I how to deal with being married to “another man's whore”, granted that that happened before we got together, but it is still confusing.
    Let me clarifiy something in this. I understand she was the first to use the words so I was careful not to suggest you called her that, but this quote of yours is where I got the impression that you picked up on her cue and continued it... this is why I challenged your thinking of her as that. If you don't think of her as that, then that's good! But you might want to choose your words more carefully than what it shown here.

    I agree that one post would have gone a long way in helping us see the whole picture. And there still is a lot of confusion about how the two of you got this far with so little understanding of each other and your individuals pasts and why that comes up as an issue now? Let's have the whole story and give it a fighting chance, perhaps?
    K_3's Avatar
    K_3 Posts: 304, Reputation: 74
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    #17

    Sep 4, 2006, 11:27 AM
    I agree with Val, I asked some questions and I think if you answered them it would help everyone understand better. It is difficult to understand why all of this came up after so long a period or has it always been there. It is quite confusing to me.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #18

    Sep 4, 2006, 11:31 AM
    I agree as well. One post would have been easier plus what is on everybodys mind but has not been answered is. Why all of a sudden or why all of this out in the open in 10 years. Was it a slow built up of things said. A lot of this stuff should have been resolved before getting married and obvously it was not. What all of a sudden changed? Or are you trying to figure that out that is why you will not answer the question because you do not know yourself?
    Daniel235's Avatar
    Daniel235 Posts: 9, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Sep 4, 2006, 02:25 PM
    This is a recent happening, over the last month or so. An example is: we are talking and a tidbit of something would come out and further into the conversation another tidbit comes out then I ask about the tidbits, collectively, and that's when an event in her life spills out. We haven't had any changes or drastic happenings for a long time, more than 6 months at least. I'm just in awe at the things from her past and I posted about this one because so far it, in my opinion, is the most significant. If I had found a diary and brought up things found there then she would be right to have a fit because I would have been prying, but all the prying that I am doing is asking about the tidbits of information and the resultant situations that spill forth.
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #20

    Sep 4, 2006, 02:32 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Daniel235
    This is a recent happening, over the last month or so. An example is: we are talking and a tidbit of something would come out and further into the conversation another tidbit comes out then I ask about the tidbits, collectively, and thats when an event in her life spills out. We haven't had any changes or drastic happenings for a long time, more than 6 months at least. I'm just in awe at the things from her past and I posted about this one because so far it, in my opinion, is the most signifigant. If I had found a diary and brought up things found there then she would be right to have a fit because I would have been prying, but all the prying that I am doing is asking about the tidbits of information and the resultant situations that spill forth.
    I understand this part of it, just as you have explained it now, even if it's a little hard to believe that nothing out of the ordinary precipitated her sudden sharing of her past. I can see why its in "tidbits" as you say though, she is testing the waters. Is any of this being offered as an explanation about why she is so seldom sexually interested? Or is that unrelated? And still it remains a question about how you managed to marry a woman you didn't/don't know very well? Are you from a culture that arranges marriages? Or prohibits talking openly before marriage? Forgive me, I don't mean to pressure you but if you want good help here its important to be forecoming.

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