My 23 year old son moved out of the city when he went to college. He wasn't able to continue because of financial problems. Jobs have dried up and he isn't able to get work, and I found that he was selling his blood to buy food. I talked him into moving home with me and my new husband. He doesn't want to be here but he can't get work and move back home. Problem is that he Won't look for work here. He sits in his room all day. He doesn't even shower or shave. Talking doesn't help, he won't talk and apparently doesn't listen. Its creating massive tension between my husband and I. I can't throw him into the streets with nothing, but I can't force him to listen to me and do what he should to help himself. What do I do?

I know all too well what a rough time it is to find work right now. I have a daughter who graduated in December still looking for work, a son who will graduate this month, and another who will graduate in June.

Let him know you need to have a talk about what his plans are. Offer to help with doing searches for jobs or any networking that you might be able to do. Watch for job fairs that may come to the area. If he can't find something in his field, encourage him to try to find anything for right now while he continues to look. Maybe even check into temp agencies, so at least he will be bringing in some money, won't have a large gap of unemployment or schooling on his resume, and will have a reason to get back into the world.

Would finishing his schooling be an option? What about using student loans, grants, or scholarships?

If you need to, give him a time frame... maybe six months to get back on his feet. Only do so, however, if you are actually willing to stick with it.

If nothing else, he can at least contribute around the house while he looks for work. Give him some set responsibilities to earn his keep so to speak.

It's a rough time... understandable for him to be discouraged. I hope something turns up for him before too long.

I'm not certain I'm using this site corrctly, this is an attempt to add to my original post. The problem isn't that he isn't having any luck looking for work. The problem is is will not attempt to look for work. He's quit saving and showering and sleeps all day hiding in his room. He won't talk, doesn't want my help and my husband is so frustrated with his behavior that I don't have six month. I very soon will be faced with an option of throwing my son onto the street or watching my husband move out. I don't have the ability to send him to school. Loans are not an option - my ex-husband's (my son's father) oldest son defaulted on his student loan that I had cosigned for and it's forced me to take out a loan larger than I can comfortably handle to pay it off, and its ruined my credit rating.

It sounds as though your son may be depressed since he has quit showering, shaving and sleeps all day. This is common right now with the economy the way it is.

Do you think maybe your son considers himself a failure because he had to sell his blood to eat, then was talked into moving back home?

Rather than being angry with him, look at it from his point of view. At this time in his life he should be providing for himself, maybe getting married and starting a family. Yet he is forced to move back in with Mom and Step-Dad.

Ok, could be several issues, but is it possible that he also did not look for work where he was either after he lost his one job?

But at times if being nice won't work, you give him so many days, and sadly throw him out ( evict) if he does not do something

I don't know that I could bring myself to kick him out. He has no where to go and no money. I believe that he's depressed but as an adult I can't force him to get help. This isn't the child I raised, he was outgoing, intelligent, hard working and clean. I guess there just are no answers. Maybe just your prayers

I can certainly pray. I will add your son to our prayers. HAve you taken everything in to consideration. Is your son clean of vices? Any poor habits or warning signs? Would it be possible to speak with him when you see that he is possibly having a good day? It's a fine line of encouraging him, allowing him his time to adjust to his changes in life and not enabling him all the while being alert to potential dangers. Best wishes to you and your family. God Bless

I like what DoulaLC had to say. All reasonable expectations for a son now described as hard working, outgoing and intelligent as you said jsmom, before the bottom fell out.

Except, he is exhibiting an unknown element here, which is the source of his now, totally opposite behaviour. I'm sure this is not what you expected when you invited him home.

I don't think there is a doubt that he is depressed. This can really be debilitating to an otherwise outgoing individual who finds themselves unable to cope with the world. He too would not likely have thought he'd ever end up in this condition.

Maybe, if he won't talk, sit down with your husband and come up with a plan. Enlist the help of local clinics who treat depression and who can offer some advice, and counselling. Put your impressions of his behaviour, and your genuine concerns for his health and safety, in a letter without harsh words, accusations and criticism.

Include brochures and phone numbers. Offer to make the appointment, offer to get him to the family doctor for a physical. Maybe go as far as making the appointment.

List what you are willing to do, and what you expect that he will do in return. It is not an option that he do nothing.

Give him a week to decide on what he will do as far as outside help. As far as living with him, start with small expectations that you know he can do without help. Tell him he has to have a shower every day, or do a load of laundry. Him being able to stay there until things turn around for him depend on him doing these things.

With that kind of thinking, you are offering concrete steps, achievable goals, and incorporating long-term planning. Start simple, but set clear expectations for next week, the week after, etc.

Because of the type of person you know him to be, I think he can turn this around without you having to jump from where you are to tossing him out. That should be the absolute last resort. I believe he is worth the effort.

Good luck.

There are many mental illnesses that first present during the late teens and early 20s. Stress can push someone predisposed to a mental illness such as depression into a full blown episode.

Early adulthood is a very stressful transition for many. Everyone, and I mean everyone has a breaking point. Each person can only cope with so much stress before they develop symptoms of lacking the skills needed and begin to break down.

Left alone depression can develop or other even more serious mental illnesses can set in with their coping mechanisms breaking down as they go though day after day of self neglect, responsibility neglect, and other self defeating behavior which can become a bad habit or worse, escalate into a full blown mental illness.

Isolating, stopping personal hygiene, sleeping, refusing to look for work could be symptoms of a treatable illness.. They are common symptoms in a number of different mental illnesses. I hope you encourage him to make an appointment with the Community Mental Health Clinic before you throw him out. If he is suffering from depression or some other illness instead of laziness, it would be best to find out before he hits the streets. Be supportive, but set some expectations and goals and help him go through the motions accomplish them.

Most mental illnesses are treatable and consumers of mental health can be helped and taught how to enjoy life again and cope with the responsibilities of every day living.

If it turns out your son is just being lazy, call around to shelters for homeless men or group homes and make a list. Let him pack up what he wants to take and tell him you will give him a ride to his choice of shelters, or to a friend's couch or whatever. Let him know you love him but that you cannot continue to see him day after day unable to even wash his face or comb his hair.

Good luck!

My son is the same way he is just not motivated. He lived with his dad and his dad just ignored him. I lost a guy who I was going to marry because he could not deal with seeing my son not want to do anything. He even got jobs for my son and my son did not want to do them. I shouldhave made him work but I did not and now my ownfamily blames me for how my son is and it sucks.