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    aer323's Avatar
    aer323 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Feb 7, 2009, 06:54 PM
    Why doesn't my boyfriend EVER seem to want me sexually?
    Other than the sex thing, I believe I really do have the world's greatest boyfriend. He is extremely nice to me, always telling me how much he loves me, always wanting to cuddle in bed, always doing anything to make me feel loved, always telling me how "cute" or "hot" I am... he even will tell his friends right in front of me how cute and amazing of a girlfriend I am, which in my past experience is something guys do not usually do. They are usually afraid of being viewed in a negative way by their friends. But not my boyfriend... he will announce to the world how much he loves me. Also, on a daily basis, he tells me how much he wants to marry me. He tells me he has never loved anyone like he loves me and how he would never leave me, cheat on me, or betray me in any way. I really do believe he loves me and I so completely love him as well. However, when it come to sex, there is a MAJOR problem. Now I may not be the hottest girl on the face of this earth, but I have also never had a guy turn me down for sex either. I have never had a problem in my life with someone wanting me sexually, whether it be a boyfriend or otherwise. With him, it has always been a huge problem. At first, I was still technically married, so we both agreed we would wait until the divorce went through. But then, about 2 months into our relationship, we had sex. The night we did, he had a huge problem getting himself to do it, but eventually, it happened. After that, we didn't again for about 2 weeks or so. Then it was a solid 2 months before we did again. At this point, we have been together about 8 months and I swear, I bet we have had sex no more than 10 times. I have tried making advances toward him, in fact, not 2 hours ago, he stood in front of me and I tried to undo his zipper to give him oral sex and he said, "If you want to play, that's fine, but just give me a minute or so"... um, okay, I'm still waiting. No, he is NOT into porno, and NO he is definitely not gay, and NO there is no other girl involved... I am with him almost every second of the day. We never get sick of each other, which is something we just discussed the other night. He always has a different excuse though for not having sex. Some of the excuses have been: Just give me a minute, I have had a traumatic sexual experience a few years ago (but won't say what), I have a problem with getting it up due to my medication, I'm too tired, I'm too much in pain (he has major problems with his back, even has rods in it), and I didn't know you wanted sex (later the next day when discussing it). I am at a loss here. I love this man more than anything. I know he loves me. But I will not marry him when we have this issue between us. I don't think I am asking so much. If I could even get him to have sex with me once a week or so, I could live with that. I know I have a huge sex drive, but I don't think once a week is a lot at all, considering I could handle with ease 1-2 times a day. Am I being selfish here? Is sex really important enough to lose a guy that I know loves me wholeheartedly? I have tried talking to him about this and what it is doing to my self-esteem, but he just assures me I am beautiful and says it's not me. It doesn't change the fact that it is ruining me emotionally. I just don't know what to do. Other than this, everything is so fairytale perfect. He is everything I have ever wanted, but I need to feel WANTED sexually too!
    bronzebabe's Avatar
    bronzebabe Posts: 333, Reputation: 62
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    #2

    Feb 7, 2009, 07:36 PM

    He Obviously has a problem or two sexually. Does he have issues staying erect when having sex? does he engage in foreplay? when a man tells me #1. he had a bad experience, and #2. he has issues because of medicine, he IS having a problem. Was he molested or raped? did a gal cheat on him? we just don't know- and neither do you. Medicines DO cause erection issues, my hubby has had that problem. You MUST speak with him. Get to the bottom of his problem. Something IS wrong.
    Choux's Avatar
    Choux Posts: 3,047, Reputation: 376
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    #3

    Feb 7, 2009, 08:28 PM

    Young guys don't have a problem with desiring sex unless there is something seriously wrong. Big red flag.

    Do you support him? He may be into you just for the perks he gets from you financially.
    aer323's Avatar
    aer323 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Feb 7, 2009, 11:25 PM

    To answer your questions:

    1. Yes, he has at times had problems staying erect, but really only once or twice. Hasn't happened in a while.

    2. He usually does engage in foreplay with me, but sometimes I get pissed because it's not enough for me. I can have multiple-o's, and if he gives me one or two, that isn't enough. I don't usually say anything though. Don't want to hurt his feelings.

    3. He is living with me in my house, but due to being laid-off, neither of us have jobs right now. He is waiting for is disability claim to come through. He truly has major back problems and needs another surgery. He does have issues with self-worth because of this, and although I realize it may be one of the reasons he has problems with sex, it doesn't keep me from feeling worthless and unwanted sometimes. I do not think he is just into me for financial reasons, because if that was all it was, I don't think he'd be able to keep an act up for this long. He could go live with a friend that has offered to him before he ever lived with me. He knows he could go there at any time.

    4. He has been cheated on. I don't know how many times, but I know at least a couple of women have cheated on him. Other than that, I don't know what traumatic sexual thing there could be. I am actually friends with his ex (not one that cheated on him) and she has known him for about 10 years. She says she doesn't know of any other traumatic events he has had sexually or otherwise, other than his father's and brother's deaths.

    5. I have talked to him about this so many times, my head would spin if I tried to count. It is almost a daily topic with us. Everything else is so amazing between us, but this is the only thing we ever have an issue with. I thought talking would help, but apparently not. I don't want to leave him, but I don't know what else to do. I can't live like this forever. I am a woman and I have needs. Sometimes I swear, I just want to yell, "F*** ME ALREADY!!".

    Also, I forgot to add that he is 30 and I am 34. (We will be 31 and 35 in the next month).
    MrEasy's Avatar
    MrEasy Posts: 112, Reputation: 17
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    #5

    Feb 8, 2009, 10:54 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by aer323 View Post
    To answer your questions:

    1. Yes, he has at times had problems staying erect, but really only once or twice. Hasn't happened in a while.

    2. He usually does engage in foreplay with me, but sometimes I get pissed because it's not enough for me. I can have multiple-o's, and if he gives me one or two, that isn't enough. I don't usually say anything though. Don't want to hurt his feelings.

    3. He is living with me in my house, but due to being laid-off, neither of us have jobs right now. He is waiting for is disability claim to come through. He truly has major back problems and needs another surgery. He does have issues with self-worth because of this, and although I realize it may be one of the reasons he has problems with sex, it doesn't keep me from feeling worthless and unwanted sometimes. I do not think he is just into me for financial reasons, because if that was all it was, I don't think he'd be able to keep an act up for this long. He could go live with a friend that has offered to him before he ever lived with me. He knows he could go there at any time.

    4. He has been cheated on. I don't know how many times, but I know at least a couple of women have cheated on him. Other than that, I don't know what traumatic sexual thing there could be. I am actually friends with his ex (not one that cheated on him) and she has known him for about 10 years. She says she doesn't know of any other traumatic events he has had sexually or otherwise, other than his father's and brother's deaths.

    5. I have talked to him about this so many times, my head would spin if I tried to count. It is almost a daily topic with us. Everything else is so amazing between us, but this is the only thing we ever have an issue with. I thought talking would help, but apparently not. I don't want to leave him, but I don't know what else to do. I can't live like this forever. I am a woman and I have needs. Sometimes I swear, I just want to yell, "F*** ME ALREADY!!".

    Also, I forgot to add that he is 30 and I am 34. (We will be 31 and 35 in the next month).
    There could be some answers in what you wrote above. Ans. #1 He may well have a problem with erections. If you're only averaging sex once every 3 weeks, at 30 years old he should be hard as steel by that time. Perhaps he knows he can't perform as regularly as you would desire so he avoids the issue with alternate excuses.
    Ans. #2 If you have let him know you're pissed off at him for not satisfying you completely, that can kill sexual desire to the point that he would rather avoid sex than to disappoint you again.
    Ans. #4 Perhaps the reason he was cheated on by 2 or more former girl friends was due to the same thing you're going through with him. Maybe he's just not a sexual person. Some people aren't. They want the closeness of a relationship but could care less about a sex. If that's who he is, then I don't see him changing.
    Then there's the other physical side you mentioned regarding his back. If he already has rods in his back, on medication and needing another surgery, then this is someone you can expect normal physical activity from. If he's qualifying for disability and will not be able to work then his physical condition would likely continue to deteriotate further due to limited physical activity to stay fit.
    A lot of people who go through these ordeals suffer depression because of their limitations and the side effects of anti-depressants is loss of libido and ED further compounding your lack of sex problem.
    You are trying to make a decision about this relationship that you're not sure about and not pleased with the sexual aspects of it so this is maybe a little more information than you wanted to hear but certainly facts that you need to consider before making up your mind.
    Good luck to you.
    chrissymarie's Avatar
    chrissymarie Posts: 563, Reputation: 53
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    #6

    Feb 9, 2009, 12:49 PM

    I think ihe's worried about his performance and you being so aggressive about sex is not helping. You need to have a talk with him and let him know sex is an important part to a relationship for and without you won't be happy and you don't want to continue much longer not beinf fulfilled physically. Let him know your willing to help him with any problems he's having. Any problems what so ever and don't judge him.
    aer323's Avatar
    aer323 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Feb 10, 2009, 12:29 AM

    I really TRY not to be aggressive about it, but my frustration always seems to get to me in the end and I guess it just comes out. But I NEVER judge him if he has a problem physically. In fact, I have even told him (and this is true) that I would rather he try and fail then not try at all. If he tries, then at least I will know he is truly attracted to me and actually WANTS to be with me.

    He wrote me a really long letter last night on my myspace and told me that it's not me, that he just has issues with his own self, like how he feels about his appearance, etc... but I have told him so many times, over and over, that I don't care about his scars and all the other things he is so worried about. I explained to him that I have my own issues with weight and that I just have to trust that he loves me the way I am and not get hung up on it. And that's true. It's like he doesn't trust that I love and accept him the way he is. That really hurts my feelings. Why should I just trust he loves me as I am, but not have him do the same? This whole thing just seems like a mind- and it's destroying me emotionally. I do feel a little bit better though that he took some time to address the issue in a long letter to me. It seems like it may be a start to healing whatever is wrong inside him so I can have ALL of him eventually. I do not want to give up on him. I truly love this man, and I think leaving him will only make things worse for him, maybe even verify that he was right about his insecurities. So I am just going to try and stick by him and hope that all my reiteration helps after a while. I am getting closer to believing that he truly is attracted to me. I think he just needs my support, and if I am going to consider marrying him like I am, then I think this is just a hurdle we need to get over like any other couple. Looking back at my first post, it seems a little selfish I guess. But I really am not just out to "get mine"... I just want us both to have a happy, healthy sex life. I just want to bring passion to an already great relationship.
    alexmei's Avatar
    alexmei Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Mar 19, 2011, 01:03 PM
    Wow this is a really old post but you seem like an amazing person and it's great that you are sticking with your boyfriend through his difficulties. I myself had some eating disorders and I don't think I would have gotten through it if it weren't for my boyfriend at the time who stuck by me for a year of pretty much torture to him.

    I really hope your boyfirend can get over his issues. Don't feel personally guilty if he doesn't though. No one else can pull you out of a deep depression it needs to come completely from within. Though, having someone you love around can really help you smell the roses.

    I would really like to know how things are going for you and your boyfriend and if you are even together. You sound like an awesome person and I wish the best for you! You are doing something selfless and will be superwoman if you can learn to stay emotionally strong yourself through all of this.

    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #9

    Mar 19, 2011, 10:41 PM

    Two year old thread CLOSED

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