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    rus01's Avatar
    rus01 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Sep 27, 2006, 11:14 AM
    Trouble forgetting my girlfriends past
    Hi everyone,

    I was wondering if any of you could help me out a bit. I've been with my girlfriend nearly 4 months now, and up until about 5 weeks ago, it was going amazing.

    Let me just tell you that we live away from each other at the moment, as we met over the internet, but we see each other every weekend and text everyday.

    But on a Wednesday night a few weeks back, she went out with a couple of friends to a club for a drink and a dance. I was completely fine with that. A bit later on that night, she sent me a message, saying that some guy there was giving her some trouble, and was coming onto her. Naturally I was really worried and stressed about it. She sent me another text message later on that night saying that the guy had been sorted out, and that her friends were now looking out for her. I felt a bit better about it. The next day she sent me a message, telling me exactly what happened. Basically, she was sitting chatting with her friends, and they were all having a drink. A bit later, her friends got up to have a dance, but she decided to stay sat down, and some guy was eyeing her up and started to move in on her. Long story short, she kept pushing him away and trying to get away from him, but he didn't stop and he kept trying to "feel her up". She eventually managed to get away and run off to the bathroom, where one of her friends found her crying. She told her friends and after that they all stayed with her.

    All this made me furious at first, not with her, but with the situation in general. It was so frustrating, I cried about it quite a few times. We chatted about it and talked it through and we were both upset about it. I told her my feelings about it, and she was totally fine about them.

    Anyway, a couple of days later, and it was still playing on my mind, and we got onto the subject of ex's and things like that. She emailed me while I was at work, telling me all about her past.

    Now this is the bit that I found, and still do, find hard to accept and move on from. She said that she had been going out with a guy when she was 19 (she's 26 now) and that lasted for a year, and then she met another guy after that ended, but it was only a fling. Then she was with a guy for 4 years, but that ended because he didn't care much for her, leaving her feeling crap and really bad about herself. She admitted that she had been out to clubs while she was with this guy and flirted with other guys in clubs, but only because she wanted to be loved and wanted some attention, because she wasn't getting any from her boyfriend. They split up soon after, and she began to look on internet dating sites. In a space of a year and a half, she went on dates with around 50 guys, although only a handful went any further than one date. She told me that she was desperate to find someone who would like her and treat her good, which I can understand.

    However, the thing that I find hard to stomach is that she had a couple of flings in that year and a half time, with both guys she'd met on the internet, and guys she'd met in clubs or pubs (she worked behind the bar in a pub for a while). She also told me that she had 2 short relationships, but the longest they lasted was 3 months, if that.

    I know she loves me so much, and I love her so much too, because we have both talked about things like this together, so we both know how each other feels, we always get things out into the open and discuss them.

    I realise everyone has history, and it should stay in the past where it belongs, but sometimes when it pops into my mind briefly, its hard to get rid of the thought. I know that it may be because its still quite fresh in my mind, as its only a few weeks ago that I was told all this, and I've noticed that it is fading away gradually, but I just want to help it along the way and put it aside.

    When we are together, it very rarely enters my mind, and when it does, it only lasts for a few minutes, and then disappears, but when we're apart, I find myself thinking about it more.

    I want to forget it and move on into the future with her, and I know its something I have to work out for myself, but does anyone have any advice to help me along the way? Anyone been in a similar situation to me?

    Thanks everyone!
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
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    #2

    Sep 27, 2006, 11:24 AM
    Dude - grow up. You sound really insecure. Quit trying to control the crap you can't control.

    You sound a little too obsessed with this gal - unhealthy.

    The only the that matters is that she is with you NOW!!

    If you don't trust her - move on and find someone you can trust.
    momincali's Avatar
    momincali Posts: 641, Reputation: 242
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    #3

    Sep 27, 2006, 11:29 AM
    Are your feelings about her past clouding your judgment about her? Do you think that this will eventually make you treat her differently/badly? If that is the case, than you may not be mature enough to handle someone with a past. Think about it, women are not barbie dolls that you can get brand new in a package that have no history or previous owners. They had a life before you and will have a life after you're gone. Is that wrong?? Obviously you know its not, that's why you posted here, but if you're not willing to just choose to get past it, than leave her alone and go find your barbie doll. If you do want to stay with her because you love each other, than CHOOSE to get past it, everyday. Everyday, every time it enters your mind, remind yourself that it was her past, you are part of her life now. Remind yourself of what drew you to her in the first place. Is she kind, loving, smart, funny, warmhearted?? Put those characteristics first and foremost in your mind. It really all comes down to your attitude, you'll change it or you won't. It sounds to me like you want to, will you make the effort required to do it?
    Skell's Avatar
    Skell Posts: 1,863, Reputation: 514
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    #4

    Sep 27, 2006, 04:14 PM
    You are worrying about things that you have no right at all to worry about.
    This was all in the past. There is nothing wrong with dating people and there is nothing wrong with having had a few relationships by the time you are 26.

    And while she was single she had a couple of flings. Ok. Not ideal but there wouldn't be many 26 year old women out there who at some stage didn't.

    You are really insecure and if you can't put this behind you and realise that she is with you now and loves you then I suggest you not being in a relationsjhip at all.

    It will only end in tears for one or both of you.

    It isn't healthy!

    Mom has a lot of great points above.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #5

    Sep 27, 2006, 07:14 PM
    Darn spread message-Mom you hit it on the head again with some great advice. Life is just to short to live in the past. Haven't we all done things we would rather forget. LIVE NOW and enjoy it.
    Breagha's Avatar
    Breagha Posts: 6, Reputation: 4
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    #6

    Sep 28, 2006, 10:26 PM
    Hi.

    I know exactly how you feel. I had the same insecurities with my last relationship. I told my boyfriend such and well, it helped ruin things.

    It is really hard to not ask questions that you don't really want to know the answer to about your significant other's past relationships. Why ask though? And why think about what your love might have divulged? The person is with you for a reason. Everything before you was just that... and as such should remain in the past. You can't get mad at a person for being with someone (or many someone's in some cases) when to them you did not exist at the time. Its not just simple to accept that, I know (from personal experience), but if you love her and know she loves you, try to find your own way to put that to rest (lol don't know how exaclty).

    Don't let the past ruin what you have right now. I hope that all works out.
    Gillion's Avatar
    Gillion Posts: 52, Reputation: 17
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    #7

    Sep 30, 2006, 01:14 PM
    Often when the sexual past of our love interests bug us, it is because of our fragile ego and unchecked insecurity.
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #8

    Oct 1, 2006, 01:07 PM
    As you yourself said, everyone has a history. What about your history? Keep in mind that you're taking just as much baggage into this as she is. If you don't feel you can trust her then proceed with caution if you proceed at all. If you feel you can, then you've got absolutely nothing to worry about.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #9

    Oct 2, 2006, 07:05 AM
    The past is the past...
    Why worry about something you can't change!! :cool:

    Chill out, she is with you now, sor why worry about it.

    To be honest with you, when I first meet my man, I was abit jealous of his past sexual encounters...
    But I learnt... to say WHATEVER... why worry...
    He is truly into me and wants me ONLY now, so why the hell I was jealous or annoyed about his past is beyond me, but I learnt from my mistakes and I also learnt that the past in not worth worry about especially when its out of our hands and can't change it.

    Live for today and plan for tomorrow.
    QTGirl813's Avatar
    QTGirl813 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Dec 23, 2008, 08:01 PM
    I know this was posted years ago, but my boyfriend has a similar problem and I know it's very difficult to work out on his own. I try to help and we talk about it, and he wants to stop having these thoughts but is having trouble. I'd really like to talk more with the guy that originally posted this problem... if possible please contact me. I'd really appreciate it! Thanks!
    Hamselv007's Avatar
    Hamselv007 Posts: 40, Reputation: 9
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    #11

    Dec 23, 2008, 09:25 PM
    Hello

    I've had a similar problem with my current girlfriend.
    I think the trick is when these thoughts come's up, just quickly think about something else. Or they will just stay and annoy,hurt the crap out of you.

    And too the people posting before me well some of you.

    Shame on you.

    Obviously he can't help it. And he was trying to find a way to get rid of it.
    Scolding him and that likes isn't a answer he can use.
    Pioneer1's Avatar
    Pioneer1 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Jan 21, 2009, 06:27 AM
    Everyone seems a bit quick to judge and slam you for being insecure. I suppose it is possible that is the case but it may not be at all.

    I think any man who has ever been in a relationship can understand where you are coming from. It is normal, the key is just not letting it consume you.

    From my experience, I've been in relationships where she has been around the block several times and it didn't bother me at all. The reason is due to the fact I didn't view them as anything special and I knew they weren't a keeper. I've been in relationships where my mate had about as spotless record as humanly possible and what little tiny bit of extracuricular activity they had bothered me. And the reason was due to the fact I knew they were really special and hated the thought of somebody else getting to experience that.

    So sometimes it can be like an old worn out shirt and a brand new $800 suit. If somebody wants to borrow your old worn out shirt you don't mind because you don't value it but you would take issue with them wearing your brand new high end suit that you really value.

    Experience has also taught me that even if it does bother you it will fade with time so don't worry too much.

    All that said, if I were to guess what is really bothering you based on your comment, I don't think it is as much the previous sexual past. My guess based on the fact you explained her as somebody floundering around just trying to find somebody to care, probably makes you feel more like a person who just stepped up and filled a void rather than being the "chosen" one. That probably doesn't make you feel special and that is probably eating at you more than the sex history. Just a guess however.
    jimmer18807's Avatar
    jimmer18807 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    May 29, 2009, 06:51 PM

    Hi qt girl,
    Saw your last post and thought I could help as I'm a guy with this exact problem -seeing as I can't solve it myself, would like to at least help someone with it! Know it's a while since u posted but if you want to discuss it feel free!

    -james
    kakaking5678's Avatar
    kakaking5678 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #14

    Jul 11, 2009, 09:43 PM
    Same thing is happening here its been 5 months and I love her but she told me two weeks ago she was dating a guy that had a girlfriend and she knew about it but still wanted to be with him and stood with him for 3 months and it stills bugs me I can't let it go.
    How'd you end up?

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