:confused: Hello I am new to the boards so here goes: I have been told I smother. What is your description of smothering and how do I overcome that flaw in my personality. I am afraid of starting up friendships anymore. Where do you draw the line from caring to smothering. Do you feel that someone should have to tell you that they need their space or should we automatically know when they need it?

Welcome Desert, I am sure you will get the info you are looking for here.

In my dictionary another word for smothering is "hovering." By that I mean someone that calls me all the time and wants to just talk for hours at a time, someone that expects to come over and visit without a call a head of time, someone that just cannot be alone.

I used to be the smothering type. If no one was at home I felt uncomfortable and would have to call someone as if they were keeping me company.

I have learned that if they want to contact me, they will. I still call friends, but not every day. I have one friend who used to call several times a day. I just stopped answering the phone. If she would call and try to make plans to spend the day together I would tell her I was busy (usually I really was) and would make plans for another day. The two of us are still best friends, but we learned time apart can be healthier than too much time together.

Just remember that, time apart can be healthier than too much time together.

Did your friends actually ever tell you what they mean? As far as your personalitiy. Everybody has a unique personality and you do not need to change your personality. Just as the above answer said. Maybe not call as often or do not show up all the time without notifying your friends. Let them call you instead. Of course, we are unsure of what you do that makes them uncomfortable.

Joe

I'd ask the person who said this to expound on the word "smother". Maybe your not giving them enough space in the relationship. Everyone's needs are different.
Don't let this stop you from other friendships, though.

My friends are many (too many maybe LOL) and varied so I get passed around a bit LOL which is a good thing! That way I am missed a little too. The person who says to me, "You're my only friend" frets me a bit since it can turn into them asking too much from me. I usually suggest they make more friends and introduce them to some of mine. It may be that you have too few of friends and just need to not put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak, with the first few friends you acquire.

What do you do that makes someone feel smothered? You can be thoughtful and caring without being pushy. I don't know how someone can tell you if they don't know what it is that you do. Yes, I do think you should know when you are in someone else's space.

These are a few of the things that make me uncomfortable with someone. When they ask me to do something or go somplace and I say I can't, they act put out. When I visit and I want to leave, they try to keep me there or when they visit me they stay too long.

Do you try to do too much for people that you become overpowering? Sometimes one can have the best of intentions and just be too much. I have known a person for a long time and there is not a better person than him. He would do anything in this world for me or anybody. When he comes to visit I feel like I need to get an oxygen tank. He will call and say he is coming for a Sat visit and leave early Sun. I plan for some time with him then. Well, he shows up Fri night. :( When Sunday rolls around he is ready to stay for lunch and so on. I always book him a motel room because I need a rest from him after a few hrs. I cannot look at something too much or he will buy it for me. Now that may sound bad, but I may not really want it. Does this make any sense?

In a class I would teach we would line up and 1 person would stand alone. Each of the other class members would take turns walking up to this person and when he/she felt you were in her space she would put her hand in front of her. Everyone took turns. It really shows how some people invade others space right off. Then we have a discussion about it if they wanted to. I mentally allow others their space, privacy and time, and I listen. I can walk very close to a person and not invade their space.

When you mentally invade their space unknowingly, it can feel to them they are being smothered.

My view on smothering:

When you meet someone new, you drop all your own plans to adjust to theirs.

You cannot think of anything else, your routine life is changed to conform around their life and it's hard for you to concentrate.

You wake in the morning thinking of things to do that will make you more interesting to you new 'friend/s'

You loose the sense of 'self' and will go through changes in lifestyle just to be a part of something - compromising all the time - that's stressful.

Sometimes you find yourself saying and doing things that are not the 'real you' - cheating on yourself and your natural development.

You start being envious of other 'new' people in that circle for fear that you'll be replaced by them.

When in conversations, you have to outdo the others just to stay 'interesting' or you just might be excluded.

These are just a few things you could be going through, whether it's with new girlfriends or a new guy.
It might hurt when people tell you that you smother, but if it's comes from those who liked the 'original' you, feel free to ask them if they can help you - these are the ones that got close enough to you to care and probably noticed the changes you are going through. If they turn out to be real friends they will help you even if you don't initially like what they say. That's what friends are for.

If you'd like to give us some examples of these smothering indications, we might be able to help you break them down.

Stay with us, and keep us posted.

Space is something everybody needs to reflect and collect themselves at crucial times. It gives us the opportunity to think over a lot of things, or not think about anything at all.

Don't worry about taking it all back. Chery had great points. When you have a friend make it a point of going over those and make sure you do not do them. As Val said, make several friends. Everyone is different. I have hiking friends, skiing friends, sit around and chat friends, ones that I love to shop with. When you are not needy to be with people, they really want to be with you. Do not be offish.
You sound like a very good person, relax and back off some and your friends will not feel all consumed. You do not need to be a mind reader. You need to get to know you and why you do things to smother others. When you like your own company you will be so much more enjoyable to others. Find a hobby to take up some of your time.