Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    Juliet6's Avatar
    Juliet6 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Nov 18, 2008, 12:21 AM
    Giving each other space in a long-distance relationship!
    Hi all,
    I know there are a lot of similar threads already running on this topic, but I wanted to see what you all think. I know the title might seem like a bit of a paradox, but read on and I'll explain.

    My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half and we live about an hour and a half away from each other. It's tricky, but we've been making it work so far by seeing each other every weekend and usually one night during the week. We both have really busy lives, so we have to work hard to make time for one another, but we manage.

    Anyway, we have discussed on numerous occasions the possibility in the future of moving closer to one another, but both of us are pretty much locked into uni/work where we are for the next year at least. And at any rate, I don't think we're ready for shared domestic bliss just yet. We agreed that the relationship is worth it and we're going to stick it out despite the difficulties that come with a bit of distance. That means no more fighting about the distance, no more planning timelines to move closer to one another. It means just enjoying the here and now, and the time we do get to spend together.

    Unfortunately, I find it a lot harder than him to cope when we're apart. He works flat out during the week and I find it a upsetting when he has stuff on the weekends that means we can't see each other much or at all for that week. I get that he has friends and he wants to spend time with them, just like I want to spend time with mine, but that doesn't make it much easier. I get antsy when I don't hear from him, even if I wasn't expecting to. It's really starting to get me down.

    Recently we've been fighting a lot over small things (that somehow become big over the phone), and it all culminated with him telling me that all of this is getting too intense. I'm sick of being pissed with him and he's sick of getting in trouble.

    He's gone from being a great, important part of my life to being EVERYTHING to me. And I know that's not a healthy way to see him. No matter how many times he tells me he loves me I need reminding five minutes later. If he sounds a little brusque on the phone, I take that as him being annoyed. I am turning into your typical clingy, needy, insecure, whiney nightmare. He's afraid of how much I desperately need him (and to be perfectly honest, I would be too in his position).

    We both want our relationship to be fun like it used to be, and we've decided we're not willing to throw in the towel and break up just yet. We're having a little 'space' right now (whatever that means - I reckon 200 ks is a fair bit of space).

    HELP me to give him the space he needs before I drive him away for good. Help me stop checking my phone for texts every five minutes. Help me enjoy my life independently of him so I can be a cooler, more together, more fun person to be around when I DO see him!
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #2

    Nov 18, 2008, 12:46 AM

    Oh gosh girl, I know how you must be feeling. It's not easy. LD relationships rarely are. I can tell that you know that by pushing him, and getting on his back about things, isn't going to help... but I see your dilemna.

    I think no matter how hard it may be, that you are going to have to think back and remember how the relationship started, and how everything was exciting. If you start to smother him, he is going to back away, and I'm sure you know that.

    Tell yourself in your head... like a big old nagger, that you will NOT check your phone all of the time, and you will NOT send him endless texts. Go out and do the things you like to do, that you used to do before you both got involved.

    Stop thinking he is your Everything. He's not. YOU are your EVERYTHING! Without YOU, he can be anyone's everything, but never your everything.

    Keep yourself busy with things you like to do, and trust the trust you have in him. If he breaks that trust?. well then there's a problem. But if or until he does, don't crowd him hon. It will only drive him in the other direction! :)
    Juliet6's Avatar
    Juliet6 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Nov 18, 2008, 12:54 AM

    Thanks Starbuck8, that is sound advice. Maybe I can replace checking my phone with checking replies on here? Haha

    I think I know a lot the right things to do, but recognising them and actually doing them are two very different things hey?
    qureshi_king's Avatar
    qureshi_king Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #4

    Nov 18, 2008, 12:58 AM

    I think you are very lucky that you have a boy friend and...
    Juliet6's Avatar
    Juliet6 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #5

    Nov 18, 2008, 01:01 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by qureshi_king View Post
    i think u r very lucky that u have a boy friend and .............................
    Um OK.. care to elaborate?
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #6

    Nov 18, 2008, 01:16 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Juliet6 View Post
    Thanks Starbuck8, that is sound advice. Maybe I can replace checking my phone with checking replies on here? haha

    I think I know a lot the right things to do, but recognising them and actually doing them are two very different things hey?
    Yes, they are two different things. You're right! BUT, if you want to keep everything rolling smoothly along, sometimes you just really have to bit your upper lip, pinch yourself, whatever it is you need to do, to stop yourself. If he senses the clingyness (if that's even a word, lol) he will start to back away, and then you guys will have more problems than you have now.

    I'm not even going to comment on the previous post. ;)
    starbuck8's Avatar
    starbuck8 Posts: 3,128, Reputation: 734
    Gone, But Not Forgotten
     
    #7

    Nov 18, 2008, 01:45 AM

    I have to ask. Have you told him that you are just feeling a little insecure about the distance between you? You don't have to give him the impression that you don't trust him. Just that it's your own insecurities that are nagging at you.

    Tell him that if you could have open and honest communication, and maybe agree on a time for him to call and put your mind at ease, then you will let up on all of the worrying and texting.

    Ask if he can respect your feelings, and if he can be empathetic and relate to how it makes you feel, then maybe the two of you can find a middle ground. Then maybe you can feel at ease and not be constantly checking your phone.

    I'm just curious. Have you ever caught him lying, or being or not being somewhere he said he would be?
    Juliet6's Avatar
    Juliet6 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #8

    Nov 18, 2008, 03:21 AM

    Hey Starbuck8,

    He's never lied to me (I'm fairly certain), and I trust him implicitly. These are largely my own problems, and stem from my own anxiety rather than having any tangible reason. I have talked to him about it and he's very understanding, but there's only so much he can do.

    No matter how much he calls or messages it is never enough for me and I need to get some help with my anxiety problems.

    The insecurity is not in relation to cheating or anything like that, because, as I said, I trust him completely and have total confidence in his commitment to me. But the need for reassurance becomes stronger if things are strained between us, like if we've had an argument. I am the kind of person who likes it resolved straight away, whereas he likes to take some time to think, and is not as quick to articulate his feelings as I am.

    So if he's short with me or won't answer his phone it makes me really edgy because I want to talk it through and quite often he isn't ready to.

    And as I mentioned earlier, we're having some space from one another (i.e. minimal contact) so I'm trying to wait for him to be ready to contact me (hence the constant phone checking).

    I think if I can wait until he is ready to talk and start increasing the level of contact at his own pace, then that would demonstrate that I am capable of being patient and less 'needy'. And that's what he needs to see from me right now.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

Long distance relationship. [ 2 Answers ]

Sorry its so long... it's my 1st question ever. Hi!. so I'm in a long distance relationship, we've been dating for about 4 months and everything has been good we have seen each other at least once or twice (both equally visited each other) BUT recently he moved back home to his parents for...

Long Distance Relationship [ 5 Answers ]

K so basically my girlfriend is going away for a French program and it's a month, and she's leaving in less then a week, any suggestion what I should do? Like is it good to contact each other everyday or should this be a test of how long we can go without each other?

Long distance relationship [ 3 Answers ]

My b/f works out on the road for 4 weeks at a time and comes home for 1 week. My question is what ideas do you have to keep it spicy and hot while he's gone and when he comes home. We phone each other every night and text through the day but I don't want to be boring during these times. We are both...

Long Distance relationship? [ 11 Answers ]

:confused: Hi. Where do I begin :( I live on the west coast... the guy I have been seeing for about 6 months now lives on the east coast. (3000 miles away) he and I get along GREAT.. we have a great time together and really liked each other A lot. We talked every single day with text and phone...


View more questions Search