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    justme4me's Avatar
    justme4me Posts: 18, Reputation: 3
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    #1

    Nov 7, 2008, 03:55 PM
    He won't leave
    I have been in a bad relationship for too many years. It has been stagnant for the last few years. I have told my husband to leave three times over the last two years. The last confrontation I said it 6 times. He doesn't acknowledge it when I say it or act as if I have ever suggested it. I am not going to leave. I know he is in denial. I do not want to be forcible like using the law. I am trying to be as peaceable and adult about this as I can. I look at it as there is more to the big picture than this moment. There will be life after him with him involved and I don't want to jeapordize this by creating a larger "can of worms" than I have to. Has anyone else experienced this? What worked if anything? Am I just fooling myself by thinking this is a possibility? I know there are people who have had a peaceable divorce. We don't fight continuously, we are past that. We are just like housemates.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #2

    Nov 7, 2008, 05:45 PM

    Why don't you leave??
    TrueFaith's Avatar
    TrueFaith Posts: 1,202, Reputation: 313
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    #3

    Nov 7, 2008, 05:58 PM

    You leave him go to a friends place where he does not know. And say if you won't end it then I will.
    wikedjuggalo's Avatar
    wikedjuggalo Posts: 406, Reputation: 43
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    #4

    Nov 7, 2008, 06:43 PM

    Simple. You leave him to show your serious. Do what is best for you. Being somewhere (a relationship) where you are not happy is not healthy.
    wvchick66's Avatar
    wvchick66 Posts: 9, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Nov 17, 2008, 02:42 PM

    I know exactly where you are coming from. I too am in a relationship that I would rather not be in 80% of the time. I have been married 20 years and we have been in some pretty good fights ( not physical) where I have told him to get out. He will not leave at all. He has threatened to burn the house down with me in it. He said he will take the kids. They are older now and all but one is out of the house. But my point is I feel your pain all too well. It's easy for someone to say "leave and go to a friends house" or to divorce him. Ut if you are like me you don't like confrontation. I HATE IT! Right now I'm just ysticking it out until my 14 years old son graduates. I know this probably didn't help you but at least you know you are not alone.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #6

    Nov 17, 2008, 07:30 PM

    I don't disagree with wvchick, but I sort of take issue with the comment that it's easy for someone to say "leave and go to a friend's house." That is good advice. If the OP is going to complain about and problem, then she better be ready to take action on it, when good advice comes here way. Telling someone else to leave is weak. If I am paying for a mortgage or rent, and someone tells me to leave, that's not going to happen. That's not an excuse for verbal abuse, but at the same time, making demands on someone in there home is pushing things. If the OP wants a change in direction in her life, then she needs to take action on it. If he's not going to leave, then she should for her own mental and emotional health.
    neverme's Avatar
    neverme Posts: 1,430, Reputation: 270
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    #7

    Nov 17, 2008, 07:45 PM

    It is up to you, leave if you are serious about this. But it begs the question that you've been in this bad relationship so long, is there a case of what will the (Jones'/Family/Insert Applicable Here) think?
    KBC's Avatar
    KBC Posts: 2,550, Reputation: 487
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    #8

    Nov 17, 2008, 07:57 PM

    Have you ever thought about setting boundries for the future.

    This site has been a great help to many folks in here.

    Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

    It might be for you too.

    KBC
    justme4me's Avatar
    justme4me Posts: 18, Reputation: 3
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    #9

    Nov 17, 2008, 08:12 PM
    Thank you wvchick66, maybe we could hook up a chat line. Chuff- Why is it that I should walk away from a house that I also paid for? I am not the one who is at fault here. I tried to take the blame for our problems for years to make things better and he willing abliged me. Fyi it is my house. The title is in my name solely, for reasons I need not reveal, but it was his idea. His intention? A pay off so that he needn't feel the guilt he so richly deserves.
    neverme's Avatar
    neverme Posts: 1,430, Reputation: 270
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    #10

    Nov 17, 2008, 08:22 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by justme4me View Post
    Thank you wvchick66, maybe we could hook up a chat line. Chuff- Why is it that I should walk away from a house that I also paid for? I am not the one who is at fault here. I tried to take the blame for our problems for years to make things better and he willing abliged me. fyi it is my house. The title is in my name solely, for reasons I need not reveal, but it was his idea. His intention? A pay off so that he needn't feel the guilt he so richly deserves.

    If the deeds are in your name alone and you feel fine about taking this house from him.. then leave, get a lawyer and get him removed. Seems to me though that you're a woman scorned.


    Just an opinion.
    justme4me's Avatar
    justme4me Posts: 18, Reputation: 3
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    #11

    Nov 17, 2008, 08:55 PM

    And rightfully so. I am not asking for sympathy so your response is off target. I asked if anyone else has had the problem and what worked for them. When is the last time you moved? Want to do it again, twice plus endure the emotional turmoil of a divorce? If I was acting like a totally scorned woman would, I would pack his stuff and leave it outside the door and have papers delivered to him at work. I am trying to find a peaceful way to do this. Thank you though for a man's point of view. It gives me more insight.
    justme4me's Avatar
    justme4me Posts: 18, Reputation: 3
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    #12

    Nov 17, 2008, 09:00 PM
    Thank you KBC. Though I have not read you suggestions entirely, I am finding them quite enlightning. It is an honest perspective and offers me a pathway to introspection.
    neverme's Avatar
    neverme Posts: 1,430, Reputation: 270
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    #13

    Nov 17, 2008, 09:12 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by justme4me View Post
    And rightfully so. I am not asking for sympathy so your response is off target. I asked if anyone else has had the problem and what worked for them. When is the last time you moved? Want to do it again, twice plus endure the emotional turmoil of a divorce? If I was acting like a totally scorned woman would, I would pack his stuff and leave it outside the door and have papers delivered to him at work. I am trying to find a peaceful way to do this. Thank you though for a man's point of view. It gives me more insight.
    Is this directed at me?
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #14

    Nov 18, 2008, 04:04 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by justme4me View Post
    Thank you wvchick66, maybe we could hook up a chat line.
    I know this comes off like I'm attacking wvchick, but that is not my intent, but exactly why would you want hook up and chat with someone who has taken no action to resolve the same problem you are refusing to take action on? That's just two people stuck in the same problem going nowhere.

    Quote Originally Posted by justme4me View Post
    Chuff- Why is it that I should walk away from a house that I also paid for?
    Because he won't. Remember, that is what you asked this panel? You asked how to make him leave. He won't leave. So now that we know what he won't do, you can keep doing the same thing and getting the same results or you can leave.

    Quote Originally Posted by justme4me View Post
    I am not the one who is at fault here.
    Great. I appreciate you avoiding the issue and trying to turn this around and make it look like I blamed you for anything. To bad that's not what happened.

    Quote Originally Posted by justme4me View Post
    I tried to take the blame for our problems for years to make things better and he willing abliged me.
    Great. Again, I'm not sure what this has to do with moving forward to a better future. This sounds like a bunch of excuses as opposed to any action. He blamed you for all the problems, you accepted that's in the past, and the past can not be changed. However, the future can, but getting there means dropping the confrontational BS directed at the rest of us who are actually offering you something different. Something different means you have to do the opposite of what you have been doing for years that caused this mess in the first place, and step one is leaving.

    Quote Originally Posted by justme4me View Post
    fyi it is my house. The title is in my name solely, for reasons I need not reveal, but it was his idea.
    I have a feeling there's a lot more to this story then you are letting on. I'm not sure why you couldn't reveal it, this is an internet posting board, you and I could walk by each on the street and I don't know who you are so you are not going to lose anything by telling us, unless it puts you in a different position then that of the poor woman on bottom who can't get out of her situation.

    So since you own the house and won't kick him out, why not leave?

    Quote Originally Posted by justme4me View Post
    His intention? A pay off so that he needn't feel the guilt he so richly deserves.
    Wow. So you are living with someone that you feel "richly deserves" a guilt trip, yet you take no action toward correcting your own life and giving those that offer advice a guilt trip of your own?

    You want the same results, then keep thinking the same negative "oh woo as me" attitude and take no action. You want different results, start thinking something along the line of "I deserve better and here's what I'm going to do to get there." If it's your house kick him out. Call the police, explain your situation and have them come over while he gets his things, then change the locks the moment he leaves.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #15

    Nov 18, 2008, 04:08 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by justme4me View Post
    And rightfully so. I am not asking for sympathy so your response is off target. I asked if anyone else has had the problem and what worked for them. When is the last time you moved? Want to do it again, twice plus endure the emotional turmoil of a divorce? If I was acting like a totally scorned woman would, I would pack his stuff and leave it outside the door and have papers delivered to him at work. I am trying to find a peaceful way to do this. Thank you though for a man's point of view. It gives me more insight.
    I am totally confused after reading this? Do you want him to leave or do you want the marriage to get better? This is a completely different question the original post.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #16

    Nov 18, 2008, 05:42 AM

    Well someone has to leave, get a lawyer, and get things divided up, as chuff is correct, if your both to stubborn to take the first step in splitting up, what kind of advice do you want?
    justme4me's Avatar
    justme4me Posts: 18, Reputation: 3
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    #17

    Nov 18, 2008, 11:32 PM

    chuff- so much hate man. Are you the scorned one? It seems as if my problem has hit a nerve with you. You don't like me then find another post. Actually, you remind me a lot of my husband, yes butting all my answers and reasons, so you want assertivness? Get out! Now!
    justme4me's Avatar
    justme4me Posts: 18, Reputation: 3
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    #18

    Nov 19, 2008, 01:04 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by chuff View Post
    I know this comes off like I'm attacking wvchick, but that is not my intent, but exactly why would you want hook up and chat with someone who has taken no action to resolve the same problem you are refusing to take action on? That's just two people stuck in the same problem going nowhere.

    because she HEARD me unlike you. I am here to be heard. you and i can not communicate. there is the possibility that coming from the same situation, two heads can work better than one and we just might be able to figure out how to accomplish our goals peacefully and assertively, not aggessively like you suggest.


    Because he won't. Remember, that is what you asked this panel? You asked how to make him leave. He won't leave. So now that we know what he won't do, you can keep doing the same thing and getting the same results or you can leave.
    it seems to me that you find there is only one solution to this problem and you are The man with THE answer. I am so sorry to disappoint you by not bowing and kissing your ring. Your suggestions are NOT the answers I am looking for. to me they are simplistic, adolecent, and narrow minded and you have not been shy about telling me how you feel about me which tells me so much about your character. With that in mind, why would I want to take YOUR advice.


    Great. I appreciate you avoiding the issue and trying to turn this around and make it look like I blamed you for anything. To bad that's not what happened.
    oh read your post again, you will see that you suggested that i am taking the house HE pd for and added that it wouldn't happen if it was you in his place. in another place you suggested my frame of mind on how comfortable I feel about taking the house from him.
    he GAVE it to me. that dosent make him a saint. nice gesture, yes, but you dont want to accept the dynamics I tried to explain. Instead you jumped to your own conclusions which makes me wonder just what your history would tell. if you are going to hate on me then maybe you should man up and reveal why you think you have the experience to delegate to me how I should live my life. since your avitar has a mask on it i can't see if you have a big L on your forehead. You should not take my refusing to not take your "advice" so personal. Thou protest too loudly.


    Great. Again, I'm not sure what this has to do with moving forward to a better future. This sounds like a bunch of excuses as opposed to any action. He blamed you for all the problems, you accepted that's in the past, and the past can not be changed. However, the future can, but getting there means dropping the confrontational BS directed at the rest of us who are actually offering you something different. Something different means you have to do the opposite of what you have been doing for years that caused this mess in the first place, and step one is leaving.

    I caused the mess? I contributed b/c i enabled, but I did not cause it. ever heard of action and reaction. my reaction enabled his actions. i also feel the confrontational bs is coming from you. if you would read my post again, i am asking or a peaceable action b/c this man will always be involved in my life in some way b/c we had kids together. and who are you including in the US that i am directing the bs to?



    I have a feeling there's a lot more to this story then you are letting on. I'm not sure why you couldn't reveal it, this is an internet posting board, you and I could walk by each on the street and I don't know who you are so you are not going to lose anything by telling us, unless it puts you in a different position then that of the poor woman on bottom who can't get out of her situation.
    you know i really dont know what planet you are from. The reason I did not reveal is that it concerns extended family situations that are not involved in this situation. unlike you I don't practice crossover. it leads to contamination of subjects and your vivid imagination that feeds your "feelings" is derogatory. what is your need to attack me?

    So since you own the house and won't kick him out, why not leave?


    again mr dense, why should I move TWICE? I am sure that there is a suggestion somewhere out there that can help me coax him out. I am not being underhanded or uncommunicative with him. He lives in his own world and i am looking for a way to reach him. this IS a very difficult and sensitive situation. brass balls don't work here. I am the one living in this mess as you put it and try as you may you are not here day in and day out seeing the humanness of my life. this is not a script you can write for me. I personally find you way too bossy to give advice. our personal forms of communication have two different definitions.



    Wow. So you are living with someone that you feel "richly deserves" a guilt trip, yet you take no action toward correcting your own life and giving those that offer advice a guilt trip of your own?

    Where do you get off suggesting that I am taking no action? Just because I don't agree with your grunt methods does not mean I am not taking action. what you dont seem to understand is that your suggestions will lead to future problems. I feel it more responsible and insightful to take care of matters in a more gentle manner.

    You want the same results, then keep thinking the same negative "oh woo as me" attitude and take no action. You want different results, start thinking something along the line of "I deserve better and here's what I'm going to do to get there." If it's your house kick him out. Call the police, explain your situation and have them come over while he gets his things, then change the locks the moment he leaves.
    Aggression and assertion are not synonyms for each other. I realize all the options you have suggested and have chosen before posting not to take those avenues. They are the obvious and easy way out. If that is all I needed to know I wouldn't be here trying to find someone who understands how I would like to handle the situation and possibly have an experience or suggestion that they would like to share.

    I bet your favorite dance is the twist. Why you ask, because you dance with and twist the truth.
    Your reality and communication skills are as selfish and discriminatory as my husbands and I would prefer that you have no more contact with me.
    High Max's Avatar
    High Max Posts: 271, Reputation: 43
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    #19

    Nov 19, 2008, 05:58 AM

    Chuff is a very blunt guy and reads these situations to the best of his ability from what I've seen, he's just answering to what he feels would help you in your situation. His insights have helped me open my eyes in many situations to being more of a man when it comes to relationships and dating. Don't be so rough on him. He has no reason to attack or try and hurt you.
    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #20

    Nov 19, 2008, 07:29 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by justme4me View Post
    chuff- so much hate man. are you the scorned one? it seems as if my problem has hit a nerve with you. you don't like me then find another post. actually, you remind me alot of my husband, yes butting all my answers and reasons, so you want assertivness? get out!! now!!
    Ummm how can I hate you? I don't know you. Your problem has hit no nerve with me, because if I've been in a relationship that I wanted it to end I left it. Simple as that. If I was in a relationship I wanted to fix, I worked to fix it. Simple as that. You don't even know what you want. Interestingly enough I thank you for your comparison to your husband, because I am starting to see why his marriage is falling apart. You ask for something and you get a response. You don't like that answer so you change the question. You get an answer for that so you go into attack mode and blame everybody else. I think we are starting to see the real problem here, and it's not your husband. I bet if we asked him he's probably tried the best he could, but with someone so wishy washy he has run out of ways to try with you so he's just reserved to holding on hoping you might come around or at least be honest with him so he knows exactly how HE can make the marriage work. I give him a lot of credit, he's obviously dedicated and loyal despite having someone who doesn't bring her half to the relationship and constantly belittles him but won't explain why. I, like you, wish your husband would leave you, he deserves better then this situation and you.

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