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    openpetal's Avatar
    openpetal Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 6, 2008, 04:48 AM
    Divorce before or after I deliver the baby
    Hello,

    I am convinced that my hisband has some lose screws. He is becoming more dependent on me financially. Yes he lost his job in June and is making no effort to find work even if its off the books. I am 9 weeks pg. I aborted the other baby back in feb 2008 and I feel abortion is not an option right now.
    I really thought he would change and get his act together but I am realizing, if I stay he will never.
    My question is, would it be easier to divorce him before the baby or after I have the baby. Sigh... 'What have I gotten myself into' I feel by him feeling the need to impregnate me is his way of leeching on as a free financial ride. Ps I am scared of what's the best thing to do.divorce, Abortion or what.

    Thank u.
    Openpetal
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #2

    Oct 6, 2008, 05:19 AM

    It was a two way street, openpetal, you took the chance too and should have, I guess, under the circumstances knowing how you felt, made him use a condom. He may have had the thought in mind for a permanent meal ticket but not entirelly all his fault.

    It doesn't make any difference when you divorce him concerning the baby, the outcome is going to be the same, you will be a single mother.

    Can't say about the abortion, only that it is your body and your domain to make that decision yourself.
    ashley0716's Avatar
    ashley0716 Posts: 121, Reputation: 12
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    #3

    Oct 6, 2008, 07:33 AM

    Divorce before, and although single parenthood is a scary to imagine and can be tough at times, TONS of parents do it---and survive. There is nothing, nothing, nothing in the world like having and raising a child. It truly is a blessing from God. It will be the hardest job you'll ever love... LOL. Good luck to you and your baby!
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,317, Reputation: 5972
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    #4

    Oct 6, 2008, 07:38 AM

    He's your husband, you chose him, it took two to make this baby, so first of all you have to stop blaming him.

    Secondly, if you feel you no longer love this man and cannot stay married to him then it really makes no difference when you get divorced. Custody issues will be the same before or after the child's birth.

    Thirdly, he doesn't have a job, you are paying for the two of you to live, you're married, that's what married people do. It's not a "free" ride, it's a marriage.

    I wish you and your baby luck.
    JBeaucaire's Avatar
    JBeaucaire Posts: 5,426, Reputation: 997
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    #5

    Oct 6, 2008, 07:56 AM

    I'm against divorce except in cases of abuse. You can work this out. You CAN.

    But your question was "Divorce before or after the baby is born?" Simple enough, divorce before, if at all. Before the baby is born you have both hands free and some energy to spare. Afterward, neither will be true.
    =============

    The marriage vows include "for better or worse, for richer or poorer". Well, this is the poor/worse part. You two stood up and PROMISED each other you wouldn't throw in the towel when things got bad like this. You promised! That's the main reason you get married... not for love, but for security and stability and the promise you'll stand by each other even when things get really, really bad.

    Well, they've gotten worse and you're walking away from your word. I can't say your choice is uncommon, modern marriages end this way every day. I'm just reminding you they aren't supposed to... and you already promised you would stay and work it through.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #6

    Oct 6, 2008, 09:53 AM

    From a legal view point it really does not matter when you divorce if you want to divorce.

    He will still have rights either way and have to pay child support.

    Some states have rules ( or local court may have rules) not to divorce during the pregnancy but require you to wait till after, but that is something only your local attorneys will know
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #7

    Oct 6, 2008, 01:44 PM

    Just another thought to add to the mix... IF you decided that divorce was the route you were going to choose, which would cause you less stress... sooner or later?
    Do what you can to work things out, have a heart to heart talk with him... more than once, seek counseling on your own if he won't join you, whatever you feel you need to do to be able to say you gave it your all.
    div2wice's Avatar
    div2wice Posts: 103, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Oct 6, 2008, 07:56 PM
    Well I realize its an opinion, but I completely disagree with abortion... you both created this baby and now it needs to be raised. If not, then at least give it up for adoption but getting rid of it is not the right thing to do... I think you know that by the sound of your post.
    I would leave him now. That way you have time to get yourself on your feet before the baby comes. You will have time to figure out where to go, and how to be on your own without a baby. If you do it after the baby is born it will be TOO overwhelming and not healthy for you or baby.
    If you're not sure about divorce, then at least separate for now. Maybe you being away from him will help him realize what he wants. You cannot change him, you cannot make him get a job. However if his meal ticket (you) leaves, it will force him to get up and be a man.
    Best of luck, take care of yourself...
    mishelly3's Avatar
    mishelly3 Posts: 300, Reputation: 16
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    #9

    Oct 11, 2008, 08:24 PM

    I was 8 mo pregnet when my husband at the time was having affair. I divorced his shortly after having my son.. It was the best way it was so stressful and emotional dragged me down... Think hard about this, it's a life changing thing your doing.. So make sure this is the right thing for you and your baby...


    Good luck to all of you..
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
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    #10

    Oct 12, 2008, 08:57 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by openpetal View Post
    Hello,

    I am convinced that my hisband has some lose screws. He is becoming more dependent on me financially. Yes he lost his job in june and is making no effort to find work even if its off the books. I am 9 weeks pg. I aborted the other baby back in feb 2008 and I feel abortion is not an option right now.

    Does your husband knows that your pregnant? If he does and still isn't making an effort to find a job then that is wrong. You can't do it all by yourself and I understand why you feel the way you do. Yes, he losted his job but he should be out there everyday looking for job and now a days you can surf the net for one and since ther is a baby on the way is should be thinking "I have a baby on the way and it going need things, let me find a job to help support it."

    I really thought he would change and get his act together but I am realizing, if I stay he will never.

    Have you discuss this with him? Have you two sat down and and talked about your future together and about the baby?
    My question is, would it be easier to divorce him before the baby or after I have the baby.

    As mention earlier, it really doesn't matter when.

    Sigh...'What have I gotten myself into' I feel by him feeling the need to impregnate me is his way of leeching on as a free financial ride.

    This can happen with sex. Your both played a role in this. Was you using any birth control?
    Ps I am scared of what's the best thing to do.divorce, Abortion or what.

    Thank u.
    Openpetal
    Before he lost his job, how was things between you two? If the only issue you have with him is not helping you fiancially, would things work out if he was to find a job tomorrow? I think right now you lost confidence in him because he not doing anything to help especially knowing a baby is on the way? If he was to at least do something you wouldn't be even considering divorce. Have you try to help with his job search. If you know he worked in construction and you see they are hiring do you tell him or say "Honey , I saw they was hiring at ....", just an example, if you do want does he say.

    Abortion is something only you can decide to do. You can only make that choice. I hope you come back soon.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #11

    Oct 12, 2008, 09:18 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Altenweg View Post
    He's your husband, you chose him, it took two to make this baby, so first of all you have to stop blaming him.

    Secondly, if you feel you no longer love this man and cannot stay married to him then it really makes no difference when you get divorced. Custody issues will be the same before or after the childs birth.

    Thirdly, he doesn't have a job, you are paying for the two of you to live, you're married, that's what married people do. It's not a "free" ride, it's a marriage.

    I wish you and your baby luck.

    And I would add that abortion is not a method of birth control.

    I agree that you seem to be blaming him - he impregnated you? That sounds like you weren't there at the time! If you are this unhappy whether he works or doesn't work or any of the other side issues don't matter - there will be another problem.

    Only you know what is best but, no, when you file for divorce does not matter BUT certain States will not allow you to divorce while pregnant. However, the process takes a while so if you start now you may very well not be divorced when the child is born.

    Have you looked at you being ordered to support him if you have the superior income?

    I do matrimonial surveillances - if you unhappy and unsure enough to hire me, what does it matter what I find? You are emotionally out of there.
    openpetal's Avatar
    openpetal Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Oct 17, 2008, 04:10 AM
    The hardest decision
    Hi,
    If u read my other threads u would understand what I am going through and why I feel confused. My husband is in the hospital (the psychiatric part)! I am pregnant at 36yrs old and with 4th child! I don't want his baby but I have grown attached to the baby in my stomach. Is this just vulnerable talk or what? I am told my husband will come home, not the same after the meds. I was planning on moving in 2 weeks while he's in the hospital for me and the kids safety and starting a new. Should I abort or keep?
    openpetal's Avatar
    openpetal Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Oct 17, 2008, 04:46 AM
    The hardest decision
    Hi,
    If u read my other threads u would understand what I am going through and why I feel confused. My husband is in the hospital (the psychiatric part)! I am pregnant at 36yrs old and with 4th child! I don't want his baby but I have grown attached to the baby in my stomach. Is this just vulnerable talk or what? I am told my husband will come home, not the same after the meds. I was planning on moving in 2 weeks while he's in the hospital for me and the kids safety and starting a new. Should I abort or keep?
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #14

    Oct 17, 2008, 05:37 AM

    openpetal, the decision regarding your unborn child is solely up to you. No one could or should influence your decision. Let alone strangers.
    openpetal's Avatar
    openpetal Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Oct 17, 2008, 07:22 AM

    Thank you and you are right. The immature, take nothing-me would not have this "crazy man's child" but maybe I'm getting older where it's really about the life, this innocent baby inside me. Sigh. This is a hard one, but thank you anyway.
    openpetal's Avatar
    openpetal Posts: 16, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Oct 17, 2008, 07:45 AM
    A psychotic husband and I am 10 weeks pg!
    Hi,
    I probably wrote in the wrong topic instead of this one. I am so unsure about this pregnancy. My husband was admitted into a psychiatric hospital yesterday. He has anger and mental problems that have grown out of my hands. I don't feel comfortable with having his baby and worrying if the baby will come out like him with those behavioral issues. I should've disconnected before I got pregnant. I don't know what to do and I feel having 4 kids is a lot. I already have 3. I want to do the right thing but I cannot continue my marriage with my destructive husband. I am scared yet time is running out. If I abort the baby, I know he will probably try to kill himself. I was looking into moving out before he returns. Sigh.
    (REAL QUICK) I didn't tell anyone, but I spoke to his younger sister and she told me that their mother was a theif, drug addict while pregnant with him on Heroine. After she gave birth to him, she left him in the hospital. She said when he was 14 and she was 10, they used to do the nasty. (not dry humping either) She said she didn't know any better and he would turn her around and have real sex with her from behind. (I COULDN'T STOMACH THIS) I am not comfortable with being married to him yet I hardly know him! SHould I get rid of this baby under the circumstances? If you were pregnant for your husband or boyfriend and find out that mentsal illness runs in the family and realize you weren't the one going crazy, what would you do? He is unemployed as well so the weight would be all on me. I am scared to be with him and would prefer to get a divorce and just be friends. Would you abort the baby if you were in my situation or have it. This is so heavy, I can't even think clear. Thank you for your opinions.:confused:
    Openpetal
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #17

    Oct 17, 2008, 07:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by openpetal View Post
    Hi,
    I probably wrote in the wrong topic instead of this one. I am so unsure about this pregnancy. My husband was admitted into a psychiatric hospital yesterday. He has anger and mental problems that have grown out of my hands. I don't feel comfortable with having his baby and worrying if the baby will come out like him with those behavioral issues. I should've disconnected before I got pregnant. I don't know what to do and I feel having 4 kids is alot. I already have 3. I want to do the right thing but I cannot continue my marriage with my destructive husband. I am scared yet time is running out. If I abort the baby, I know he will probably try to kill himself. I was looking into moving out before he returns. Sigh.
    (REAL QUICK) I didn't tell anyone, but I spoke to his younger sister and she told me that their mother was a theif, drug addict while pregnant with him on Heroine. After she gave birth to him, she left him in the hospital. She said when he was 14 and she was 10, they used to do the nasty. (not dry humping either) She said she didn't know any better and he would turn her around and have real sex with her from behind. (I COULDN'T STOMACH THIS) I am not comfortable with being married to him yet I hardly know him! SHould I get rid of this baby under the circumstances? If you were pregnant for your husband or boyfriend and find out that mentsal illness runs in the family and realize you weren't the one going crazy, what would you do? He is unemployed as well so the weight would be all on me. I am scared to be with him and would prefer to get a divorce and just be friends. Would you abort the baby if you were in my situation or have it. This is so heavy, I can't even think clear. Thank you for your opinions.:confused:
    Openpetal

    I think this should be posted once with all the circumstances clearly set forth - should be combined.

    Quite frankly, after reading your past posts I am quite concerned for your children as it appears both you and your husband have emotional problems. I have no idea what your "history of calling 911" involves. You seem to be bouncing all over the board with your questions and problems and then your conflicting questions and problems. On August 18 - 8 weeks ago - you were asking the best time to conceive this planned child (despite your history of marital problems) because you were investigating gastric bypass surgery. Maybe you simply didn't realize you were pregnant at the time - ?

    I'm sure someone with a better understanding of this situation will come along and answer you but I do think your past posts have to be read and digested in order to give you meaningful advice.

    As Tickle said eloquently on the other thread - this is not a decision for strangers to make and his past history has little to do with your decision at this point unless you continue to be concerned for the safety of your children, a concern you have expressed in the past.

    As a side note - where are the fathers of your other children and how involved are they in your chlldren's lives - ?
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #18

    Oct 17, 2008, 08:15 AM

    Threads merged
    liz28's Avatar
    liz28 Posts: 4,662, Reputation: 1034
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    #19

    Oct 17, 2008, 09:44 AM

    I think you should see a counselor because your very confuse at this time and is going through a lot. Sometimes talking to someone can do wonders and give you a better unclearing and make you think more clearly. You have a lot of decisions to make and only you can make it. Maybe writing a pros and cons list can be helpful. If you are considering abortions research it but at this time I think if you were to go to an abortion clinic they wouldn't perform the procedure because your unsure at this time and usually the women that goes there want to have this done. Some clinics offer counseling before the procedur and some don't.

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